A/N: Sorry for the long pause. RL screwed me. :-(
Thank you for all your lovely reviews! I'm so happy to see people are actually reading this^^ I love you all and thank you again. ( At Winterless: Your review made me laugh so hard! It's weird how calling me Bastard is hilarious! XD)

So, now enjoy Kaidan's reaction. :-)

Between stars

10. Dark clouds of London

Once the door was closed behind Kaidan, he felt his legs losing their strength to support him. Sliding down the door, facing his empty apartment, Kaidan wished his mind would be just as peaceful.

"No, no, no!" He warned himself. "Don't freak out! Focus! Think!"

But focusing and thinking were far beyond his abilities right now. All he wanted to do was to scream and find something to punch in hard. With that thought, a blue energy blast hissed through his apartment and within seconds the glasses and bowls in his open cupboard were nothing but shreds.

"Dammit!" Kaidan cursed. Trying to calm his heart by breathing in and out deeply as he'd learned from Brain Camp, Kaidan forced himself to think about something relaxing and beautiful. Mostly, he'd think about his home. His parent's house in Vancouver had always been a place he could hide from his worries and sorrows. He remembered the troubled days when all he needed to calm himself was to look upon the sky over English Bay, which was as blue as Shepard's eyes.

"Shit!" He swore again and another blast of his biotic power went through the room, blowing his couch-table against the wall. Not wanting to demolish his apartment any further, Kaidan ripped his thoughts away from Shepard's eyes. He needed something calming. Liara's face appeared in front of him and her soft voice sounded in his head.

Before he knew it he was at the comm-booth, punching in Liara's connection code. If there was someone he could count on, then it was Liara. She'd always been there for him and if Kaidan remembered it right, she had offered to share wisdom and advice anytime he needed it.

"Kaidan." Liara appeared in his comm-booth after a while. She looked exhausted and Kaidan nearly face-palmed himself for forgetting about the time-difference between the Citadel and Thessia.

"I am surprised to see you," she said and Kaidan exhaled deeply. "Is there something you need?"

"Liara," he sighed. "Sorry for waking you... I'm just so... ah... confused."

"Okay, let's hear it."

"I made a mistake last night." Kaidan glanced up at her like a small child confessing its mischief.

"You told Shepard everything?" She asked, concerned.

"No, not that..."

"So you slept with him?"

"How do you know that?"

"Just a guess."

"I don't want to play games, Liara," Kaidan sighed again, rubbing his temple and feeling the return of a headache. "Yeah, I slept with him. But that's not why I called."

"So?" If Liara had any disapproval about Kaidan's behaviour, she didn't show it and Kaidan was grateful for it.

"I need information on his ex-girlfriend."

"Which one?"

Ouch! That hurt. "All of them."

"Kaidan," she said with more edge in her voice. "Please tell me what exactly you need."

"Okay, just one of them. He asked me to find her this morning and I..."

"This morning? I though you said that you..."

"I did."

"I am so sorry, Kaidan."

For a moment, there was only silence. Kaidan didn't know what else he could say because the sound of Shepard's voice was in his head again. He flinched at the words of Shepard confessing love to another person and in this moment he hated her as much as he hated the Reapers. No matter who she'd been or what she'd done, Kaidan just hated her, for Shepard loved her.

"Kaidan?" Liara's voice brought him out of his thoughts. Again, he was grateful for her interruption because the thoughts he was having might have lead him to a very dark place.

"Yeah." Kaidan nodded, supporting his arms on the com-panel. "This woman. He said it might have been his wife."

"Shepard is not married." Liara seemed very eager to get this one right, as if it would make Kaidan feel any better.

"Well, bad for him. If he was, she might be easier to track."

"Kaidan, this must be a misunderstanding." She shifted on her feet and frowned even deeper. "If there were such a woman, I would have known it."

"I thought that, too." Kaidan's voice was a heavy sigh. "But I don't see how I could have misunderstood this. He was pretty clear about it."

"We both knew Shepard. He wouldn't have done such things to you."

"The Shepard I knew liked to play," Kaidan growled, thinking of the times back on the SR-1, when the commander flirted with him just for the kick of it. "I don't know what I should believe anymore. Liara, every day he keeps talking about his ex-girlfriends. I try to tell myself, that that was all before me. But... how should I think he'd been serious with me?"

Liara stepped closer to the console and pinned down Kaidan with her very steady stare. "You shouldn't doubt him, Kaidan. Before we have proof, it's only speculations."

