A/N:

Warning: LONG and a LOT of dialogue. I'm not sure I'm so good at dialogue. I excel in ridiculous amounts of descriptions (hence the information dumps) and I can do dialogue in short bursts but actual conversation is difficult. Much like it is for me in real life! HAH!

LilweenGalatrass your name sounds elven and you are just as magical! Thank you for your support AND you prompted me to move something from a later chapter to this one. That's why it's so dang long. I'll have to write something completely new for that chapter, but I sort of love doing that. It makes my writing so much better. And selfishly, I'm so glad you read my story instead of sleeping. I love it and I love you!

Curlystruggle and Sky65, oh heck, thank you guys. I'm blushing over here :D

DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.

Chapter 10

I've Got to Get Out of Here

I was going on a run for the first time in years. It would be pathetic and I wouldn't make it very far, but something in me needed to get up and outside. Hinata laced up his shoes next to me. Encroaching on his morning run made me feel slightly guilty. I would slow him down and he wouldn't be able to run as long as he wanted to but he insisted on staying next to me. Besides that, it was his last day here. In the evening he would be taking the train back to university and we wouldn't see each other for a long time.

"Ready to go?" I nodded and we headed out the door. "Which way do you like to go?"
Laughing a little I answered honestly.

"I haven't run around here at all. Let's just take the route you've been doing this week."

We turned and headed out at a steady pace. The weather was comfortably warm with a small breeze. It blew through the trees and sent a few cherry blossom petals through the air. I realized I hadn't appreciated them nearly enough and the season was about to end. Next year I would read books underneath their shade.

I impressed myself. I made it two miles before I had to stop and rest. Luckily, Hinata had run the route before and directed us to a neighborhood. We found a bench on a quiet street shaded by trees and took our break. Houses surrounded us and occasionally we would see residents enjoying the weather. It was similar to my own neighborhood with varying age groups. The more I looked the more familiar it seemed. 'Oh no.'

"Hey, I'm ready to go."

I wasn't but the reason for my familiarity dawned on me. We were in Hajikun's neighborhood. We usually entered from a different direction when we came from our support group and I hadn't recognized the area until that moment. And if we were in Hajikun's neighborhood we were in Oikawa's as well.

"You don't sound like you're ready."

I stood, getting impatient. Every second there increased our odds of running into him and with the luck I'd been having, which is to say none, I would most definitely run into him.

"I'm good, let's go." I pleaded. He wasn't buying it and remained seated.

"Listen, I'm not gonna have you overwork yourself and pass out on the way back on my last day here. Any other day little sis." He leaned back on his hands and closed his eyes.

My own darted around looking for signs of anyone I knew.

"Naka-chan?" I spun around. 'Dammit! Why don't people have eyes in the back of their heads?'

Oikawa and Hajikun stopped a few feet away panting heavily. Sweat glistened on their skin and Oikawa's usually perfect hair was messy and windblown and stuck to his skin in a couple places. As he stood there I noticed his weight shift completely onto his left leg.

"What are you guys doing here?" Hajikun asked. He wiped some sweat from his brow with the sleeve of his shirt.

"It's Hinata's last day so I joined him for a run. He normally goes farther but I had to take a break." I felt self-conscious about my own sweat. It was cooling in the light breeze and felt sticky. My skin was undoubtedly flushed and puffy from the run and I couldn't even think about my hair. Not everyone could look good while running like the boys in front of me did.

"Oh, we were about to finish ours. We take a loop and end at a bakery up the street."

"A bakery?" Hinata spoke up from behind me.

"Yeah. We get breakfast and coffee and walk back."

"That sounds amazing right now. Mari woke me up earlier than usual. I fully woke up halfway here." The tone of his voice had my lips tugging up at the corners. He was sure whiny in the mornings.

"You want to join us?" The invitation was thrown out before I could interrupt him and just as quickly my brother responded.

"Absolutely." He stood and stretched a bit to warm up his muscles again.

