Vignette 10

Snow drifted against the front windows and Julia was very glad to be in Toronto and inside her home today. She held the mug of hot, fragrant tea tightly in her hands and wrapped her shawl even tighter. She left the lake house none too soon; as much as she wished to, waiting any longer would have been a mistake. A day ago the roads were clear and the weather fine but cold, and her meeting with the administrator and board at the asylum went better than she expected. She had been right in believing that she would only regain her position with a face to face intercession. The conversation yesterday was difficult but necessary, and afforded her the opportunity to clear up some lingering misconceptions and correct the record, and she thought overall she advocated very well for herself. It was going to be a fight, but one she thought she would ultimately win no matter how long it took.

She was discovering her way slowly since being back in town and on her own for the last two weeks. Her father even offered to send Mrs Hastings to her but she declined, still needing some distance and solitude. Julia found she did miss Kate Ripley -and, of all things, the dog! She promised Kate she would continue the therapy the two of them started together, using journaling and a process of questioning her irrational thoughts, and that she would not give up on her strategies to keep the horrid memories at bay.

"Going through this process is going to make me a better psychiatrist," she told Kate numerous times. "This is hard work!" Julia rebuked herself for ever underestimating what a patient experienced in therapy. She had in fact taken up each of the suggestions she and Kate worked out together—save one.

William had already sent a welcome-home present—not conventional flowers, fruit or food, but all the copies of her favorite journals and papers that she missed for the months while she was in jail or at the lake. The note said only: "Thought you might enjoy these - W." It was of course extremely thoughtful and just perfectly what she had wanted to read, and only William would think of it….but she could not bring herself yet to even thank him, and certainly not see him. He also did not ask to see me, she noticed. Then again, I did tell him to go away and that I would be the one to initiate contact again.

Julia sighed and recalled her last days at the lake house. Kate had maneuvered her into starting to deal with her grief and guilt about Darcy… and William. She and William had argued about her marriage and divorce, one of the biggest disagreements they had ever had, (certainly the loudest), yelling at each other in public, right before Darcy's death.

"At least, for once, we got an issue out into the open and talked about it, rather than keeping the feelings in," she said to Kate in a frustrated moment. After thoroughly searching her mind, she did have to own that she was the one who made the decision to leave for Buffalo, accept Darcy's proposal and get married without ever explaining any of it to William. Deeper still were her feelings for and about William, starting with her anger with him for not immediately trusting her when she said that she did not harm Darcy. Telling all of this to Kate was cathartic, as well as excruciatingly painful.

There was a sense of betrayal in all of that which needed healing. It was not the first time William accused her of something, or at least asked her to explain her behaviors. It was not going to be the last, she imagined. It is just the way his mind works, he needs answers, seeks truth no matter the cost…He always needs to think things through… Coming to that conclusion was an exhausting struggle.

"Kate, I had to swear to the truth under oath. I had to say, out loud, that I did love Darcy, at least at one time, with William looking right at me…it was very difficult to admit that."

"Did he seem angry?" Kate had asked.

"No, actually, he did not." She was not sure why that bothered her.

She also told Kate how William reacted when she declared her innocence on the witness stand. She played that moment over and over in her mind, not understanding what to make of it. "Did he really not truly believe me until I testified, knowing I would not lie under oath, even to save my life?" she asked Kate – who had the good sense not to try to answer. "He had actually suggestedI lie! William, of all people! You cannot possibly understand how shocking that was for me to hear!..."

Kate let her weep and rage and vent and wring her hands until no more tears came. All emotions are by definition irrational, Kate reminded her. Julia had to resolve the internal conflict of that awareness with the truth of how she felt. She had to work through anger with William for being Gillies' target and for his failure to move forward in their relationship. "All those wasted years!" she cried. Kate had waited her out and only then chided her that she had been dictating the terms of the relationship almost from the beginning.

Just like now, I suppose.

Kate helped her with the very uncomfortable insight that there were times when she reacted to William as if he was her father, feeling defensive or defiant and angry, like she was being challenged or not measuring up. She and Kate laughed at what Herr Doktor Freud would make of that. "My father is cold and distant; William is neither. William is also capable of changing his mind—Father is implacable. But I have distanced myself from William on more than one occasion…just like I do with Father." Kate had no response to that.

