so we left. i was really fucking amazed that day. i did something that i hadn't done in my entire life, before. that felt fucking.. well.. if i said terrible, it wouldn't be right, because i didn't really think it was terrible, i just wanted to think so, wanted to make myself think so.
i was fucking bastard.
Gerard avoided me, didn't want to talk to me. he was all right. i did a horrible thing, but.. okay.. i didn't do that. he started right? he started kissing me (thank god we didn't kiss there). yeah. he was the one who came near me just to touch our noses. i lost control. i was like that always.
when i was near Gerard, i lost all the control, i was confused. fucking confused all the fucking time.
well.. i was like.. somewhere else all day. thinking about things. mom told me that i was confused and not there but flying somewhere else and she was right. i was ashamed of my behaviour. if she only knew what Gerard and I did there. oh..
i had to hide something again from her. that became okay. i was lying to her almost every day and i didn't like that.
but what could i do? i had to hide cuz i'd be a phsycho if i told her what i did there.
but.. the most confusing fact there, was that i wasn't regretting. the only thing that made me sick was the fact that Gerard might've thought that i was gay. but i wasn't. i was sure. if i was gay i wouldn't like girls right? but there was a problem. i've never liked girls. neither boys, but, Gerard was something else to me like.. okay, forget,
he was just a teacher to me, no, not just a teacher. a best friend. exactly. a best friend.
I was behaving like an idiot. only idiot could do thing like i'd done with Gerard, and didn't regret then.
Okay. if we forgot everything such as shame and thinking and etc. blah. why did i wanna kiss anyway?
when he started touching our noses, i lost control. it'd be stupid if i kissed him, thanks to Matt.
but why am i calling myself stupid? Gerard started everything? aren't i right? he started pulling me closer and driving me crazy.
he was the one who put his arms around me and made me feel his breathing. i wasn't stupid. he was. yeah. he was stupid for starting everything.
another thing that mattered to me at the moment was Gerard's reaction. what was he thinking? was he thinking like me? was he regretting everything?
oh. god. i just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up.
huh. and guess what? tomorrow was Monday. school. fucking school. i had Maths. ugh.
"Frankie" suddenly i heard the voice. my mom. she was the one calling me Frankie. my father used to call me, my mom didn't, but when my father died she started using to call me "Frankie". i wasn't opposite of this. i liked when she called me Frankie. it was her thing. No one used to call me Frankie other than her.
"yeah, mom" i said.
"baby, aren't you hungry?" she asked. that was the usual question from her. she always asked me if i was hungry.
"nope, mom, im not" i answered.
"come here" she said. i was in my room. stood up and went to her.
"Frankie, now tell me what's up baby. come on" she said. i was confused. how did she know that something was up?
"nothing's up mom. im alright" i said and tried to go but she stopped me and said
"don't try Frank. i repeat. you can't hide anything from me. i am your mother. i can read everything from your eyes. i don't exactly know what's happened but i know something has." she said and narrowed her eyes.
"mom" i said. i couldn't tell her what happened. i needed to lie again. well. fuck.
"nothing's happened mom. im just a little tired." i told her.
"Frank" mom didn't believe in me "baby, are you afraid?"
"afraid? of what mom?" i asked.
"of your heart, baby. you are behaving strange since last night. baby. if you're afraid of your heart?, tell me, please" she uttered.
huh? i really wasn't afraid of my problems with heart. that was stupid. but since i couldn't tell her what happened i preferred to tell her it was my heart that made me behave strange.
"baby" she pulled me to her. "nothing's wrong. see what doctor said? you'll be fine. it's just that you're a teenager. your heart can't take this much baby, that's all. nothing's wrong. i promise. Frankie.." she hugged me. i felt guilty and ashamed of what i did but it'd be worse if i told her that i nearly kissed a man so.. it was better.
well.. the only thing i was thinking about in my mother's arms, instead of thinking about her, was school. how was i going to see Gerard next day? how was i going to tell him something? look at his eyes? how was he going to react when seeing me? was our friendship going to end?
if so.. then i'd be better off dead, because without Gerard, i didn't wanna live. he was the one encouraging me to keep on living and not being afraid of walking this world alone.
well.. that day was, like, a "thinking day" for me. i couldn't avoid thinking about Gerard. i tried. several times but i failed so bad.
well.. id i told you that day was good, i'd be lying. i had to do homework, like imagine? imagine doing homework when having problems like me. this is why i hated my life so much. okay. let's leave it here.
going to school was even harder. i couldn't wake up early because my mom had to go to shop . as i already told you, i couldn't wake up by myself.
fuck.
i was gonna be late at school. that was feeling so bad. i ran and tried to go there as fact as i could. well. when i got there, the bell was already rang. huh, i was so lucky. oh god. i tried to go to my class.
"Frank" someone shouted. i looked around. it was an English teacher.
"why are you late?" she asked
"um.. im sorry teach." i told her and looked down.
"okay, go to class" she said and continued going on her way.
i knocked on the door. my heart was beating soo fast. we had Maths first. i was going to see Gerard.
someone stood up...
and the door opened.
that was literally the worst thing that was going to happen in my life.
Gerard was standing at the door.
"um.." i couldn't say anything.