I wanted to throw a tantrum and latch on to the bench but I was distracted by the sudden realization that Oikawa has not spoken once since he uttered my name. I had already broken my rule of not looking at him so I did it once more. His lips were thin like he was pressing them together but he didn't seem to be irritated. I noticed his right calf shudder though there was no weight on that leg. His breathing was also uneven. I had a suspicion about what was going on.

The guys were ready to start running again.

"Hold on, I've got a leg cramp." I made a show of breathing heavy and reaching toward the affected area. "You guys go ahead and get your coffee, Oikawa will help me stretch it out."

I saw the surprise register on each of their faces but I wasn't having a discussion. I grabbed Oikawa's arm and led him to the grass just under the tree, trying to pretend to be in pain along the way. I turned and Hajikun and Hinata still stared back at me.

"Well? Go on. Who knows how long this will last and you guys are terrible in the morning. Please go get coffee. We will meet you there."

I tried to sound as pathetic as I could to get sympathy but also commanding enough for them to obey. They looked at each other and mumbled goodbye to us, heading off in the direction of the bakery. When they were out of sight I turned to Oikawa.

"Sit down."

"What?"

"I said sit down." I was attempting to sound soothing but was failing miserably. Whatever caring or oddly worried part of me was in control was not used to it. With no idea of how to deal with my feelings and no inclination to tell him I was worried, I pulled him as I sat myself and he came down with me.

"I thought you had a cramp?" His confusion was so earnest. His brown eyes were wide and made my chest pull in strange ways.

"I made that up." I said simply.

His eyes, if possible, got wider.

"Why?"

"Because you are in pain." My eyes fell down to his knee and then back up to his face. He looked like I had discovered his deepest secret.

"How did you know?" His voice matched his face and I wondered why he felt so bad.

"I spend an inappropriate amount of time watching you."

The words came out before I could stop them but I didn't seem to care. The smile that came across his face was a great distraction.

"Exceptionally perceptive." He said.

"You should take off the brace and put your leg on the bench. It's probably swollen." He didn't make a move. "I'm serious, you need to give it a rest right now!

The smile turned mischievous.

"Are you going to do it if I don't?"

My breath caught in my throat. 'So this is Oikawa when he flirts.' His tone was taunting and his voice was deeper than usual and for a moment I let myself melt into the sound. The smile reached his eyes and I could see amusement in them. He issued a challenge he thought he would win.

"I'll give you five seconds." I said.

My pulse was rising. When he challenged me I wanted to shatter his expectations. The look in his eyes told me that he was going to try to call my bluff. He was smug.

On the last second I crawled over to his extended right leg and reached up to grab the top of the brace. It was hot and sweaty but it didn't bother me. The spark that went through me was intense and my face felt warm but I began to pull the brace down his leg. It was slow going due to my attempts at hiding my shaking hands.

The final inches came and I looked up at Oikawa. His mouth was hanging open and he looked like his arms were having trouble supporting him. With one hand I lifted his heel and slipped the knee support off with the other. Then I placed his foot on the bench beside me and threw the brace at him. It slid comically from his face to the ground and I laughed out loud.

I crawled back to my spot next to him.

"You're making it difficult for me to live with myself." He was mumbling but I could recognize the words as the same ones I had spoken a week ago.

Anxiety flowed cold through me and a hand twisted my organs. What could he have possibly meant by that? Had it been obvious that I liked him? Did he feel bad about not liking me back? Was he about to reject me before even hearing a confession?

"What do you mean?"

The sick curiosity came from the part of my brain that loved obsessing over my faults. I both did and did not want to hear something bad. Some of me wanted to stay in the dark of depression forever and the rest of me wanted to live life as normally as I could. The two were always at odds and now I could feel them fighting for control.

"Can I eat lunch with you tomorrow?" I wondered if I looked as taken aback as I felt.

"Why?"

"Why not?"

I had no answer. Lunch with Oikawa was going way past my rule of not even looking at him but my masochistic side seemed to be in control.

"Okay."

