Tom's Rhinoplasty

(A/N: Since the next episode was originally 'Damien', I thought I'd skip it and go in chronological order. Since Cartman's birthday is July 1st, 'Damien will take place before the Summer Holiday episode on the Second Season... I think... Thank you. ^_^)

Eleanor Carter's POV.

It's quiet in school today. The entire third grade was waiting for Mr. Garrison to show up, so we can start the class. Since it's almost Valentine's Day, we should be planning something for the day.

Wendy looked over to Stan, "Stan, you know it's almost Valentines day..."

Stan nodded, "I know."

"Maybe we should go on a cruise or something." She suggested.

Stan quickly shook his head, "I can't afford a cruise, dude!"

"I know." Wendy nodded, then added sweetly, "But we could make a little boat out of cardboard, and pretend it's a cruise!"

Cartman overheard and burst into a hysterical fit of laughter.

"Shut up Cartman!" Stan shouted.

Cartman continued to laugh, but was able to say, "That is so lame!" He was able to calm himself down eventually.

Wendy continued, "And then we could dress up in little costumes and pretend like we're getting married."

Cartman burst into hysterical laughter again and ended up falling off his desk, "Stop, seriously. You're killing me over here."

He calmed and climbed back to his desk. Principal Victoria arrived to the front of the class.

"Children, I have some difficult news for you... Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for a while. He has to have surgery." She announced to the class.

The children cheered, as Principal Victoria continued, "So you're going to have a substitute teacher."

And the cheering stopped and morphed into frowns and moans.

"And I want you to show the substitute the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison..." Principal Victoria continued. Kyle raised his hand, "Yes, little boy?"

"We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison." He told her flatly.

She stood there and uttered, "Oh." Then resumed, "Anywho, I want you all to meet your new substitute... Ms. Ellen."

The substitute, Ms. Ellen entered the classroom and smiled at us, "Hello, children."

Ms. Ellen was a young woman of late 20's to early 30's. She had short ravenette hair and matching dark eyes. She wore a dark blue cardigan over a lighter blue collared shirt. Dark grey skirt and black sandals.

She was quite beautiful.

"Whoa..." Stan and Kyle gasped.

"Wow, she's pretty!" Cartman smiled.

"(God, I want to get a piece of her.)" Kenny muffled with a smile in his tone.

Stan nodded, "You can say that again!"

Kenny repeated, "(God, I want to get a piece of her.)"

Principal Victoria made her way out the classroom, "Good Luck, Ms. Ellen. If they get out of control just use this tear gas, okay?"

She put a canister of tear gas on the desk, then exit the room.

"Thank you, I'm sure I'll be fine." Ms. Ellen assured.

The boys stared at Ms. Ellen. Bashful smiles grew on their faces.

"Now, children, I know that you must be very upset about your teacher having surgery... But I promise I'll try to make things as easy as possible for all of us." The new substitute assured the class.

The boys continued to stare at Ms. Ellen, enthralled by her beauty. Wendy noticed Stan's expression and gasped in worry.

"Stan? Stan?" She called him.

Stan remained focused on the substitute teacher.

Ms. Ellen grabbed a clipboard with a piece of paper on it, "Now, let me try and learn your names by your seating assignments." She read the paper and looked at Cartman, "You are... Eric Cartman?"

Cartman nodded, "Yes ma'am!"

She looked at the paper again, "Okay..." Then turned to Stan, "And you must be Stan Marsh!"

Stan vomited a small puddle over his desk. Wendy's eyes widen in shock and disbelief.

"Do you need to go to the nurse's office, Stanley?" Ms. Ellen asked in concern.

Cartman shook his head, "No, he always pukes when he's in love."

"I'll kick your ass, Cartman!" Stan shouted at him.

"So you're alright?" Ms. Ellen asked.

Stan puked again. Wendy sulked.

Kyle looked over Stan's barf puddle and noticed, "Dude, you had waffles for breakfast, huh?"

