Hi guys.
I know, it's been aged since I last posted something but life has been quite hectic lately with my new job and I work nearly 50 hours a week. I never stopped writing but find it really hard to find the time. Anyway, here's a one shot that picks up after the episode caretaker. Hope you'll like it.
Caretaker
"Last night I put Noah to bed, kissed him goodnight and I stood there, watching him sleep... for two hours."
Liv was emotional, Amanda was emotional, the whole team was in an emotional shock from their last case; a case involving the murder of two young children and their dad, killed by their own mother who genuinely thought she was rescuing them from their future hardship, despair and sorrow later on in life. How a mother, or anyone for that matter, could so ruthlessly stab a child to death was beyond both Olivia and Amanda. Since they both had children they just simply did not understand what could drive a mother to do such a terrible and unspeakable act such as killing your own flesh and blood, your own miraculous creation; you own family.
There were tears visible in Olivia's eyes but she did not shed them, afraid that if she started she wouldn't be able to stop. Amanda was afraid of the exact same thing but still couldn't keep the tears at bay, no matter how hard she fought, and several of them slowly trickled down her cheeks. "I did the same thing." she confessed, suddenly feeling out of breath as a faint gasp escaped her tight throat.
Without further thought, Olivia stepped forward, opened her arms and gathered the smaller woman in for an embrace, cradling her tightly against her front, trying to somehow generate enough comfort and calm for the two of them in one single hug. It didn't really work as both women were feeling just as upset when they finally let go of one another, both secretly missing the warmth and closeness of the other woman, a craving for more physical contact.
Olivia noticed how sad and defeated Amanda looked, matching the way she felt herself. "I guess we're both a little emotional right now. This case really got to me and I know you feel the same way. I'm here if you want to talk."
The softness and sincerity in Olivia's voice didn't help the matter, causing Amanda's bottom lip to quiver like a child's who had their favourite toy suddenly taken away from them or fallen onto the hard ground and scraped their knee. She wanted to tell Olivia that it goes both ways, that the she could always talk to Amanda too, but no words came out of her mouth, she wasn't even going to make an attempt to create a sentence when she knew fully well that she would, more than likely, start to bawl her eyes out.
Liv frowned in deep concern when she noticed the fragile look on her young detective's face, watching how she struggled with the inevitable onslaught of raw emotions. "Hey." she whispered in such a tender fashion that it caused Amanda's heart to flutter and a tsunami of tears started to wash down her pink flushed cheeks. So much for trying to keep herself in check.
"Hey, hey, hey, sweetheart! What's going on?" Liv murmured as she once again pulled the smaller woman close to her chest, ducking her head slightly to get a glimpse of Amanda's face, wanting to know what was wrong. "Come on, let's sit down on the couch and you can tell me what's going on inside your head. Is it the case or is it something else that has been bothering you?"
Amanda took a seat in the corner of the sofa inside Olivia's office, as far out on the cushion as she could get, ready to bolt and run away if things suddenly got too much for her to handle. Crying in front of people was simply something she didn't do and she silently cursed herself for doing just that.
"Talk to me, honey. Maybe I can help." Olivia had taken a seat right next to her, very close, a bit too close for Amanda but surprisingly enough she allowed herself to relax and accept the close proximity.
A shuddering breath escaped as she felt a set of warm hands cover her own in a firm grasp, slightly embarrassed that she had reacted in such a way from such a simple physical gesture. She didn't trust her voice as her throat was clogged with pent up emotions and words were unlikely to form even if she were to force them out. She swallowed repeatedly, hoping that the growing lump would somehow decrease in size and eventually disappear completely, but the action only caused her to choke up and involuntary let out a whimper that she immediately wished she could take back as it sounded so pitiful, so fragile, so pathetic.
"Oh, Amanda! Shhhh, it's okay, you don't have to talk if you feel like you can't. Just know that I'm here, honey, right here."
Warm, strong arms circled around her waist and she was gently being pulled into the most nurturing and caring embrace she had ever experienced and she found herself mercifully sinking into it, engulfed in warmth, safety and tenderness. Her new favourite place to be, without a doubt.