After I agreed he smiled and laid back into the grass. I stared for a moment and then joined him. My hands cradled my head and my arm touched Oikawa's. Neither of us moved away and I began to feel constriction in my chest. I tried to focus on the leaves above me instead of the warm tingling in the skin that touched his. A cool breeze caressed my skin and shook loose flower petals from the trees. They fell around us like snowflakes. It was a beautiful moment that I almost missed by my fear of running into Oikawa. I turned my head to look at him.

His eyes were closed and there was an upturn to his lips. His damp hair was drying and the salt from the sweat stuck strands together here and there. I really did enjoy looking at him. When I was with him the anxiety shrunk away bit by bit. It felt so much better to just be around him then to try and avoid it.

Logically, I knew that my aversion to him was based on my own issues and not on his opinions of me. I saw myself as dirty and unworthy but of course he didn't feel that way. He would have no reason to. I also had no reason to think that he would see me that way if he ever learned of my past. I knew those fears were irrational because everyone reacts differently to hearing about trauma but my brain refused to recognize anything but the worst possible outcome.

'You're already contaminating him.'

I knew I wouldn't escape those thoughts for long. My arm shifted in response to my own words and Oikawa's eyes opened immediately.

"Is your knee feeling better?" I asked and sat up to avoid eye contact.

She sat up and he could see flower petals clinging to her hair. He wanted to reach out and brush them out with his fingers but he refrained. She was pulling away and he didn't want to make he feel uncomfortable. The satisfaction of the few minutes on the grass sated him somewhat and the ache in his chest ebbed. It was enough for the time being. Enough to last until tomorrow at lunchtime. He remembered she asked him a question.

"Yeah. That was just what I needed."

Naka wouldn't know that he wasn't just talking about taking a rest. The image of her taking off his knee brace still hit him like a punch in the gut. She had been so bold and then so soft when she laid down next to him. He made sure to close his eyes to better focus on the feeling of her skin against his and the smell in the air. This memory, he made sure, would be with him forever.

"We should meet up with Hinata and Hajikun but I'm not letting you do more than a brisk walk." Her face was still turned away from his when he moved to put his brace back on.

He wanted to look at her.

"I've been trying not to ask but the intrigue is killing me." His cryptic words surprised her and she looked at him just as he hoped. "How do you and Iwa-chan know each other? I asked him and he said it was your decision to tell me or not."

He thought she would blush and look away like she did when she was embarrassed by something but she didn't. The way she looked made lungs stop working. Her eyes widened in fear and morphed into unbridled despair and she blindly reached for the bench to sit down. Unsure of what to do his hands reached out and paused in midair, hovering a short distance away from her. They fell to his side and he sat down next to her. She was breathing heavily but suddenly she clenched her shaking hands together and took deep, measured breaths.

When her breathing regulated she glanced at him.

"I'm sorry you had to see that." Oikawa was still in shock about her reaction and how useless he felt. He shook his head rapidly.

"No, no. I'm sure that was my fault." Again his hands moved but he had no idea what he wanted to do with them. "I'm sorry."

She was silent for a while, breathing deeply and looking straight in front of her but not really seeing.

"Did Hajikun really say that you should ask me?" Her voice sounded carefully calm and it sent up red flags for Oikawa.

He hadn't thought much of Iwa-chans grave tone when they spoke; 'It's not my story to tell. If you really want to know you'll have to see if Mari will tell you. It's a sensitive topic though. Most likely she won't'. It just seemed like his usual warnings against Oikawa being too arrogant or flirtatious. He never would have imagined the question would have had the reaction he saw.

"He said you probably wouldn't tell me if I asked." He had the grace to look regretful. "He also made it seem like I shouldn't."

She suddenly sighed.

"I bet he did." She smiled but it looked so sad. Her shoulders were slumped and her face was pale but she wasn't shaking anymore.

"Listen, I'm sorry. If it's a topic that's off-limits then I won't bring it up again but I," he stopped.