With that, Ms. Ellen resumed learning everyone's names via their sitting assignments. Of course when she turned to me, she asked about the black bruises around my eyes. Sam explained I have trouble sleeping and that it was nothing to worry about.

Come recess and the boys were arguing about who she was looking at the most during the first class.

"She wasn't looking at you, ButtLord! She was looking at me!" Cartman argued.

"Well that goes without saying, Fat-ass!" Kyle pointed out, "How could she help but look at you?"

"You guys can stop fighting, it was me she was checking out." Stan argued.

"Until you puked on her." Cartman added.

Sam and I rolled our eyes. Boys... Then Chef joined us.

"Hello there, children." He greeted.

"Hey, Chef." Sam and I greeted.

"What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?" Chef asked us.

"Ms. Ellen, dude." Kyle answered, "She's beautiful!"

I sensed something cold in the air. I looked over and saw Wendy sitting on the swing-set, next to her friend Bebe. Wendy was sulking, and Bebe was looking at her with pity.

"Is she like, Vanessa Williams beautiful or Toni Braxton beautiful?" Chef asked.

The boys looked at each other in thought, as Chef continued, "Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? Or is she Erin Grey in the second season of Buck Rodgers beautiful?"

"She's Halle Berry beautiful, but Caucasian." I answered.

"Car-What?" Sam asked me.

"White-skinned." I translated.

Stan pointed at me and nodded, "Yeah, that one!"

Chef gasped, "Whoo! I gotta meet this woman!"

Wendy jumped off the swing-set and walked over to Stan, "Stan. Didn't you notice how her left arm is longer than the right one?"

Stan shook his head, "No."

"Well it is!" She exclaimed.

"That's okay. You know what they say about women with one arm longer than the other..." Chef spoke up.

Kenny nodded, "(Yeah. They can always finger their pussy.)"

Chef nodded, "That's right!"

Sam gave Kenny a disgusted look, "Kenny! Gross!"

Kenny shrugged, "(What?)"

"Well did you notice that mole on the back of her neck with the hair growing out of it?" Wendy asked.

Chef assured, "That's okay, you know what they say about women with a mole on the back of their necks with hair growing out of it..."

He looked at Kenny. Kenny just shrugged in confusion.

"Stan, we're still valentines, right?" Wendy asked in desperation.

Stan nodded, "Sure, Wendy, whatever."

Then Kyle spoke up, "Hey! We should buy Ms. Ellen Valentine's day presents!"

Stan nodded with a smile, "Yeah! We'll go to the mall tonight!"

Then the boys walked off. Cartman spoke up, "I'm going to buy a vacuum cleaner. Chicks love vacuum cleaners."

Recess was over and everyone returned to class. Ms. Ellen was writing multiplications on the chalk board, then noticed the erasers were full of chalk.

"Oh, goodness." She sighed, then turned to the class, "Would anybody mind cleaning my erasers after class?"

The boys shot their hands up with Cartman calling, "Me, me, me, me!"

Bebe glared at the boys, "You guys are so immature! Act like eight year olds!"

Ms. Ellen looked at Stan, "Stan, how about you?"

Stan vomited over his desk, then answered, "I'd love to!"

Wendy's sad expression turned to anger and jealousy. Uh oh.

Then Ms. Ellen looked at the rest of the class, "Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables."

Cartman raised his hand. Ms. Ellen looked at him, "Cartman?"

"What's a multiplication table?" He asked.

"Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication?" Ms. Ellen asked in shock.

Some of the students shook their heads.

"Well, where did he leave off?" She asked.

Cartman answered, "We were learning about how Yasmine Bleeth was going out with that Richard Greico guy that used to be on '21 Jump Street', but then he got his own show for just a little while."

Ms. Ellen stared in shock, then Chef walked in unannounced. He was holding something in his hand.

Chef waved, "Oh, hello!"

Ms. Ellen looked at him and asked, "Can I help you?"

"I'm Chef..." Chef introduced in a suave tone.