Kaidan lifted one eyebrow at her tone. He might not be perceptive enough to tell if she was lying or not, but he'd known Liara long enough to notice if she was keeping something from him.

"Liara, tell me what you know!"

"Kaidan..."

"I'm not blind," he hissed. "You're keeping something from me."

"I have a lot on my mind, that all," she explained, not looking at him. "After what you said, I'm concerned that things like these could pass my sight."

"Like what? That he cheated on me?"

"We can't be sure yet," she rectified. "We should remember, Shepard has amnesia. He might be confused or maybe the time-line isn't that clear in his mind. Or he might simply be mistaken."

"I thought that at first," Kaidan admitted, nodding slowly. "For a moment, I even wished that the woman he mentioned would be Miranda. Than I could almost be sure he didn't cheat on me. But then, he told me that she'd been with us in London."

"That's very unlikely." Shaking her head slightly, Liara's eyes narrowed. "We both have been there and we've seen it with our eyes. There was no such woman."

"Why would he ask then?"

"The logical explanation would be that he's not remembering it right. Regardless of the fact that you were very close to him, I don't think you should do this. Don't stress your mind with this burden."

Kaidan managed a short laugh. "Liara, do you really think I want to look for his slu...ex? I just... I don't know. I promised him I'll find her."

"That's too much to ask."

"Look, if it was up to me, I'd just kill her and tell him she's dead." Kaidan closed his eyes for a second, ashamed of what he'd just said. "But, after all that he'd done, he deserves to be happy. Even if it's not with me."

"I can't believe what I'm hearing!"

"Me neither." Kaidan chuckled, suddenly exhausted. "This is just stupid! It all sounds like extranet-drama. But Liara, I'm nearly forty. I'm tired of getting my heart crushed."

"I'd like to help, if you'd let me," She offered after a short pause.

Kaidan gave her a quick smile. "As long you're not Cupid and shoot him with an arrow..."

"Who?"

"Cupid. The Angel of love... never mind."

Liara glanced at him with a curious look, then she smiled gently. "Kaidan, but be honest, how are you really doing?"

Kaidan snorted. "How should I be? I just demolished half of my apartment without really wanting to."

"Maybe it's better if you let me handle this thing," she said and tipped something on her end. "You're emotionally compromised right now. You really shouldn't be the one doing the research. No offence."

"None taken." Kaidan buried his face in his hand. He didn't know what he could do. Maybe it was best to let Liara handle this. She was the Shadow Broker, after all. If she couldn't get to the bottom of this, no one could. "It might be better. I'm not sure if I'll have the composure not to kill her when I've found her."

"This is a dangerous thought," she warned.

"And I'm not so nice as everybody thinks I am," Kaidan replied, not knowing why he'd just said that. "Yeah, you're right. I'll leave this to you. If I kill her, Shepard won't hesitate to kill me."

"On that, I agree." She smiled again and seeing her smile made Kaidan feel a little better. "Kaidan, in the meantime, you should try to take your mind off things."

"I should cut the line, that's what I should do," Kaidan grunted.

"I mean, it might be a good idea if you accept the offer to take your biotic-students off-station," Liara suggested. She lowered her head a little and gave Kaidan a smirk, telling him that she was aware of all what was going on on the Citadel. "A trip to a hostile world might be the distraction you need."

"Yeah, and I can finally do something I'm good at." Kaidan chuckled. "Well, thanks for the chat, Liara. I really needed this."

"Any time, my friend."

"And sorry about waking you. I forgot about the time."

"It's all right."

When the comm ended, Kaidan was relieved that he wasn't angry anymore. He was still mad at Shepard, but what Liara had said made sense. He mustn't be so hard on Shepard. The man had suffered serious brain injuries; maybe he wasn't remembering right. Maybe he was talking about Miranda after all. Though Shepard never told Kaidan anything about her, he hadn't missed the glances she gave him. And there was this one time he met up with her in a Citadel apartment.

Shaking his head, Kaidan told himself that all was in the past. Leaning against the comm-panel, Kaidan sighed deeply. For a long time, he just stood there, thinking and watching the table, which was broken into pieces just like Kaidan's heart.

No matter how hard he'd tried, he just couldn't wrap his head around what had happened last night. That couldn't all be a lie, could it? All the tension between them couldn't have been an illusion, right? And the love? Shepard had whispered the words into his ears just like he used to. How could that be a lie?