Was he about to say that he liked her? That wouldn't do, at this moment or even at all. He hadn't forgotten her opinions of him or the way she ignored him the last day of training camp a few days prior.

But what could he say? He wanted to be closer to her than he was. As close as Iwa-chan was.

"I just want to know more about you."

Finally, she turned to him without an inexplicable expression. Her eyes were so beautiful and bright and full of emotion. It was the most vulnerable he had ever seen her.

"Let's start with my favorite color then." A relieved smile grew on his face. "It's blue."

We talked we headed to the bakery. I wouldn't let him go any faster because of his knee. He only whined for the first five minutes before I distracted him with information about myself. It felt good to create a new friendship, especially with him because at least then I could spend platonic time with him.

If we were friends then maybe my traitorous brain would stop making me feel bad for liking him. Navigating the relationship in that direction put me in his friend zone as well which was undoubtedly the only way he would have ever chosen to be close with me. I might have still had feelings for him but friendship was an area my brain and body were comfortable with.

I could feel the anxiety of being around him start to fade away. The knowledge that he wanted to be friends helped my critical thoughts ebb. If there was no shot at romance then I had no reason to be so self-conscious and I could forget about the shame I had been feeling.

So I let myself blissfully escape into the safe haven of friendship, the happiness from which would help push down the desire for something more. I stopped thinking so I could focus more on what Oikawa was saying

"I wore a shirt with an alien on it and now Iwa-chan keeps telling people that I think I've been abducted.*

I attempted to hide a laugh behind my hand but failed.

"Ah not you too! I wore it one time! A guy can only take so much."

"You worried about what your fans will think?"

"I'm worried they'll start giving me alien themed stuff now."

We both laughed and he opened the door to the bakery. Hajikun and Hinata were sitting at a small table near the front windows. I saw that there were two untouched drinks and two slices milk toast waiting at the open seats.

"The tea is cold by now. What took you guys do long?" Hinata eyed the leg that had the supposed cramp.

"I got too wrapped up in Oikawa-kun's story about how he was abducted."

I was biting the inside of my mouth to keep a straight face but when Hajikun burst out laughing I didn't contain myself.

"Ahhhh you guys are so mean! See if I ever tell you anything again." He pushed my shoulder with his finger and it felt good not to fear his touch.

There was red on his cheeks that he tried to hide by taking a deep gulp of tea. I looked over at Hinata who, though completely out of the loop, looked at our group with a smile.

"I'm glad you guys are here to take care of Mari. It makes leaving today much easier."

His words sobered the mood slightly. Hajikun took our friendship very seriously, feeling responsible for me just as he had with his sister. Hinata's words drew a curt nod from him.

Oikawa looked... Concerned. He didn't know exactly what Hinata was referring to but he would have been a fool not to have an idea about the seriousness of it. Especially after my reaction to his earlier question. He to nodded and I felt warmth bubble to the surface. The attraction kept at bay swelled in me now at the idea of Oikawa taking on such a burden without knowing what he was agreeing to. I buried it again.

"I'm going to get another slice." I said suddenly and shoved the rest of the sweet toast into my mouth.

My exit was quick and sloppy but I didn't care, I needed to put everything back in order in my brain. I had to remember that Oikawa was in the box labeled 'friend' now, he couldn't keep spilling into other areas. I felt someone stand too close to be a stranger and relieved to see it was Hajikun.

"So." His tone hinted at something but I didn't know what so I stayed silent. "Trashykawa isn't being as trashy today."

"Oh?" I couldn't say more. I was too interested in the topic to disrupt the flow of Hajikun's thoughts.

"In fact he looked like a regular knight in shining armor when Hinata was talking."

We were both staring straight ahead but he would have had to be blind not to see the redness of my face. I couldn't speak. He was muddying up my brain again. The boxes were rocking dangerously and my heart swelled traitorously at the idea of Oikawa wanting to protect me.