Julia looked at her empty tea mug, and the white knuckles on her hands that gripped it so tightly. She released her fingers one at a time and sighed. Kate had eventually asked her what the attraction to William was and if she was still in love with him.

Her feelings had leapt up immediately, but she was unable to answer right away—it took about three days in fact to gather her thoughts in any coherent manner. Julia started by explaining how they met and worked together, how William arranged their first (uninterrupted) date, and the powerful physical attraction that matches the intellectual one.

Julia smiled at the remembrance, especially their first kisses, but sobered quickly as another darker recollection asserted itself. She spoke slowly and hesitatingly. "Kate, did you know I actually did kill a man once?"

Kate, who normally displayed few unplanned reactions, froze momentarily with her eyes wide. Julia acknowledged the surprise and continued: "He was what we call a sequential killer—murdered dozens of women and came after me. I…stabbed him with scissors when he tried to attack me. After that happened, I was drawn to William for comfort, just wanted to be held by him, felt safe with him…and this was before acknowledging any relationship between us at all…I don't know why I am telling you this—but you asked me what the attraction is, and that is part of it…" Julia shook her head and refocused, then shrugged off the difficult memory.

"My sister thinks William is interesting perhaps, but stiff and dull. So what do I like about him you ask? I think he is anything but, although he can be reserved and so very proper that it is amusing to poke at him for that." She sighed contentedly. "Oh, but when he laughs it transforms him." Julia started smiling, and speaking more energetically, eyes focused in a middle distance. "He has a fine mind, and broad scope of interests, is exceptionally well-read and almost completely self- taught. He treats me as an equal which is refreshing in an otherwise proud, socially- conventional man. We can talk about chemistry and science… literature and music… He is logical, rather brilliant and no one solves a puzzle as well as he…the way his brain works is fascinating...

"When he puts his mind to an idea he gets extraordinary results. You should see him when he is working out a problem or inventing something…like a boy full of youthful enthusiasm. I swear in school he must have been that lad that always had his hand up with the answer." She frowned. "Of course then there are times when he is breathtakingly obtuse and frustrating in the extreme. We argue! It is never smooth with him, which is what makes it so interesting I suppose...

"I, er... find him quite handsome, with the most extraordinary eyes and beautiful hands. When I am with him I am usually exhilarated… Still, it is more than his physique or his face, or even his mind…."

"Have you acted on your attraction? Are you and he intimate?" At this point in their conversations there was no room for secrets.

Julia hesitated anyways. "No. I stopped us on our very first date, if you can believe that," she laughed sadly, "One of his best points is that William is always a gentleman. I don't think it was his intention to seduce me. In fact, I made the first move to kiss him….quite forward of me, I know." Julia blushed. "I certainly wanted him to make love to me and I know he would have if I permitted…the feeling was indescribable with him."

"And then you stopped what you started. Why?"

"I gave him an excuse." She made an exasperated noise. "At this point, I really have no idea why. I suppose I got frightened at how quickly we were swept up. He is Roman Catholic, of all things…they are very strict about relations outside of marriage. Perhaps I was afraid he would have regrets because we had been drinking, or more likely, if I were to be completely honest...that I was not ready to make a commitment right then….. If we had just had a little more time before other events stepped in..." Julia allowed her mind to wander.

She looked seriously at Kate. "You know, I think there is a theory about decisions we make. Each one opens an alternative future. If William and I had… consummated our relationship then, I have come to believe so much of what has happened since would never have occurred. When I think of all the pain and trouble, I cannot help but regret my decision…for so many reasons. Even Darcy's death…" Julia gestured helplessly. "I suppose some other evil would still exist…"

"As for the attraction to William, I cannot explain it—nothing I have said to you can really encompasses it. I would almost say it is his… soul that draws me in. Isn't that ridiculous, especially coming from me?" Julia had admitted this with what she knew had to be an astonished look on her own face. "Do you believe in fate? It's just that I believed we were meant to be together if only we could figure out how….and I don't know what I believe now." She bypassed answering if she was still in love with William. That was like asking if I still needed air.

"Julia," Kate had said, "so if being with him makes you happy, do you suppose there is a relationship between how you are feeling now and that fact he is nowhere in your life? You have a second chance and are denying it. Why do you suppose you have done that?" At that, Kate called for Tari, put her on the leash and took a very long walk on the beach, leaving Julia alone and irritated with Kate for that question which was left hanging, unanswered.