"uh.. Frank.. you.." he started. he was so confused. haha. i already mentioned that but again, confused Gerard was the best thing in the world.
"im sorry.. for.. um.. y'know? for being late." i said.
"come in." he uttered and tried not to look at me.
i came in and went to my desk when Bill pulled his leg out. i was so confused ,didn't see it and was cought on his leg.
"hey." Gerard uttered and tried to catch me. he put his arms around me. i was nearly falling on the floor when he caught me.
i looked up at him. we were close to each-other again. i was resting in his arms. his hazel eyes looked entirely green. he was breathing so weakly. oh poor boy. maybe because he had a flu. oh.. that warmed my heart so much.
but.. there was no time for this.
"um.. Frank stand up" he said and got away." and Bill.. don't you dare doing this again"
Bill said something, Gerard was far away from him and couldn't hear.
i went to my desk and set down. Gerard was silent for some minutes. then stood up, went to desk and started speaking.
"i know guy, that there was someone else instead of me. well. he explained very difficult paragraph, it's too difficult. did you guys understood it?" and looked around.
everyone understood. besides me. why not? they were preparing with other teacher, i couldn't prepare because i didn't have money for it. was that fear, huh?
"well. if someone didn't, i can prepare them at home. now, let's check how you understood it. now? who wants to come to the blackboard?"
everyone raised hands, besides me of course. that was one of the tasks that was needed in exams, i was in trouble.
Gerard looked at class.
"okay. Jessica, come to the blackboard and do this exercise." he said and looked at her.
well. that lesson was super fucking boring. i just had to watch other students being geniuses when i knew nothing about that .
my education in maths went bad. when we had a control writing, i got D. i was always getting A-s. now? i got D, okay. leave it here. in another one i got C. and my mom thought i was her genius.
Gerard was dissatisfied of my results.
well. he wasn't saying anything to me, but i could see.
once when we had maths, we were still on that paragraph. ( Gerard said it was the most important task in maths) he was calling the students out again.
"now?" Gerard asked. "same students every day?" he asked and i felt how he looked at me. i was looking down. i didn't want him to call me out.
"okay."he started. "Frank come to the blackboard please" he finished and the feeling i felt right then was worse than the feeling when someone hits you in your fucking face.
i stood up and went slowly. there was 25 fucking minutes left till the bell. i couldn't last walking to the blackboard for 25 minutes. i was caught. i was fucking caught.
"Frank, please come here" Gerard said. "now, do this exercise please, number 16" and pointed me to the book.
i took it. yeah. i understood something students when they were doing exercises on the blackboard, but, that wasn't enough. the one, on which Gerard had pointed me to do, was super fucking difficult.
i took a chalk, but, i knew i couldn't do that, so put it again on it's former place.
" i don't know" i uttered.
"what does that mean?" Gerard asked. "you can't do that?"
"yeah, im sorry teach. i can't do this. i didn't understand, im sorry." i uttered and looked down.
"okay, Frank. sit there, please." he said.
i was so ashamed but there wasn't anything i had to be ashamed of. i didn't understand. i wasn't a genius. okay. i left it here. i didn't wanna think about it.
***
i was walking home after the lessons were finished.
Gerard said that someone who didn't understand could go to his house but.. no.. that was a crazy idea. first of all, that needed money. i didn't have money.
"Frank" someone screamed. i looked around. well. who would it be if not Gerard?
i waited for him. several days passed after that "nearly kiss" moment and i wasn't that ashamed of what i did there. neither was he. maybe.
i was looking down.
"Frank, er.. um.. okay" he said. wtf?
"i have to go somewhere but til i go, i want to tell you something okay?"
i nooded once.
"Frank, you didn't understand that task. everything that comes after this issue, needs this one to be solved.
"but.." i started.
"stop. okay. let me tell you. you are the best student in class. er.. yeah. and.. well.. Frank, you need to train for this task so hard. well. you can come to my house and i can train you , if you want. i just give you an advice. " he finished and looked at me.
"teach. ugh. i am in trouble" i started. "i really can't understand but.. i don't have money. i don't have enough money to pay. " i said and looked away.
"be shamed of yourself Frank" he told me a little offended. "how do you think, will i take money from you?"
oh.. that was fucking impossible. no, i couldn't.
"im sorry but, i can't, no, it's not that i don't want, i just, for free? teach, i can't" i couldn't look at him.
"Frank. i don't make you do this. it's your choice. i just don't want to lose you, you are a really intelligent boy. i want you to understand everything in maths because i am in hopes of you in exams. Frank. i think it's better if you do" he said.
"but i can't for free, teach" i muttered.
"oh.. okay. do you wanna pay?" he asked ironically.
i kept silence. didn't say anything, because i didn't have money.
"i have to go, see you tomorrow at 5 pm. im waiting for you" he said and left. he really had to go somewhere, he was hurrying up.
should i go? well. i needed a prepare. that was fact but, for free?
when i asked mom, she said that i had to agree, because he was a teacher, he didn't have to do this and still, he did so.
yeah. i had to appreciate that. well. we decided to go. i had to go to Gerard's tomorrow. i had no maths that day at school.
well. i hoped everything was going to be okay again in maths.