Chapter 10
Goodness, it hurt. Fire and glass were being forced through my veins and I couldn't do anything about it.
Drink, I told myself, and suddenly I was aware of the sweet scent that filled my senses.
My instincts took over as Hitsugaya pulled me to his own throat. Gracefully as any predator, I wrapped a hand over the back of his neck and sealed my lips over the pulse point. I felt the weight of my own fangs in my mouth, the moment of resistance as they pierced the skin, and then only the rich, warm blood that flowed over my tongue.
Then there was only the sweet, rich taste, and a million images that accompanied it. I was not prepared for the flood of memories, emotion, or pain but I understood that Hitsugaya could not have blocked me from his mind even if he tried. Not while I was this close, not while his blood flowed past my lips.
The memories were a mixture of pleasant and pain as I flickered among them I lost track of myself.
"Hitsugaya-taichou!" others were screaming as they were approaching him. He was screaming and thrashing in pain as the 'venom' was taking over his system. Then he blacked out…
Power like lightning struck her, knocking her away from her predator. Pain worse than searing the torture of the bloodlust of a vampire, as her predator sunk a knife into her leg, paralyzing the nerves. She could no longer move, and then he bit her. Marking her as his first prey… "I am sorry Matsumoto…I just couldn't make her experience the life of the damned…"
He remembered the day the Fujitakes had gotten married shortly after the war between shinigami and arrancar. All infected shinigami were there attending the wedding, with Hinamori as the bride's maid wearing an awfully familiar dress that she recognized from the masquerade ball a few weeks back. Everyone danced the night away around the newly wedded couple. Then everyone gathered for a group photo…
"Hinamori…" Hitsugaya looked over her bloody body after she had been stabbed by Aizen. Somehow everything was a major blur as if a tape had been fast forward, and then Hitsugaya fell to the ground.
Finally he understood the strength he had seen in her. And only then, when she told him to leave her alone, did he realize he loved her. Still fighting the desires after the death of Aizen, he had fallen back into the neutral mask he wore when he was not in friendly territory. He wanted to take her right then and there but instead he had been cold, because otherwise he would not have been able to keep himself from changing her.
Junrinan, District 1 of Rukongai.
"Good morning, Shiro-chan!" as she leaned over him.
"Hurry up and eat breakfast! It's my first day, and I am going to be late!"
"Quit calling me Shiro-chan. And don't pat my head!"
"When you can enrol in the same place as me, then I'll call you by your name."
"Screw that. As if I'd wannna go to Death god school."
"Even after I enter the dorms, whenever I get a break, I'll come play with you again, alright?!"
"Don't come back, Bedwetter- Momo!"
A flood of other mixed memories flashed before her eyes.
When the spell finally broke and I pushed him away, the hunger and the pain were gone. Though I tried to ignore the sensation, it was like turning me back to a conversation. The direct thoughts and memories disappeared, but there remained a lingering sense of Hitsugaya's mind.
"Shiro-chan?" When I spoke his name, it seemed to linger in the air and slowly evaporate in the silence. He shook his head as if to clear his mind. "I am fine," he answered finally forcibly turning his mind from the memories. His gaze met mine and he said simply "What you do now is your choice."
I knew he was not going to mention it aloud, but I could easily feel his fear. He was worried that I was going to kill myself. But if I didn't what could I do?
My life and everything I had known were gone. My life as a true shinigami had died the moment I became a vampire, but I didn't want to die. I made such good "human" friends and was I really ready to throw that all away? The only people that I felt connected to in my life after I was betrayed by Aizen. I was lied to by my childhood friend; the one person I truly deeply love. My real friends and family were the ones who taught me that vampire blood did not turn a mortal into a monster.
Hitsugaya took a deep breath to take me out of my trance. After a hesitation that told me he was bracing himself for my answer, he said, "Hinamori, I don't know what your decision is, but I love you. If you want to, you're welcome to stay with the rest of us."
