It seems I have perked the interest of several of you with my mention of the goat story being a true one. Let it be known that NONE of us live normal lives. Our most embarrassing moments eventually become our most treasured.
...Still, I doubt any of you can top this…
...I present to you…
...For the first time ever on this website dedicated to fiction…
!—A TRUE STORY—!
(aka The Goat Story)
about I Write Big
Like most boys, I had a severe crush on the cutest girl. We will call her Cutest Girl. For Cutest Girl's own safety, and my own, I will not be disclosing how she looked. But if you ask nicely, I can give you one of her parent's expired credit card numbers.
Her locker stood next to mine. Which, in hindsight, made it a rather creepy close distance that I watched her from, unsure if I had the money to buy her flowers or the talent to write her poetry. I had never dated before, and being the oldest child, had zero siblings to ask for advice. No, my only instructors in the ways of love were my parents and cartoons. And I sure as hell was not going to ask my parents.
Weeks of psyching myself up and rehearsing with my dog came to a head when Cutest Girl suddenly did something she had never done before.
She talked to me.
"Hey, Li'l I Write Big, you remember if we had to read chapter 4 for History or chapter 5?"
My brain processed the situation much like how someone over 40 effectively uses social media. In other words, it didn't. I stared blankly at my crush, my mind blanking all possible thoughts while my vision started to blank out.
I was blanked.
And for some reason Cutest Girl took this blankness as a need for clarification. "You know, for the class we take together… the one about history… of the world."
Now, to understand what came out of my mouth, you must know something about me. In my younger years, I lived near a sweet old lady who worked on a nearby milk farm. She was a kind woman who loved the company of others, often inviting neighbors and even complete strangers to her workplace.
One of the highlights of visiting the farm was all the animals. There were dozens maybe even a hundred cows who were juiced daily for the local store. While the cows mostly kept to themselves, the friendly goats made up for them. The goats were almost dog-like in their need for attention and affection. Their constant baa'ing and scrunched face always made me smile and I usually thought of them when I needed to cheer up.
On instinct, my mouth sounded out the words I had for so long practiced, but my subconscious in an attempt to kickstart my vocal functions flashed an image of one of those happy animals. So I said… "Would you goat with me?"
The line was 'would you go out with me?'
This is the point where the director should have shouted 'cut' and had me take it from the top. Alas, my life is only a movie to God and I'm pretty damn sure this is His favorite scene. Because it ain't mine!
"'Goat?'" Cutest Girl asked, "Wait… were you trying to ask if I'd go out with—"
"NO!" I shouted. My noggin performed Olympic level gymnastics. Mental gymnastics. Gymentalstics. "I WAS ASKING IF YOU WANTED TO CHECK OUT THIS PLACE THAT HAS A BUNCHA THESE AWESOME GOATS!" I corrected a couple decibels higher than I should've. If this were the real Olympic Mental Gymnastics, I think I would've gotten a solid silver.
Slowly, ever so slowly, a smirk crept onto her face. It was the knowing smirk. The smirk that people get when they understand exactly what you meant. The one that, when girls use it, only means one of two things.
One: They're amused by you.
...Or...
Two: They're gonna use you.
I prayed it was the former. And a part of me I hadn't discovered yet quivered in desire for the latter.
"Okay," she wrote something down and handed it to me, "I'm open this Friday. That work for you?"
The scrap of paper she gave me had a series of numbers. Seemingly random… with an oddly placed dash after the first three— HOLY SHIT, IT'S HER PHONE NUMBER!
"Yes." My thought processors were on emergency cooldown at this point. Only basic communication was sanctioned for release.
"Call me," Cutest Girl waved in that cute way that solidified her as the best Cutest Girl in the world and left.
"Chapter 5," I said like it meant goodbye.
END
EPILOGUE
Turns out she was a jackass.
And that's the Goat Story!