Ms. Ellen tilted her head, "And?"

"I just, uh..." Chef drew a blank, then showed a box of Whitey's Washing Detergent, "I stopped by 'cause little Kyle forgot his laundry detergent on the playground."

The boys looked at Chef in confusion.

"My laundry detergent?" Kyle repeated.

"That's not Kyle's lau-" Stan was about to argue, then Chef 'shush'ed him and put the detergent on Kyle's desk, "Crazy crackers are always leaving their detergent all over the place."

Then Chef turned his attention back to Ms. Ellen, "What was your name again?"

"Uh-oh. Chef's movin' in on Ms. Ellen!" Cartman whispered.

"I'm the substitute." Ms. Ellen introduced herself.

Chef smiled, "Well, I'm sure there's no substitute for you."

Ms. Ellen smiled, "That's very nice, Mr. Chef. Now if you're finished-"

But, of course, Chef broke into song,

"Nobody could take your place,

No way they could match your face 'no,

You got it goin on in a way so clear...

I just wanna buy you a beer-

Or maybe tonight at seven thirty or something I could come by and pick you up in my car...

(No Substitute) No substitute for you,

(No substitute) No baby there's... (No substitute) for you girl (No substitute) for you now.

You know that it's true, (No substitute)

There's just no substitute for you."

"We have GOT to learn how to do this, dude." Stan spoke up.

Kyle nodded, "Yup."

"That was enthralling, Mr. Chef." Ms. Ellen thanked, "But, could I get back to teaching now?"

"If we can have dinner tonight." Chef offered.

Ms. Ellen nodded, "Fine, Chef, just let me do my job before I get fired."

"Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet love to Ms. Ellen!" Cartman exclaimed.

Ms. Ellen heard him and exclaimed, "What!?"

After a little explanation, we returned to our lesson of multiplication. The school bell rang and the kids all started filing out.

"Okay, kids remember your homework. We have a lot of catching up to do!" Ms. Ellen told us as we left.

"Goodbye, Ms. Ellen!" Cartman farewelled in a sweet tone.

"Stop kissing ass, Cartman!" Kyle shouted.

"I'm not kissing ass, you stupid slut!" Cartman argued.

All the other boys said their goodbyes to Ms. Ellen. Wendy was the last to leave. Something told me to stay behind and listen.

"Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?" Wendy asked Ms. Ellen.

Ms. Ellen nodded, "Of course, Wendy."

Wendy sat on the little chair next to the Teacher's Desk. Sam came back to me.

"What's up, Ellie?" She asked.

"I sense danger." I answered.

Sam rolled her eyes, "Oh no, not this again."

"I couldn't help but notice you taking a liking to my boyfriend Stan." Wendy told Ms. Ellen.

Ms. Ellen softly chuckled, "Oh... Well I've taken a liking to all of you! You're all so young and cute and full of life!"

"Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?" Wendy asked.

Ms. Ellen nodded, "Of course, Wendy."

Wendy looked at the substitute teacher eye-to-eye and shouted, "Don't! Fuck! With! Me!"

Sam and Ms. Ellen gasped with their mouths wide open, "What?"

"You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I'll whup you're sorry Ho ass back to last year!" Wendy warned her. Then she hopped off the chair and sweetly farewelled, "Bye, Ms. Ellen!"

I looked at Sam, who was still shocked of Wendy's words, "Still think I'm crazy?"

*The Next Day...*

Today was Valentine's Day. And everyone brought gifts for Ms. Ellen. Well... Mostly the boys. Ms. Ellen sat at her desk, surrounded by gift wrapped boxes.

Ms. Ellen smiled at the boys, "Well, I certainly want to thank you all you lovely children for the presents you bought me..."

The boys glowed in admiration. Ms. Ellen opened the first present, which was wrapped in red paper and silver ribbon. She gasped and smiled, "Oh! What a delightful scarf! Thank you, Kyle!"

Kyle smiled quite smug.

"Loser-gift. Loser-gift." Stan commented between fake coughs.

