One by one the boys left the bunkhouse. Cody and Jimmy said something about doing chores. As for Kid and Teaspoon they didn't bother with a reason. I wasn't sure if it was to make plans without me or because they wanted to avoid me. Struggling to fight tears I stood alone at the far end of the bunkhouse leaning against Buck's bunk. My faith was in short supply. I was scared.
This was something I hadn't expected. I had thought by fleeing I was free of becoming his wife and therefore his possession. Now I was faced with the possibility of the court handing me over to him. As Marshal it would be Teaspoon's job to comply with the court order. I knew he'd never comply and hand me over. He'd remove that badge and do what he had to protect me. Still I hated putting him in that position.
Soft footsteps came up behind me. I knew it was Buck by his scent. It was so unlike Carter's. Carter was always bathed in some expensive cologne. Bragging about his overseas purchase and how much he paid. The smell made me sick. Buck had none of that. It was earthy, natural, and clean. Clean. That was something I could never associate with Carter.
I felt him reach out to me and brush the hair from my cheek. Another clue it was Buck, no one else dared touch me. Not after I freaked out on Cody. I couldn't say I blamed them. Gently he tentatively asked, "Josie?"
I knew he wanted to go outside to make plans with Teaspoon. In all honesty I wanted to be alone myself as I had to clear my head. Turning my head slightly my voice cracked, "Go ahead Buck. I'll be fine."
"I'll be right outside Josie."
I merely nodded my head as he rubbed my arm before walking outside. Only Lou and Rachel were left inside with me. Quietly I went to sit at the table. I needed to get my thoughts together. Perhaps Teaspoon's friend could come up with an idea. He's had a little time to think about it. Maybe by the time we get there he'll have a solution.
Rachel sat across from me and Lou to my left. Looking at the table I tried to think of next steps. What I could do to help resolve this. Giving myself things I could do, a direction, would relieve some of the stress. I liked having a plan. It made me feel like I had some control. I was desperate to have some type of control of my life.
"Teaspoon will find a way to figure this out", placing her hand on mine Lou tried to comfort me.
Uncomfortable I quickly withdrew my hand. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Rachel and Lou exchange a glance. I didn't want to seem ungrateful for everything they have done.
Looking up to Rachel I said, "Ms. Rachel I want to thank you for everything you have done. All the same I have to leave. I can't put Teaspoon in this position. If Carter or his lackeys come with a court order he'd be duty bound to follow through. We both know he wouldn't do that. I can't have him turning his back on the law and getting in trouble for that. So I have to go."
"I know Josie. I understand that," Rachel's genuineness and kindness made me feel better. It also made me worry about her more.
Lou voice sounded encouraging, "When this gets resolved Josie you can come back here and spend time with us. You know we'd love for you to live here if you want. We can get to know each other better. Rachel and I won't be so outnumbered by the boys for once. It'll be nice to have another female friend."
Friend. I've had but one friend in my life. Lou wanted me to be her friend. I could hear their voices but my mind went back. I had one friend Nebraska and I lost her. It hurt. It was a pain I will never get over nor forget.
Abruptly standing up I walked out the door. Lou jumped up behind me confusion in her voice, "Josie? Did I say something to upset you?"
My only response was to shut the door in her face.
Quickly I walked across the yard to the house. It's quiet inside. I'm alone. Surprise hits me as I realize I hadn't really been alone since I came here. There was always someone around me. And I had… become accustomed to it. Leading the life Gambler and I did, wandering, being alone had become normal. I never knew anything different. Even when my mother was alive, she was a solitary quiet person when the Gambler was gone. The week or so it had taken me to ride here I was alone, no companionship save for my horse. It hadn't really bothered me as I was used to it. Being alone was normal. Now I did notice it. Even though it was only a short period of time, I had grown accustomed to these people being around. They had become a part of my life.
Only once before in my life had I come close to feeling this. Only once before was there someone in my life that filled some of that void. Now the riders were more than filling some of the void. They were filling all of my emptiness.
Even right now, in this house by myself I was not alone. I had never fully understood what I was missing out on. Coming to care about these people made me afraid for them. At the same time the happiness and warmth I felt from this "dysfunctional family" eased a lot of my pain. How did I reconcile my fear for them with my desire to have them around? Was I strong enough and unselfish enough this time to make the sacrifice necessary to protect them?
Removing my shoes I sat on the bed with my back to the wall. Hearing the front door open I knew whose voice would follow that sound. It was something else I had become accustomed to. All the same as I heard Buck call my name a sense of relief came. A part of me wanted to run, both to protect these people and myself. To run so I could protect them from Carter and my heart from being hurt. What scared me is that each time I ran, whether it be to the barn or this room, I wanted him to come after me. Afraid that he wouldn't, and knowing it was better if he didn't, I held my breath. The pain and fear in me was intense each and every time I ran. Afraid he wouldn't follow that fear consumed me, even though he always did.
Stepping quickly into the room my eyes briefly met his and I saw the relief. I realized I was becoming as lax as them. Carter was lulling me into the same calm. I hadn't run far, but I ran alone. Who knew what I could have run into? I hadn't thought about it. Clearly Buck had. I saw the look in his eyes when he saw me. Even right now I heard him walking through the upstairs. Once he saw I was okay he did what he did every time. He was checking the entire house to make sure it was safe for Rachel and I. Again I realized the risk I was putting the others through, especially Rachel and Lou.