At the counter I ordered the second piece of milk toast that I didn't want and asked for strawberries on top out of habit. I glanced over at our table to see Oikawa taking animatedly with Hinata. Neither noticed Hajikun blocking my path.

"He asked you, didn't he?"

I couldn't avoid his stare any longer. I felt the heat that was in my face drain rapidly. For some reason I didn't want Hajikun to know the conversation Oikawa and I had. His eyes bored into me.

"He asked me how we knew each other." I sighed in defeat. His eyebrows scrunched down in anger.

"Idiot. I told him to ask you but I never thought he would. But it's no wonder..." He trailed off talking more to himself than to me. "What did you tell him?"

That surprised me and it was clear in my voice.

"Tell him? Nothing! I nearly had a full blown panic attack at the thought of him knowing."

I pressed my lips together. I had said entirely too much. Hajikun had the sense to look apologetic.

"I'm sorry, I really didn't think he would ask but the dumbass can be unpredictable."

I believed him, if course. Hajikun had been nothing but protective of my privacy which was the reason we never spoke or interacted overmuch in public. People would begin to ask questions just like Oikawa and it would always be easier to avoid the situation altogether than to keep up a lie.

"No need to apologise. I think he felt very bad after seeing me hyperventilate."

I was laughing to try and lighten the mood and to hopefully switch topics. The longer I talked about him the harder it would be to keep my feelings in check. Hajikun said nothing but I could see the wheels spinning in his head. What he was thinking of I could only guess but I used it as an opportunity to return to the table.

I was quiet as I sat down, content to listen to the other two talk. The conversion didn't sink in though as I stared at the bright red strawberries on my plate. It was already beginning to cause problems, the crush on Oikawa. Talking about him was tantamount to psychological torture. I would simultaneously feel euphoria, desperation, and attraction before the feelings of self loathing kicked in.

Interactions with Oikawa himself were fantastic in the moment but had major repercussions afterward as I found out during the training camp. I had been smart to try and distance myself from the emotions I was feeling but when it came to him my will seemed to bend too easily. I went from breaking my vow to not do so much as look at him, to having a friendly stroll to the bakery in less than thirty minutes. When I was around him I was absolutely hopeless and it would only get worse the more time I spent around him.

"-an? Naka-chaaaaaan!" My head whipped toward the call.

Oikawa was waving his arms in front of my face. His voice had reverted to the childish whine he used when he was irritated. I looked around and saw that we were the only two at the table. 'Oh GREAT.'

"You're kind of spacey aren't you?"

I frowned watching him rest good head casually on his hand, elbow on the table beside him.

"Where are Hinata and Hajikun?" He smiled.

"You didn't notice? I told them that your leg cramp was still bothering you but you were putting on a brave face."

I gaped at him stupidly but everything in my brain had been wiped away like a chalkboard.

"Wow! And I've been calling you observant!" He laughed loudly and leaned back in his chair.

The casual running shirt rested on his chest and abdomen still slightly damp from the run. I could almost see the definition of his muscles. My hand twitched and I was appalled at the thought that passed through my brain.

'I wanted to touch him?'

"Why-why would you do that?" I was speaking to myself as much as I was him.

My voice sounded too quiet. 'Why am I out of breath?' I could feel the boxes topple around, spilling their contents once again. He closed his eyes and smiled before he answered.

"To spend more time with you."

His eyes opened and he tilted his head just slightly. Just enough to make my heart feel like bursting. A small, wickedly amused part of me brain wondered how high my blood pressure was at that precise moment.

"Why?"

My voice was louder, too loud and too obviously confused. It sounded like I was wondering why the great Oikawa would want to spend time with me. 'But isn't that the case?' I could have punched myself.

"Why not?" His tone now was so infuriatingly casual.

I gritted my teeth together. 'Snap out of it. You're acting like a typical, infatuated fan of his. It's just Oikawa. He's just a guy from school who wants to have breakfast with me.' The boxes separated.

"Okay." I shrugged.

If he was surprised at my change in demeanor he didn't show it. He merely took a slow, languid sip of tea.