Ms. Ellen grabbed another wrapped in red paper and silver ribbon, "And here's one from Kenny..." She opened it and smiled, "Oh, thank you very much, Kenny, this is a very scrumptious looking sausage."

Kenny softly giggled.

She opened a tall present, wrapped in purple and silver ribbon, and smiled, "Oh, and what a nice alarm clock! Thank you Stan!"

Stan vomited over his desk again. Wendy thumped a fist on her desk in anger.

Ms. Ellen grabbed another present. It was wrapped in black paper and red ribbon, "And here's another present... From Wendy!"

She opened the present and gasped, "Oh, why it's a dead animal. Thank you Wendy!"

Wendy gritted her teeth in fury. Ms. Ellen put the dead rabbit under her desk.

"See? She liked my present the best!" Stan spoke up.

Kyle looked at Cartman, "Where's your present, Cartman?"

"Oh well, I got Ms. Ellen a chocolate pie, but I left it at home." Cartman answered innocently.

I gave him a deadpan look, "You ate it, didn't you?"

Cartman looked at me quickly, "No!"

"Then why is there chocolate on your chin?" I asked, pointing to the left side of my chin.

Cartman quickly wiped the brown stain, "It's not chocolate! It's mud! I fell down in my backyard yesterday."

I rolled my eyes and looked back at the chalk board.

"Okay, kids, we're going to take a spelling test now." Ms. Ellen told everyone.

Everyone moaned and groaned.

"But, as an extra incentive, I'm gonna take whoever gets the highest score on the quiz out to dinner!" She added with a small smile.

The boys' faces lit up in a second.

Cartman exclaimed, "Oh, man! I wish I knew how to spell!"

"Are there any questions before we begin?" Ms. Ellen asked. Wendy raised her hand, "Yes, Wendy?"

"When someone gets as old as you, do they have to wear depends undergarments?" Wendy asked.

Ms. Ellen went silent in shock.

*A Little Later, in the Cafeteria...*

The boys, Sam and I were waiting in line, to grab some lunch. The boys were talking about the spelling test.

"Dude, I aced that test! I'm gonna win that dinner with Ms. Ellen!" Kyle spoke up.

Stan shook his head, "No you're not, I don't think I missed any!"

Then Wendy showed up with Bebe, and a lunch tray in her hands, "Hi, Stan."

However Stan didn't hear her and added, "I bet I scored a hundred!"

"HI, STAN!" She yelled.

The boys turned to her. "Oh, hi Wendy." Stan greeted.

"I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. Ellen was in there taking the biggest dump I've ever seen." Wendy told us.

"No, she wasn't!" Kyle argued.

"Yes, she was!" Wendy shouted.

Stan shook his head, "That's impossible."

"Well, she did." She argued, then added, "And she has horrible, horrible gas, too. She says she can't control it."

Cartman shook his head, "Nuh-uh."

Wendy nodded and continued, "It smelled like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun."

Kyle smiled, "Oh, cool!"

I decided to speak up, "Alright, Wendy. You need to calm down from this jealousy with Ms. Ellen."

Sam nodded, "Yeah. You're starting to act like a freak."

Wendy yelled at the top of her lungs, "NO, I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREAK!" There was silence, then she walked off.

Cartman sighed, "Oh man, someone's got to pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass."

With that, it was our turn to enter the kitchen. Chef was sulking.

"Hello there, children." He greeted in a sad tone.

"Oh hey, Chef." Cartman greeted.

"How did your date with Ms. Ellen go?" Kyle asked.

"Not too good." Chef answered.

"What happened?" I asked in concern.

"Didn't you make sweet love to her?" Stan asked.

Chef quickly shook his head, "No, no! She's not like that." Then he explained, "You see..." He rubbed his chin in thought, "How do I put this?..." Then looked at us again, "Children, Ms. Ellen doesn't exactly play for the right team."

The boys looked at each other in confusion.