Lou was nice enough, but I could never get comfortable in her presence. The harder she tried the more it bothered me, like tonight. Deep inside I knew she was trying to be kind and comforting. I could take the comforting from Buck but not from her. I didn't really understand why. She seemed like a kind genuine person. She and Kid really seemed to care for each other. Kid was such a kind patient man. There was something in the way they acted to each other. The looks, the smiles, and the touching were all things I didn't understand. Something I couldn't relate too. Maybe that was part of the reason I couldn't relate to her. All I knew is each time I looked at her something nagged at me. I felt myself shut down. Then I felt guilty about it.
Glancing up I saw Buck remove his gun belt and boots before sitting on the bed next to me. It had become almost a nightly ritual, except of course when he was on a ride. Those nights I didn't sleep. Instead I lay awake all night terrified. Inside my head I imagined the worst possible scenarios. Afraid that Carter had spied me giving Buck a look or a smile. Knowing full well Carter was watching to me. Again my mind went to the thought of Carter as the cat playing with the mice before he killed us. It was no fun for Carter to play with his prey if he couldn't see our fear.
Also I knew what my actions with Buck would do to Carter. It would send him into a rage that I might give attention to someone Carter viewed less than him. Being of mixed blood Carter would see Buck as half a man. Though I knew he was twice the man Carter was. Until I saw Buck riding in I was terrified that he would die because of me. I was afraid for all of them. I couldn't live with that guilt again. I couldn't be responsible for someone I care for dying. When Buck was on a ride I would constantly look for him coming back. If I saw a rider coming towards the station I stood still waiting, waiting until he was close enough. Close enough for me to see that flowing hair, the light pants, dark top, and I knew it was him.
Gently Buck picked up my hand in his and waited. Usually it was I who got impatient and spoke up first but not tonight. Wrapping his fingers around my hand he gently urged me to talk, "Josie there's something bothering you more than just this legal thing isn't there?"
A shrug was all the response he got. Squeezing my hand I knew he wanted an answer, but I didn't know what to say. My mind was swirling.
"How am I going to get out of this? I just wanted this to be over Buck." Leaning back against the wall I closed my eyes. I knew my tone sounded defeated, "It's starting to wear on me. I don't see a way out. Maybe it's better if I just return to Carter. That way everyone will be safe."
"Everyone but you."
"Sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. If I return now it'll put an end to this. I'm tired Buck. I don't want to see anyone else hurt. Carter won't give up until I'm dead and he'll hurt as many of you as he can before that. This had to end Buck", my voice was soft and calm. There was a resolve to it.
"Josie I don't ever want to hear you talk like that! Do you hear me? You aren't going back. Carter will kill you. I won't allow it. Teaspoon won't. None of us will. We'll get through this Josie", Buck's voice was firm and angry. His hand ran along the side of my face turning me to him. Lifting up my chin he wanted me to look him in the eyes. So I did.
Bitterly honest I stated what we both knew, "Someone has to die Buck. That's the only way it will end."
Running his hand through my hair he said nothing so I continued, "It's better me than any of you. This is my problem. I should never have come here."
"Josie, don't say that. You did the right thing coming here", he paused when I was unable to stop some tears. Pulling me close he put his arm around me. Resting my head on his chest I tried not to think about how good it felt. Talking softly he gave me the gentleness I needed, "We will get you through this no matter what we have to do. Except for letting you go back. That we can't allow. We know what he'll do to you Josie. It'll kill Teaspoon if something were to happen to you. Your grandfather would go after Carter even if it meant his own death. Your grandfather cares about you, we all do."
"Why couldn't my father have cared? It would've prevented this whole situation. How can someone do that? How can Carter do what he does and why would my father put me in this situation? My father's a monster."
Painfully Buck said, "I don't know why Josie. I've tried to figure it out, but I don't understand men like Carter or the man that took my mother. I don't understand how they can be like that."
"Oh… Buck I'm sorry I didn't realize."
"You don't have to apologize Josie. It is what it is. My father was a white man who took my mother. I've seen what humans can do to each other. I've never understood. Sometimes it's blatant things like what you and my mother went through. Sometimes its smaller things like the way people treated Ike", sadness in his voice.
"Or the way they treat you?"
"Yes."
"When you lived among the Kiowa did you have the same difficulties you have here among white men?"
"Yes, I was an outsider. My brother Red Bear loved me and treated me well. Among the others I was an outsider. I ate after the others, when I slept their eyes were on my back. It will always be hard for me and for those around me. I'll never be completely accepted."
"By some folks right?"
Buck said nothing. Pulling away from him I turned and gave him a bit of a glare, "You're not including me in that are you? 'Cause I don't give a damn one way or another. Being white don't make a man better. Look at my father and Carter."
Pulling away from him I laid down in a fetal position. Closing my eyes tight I tried desperately to suppress the sobs. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Buck remove his vest and throw it on the table by his hat. Taking off his pouch he hung it off the bed post by his gun belt and laid down behind me.
When he wrapped his arms around me I leaned back against him. It was as if my body was trying to take strength from his. I tried to control the tears as I whispered painfully, "Tell me you believe that Buck. I have to know that you believe I accept you for who you are, as you are. That you know I don't care about the circumstances of your birth or the color of your skin. I have to believe that you know I'll never judge you or hold against you things out of your control. I need to know you believe that because I'm desperate to believe you'll do the same for me."