"I don't understand why you both can't be the Joker," said Harley, as she watched the real Joker preparing a very complex trap for Edward Harker, hammering in a nail while balancing on a beam. "Can't you just find it flattering that he wants to be you, and enjoy a different interpretation of your character which can only add to your popularity?"
"No," snapped Joker. "I'm the Joker. There can be only one."
He paused. "That's a thing, right, Harley?"
"Yeah, it's Highlander, Mr. J."
"See? I knew it was a thing. Ain't past my prime at all," he muttered, picking up a wrench. "And anyway, what if this Harker Joker becomes more popular than me? What if people start to love him more than classic Joker? I don't think I can deal with that kinda rejection from my adoring public, Harley."
"Oh…yeah, Mr. J?" asked Harley, slowly. "So you are kinda…emotionally dependent on your audience?"
"Emotionally what? No, of course not!" he snapped. "I just mean if there turn out to be about a million fans of this guy, I can't conceivably go around killing all of them! I simply don't have the time!"
He stepped back, admiring his handiwork with a smile. "What do you think, Harley girl?" he asked, turning to her.
"Um…what's it supposed to be, Mr. J?" Harley asked, puzzled.
"You blind? It's a gag!"
"I don't…um…get it," said Harley, slowly.
He sighed heavily. "Guess I'll have to explain the joke. But you know how I hate doing that, Harley."
"You can spank me for it later, puddin'," she breathed.
He patted her head fondly. "It's a fungeon, pooh!" he exclaimed, throwing up his hands. "See, ya trap Harker in this little room here. And we got…" He went over to the wall and pulled a lever. "Floor riddled with joy buzzers to shock him," he said, as electricity hummed through the cell. "A trapdoor that drops chattering teeth on him, with a real bite," he chuckled, as the ceiling fell in. "And last but not least, one of my favorites, an exploding whoopie cushion to end the party with a bang!" he chuckled, as an explosion was set off. "All gags that the realistic and gritty Mr. Harker would no doubt find ridiculous and silly. But the joke's gonna be on him, and it's gonna be a killer!"
He laughed hysterically. "So how are you gonna lure him here, puddin'?" asked Harley.
"I'm gonna leave that to you, my sweet little pumpkin pie," he said, smiling at her. "Get him here somehow. Say you've changed your mind about wanting to sleep with him or something, and lead him here. And then I'll spring the trap on him."
Harley looked uncomfortable. "Mr. J, are you sure you wanna kill him?" she asked. "He's a good actor and all, that's rarer than you'd think…"
"He insulted me, pooh!" cried Joker. "He's trying to steal my identity! I've killed people for a lot less than that!
"Yeah, but he's got real talent, Mr. J…and it's shaping up to be a pretty good movie…"
"You saying you want people to love him more than me?" demanded Joker. "You want people to hear the word 'Joker' and think of pretty boy Harker? You want me to be forgotten, Harley?"
"I'm sure that's not gonna happen, puddin'…"
"You just don't understand how fickle the public are, Harley," he sighed. "After all I've done for them, and they'll still turn on me. Bunch of ingrates. I give them smiles and laughter, but the moment a newer, flashier Joker comes along, they'll forget all about me."
"I could never forget about you, puddin'…"
He smiled. "Harley, c'mere," he murmured.
She approached him and he tilted her chin up gently. "You're a sweet kid, Harley, but the day I even remotely begin to care what you think is gonna be a cold day in hell. Now get your worthless ass out there and bring me Harker!" he shouted, kicking her out of the warehouse and slamming the door.
Harley sighed, picking herself up and rubbing her bottom. Then she went over to a payphone and put in a few coins. "Hello? Yeah, it's me. It's time."
She hung up the phone and waited, checking her watch from time to time. A moment later, a car drove up, and a man in a batsuit climbed out. "You sure you wanna do this?" asked Harley.
He nodded, and said in the same, gravelly voice, "Eddie's had fantastic results completely inhabiting his character, so I think it's best that I completely inhabit mine."
"And you sure you wanna use that voice?" asked Harley gently.
"What's wrong with it?" he asked.
"Nothing, it's just…nothing," sighed Harley. "Now here's a few tips for you, junior, seeing as you ain't the real deal. Don't let Mr. J reach for anything, but use your own utility belt to your advantage. You're also superior in terms of strength – if you've got him on the ground, don't be afraid to beat him until he's unconscious. That's what Bats normally does. I know it ain't fair, and I know it don't seem right, but killing Eddie just because he wants to play him ain't right either. Take him out as quickly as you can, and don't use the voice, or he'll know you ain't the real Bats. And I really, really hope this works," she sighed as the actor playing Batman headed toward the warehouse.
The Joker was whistling happily to himself when he was suddenly struck a blow to the back of the head, smashing his face into the wall. "What the…" he said, cupping his bloody nose and turning around to see Batman standing there.
"Batsy, what the hell?" he demanded, angrily. "You can't just sneak up on a guy and…"
Batman kicked Joker suddenly in the groin, making him fall to the ground. "Oh…ok…wow…" gasped Joker. "Well…if you're gonna fight dirty, so am I!" he snapped, reaching for his gun.
Batman seized the gun from his hand, punching him again. Joker kicked upward suddenly, hitting Batman in the groin, who started back, gasping in pain.
"Told you I was gonna fight dirty!" he snapped. "And don't you normally have protection there?"
"Yeah…I'm not wearing hockey pads," gasped Batman.
Joker stared at him, puzzled not just by the statement, but by the voice. "…what?" he demanded. "Who the hell are you?!"
"I'm Batman!"
"No, you ain't!"
"But I am," said a voice, and Joker felt a pair of handcuffs clamp down on his wrists.
He turned to glare at the real Batman standing behind him. "How long have you been there?" he demanded.
"Long enough to see you get kicked in the crotch," retorted Batman. "Made me smile, actually."
"Oh…wow, you really don't sound like that," said the actor, gazing at Batman in awe.
"No. But unlike the Joker, I'm not sensitive to any particular portrayals of me," retorted Batman. "I'm flattered that people want to imitate me in a safe, fictional environment, and I think each new version just adds to the mystery and dignity of my character."
He grabbed Joker by the wrists and led him away. He paused at the door and then added, "Except for the Bat-nipples. That was just wrong."
"Oh, yeah, whoever thought of that shoulda been shot," agreed Joker, shaking his head. "Crazy, I tell ya. Absolutely nuts."