"In other words, children... She's not a member of the heterosexual persuasion." Chef tried to simplify.

The boys drew blanks.

"Don't you understand? She's a lesbian!" Chef told us.

Sam smiled, "Oh. That makes perfect sense."

"A what-bian?" Stan asked.

"A plebeian?" Kyle asked.

Chef looked at the boys, "You boys don't know what a lesbian is?"

The boys turned to Kenny, "Kenny?"

Kenny just shrugged his shoulders.

Stan turned Chef, "No. Explain it to us, Chef."

Chef shook his head, "Uhh, that's okay. Uhh..." Then he told us, "Look, all you need to know is, Ms. Ellen's a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians."

"Oh." Stan uttered.

"Now, move along, children. You're holding up the line." Chef told us.

We all took a tray each and walked out of the kitchen.

"Weak, dude. She only likes other lesbians?" Kyle exclaimed.

Then an idea hit Stan, "Hey, man, if she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians too!"

Kyle smiled, "Hey, Yeah!"

Then Cartman spoke up, "You guys, you know what? My grandma was Dutch-Irish and my grandpa was lesbian! That makes me quarter-lesbian!"

"You're just saying that Cartman!" Stan pointed out.

"Yeah, you're not a lesbian, fat ass!" Kyle told him.

"I am too!" Cartman argued.

*Later after School, In Cartman's House...*

Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Sam and I entered Cartman's house, to find Cartman on all-fours and licking the carpet like a cow.

"What the hell are you doing, Cartman?" Stan asked, holding a CD case.

Cartman sat up, "My mom said if you want to become a lesbian you have to lick carpet."

"Really?" Kyle asked.

"Well I got a Indiglo girls CD. The guy at the record store said it was perfect." Stan informed.

He put the CD into the CD player. And Kyle put his new shoes on, "And I got these killer Berkenstocks."

With that, the boys all went on all-fours and started licking the carpet like cows in a barn.

Sam threw her arms in the air, "That's it. I'm out."

She left the house, dragging me with her, by my hoodie, "Ow, ow, ow!"

The last thing I heard, before Sam closed the door, was Cartman shouting, "This is a bunch of crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!"

'Three hours'? Holy shit!

*Later that evening, At Ellie and Sam's house...*

It was quiet at the dinner table. Our mother, Sam and I were eating fish fingers (A/N: Fish sticks if you're American or Canadian), mashed potatoes and peas with sweetcorn.

Mum decided to speak up, "So girls, I heard you have a new substitute teacher."

"Yeah. Her name is Ms. Ellen." Sam answered.

"Is she nice?" Mum asked.

"Nice as she is beautiful." I answered, "She's caught the attention of the boys. It's concerning."

"How so, Ellie?" She asked me.

I put my fork and knife on the plate and looked at Mum.

Of course Sam spoke up, "Ms. Ellen is a lesbian and a girl in our class, Wendy, is crazy-jealous of her."

Mum giggled and assured, "All girls get jealous of their new teacher. She'll get over it. You'll see."

Sam nodded, "You're right, Mom."

I silently shook my head. As far as we know Wendy, she's the type of person that can really hold a grudge and is true to her word. I fear Ms. Ellen is gonna die before she could explain anything to us.

*The Next Morning, At School...*

It was beginning of class and the boys were giddly with excitement.

"I can't wait for Ms. Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am!" Stan smiled.

"I'm a bigger lesbian than you!" Cartman pointed out.

Stan looked over and argued, "No, you're a FATTER lesbian than me."

Kyle shook his head, "Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian!"

Clyde over to the door and gasped, "Whoa! Is that Wendy Testaburger?!"

Everyone turned to the door and saw Wendy walk into class. She was dressed in black leather like Olivia Newton John from Grease. Even her hair was all frizzy and curled. Heavy green eye-shadow, blush and lipstick with a cigarette in her mouth. Thank goodness it wasn't lit.

I rested my head into my arms, over my desk with a heavy sigh.