Time passed but Amanda had completely lost track of exactly how much time had gone by since she had unwillingly surrendered all her dignity and pride in front of her friend and boss. It was not until Olivia placed a gentle kiss on her soft golden crown that she stirred and abruptly pulled back as shame and embarrassment filled her whole being, her face turning from a slightly flushed pink to a crimson red in just a few seconds.
"I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have acted like I did. That was very unprofessional of me and it won't ha..."
"Amanda..." Liv interrupted, her tone was firm but it never lost it's softness. "...never apologize for this. Never be ashamed for what you're feeling. This case got to all of us and there's no right or wrong way to be or how to cope or deal with things that we never imagined we would ever experience. The police academy didn't teach us how to deal with scenarios and situations like these, it didn't prepare us for the horror, the brutality and the aftermath of cases as horrific as this one. Frankly, nothing or no one could ever prepare you for this. It's okay to be shaken, to be angry, to be upset and cry. You do what you need to do."
The last sentence was spoken in a whisper, a barely audible statement that caused Amanda to turn her head in wonder and frown at her friend. "And what do you need to do?" she questioned. "How do you cope? I don't see you breaking down and cry your eyes out. What is it that you need to do?"
Olivia just smiled sadly and tilted her head to the side a little bit, gracing her knuckles down one of Amanda's wet cheeks. "I need to make sure that you're okay. Making sure that you and all of the team is alright,- that is how I cope. Caring for others is my coping mechanism and it always seems to work for me. It keeps my mind busy and it helps me process everything while I try to help someone else to process and deal with their thoughts and feelings."
"I don't understand you sometimes. How can you be so damn perfect and so... so composed all the time? I... I wish I..."
"You wish what, sweetheart? You can tell me." Liv gently encouraged while running her fingers through golden tresses, waiting for the younger woman to open up.
Amanda looked down, her gaze focused on a miniscule stain on the rug underneath Olivia's coffee table. "I wish I could be more like you. I wish I wasn't the person that wallowed in their own misery just because life sucks from time to time. I feel... I feel so inadequate and useless."
"Hey!" Liv scolded gently. "Don't ever put yourself down like that, you hear me? You are enough, Amanda, and I wouldn't want you to be any other way. It shows that you care, that you care about the case, that you care about the victim and their families. If you weren't upset or affected by this case at all, then I would be worried." Liv turned in her seat, locking eyes with Amanda, her heart clenching as she spotted new tears brimming. "You are an amazing person, an amazing detective and an amazing mother. Do not think any less of yourself because you're affected by a case that lies close to your heart, honey."
Olivia's words sunk in but it was still hard to accept the situation she was currently in. She knew Olivia was affected by the case just as much as she but she had set such high standards for herself, raised the bar too high and was now struggling to reach it and it felt like she had landed with a splat.
"I'm just so tired." The blonde mumbled between tears, her red rimmed eyes drooping and her body slowly began to sink into Olivia's, feeling strong arms wrap around her again, pulling her close.
"Let me take you home, honey. I'll even stay for a while." She offered, her lips grazing flaxen strands as she spoke in a whisper.
"You don't have to do that. I know you want to get home to Noah. Thank you but I'll be fine." She reluctantly squirmed her way out of Liv's comforting embrace and got to her feet, her pregnant belly suddenly feeling heavier than ever before.
Olivia didn't like the idea of leaving Amanda on her own after the day's events and, to be honest, she wasn't very keen on spending what was left of the evening by herself. "Why don't I drive you home so you can pack a bag for yourself and Jessie, I'll take you to my place and you could both stay the night. I know Noah will be happy to see Jessie and I could sure use some grown up company for a change. There's only so much you can talk to a six year old about."
Amanda's first instinct was to say no but something held her back and she hesitated. If Liv had asked her the very same question a month, a week, or even twenty four hours ago, she would've declined but today, right now, was different. Maybe it was the case they had just closed that played on her emotions, ripping her insides apart from anger as she thought about how a mother could so cold heartedly murder her two children in their sleep without hesitation. Right now she couldn't find any reason to decline Liv's offer and she was too tired to quickly make one up. "Okay." She replied softly, her mind suddenly relaxing somewhat, realizing that she won't have to spend the evening alone.
