Disclaimer: Still don't own.

AN: I've returned, for good this time. If you're at all interested in my excuse for not updating in over a year, I will PM you, otherwise I don't want to bore you or keep you from the new chapter.

Reviews: are much appreciated.

AN2: Unless otherwise attributed, all italics will be Ellie.

Dedication: To those who still you remember me and my little baby (this fic).

"We need to talk."

The last time he'd heard those words, Ellie had said them, but for the life of him, Sean couldn't remember what had followed. Was it bad? Good? Why couldn't he remember? Was he actually… forgetting her?

A shiver of panic raced down his spine at the thought. "We'll Forever Remember", that's what her tombstone said. He couldn't forget her, he couldn't betray her like that; not when it was the last promise he'd ever made to her.

"Stop it," he commanded himself, clenching the steering wheel with whitening knuckles. "You loved her. She's gone. End of story. All this shit isn't doing anything but fucking you up even more."

As if they were on repeat, those words echoed in Sean's head as he made his way up the stairs, through the door of his apartment, and sat frozen on his couch. Looking around, it was as if her were seeing the way he'd surrounded himself over the years with pictures of Emma, her smell, her smile. His heart swelled, he truly loved her.

It wasn't just the "she's my wife" kind of love, it was real love. She'd helped him, been there for him when he needed her, and God damn her, she was so patient with him. He loved her, he loved her, he loved her.

And it was all slipping away from him, again. And, just like last time he'd lost the person he loved, he felt helpless to do anything about it because despite his love for Emma, he knew he still wasn't over Ellie, that he still loved that girl as deeply as he loved Emma. And because of this, he was going to lose everything.

He could see her, packing her bags and leaving him behind. She would probably cry, but Emma had always been strong, so her tears wouldn't stop her. They would fight before she left, probably about everything and nothing. Then, it would come down to that one question: "do you love me?"

He had no idea how to answer that without making Emma second place or Ellie mean less than she did. All he knew is that it was way past time to be honest, and maybe, just maybe if he was, some of the damage he'd done to himself and to his wife could be repaired; or maybe not. It was a new feeling, this feeling of purpose, clashing with the pain and confusion he'd felt for the majority of the last four years. But mostly, he was scared; who knew making decisions could be this frightening?

"Fear means you're conscious enough to change," she said, her red hair falling softly over his shoulder. "Fear means you know you need to. Good luck, my love."

Sean nodded.

He felt calm.

The door creaked open.

Emma walked through.

And he didn't panic.

"Sean?" Emma said with an uncertain quiver when she spied him sitting on the couch. "You're already here. I- I wasn't really expecting you to be here so early."

"You said we needed to talk," Sean said calmly. "I agree."

"It's about Ellie, and us."

"I know."

It took Emma a few moments to collect herself. She'd expected Sean to shut down, to leave, to do just about anything but stay on the couch staring at her with his green eyes, the saddest, most beautiful green eyes she'd ever seen.

"I just – I was going to have this whole speech prepared before you got here," Emma stuttered, rubbing the back of her neck. "I don't want – I don't want us to fight, in case that's what you're waiting for."

"I don't want to fight either."

"It's just, this is a little overdue."

"Yeah," Sean sighed, and then took a deep breath before continuing. "So, I can go first if you want me too. Or, you can. However you want to do this."

"I just feel – I feel like a bitch," Emma said, placing her hand on Sean's knee as she sat next to him on the couch. "I act like someone I don't like when I'm around you. I always had such a soft spot for you and I can't control how I feel about you. It hurts me when you hurt. But it hurts me worse when you feel like you have to hide it from me."

"I thought I would be protecting you if I didn't tell you," Sean interjected. "I didn't want to hurt you. But I guess – I guess I did in another way."

"Yeah," Emma admitted. "It hurt to think that you didn't love me anymore. It hurt to think that a woman who's de – not even around anymore could have a stronger hold on you than I did. I worry everyday that I'm only second place to you now. I don't know what to do with it all, and then it all comes out wrong when I try to talk to you about it. I know I love you Sean, with all my heart. But I don't know how to love you anymore."

"I do love you Emma," Sean said, squeezing her hand.

"I have just one question. It's sort of a make or break deal," Emma said pulling away gently and staring into his eyes.

It was coming, he could feel it.

"Do you love her Sean? More than me?"

Another deep breath filled his lungs. It was time. His life was going to change again; he knew it as deeply as he knew the answer to Emma's question. It was the same question he'd been asking himself for years, only now did he truly understand his answer.

"No, not more than you," Sean said softly.

"Then we have something we can work from," Emma smiled, running her fingers through his hair. As it came down the side of his face, he caught her hand and brought it to his lips.

Then he let it all drop: her hand, his stomach, his heart, his brick walls.

"But I don't love her less than you either."

"No," Emma spoke with disbelief, getting up from the couch and began pacing along the opposite wall. "No, no, no, no Sean, please don't do this. This is not complicated. Please don't make this complicated."