Wendy walked across the classroom and dropped the cigarette on the floor. Then she looked at the boys, mostly at Stan, "Hi guys. What's up?"

"Wow... Wendy looks just like that chick from grease, Elton John." Cartman gasped, as Wendy walked past him.

"Olivia Newton John." I corrected under my arms.

"That's what I said." Cartman argued with me. So I put my hood over my head.

Wendy took her seat.

Stan smile, "Wow." Then greeted, "Hi, Wendy."

Wendy looked at him and acted casually, "Oh, hi Stan." Then she leaned over and whispered to Bebe, "I think it worked, Bebe!"

Bebe nodded, "Yeah!"

Then Ms. Ellen walked into the class, "Good morning, children!"

The entire class turned to her. Sam tapped my shoulder in a rapid rhythm. I lifted my head and looked at Miss. Ellen. She, too, was wearing a black leather outfit too.

Stan beamed, "Wow!"

I banged my head back into my arms, as Ms. Ellen made her way to the chalkboard and Cartman said, "Damn! Get down!"

Stan nodded, "Yeah!"

Ms. Ellen must have noticed what Wendy was wearing, because she gasped, "Oh, Wendy, you wore black leather, too!"

I felt Wendy's jealousy and anger reach the boiling point.

"We're like sisters!" Ms. Ellen smiled.

"DIE!" Wendy shouted in an explosion of rage and absolute envy.

I lifted my head and looked at the front of the class. Ms. Ellen grabbed a piece of paper, "Alright, kids, I've finished grading your papers. And the person with the highest score is..."

Just then, Mr. Garrison arrived, "Hello there, children!"

He was flashing his new nose job with a confident smile. I can't say I blame him. Mr. Garrison looked like a younger David Hasslehoff from Baywatch. Oh, boy...

Stan sulked, "Oh no, Mr. Garrison's back!"

Cartman sulked as well, "Oh, weak, dude."

However, Wendy smiled, leaped out of her desk, and cartwheeled around the classroom, "Hooray! Hooray! Hooray for Mr. Garrison!" Then she sang, "He's back! He's back! Mr. Garrison is back!" She looked at Ms. Ellen and waved, "So long, Substitute! Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out now!"

"Children, I have a very important announcement to make..." Mr. Garrison spoke up. Wendy calmed down, and he finished, "I'm quitting my job as a teacher."

Wait, what?! Okay, that felt like a bucket of ice-cold water splashed over my head.

Wendy shared the same expression, "What?"

Mr. Garrison explained, "It's strange, but suddenly I feel really confident about myself, and I've decided to quit teaching and do what I've always dreamed of doing... Hang out and screw hot chicks."

The entire classroom gasped at this announcement.

Wendy was lost for words, "You... You can't!"

Mr. Garrison continued, "But the good new is, I've already talked to Principal Victoria about it, and Ms. Ellen can stay on as your permanent teacher!"

Principal Victoria arrived at the doorway. The class cheered.

"Really?" Ms. Ellen gasped.

Principal Victoria nodded, "That's right." Then asked, "Will you stay?"

"Well, sure!" Ms. Ellen answered with a smile.

"NOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO!" Wendy screamed at the top of her lungs.

Then Ms. Ellen remembered, "Oh, by the way kids, the person who scored highest on the quiz and gets to have dinner on me is... Stan!"

Stan vomited over his desk again, then smiled, "Kick ass!"

"NOOOOOOO! NOOOOOO!" Wendy screamed again.

Then Principal Victoria remembered, "Oh, and Wendy I almost forgot. We just got a call in the office, your grandma just died."

With that, Wendy's emotions exploded and she screamed at the top of her lungs.

Principal Victoria smiled, "Oh my! What an exciting day!"

I hit my head over my desk again.

*The Next Morning...*

The school bell rang to indicate it was time for class. The entire class were getting to their seats. Last night was a nightmare. Nobody warned about thunderstorms coming to South Park during winter. I had to spend the night in the basement!