I saw Kurosaki-kun's surprise when he heard the word 'us,' but the vampire didn't argue. The idea made me pause, however. If the 'us' had meant Hitsugaya-kun, and my family, I would have immediately said yes. But I knew there was still someone I could no longer trust. Shiki Ryuu.
Before I could voice my refusal, Kurosaki-kun spoke.
"Momo…" He paused and looked to Hitsugaya for a moment before he continued, as if for approval. "I'm not expecting for your instant forgiveness. I am not even asking for it." He started to take a step towards me but stopped. "But if nothing else, trust me when I say I won't let you or anyone be hurt if I can stop it." Again he glanced at Hitsugaya, but this time only for a moment, as if he already knew how Hitsugaya would react. "We don't own you. Whatever you choose today…I'm no threat to you. But don't blame the past on Hitsugaya for what I've done, and don't leave just because I am here."
I opened my mouth to disagree but closed it as Kurosaki-kun's words sank in. He thinks I am running away from the past because of what happened with Aizen. Or in other words he's blaming himself for killing someone I wanted in my life long ago.
My instinct was to argue with anything he said, but right now he made sense. I couldn't stay, but it wasn't because of Kurosaki-kun. I realized that my hatred for him faded long ago. Yes, he had hurt me mentally, but that was because I was in desperate measures at that time. Honestly the most brutal thing Kurosaki-kun had done to me had been to open my eyes and force me to see reality- the shades of gray that existed in the world, beyond the world of stark black and white, of evil and good. That my sister had taught me long ago.
I took a deep breath, but my mind was made up. "I can't stay," I finally said, and I saw- and felt- Hitsugaya flinch. "You know I can't survive-and hunt- the same way you do. Even if I could, I don't like to be dependent. Give me some time to find my own way to live." I lifted my gaze and met Hitsugaya's. His fear, which was still ringing clear in my mind, prompted me to add, "I don't hate you Kurosaki-kun, or Hitsugaya-taichou. I am only angry at myself for not understanding…the past."
I extended a hand towards Hitsugaya, who took it with no hesitation, stepping forward; I hugged him. "I'll miss you, Shiro-chan, but I can't stay here. For now at least."
"We have forever. I'll see you again soon," he answered with certainty. "But before you go-"
He titled my face up and kissed me. Hitsugaya was the one who broke the kiss though he kept his arms around me and did not pull back. "I am sorry."
"This is a moment you never need to apologize for."
He smiled, something that anyone was rarely exposed to, the true Hitsugaya, whom I had come to love and trust.
"There are a million other moments, both past and future that I should apologize to you for." He said lightly. "I might as well start earning credit."
I smiled. "I love you Hitsugaya-kun." He kissed me again with all his heart. If I could, I would have felt the tears come from my eyes because everything at this very moment vanished and it was just me and him.
The others had already left the room to give us some time for good-byes. A million moments, both past and future. Thousands of years of hatred, between good and evil could hardly be undone. Even in the eternity that I potential had ahead of me, I didn't think I was up to a job to be the only one as a non-life taking individual. But my sister would teach me how to survive without killing. There were pockets full of peace in the world, and I would find them before I'd return. As Hitsugaya pointed out, I had forever to return to him.
Authors Note: The memories are told in 3rd person and some of them are from previous chapters, untold ones, or ones from the anime/manga.
This is it for 'Secret Affections'. I want to give a big thanks to shirochanxmomo1220 and CallMeNicole for reviewing 'all' my chapters for this story. And thank you cherryblossom hime for your most recent review which motivated me to finish this story! As well as shirochanxmomo1220. Anyways thanks to those who've been reading, reviewing, favoriting, and alerting my stories! Love you guys! I MIGHT BE WRITING A SEQUEL WHICH MIGHT BE UP IN SUMMER 2008! BUT THAT ALL DEPENDS, AND I HOPE YOU ALL KEEP UP WITH MY 'FUTURE' UPDATES!