"Let's talk about your knee." I said.

He froze and I cheered inwardly.

"If you push it you're going to ruin your career."

My fingers tore a small piece of toast and popped it into my smug mouth. This battle for control was one of the reasons I enjoyed our conversations. We were both well versed in watching people and figuring out how to interact with them.

His empty cup slid across the table softly and hit my hand.

"Are you a doctor?" The was a playful energy about him as he spoke though his face remained impassive.

"I don't need to be one to see that you're overworking yourself."

Another piece of toast made it to my mouth. I wasn't hungry but there seemed to be power in being the only one at the table eating.

"Just how often do you watch me?" His eyebrows raise up as he taunted.

"Do you want the running total or just an estimate?" Neither of us could hold back our laughter at that.

It was always this way when we spoke. Pushing any buttons we could to get a reaction. It was only around him that my mind would sometimes be still enough to let a personality long forgotten shine through. My mind was a tumultuous river constantly coursing and his presence was a sudden calming of the current. But only sometimes.

The words I said repeated over and over in my brain in the ensuing silence. No, it wasn't new information that I had spent some time watching him. I flat out told him I had when I went on my tirade not too long ago but talking about it so casually was embarrassing even though I was enjoying the banter. I knew later on that I would be obsessing over this conversation as the boxes tangled together in the comfort of my own home.

"So, why are you pushing yourself so far anyway? You're probably the best all around player in the area. Why risk that?"

The genuine curiosity I had was apparent as I leaned forward to hear his reply. He scrunched up his nose.

"It's embarrassing to admit but I have a genius monster at my back and he's going to surpass me no matter what I do."

He looked out the window behind me like he was watching the person he spoke of.

"But there are some things I can do that he won't ever be able to. I have to keep going or I'll be left behind."

I was surprised by his candor. The honesty of his words hit me hard and the ease in which he admitted his deficiencies saddened me.

"The setter from Karasuno?" His eyes flickered back to me for a moment. He nodded.

"Well killing yourself in the process won't help."

"Ah, now you sound like Iwa-chan!" I was relieved to see him stick out his tongue at me.

"Good. Hajikun at least has the sense to keep you in check."

"Nobody keeps me in check, I'm the captain." He whined

"Sure, sure." I popped a strawberry into my mouth. "Anyway, you don't have anything to worry about just yet. He's not going to surpass you in one month."

"A month?"

"The Inter High prelims."

I said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Oikawa sat up straighter with a smirk on his face.

"I can't wait. If they face us I'll make sure to show Tobio-chan my full abilities."

The look in his eyes made me shiver. To be on the receiving end of Oikawa's competitive spirit would be incredibly intimidating. I could see the drive written plainly on his face; hard and eager and aggressive. It was an aspiration that could make someone take foolish risks in hopes of bigger payoffs. I shook my head.

"I'll have to tell Hajikun to keep a special eye on you so you don't overdo it."

"Oh come on!" He was beginning to whine when his tone changed. "Wait, are you worried about me?"

It was an obvious attempt at trying to get a rise out of me but even with that knowledge I still blushed. He was right on the money.

"Not about you. I'm worried that you'll hurt yourself again and Seijou will be beaten out of the Inter Highs." I was only slightly worried about that.

Most of my investment in the team was due to my affection for Hajikun and my enjoyment of watching Oikawa. The bulk of my worry stemmed from the incredibly uncomfortable image of Oikawa's face when he was trying to hide his pain. 'This is what it means to like someone,' I conceded. To care so vehemently about the welfare of another who I had spoken to the first time one month prior was embarrassing to say the least. I was happy that the man sitting across from me couldn't read my thoughts.

He was frowning.

"I won't let them down."

There was silence once again but it wasn't awkward. A small sense of companionship enveloped me. It was the feeling of making a new friend. We looked at each other for a moment and I could feel the urge coming on again; the urge to touch him. His hair, his arm, his shoulder. 'his chest'. I pinched my leg, appalled at my thoughts. 'I need to stop looking at him.'