Not for freakish reasons. I'm terrified of thunderstorms.

Anywho, Kyle leaned over to Stan and asked, "So how'd your date with Ms. Ellen go?"

"Did you make love?" Cartman asked.

Stan nodded, "I think so."

"No way!" Cartman smiled.

Stan smiled back, "Yup."

"Down by the fire?" Kyle asked.

Stan nodded again, "Yup."

"(Well, did you stick it in Ms. Ellen's vagina)?" Kenny asked.

"Did I WHAT?!" Stan exclaimed.

"Kenny! Sick!" Sam shouted.

Then Ms. Ellen arrived and took a seat in the Teacher's desk, "Good morning, children."

All the boys sat up straight. Wendy climbed out of her desk and walked over to our new teacher, "Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?"

Ms. Ellen nodded, "Sure, but can it wait until after class, Wendy?"

Wendy shook her head, "No." Then told her, "I just have to apologize for the way I've been acting."

Ms. Ellen smiled, "Oh, that's okay, Wendy."

Wendy shook her head again, "No, it's not." Then she sulked, "Since you're here to stay, I just hope we can be friends."

I narrowed my eyes at Wendy.

Ms. Ellen smiled, "Well I would love that, Wendy."

Then Wendy turned to the entire class, "And I want to apologize to everybody. The way I acted was wrong, and I've learned from it." Tears welled up in her eyes, "I just wish Stan and Ms. Ellen would have all the happiness in the world."

Stan noticed her tears and his expression changed to sympathy and sadness. I folded my arms and leaned over my desk. Something didn't feel right. It was like Wendy was stalling, or giving a signal to someone other than Stan.

I don't like it.

Sam must have noticed and whispered to me, "What is it, Ellie? You 'sense' danger again?"

"Wait for it." I answered.

"Wendy, there's nothing between me and Stan!" Ms. Ellen assured.

"That's not what we just heard!" Cartman replied in a sing-song tone.

With that, Wendy returned to her desk, still sad and sulking. Ms. Ellen returned to the lesson of the morning, "Okay, children, let's catch up on our cursive handwriting."

Suddenly, there was a loud commotion coming from outside the classroom. The door was kicked open and a group of 8 Iraqi soldiers entered the classroom.

"Down! Down! Everybody down!" The leader shouted.

"What the hell?!" Cartman exclaimed.

Everyone ducked under their desks, as the soldiers took over the class and surrounded Ms. Ellen.

"So, we meet again, Ms. Ellen." The leader greeted.

Ms. Ellen looked at the commotion in confusion. Principal Victoria walked in and asked, "And just what is going on here, mister?"

"I am Hakeem Korashki of the mighty nation of Iraq!" The leader answered, then pointed to Ms. Ellen. "This woman is a traitor to our government!"

Ms. Ellen stood up from her desk, "It's a lie!"

Two of the soldiers grabbed her arms.

"She has killed thousands, and will kill again I assure you!" The leader told Principal Victoria.

Principal Victoria turned to Ms. Ellen, "Ms. Ellen is this true?"

Ms. Ellen quickly shook her head, "NO!"

"We must take her back to Iraq immediately!" The leader told the kind principal.

Wendy smiled, "Oh, cool!"

"Principal Victoria, please!" Ms. Ellen pleaded.

"Here is a black and white photo of Ms. Ellen with our leader-" The leader showed an old photo of Ms. Ellen with the nasty Iraqi tyant Sadaam Hussein, "Her real name is 'Makesh Alak Makarakesh'!"

I shook my head. They can't be serious. That photo was obviously altered.

Principal Victoria glared at Ms. Ellen, "Well, Ms. Makarakesh, you certainly tried to put one over on us, boy howdy!" Then she told the soldiers, "Take her away!"

Ms. Ellen struggled free from the soldiers that had hold of her arms, and grabbed one of their scimitars, "NO! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

She swung the sword in warning, then her grip slipped and flew out of her hand. The sword flew toward Kenny, who wasn't under his desk, and pierced him clean between his eyes. The sword took Kenny with it, pinning him onto the wall.