The kids were so happy to see each other and got permission from both of their separate parents to stay up an hour later than usual to play. Liv had made up the fold out guest bed for Jessie to sleep on and offered Amanda her own bed and she, herself, would take the couch. "There's no way I'm kicking you out of your own bed. I'll take the couch."
Olivia sighed while she slowly approached the heavily pregnant woman and placed a hand on the protruding stomach in front of her. "This, right here, is the reason to why you're taking the bed. You need proper rest, honey, and so does the baby. This is not up for discussion, you hear me?"
Too tired to argue, Amanda agreed but on one condition. "We're both adults and in need of a good night's sleep so why don't we both sleep in the bed? It's big enough for the two of us. I just don't feel right about making you sleep on the couch."
Liv smiled. "You're not making me do anything but I do believe you're right, the bed is big enough for the two of us and we can both get some much needed sleep. Pick a side, I'm not fussy."
The cool sheets on the bed felt soothing against Amanda's skin and she sighed as she stretched out, her feet and back sore from standing the majority of the day at the precinct. It felt nice to just lay there and do nothing for a couple of minutes while she waited for Olivia to finish in the bathroom. It did feel somewhat strange to be laying in her boss' bed, dressed in a tank top and sleeping shorts but the brunette had offered her the bed from the start and she had just been kind and asked Liv to share. It would seem more strange if she retracted her proposition and have Liv sleep on the couch, besides, she didn't want that. There was a gnawing feeling in her chest that she couldn't quite identify. It was somewhat of a melancholy feeling mixed with, what she suddenly realized, was loneliness. She was and felt lonely and the realisation hit her hard and sudden, causing her chest to seize and tighten and her eyes to well up with tears, for what seemed like the fiftieth time that day.
She was lost in her sad bubble until a voice brought her back to reality. "Hey, honey, what's wrong?" Liv gazed at her tentatively while sliding under the covers, leaving a good few inches between them, not sure if Amanda wanted to be close or not.
Quickly, she wiped at her eyes with slightly shaky hands, berating herself for getting too absorbed in her own vulnerability that she hadn't heard Olivia enter the room. There was no point sugar coating things now. The tears had already spoken and the older woman knew something was up. Amanda knew that whatever lie she would come up with wouldn't be good enough for her boss to believe. The truth was now inevitable. "I... I feel lonely." She whispered silently, hoping that the brunette had heard her and wouldn't have to repeat herself.
She cringed at the words as they came out of her mouth, hating herself for how weak and pathetic she must've sounded to Olivia, because in her own ears, she mentally flinched as she said the words out loud, blushing at the confession.
Liv frowned at the comment and had to stop herself from asking; 'How can you feel lonely when I'm right here?' Because she quickly realized that Amanda wasn't talking about the present situation or circumstances but a feeling she obviously had in general and it saddened her to the point that her own eyes welled up with tears but quickly pushed her own emotions aside. This was about Amanda, not about herself. The Lieutenant scooted closer and covered a flushed cheek with her own warm hand, stroking her thumb over delicate skin just beneath her eye. "I promise you that, as long as I'm around, you'll never be lonely. I'm right here, sweetheart, and I'll always be here for whatever you need. Always."
Like a small child, Amanda curled herself into a ball and snuggled into the warm body next to her, feeling strong soothing arms pull her close and a loving kiss was placed on top of her head before she began to weep once again. "I'm sorry." She whispered between soft sobs, a shuddering breath tickling Olivia's neck.
"Oh, sweetie!" she cooed and pulled the younger woman away from her and once again cupping her face, stroking her cheeks. "Never apologize for crying. It's okay, I've got you."
The moment was so tender, so overwhelmingly emotional that Olivia couldn't stop herself from gently kissing Amanda's forehead several times before moving her lips down to her wet cheeks, tasting the salty skin and finally captured a pink plump mouth, caressing her lips against Amanda's. The need to show Amanda that she wasn't alone and that she was right by her side was the only thing on her mind and there was nothing she wouldn't do for her friend. When the blonde let out another sob against Olivia's lips, the brunette pulled away.
"Hey, hey, sweetheart. It's okay, I just want to make you feel good." She whispered, again kissing Amanda's lips, feeling the smaller woman reciprocate and lean into her. "I just want to kiss you and hold you. You're not alone, honey, you're never alone."