"Do you want some?" I gestured to the bread, desperate to break eye contact. "I think I shouldn't have ordered a second slice."

He chuckled.

"I would never say no to milk bread."

His hand reached out to take the small plate I held. I found my hand was shaking as I held it out and I focused on trying not to make contact with his skin. As soon as he took the plate the unused napkin on the side tumbled to the floor and I quickly reached for it. But Oikawa did too.

Our fingers interlocked slightly as we gripped the napkin. We were so close I could see the definition of the muscles in his arm. Worse, I could feel the tickle of his hair brushing against my cheek. In a moment of mindless insanity I turned to my left and saw his face inches away from mine. The warm brown of his eyes seemed to swallow me whole and I was lost in them. If I leaned just a bit our noses would have touched. If I leaned farther... My thoughts consumed me and all at once I thought I saw Oikawa shift slightly toward me.

Frantically, I stood, my chair toppled over behind me from the force with which I moved.

"Excuse me. I'm sorry. I have to go!" My voice was wild and the entire bakery was looking our way.

I move quickly toward the door, vaulting the overturned chair, and ran with every ounce of energy I could in the direction of home.

It was a long and tumultuous journey. I found it hard to focus on my surroundings or street signs. Any thought that tried to form was brutally crushed by Oikawa's face so close to mine. I had to repeat directions over and over in my head just to make the right turns and I failed as often as I succeeded but I never slowed.

By the time I reached my house my whole body shook with exhaustion and collapsed on the stoop breathing raggedly. I hoped vaguely that the awkward encounter would automatically negate the agreement of having lunch together the next day.

It did not.

The frustration he felt when she ran away wasn't directed at her but at himself for his careless, albeit almost instinctual, action. He had leaned toward her, drawn in by her eyes that seemed to be begging for a kiss. But he was projecting. It was how he had wanted her to look, but it was obviously not true, as her quick exit confirmed.

Hadn't he found out that she was seemingly uninterested in romantic relationships? Hadn't he known that even if she did want a relationship that it wouldn't be with him? With someone she saw as a manipulator, especially of women? And still he barely stopped himself from leaning the few inches to meet her lips with his.

But the moment their hands met on the fallen napkin he knew he would be unable to stay away from her. There was a large possibility that she didn't want to see him. She had, after all, ran from him. It made the decision on whether or not he would keep to their agreement to have lunch together difficult.

Though she had ran, she still showed considerable care for his well-being in regards to his knee. It ached as he paced his room. He glanced at his television, paused on an opponent he couldn't remember the name of. He had to make up his mind soon. Thinking of Naka-chan was becoming borderline obsessive and it began to get irritating. Girls had never interfered with volleyball and they couldn't begin to.

Nervously, he grabbed his phone and turned it over between his hands. He would have to make the call but it began to feel heavy. No doubt, the experience would be extremely unpleasant. He nearly put it down again but the glare of the tv spurred his fingers to move. He dialed the number.

"What do you want?"

"Iwa-chan! Is that any way to greet your best friend?"

There was a pause on the other end and he knew Iwaizumi was holding back a sigh. Oikawa grimaced and looked at the clock. It was past 11. He definitely should have called sooner, or not at all.

"Oikawa, it's late, just tell me what you want."

'Should I just say it?' It was a terrifying thought, but if he drew it out it was more than likely to make things much worse.

"Oikawa!" Iwa yelled.

"Alright, alright!" He closed his eyes and scrunched his face, "I have feelings, deep feelings, for Naka-chan."

His whole body was rigid though Iwaizumi wasn't there to flog him. It seemed his body was reacting on memory. The silence on the other end did nothing to calm his muscles, or his blood pressure.

"Iwa-"

"No."

There was silence again. 'No?' The pause didn't last for long, Oikawa's curiosity was uncontrollable.

"Did you just say 'no'?" He asked.

"I did."

The curt tone didn't seem too harsh but Oikawa's skin prickled in foreboding. It felt like the calm before the storm.