I covered my mouth at the sight.

"Oh my God! She killed Kenny!" Stan exclaimed.

"You bastard!" Kyle shouted at Ms. Ellen with an angry glare.

The soldiers grabbed Ms. Ellen again and dragged her out of the classroom. Ms. Ellen struggled, shouting, "NOOO!"

Once the Iraqi soldiers and Ms. Ellen was gone, everything calmed down and everyone returned to their seats.

"Wow! What incredible irony!" Wendy noted in a sarcastic, but subtle, dumbfounded tone.

A little later, the entire school was evacuated, as the police and an ambulance arrived to clean up what happened with the soldiers and Ms. Ellen.

"Wow... I can't believe Ms. Ellen was a criminal Iraqi fugitive..." Stan gasped.

Wendy shrugged her shoulders, "Yeah, you just never know."

Stan looked at Wendy, "Well, I guess...I'm sorry that I was ignoring you and stuff."

Wendy smiled, "Happy Valentines Day, Stan."

She puckered and leaned closer to Stan. He leaned closer, but looked a little nervous. Once they were close enough, Stan barfed into Wendy's mouth.

Wendy quickly spat the vomit out of her mouth and exclaimed, "Ew!"

"Sorry." Stan apologized with a sulk.

"No, it's okay Stan!" Wendy assured with a smile, "Everything's going to be okay!"

Kyle looked over at Cartman, who was eating a cardboard box, "Cartman, are you still trying to become a lesbian?"

Cartman nodded, "Yeah dude, my mom says all I have to do is chow on this box."

I rolled my eyes and sighed, "Oh, for the love of..." I walked over to Cartman and took the box out of his hands, "Cartman, you can't become a lesbian."

Cartman glared at me, "Yes, I can!"

I shook my head, "No, you can't. You wanna know what a lesbian is?" This caught the boys' attention. "A lesbian is a female gay. Ms. Ellen likes women." I told them.

The boys stared at me for a second, then realization hit them, "Oh."

*Later that afternoon, In Wendy's Backyard...*

With Ms. Ellen gone. Wendy thought it would be nice to throw a party in her backyard, for Valentine's Day. Everyone invited was having a great time and enjoying the drinks and food.

A young teacher with ravenette hair and dark eyes walked up to Wendy. She wore a yellow jumper over a white collared shirt, a red skirt and black shoes. She smiled, "Great Party, Wendy."

Wendy nodded, "Thanks, Mrs. Kimble." Then added, "Thanks for helping me get Mr. Garrison to come back as a teacher."

The teacher patted her head, "Anything for you, sugar pie."

I decided to confront Wendy for what has happened recently.

Wendy glanced at me and greeted, "Oh, hi. Eleanor, right?"

I nodded, "Yeah. Listen, I've been thinking, Wendy..." I put my hands behind me, "This whole outcome is pretty strange..."

Wendy nodded, "Uh-huh." Then glanced to her left, "Excuse me."

She turned to a group of Iraqi soldiers. The same ones from before. They started talking to each other in the Arabian tongue. I was able to understand bits and pieces they were saying. Wendy gave them a great sum of money and the leader walked off with a pleased smile.

"Wendy, what was that about?" I asked, "What did that fellow mean by 'The deed is done'?"

Bebe looked at me with shock, "You understood all that?"

I shrugged, "You gets pieces and you've already solved the puzzle."

"Wait, wait! Shh!" Wendy shushed me, "It's time to whip out the eclipse shoe boxes!"

She grabbed a shoe-box and looked through it. She sighed with a smile, "Bye, bye, Ms. Ellen."

I gasped, "Wendy, you didn't!"

Wendy just looked at me. She started to laugh. My eyes widened as her laughter began to turn completely insane. She even had a look of insanity in her eyes.

She did!

She calmed down and told me, "I told her! Don't. Fuck. With. Wendy. Testaburger!"