"But it is complicated, Emma," Sean said, his voice cracking as tears tugged on the corners of his eyes. "At least it is for me."

"But it's not!" Emma screamed desperately, tears freely flowing down her face. "God, you act like I didn't have other boyfriends after you. But none of them worked out, Sean. You know why? Because it's always been you for me. You're the only one I ever really wanted."

"You just said it," Sean laughed bitterly, shaking his head. "I have. I've wanted someone else. I have had someone else other than you that I wanted more than anything. And she- she died. And it's still so hard trying to separate those feelings I had for her-

"Still have."

Sean nodded; he knew it was the truth. "The feeling I still have for her and the feelings I have for you now. I was so in love with you when I first met you. I couldn't imagine anything better. And all that shit got between us and I fell for someone else. I fell for Ellie so hard and so fast and it hurt so bad when I lost her. But then, you came in you believed in me, and you helped me. And that made me made me fall for you all over again. And I felt good. I felt in love again. But… I still see her… in my head, in my dreams. And… I don't know how to say 'no' to her. This whole fucking thing makes no sense. The only thing I know is I love you. And I love her. I don't know how to let either of you go."

"So… what does this mean Sean?" Emma asked, sitting back down beside him, burying her head in his shoulder. "What are we supposed to do?"

"I think – I think it would be best if I could talk to someone," Sean whispered, pressing a kiss to Emma's silky blonde hair. "Like a professional, someone who really knows how to deal with my head."

"That's brave of you," Emma sniffled. "You hate needing help."

"And also, I think -," Sean suddenly choked, his throat thickening with the very thought of hurting Emma even more.

"Think what?"

"I think we should – take… take a break," Sean gasped. "From each other."

"No."

"Emma, please. We've hurt each other so much, I don't know if we can fix it," Sean begged. "I can't fix our marriage until I fix myself. I'm not asking you to wait for me, but I need – I need to be by myself while I do this. I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry."

"I don't want to lose you," Emma cried, throwing her arms around his neck and kissed him. It was different than any of the other kisses they'd shared. It was desperate, harsh, needy. It was an ending.

When Emma pulled back, her tears were dry, but the pain was still there in her eyes as she said, "I've already have, haven't I? I've already lost you."

"I don't know Emma. I really just don't know."

He threw himself into Emma's arms, stroking her hair, letting his own tears fall as they said goodbye, in their own silent way and in their hearts. He didn't know if he'd ever hold her like this again.

But he'd be damned to hell if he hurt her anymore.

--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

They decided he would stay in the apartment; after all, it was legally his. She didn't leave him a phone number. He didn't ask for one. She told him to call Manny when he was ready to figure out the next step; Manny would know how to get in touch with her.

Two weeks later, he sat next to a slight, thin girl with the blackest hair he'd ever seen in the pale blue and green office, staring at the glinting plaque on the door that read:

Dr. Galeotti, Ph.D.
Psychiatrist

The door swung open, replacing his vision with that of a middle-aged blonde gentleman, who made eye contact with him and gestured into his office, inviting him in, as if he were an old friend.

One who he'd never met.

"I'm Dr. Galeotti," the man introduced himself as Sean stood in the center of the room. Funny how much it looked like the movies. He definitely wasn't sitting on the couch, he instantly decided.

"Miss Golden, I'll be with you after my appointment, all right­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­?" the doctor said as he closed the door.

"She doesn't have an appointment?" Sean wondered aloud, confused.

"Not until next week, but I invite my patients to visit should they ever need to," Dr. Galeotti explained. "Most don't, but some do."

"Do you charge them?"

"That's a double-edged question isn't it?" the doctor chuckled. "We're not talking about other people right now. You scheduled this appointment without another doctor's referral. I assume this is your idea to come talk to a complete stranger."

"I'm a little fucked up," Sean shrugged. "Sorry."

"Feel free to say anything you like, anyway you want."

"I just need to figure some things out," Sean sighed, finally sitting down in the chair across from the doctor's desk. "I haven't done so well on my own for the last… well, nearly four years."

"Where do you want you start?"

"Don't you want me to start at the beginning?" Sean asked.

"You can start where ever you want to, in whatever order makes the most sense to you," Dr. Galeotti said patiently. Sean noticed he hadn't taken out a notepad or anything yet.

"I still don't know where you want me to start."

"Try this," the doctor instructed. "Clear your mind."

Sean closed his eyes, trying to force everything out of his head. Emma, Jay, Alex, his mom, dad, Tracker, Ellie…

"Clear?"

Sean nodded.

"What's the first thing that comes back to you?"

"Ellie."

Sean opened his eyes, focusing on the doctor's encouraging smile.

"That's the perfect place to start."

AN3: (because I know you will ask) The Ellie moment: memory or Sean's conscious? You pick, because it works either way.

AN4: No, this is not the end. I have two more chapters planned, the next of which will be up next week.

I write, you read, you review, I write more… and I mean it this time.