Harry blinked as the door slammed behind Lupin. "I was just asking," he commented plaintively.

"He's just a little touchy about it," said Sirius, who was still partially in shock from learning that Lily wasn't solely faithful to James, which was the impression that he had always gotten. Sirius realized that he'd said this allowed as Snape responded,

"Oh, Black, did you miss out."

Harry looked at Sirius, then at Snape, then back again. "So, is it just Snape who has done both my parents, or is it Remus too?"

"Umm," Sirius looked embarrassedly back at Harry. "Isn't this an uncomfortable topic for you?" he asked, trying to deflect Harry's prior question.

"No," responded Harry unabashedly.

"Well," temporized Sirius, "I might possibly have hypothetically…" he trailed off.

"Yes?" prompted Harry.

"Walked in on James and Remus and Peter?" Sirius's voice became very very quiet as he rushed through the end of his sentence.

"But he didn't drink to the threesome 'I never'!" exclaimed Fred, scandalized.

"How did he discover a way around the rules when we didn't?" George added on.

Bill frowned, attempting to remember through the alcohol-induced haze. "He did drink!"

"Yes," said Charlie, "You were just too busy making eyes at--"

He was interrupted by Filch and Umbridge stumbling through the door, wildly groping each other.

Everyone looked around in speechless horror, save for Harry. "Hem hem," he said.

Filch and Umbridge sprang apart, both looking like deer caught in headlights. "Mr. Filch was just giving me a tour!" she exclaimed, drawing herself up. "I am here to investigate for the Ministry!"

"Oh," replied Harry blandly. "It's a pity you didn't come just a little earlier. Firenze was here. It seems that there will be quite a few centaurs roaming the grounds this evening. I know how much you hate centaurs. Perhaps another evening would have been better for your," he paused delicately, "tour."

Umbridge gave a little squeak and hurried out of the room, Filch in tow.

"Did you know she gave him whipping privileges?" inquired Harry after Umbridge and Filch left.

"Must you constantly scar us with your comments?" Snape sneered, "Though, I suppose you hardly view them as scarring, considering you've probably done all the parties involved."

"Actually," said Harry, "I'm almost positive that I've never done Filch" (here Sirius took a surreptitious sip, which everyone noticed, but no one could bring themselves to comment upon) "and I'm definitely sure that I've never had sex with Umbridge." Here Draco attempted to slip his gulp under the radar, but the temptation for the others proved too great.

"But," said George.

"Why?" finished Fred.

"How did you think I got to be on the Inquisitorial Squad? Not to mention, the head of it!" This statement made everyone, Harry included, shudder.

Charlie visibly gathered himself. "Moving on…" He was again interrupted by the opening of the door. All eyes turned towards it, hoping that this interruption would be less terrifying than the previous one. Everyone was shocked to see Lucius Malfoy enter the room.

"Lucius!" exclaimed Harry with a large smile on his face, "You told me you weren't going to be able to get here until tomorrow!"

Lucius embraced Harry fondly. "Narcissa was surprisingly eager to sign the divorce papers. I had not been previously aware of her ongoing affections for one Sandy, who is, I believe, a Blast-Ended Skrewt."

"Oh, that's where Sandy went off to? Hagrid was so upset when he just disappeared one day!"

Lucius chuckled, "Trust you to know what was going on. But now that the papers are signed, I can officially give you this." Lucius opened up a small grass-green velvet box, which contained a rather altogether too large and gaudy diamond and emerald and ruby and sapphire and amethyst ring. "My apologies about the ring," he said, "but it's been in the family for generations."

Harry pasted a smile on his face, "It's… lovely…" he said, glad that the dozen unofficial rings that Lucius had given him were in much better taste.

"Wait," said Draco, voicing the thought that was on everyone's mind. "What?"

"Didn't you know?" asked Harry.

"Harry and I have been engaged for nearly three months," Lucius told the astounded audience.

"But," stuttered Draco, "that's about when I proposed to Harry."

"Yes," replied Harry sadly, "I told you it was rather awkward. After all, I'd just accepted your father's proposal, and then you came up to tell me that you still harbored a crush on me from sixth year! A rather unfortunate business, but, after all, Lucius is much better than you."

Draco began to hyperventilate. "My father-" (he gasped) "is marrying-" (he gasped again) "the man I proposed to-" (he had a coughing fit) "while my mother-" (he gave a loud sob) "has run off with-" (he gave one final wracking moan) "a blast-ended skrewt named SANDY!" Fred and George rushed to either side of him, and patted him gently on the back,

"It'll be okay," they said in unison, "just come with us, and we'll make everything all right." They led him out of the Room of Requirements, and vanished down the seventh floor corridor.

Sirius tilted his head, and then shouted with rage, "You SLIMY BASTARD! You fucked MY GODSON!" Lucius looked at him calmly.

"So did you," was his only reply.

"WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW THAT?" Sirius yelled back at him.

"Well," said Lucius, "I think you're thirteenth?"

Sirius looked incensed. Then he looked at Harry. 'Thirteenth,' he thought to himself, 'thirteenth of… how many?' He decided that thirteenth was probably a compliment.

Charlie seemed to have reached the same conclusion. "Sirius…" he trailed off, placing a hand on Sirius' shoulder, "What say you to you and me going to rent a room at the Hogshead?"

"Why not?" responded Sirius, assuming that correctly that Charlie wasn't much lower on Harry's list than he was. Behind them, a passageway to the Hogshead opened suddenly, and they beat a hasty retreat.

Bill looked infinitely amused.

Lucius and Harry swept out of the room, Harry no more drunk than when he had entered it. "I declare," Harry's voice echoed behind him, "I've never learned such interesting information about my friends in one night."

Bill laughed to himself, "I certainly don't have to drink to that." He sighed, and glanced around to see who remained. To his dismay, he found that the only person remaining was Severus Snape.

"Well," he said, glancing over Snape appraisingly, "you can't be worse than a goblin."