"No what?"

"No. You can't like Himari."

'Oh.' The statement hit him hard. Of course he knew that Iwa-chan wouldn't be happy about his confession. What he had expected was much more violent, as Iwaizumi was wont to be, and nothing at all like the calm, threatening aura he felt even through the phone. This was all new territory for him, upsetting Iwa-chan without any sarcasm or humor behind it.

"But I do-"

"No!" Iwa yelled and Oikawa winced. "No. Mari isn't capable of surviving a relationship with you."

He forgot his decision to simply become friends with her at his friend's words.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

His gut was burning, indignant and injured and defensive. Of all the things Iwaizumi had said to him, none had ever been more serious or more brutal than that statement. It sounded as if Oikawa's presence would literally kill her.

"You know what it means. You manipulate people into getting what you want, I know she's seen it too. You're a flirt. You like the attention and you seek it out. Any girlfriends you've had have all played second string to volleyball. And you're extremely physical with them, I don't even think you let the last one breath with your mouth on hers all the time.

"You don't know her like I do. You would destroy her."

Oikawa's knee felt week, that's why he sat down. Not because there was no more air left in his lungs after the evisceration of his character. It didn't bother him that his closest friend thought that Naka-chan dating him would lead to her demise. He certainly wasn't replaying his previous relationships and wallowing in how that version of him wasn't good enough for her.

Besides, wasn't he just calling Iwaizumi to tell him that he wanted to be friends with her? After admitting his feelings he felt a little foolish because of course there was no way he should like a girl so much after knowing her for such a short time. In fact, he was starting to feel that he didn't like her so much anymore. Yes, that was it. He didn't like her at all.

"Iwa-chaaaaannn you're always so mean! You don't even think before you speak do you?" He whined in the familiar tone he always used.

"I was just kidding. Wow you got pretty mad there."

He didn't feel like it was a lie. He knew it wasn't a lie because of how many times he was currently telling himself that he didn't like her.

"Oikawa, I didn't mean…" He could hear more softness in Iwaizumi's voice and swallowed a lump in his throat.

"Anyway, I was just calling because I thought it'd be interesting to have lunch with Naka-chan tomorrow! You guys spend so much time together I think I'd better get to know your girlfriend."

He closed his eyes and tried not to laugh at himself. He was overdoing it and Iwaizumi could obviously tell but hearing such terrible things about your character that you willfully ignored was difficult.

Iwa-chan was silent in the other line. Of course he hadn't meant to be so harsh, it was difficult to be between two people and being protective of both.

"Oikawa, I'm sorry. Himari is important to me. As important as Sakiko."

Oikawa's eyes shot open. Iwaizumi very rarely said his sister's name, it was always much too painful. He switched the phone to three other side as he tried to figure out what to say. The memory of how dark that first year after her death had been still cast shadows on them.

He wished they had been next to each other rather than on the phone. Just being in the same room as Iwa-chan would have helped both of them.

"I didn't know Iwa, I'm sorry. But I think you should know that I don't intend to pursue things with Naka-chan. I just want to be friends."

It was all he could say. The truth, in times like these, was one of the most important things.

"Just friends?" His friend's voice on the other end sounded considerably lighter.

"Yes, I mean it. Just friends." He smiled with relief. It was truly what he wanted.

"Alright. We'll have lunch in her classroom tomorrow, that's where she usually eats."

"Thanks Iwa-chan!"

They hung up and Oikawa walked over to the television and grabbed his headphones. 'Wait, lunch in the classroom? I have to bring my own lunch!' He looked at how much tape was left and looked at the clock. He was strangely drained from the intensity of the conversation and was very much anticipating his bed. But after reviewing the video he'd neglected he would still have to make his own lunch before going to bed. He sighed and sat down, preparing for a very long night.

A/N:

The only reason we don't open our hearts and minds to other people is that hey trigger confusion in us that we don't feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else's eyes.
-Pema Chodron