Maybe he really should cut the line. Shepard had caused him more pain than any other person in his life. But yet, the commander had introduced him into realms of pleasure beyond his imagination. In the short weeks he'd really been with Shepard, Kaidan had gained so many beautiful memories he could fill his whole life with it. Every night he'd laid in Shepard's arms was like a dream he couldn't remember right, but couldn't forget either.

Moving into the shower, Kaidan cursed himself for thinking like a love-sick teenager. He was too old to be like this. Tugging his hands into his hair, Kaidan let the water spreading down on him, determinate to wash away the scent Shepard had left there. When the warmth of the shower consumed him, Kaidan let go of his emotions. His tears mixed with the water and even Kaidan couldn't say how much he cried.

Then he was there again.

Under the dark clouds of London, Kaidan watched the commander approaching him. Shepard looked as messed up as Kaidan was. With his face darkened by the ashes of battle and shining from the little rain-drops falling from the sky, the blue eyes of the first human Spectre seemed to glow from the distance. Kaidan would never have enough of this sight. No matter where he was or what enemy he was facing, he always found hope when he looked at Shepard.

Though words faded with years, Kaidan had never forgotten the feelings he had in Shepard's arms. Those strong arms were his haven when he needed it, and those strong arms had pulled him out of fire for so many times. He could still remember the sensation of Shepard's breathe on his neck and Shepard's hands on his hips.

"When this is over, I'm going to be waiting for you." Shepard had said to him with the look of determination on his face. Then he'd stepped closer and the expression turned hard, reminding Kaidan that Shepard wasn't going to accept any defiance of his order. "You better show up!"

All Kaidan could do was to close the gap between them. When he spoke, his voice was barely a whisper. "Don't get me wrong, I'm going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again."

With something so wonderful like Shepard waiting for him, Kaidan had every motivation to survive this Hell. He leaned his face on Shepard's armoured shoulder and breathed in. He'd hoped to smell the familiar scent of his lover, but all he could recognize was ash and blood.

"Marry me, Kaidan!" Shepard had said without any warning.

"What?"

"You heard me. Marry me, Kaidan."

Caught off guard, Kaidan just stared at the commander with his mouth open.

"You want me on my knees?" Shepard asked in his usual serious tone.

Even there, Shepard managed to make Kaidan chuckle. "No, John. It's just..." He shook his head, thinking. When he looked back into the eyes he loved, there was only one thing he could say. "Yes, John Shepard. I'll marry you."

That had finally brought a grin to the commander's face. Looking at it, Kaidan had realized that that was the first time Shepard had grinned in days.

"Give me your hand," the commander said, reaching out for Kaidan's gauntlet.

"Don't tell me you have a ring."

"Something better."

Into Kaidan's palm, Shepard had dropped two metal-plates on a chain. The N7 dog-tags were slightly heavier than the normal one. Covered in Shepard's sweat and smelling like his lover, Shepard's dog-tags rested peacefully in Kadian's grasp.

"Take care of them while I'm gone," Shepard had whispered and gently closed Kaidan's palm.

Kaidan had only nodded and then took out his own tags. When he dropped the dearest token of a soldier into Shepard's hand, he was glad that Shepard would keep them right at his heart.

"I want them back on the other side," Kaidan said. But when the words escaped his lips, Kaidan wasn't entirely sure there was another side to be on. But despite all, this was the least he could do.

With a broad grin on his face, Shepard had eyed Kaidan's dog-tags the way he had looked at his model ships. The sparkle in his eyes was the only light Kaidan wanted to see at that moment, and the simple joy on Shepard's face illuminated the shadowy night this war cast over all of them.

When their lips met, Kaidan could almost forget about the distant roars of the Reapers. Instead, his mind was filled with the ridiculous sound of wedding-bells. Kissing Shepard almost desperately, Kaidan felt his own heart clench. At that time he didn't know if there would ever be a wedding-night for them.

"Take care, Major." When Shepard walked away from him, Kaidan could feel the tears gathering in Shepard's heart. Of course the commander wouldn't cry in front of all the others. For them he was the hero. For them he was a symbol. But for Kaidan, Shepard was all that and much much more.

"Stay save, John." When the commander's features disappeared in the distance, Kaidan murmured to himself. "I love you."

I really hope I didn't disappoint anyone.

I'm actually at Chapter 12 right now. So maybe I can even update the other chapter today. :-)

HeavenOnFire :-)