House's House of Cards
Thursday was all about poker night. House woke well after Wilson but there was a note in front of the coffee pot reminding him it was poker night.
House read the note before tossing it in the wastebasket. He glanced in the direction of the dancing footsteps that had been on his heels since he hauled himself from his bed. "Poker? Hector like poker? A lot of guys playing cards and eating?" House teased as he poured coffee for both of them.
Eat? Food? Tasty! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Tasty!
House watched Hector do his little dance while waiting for the milk. It was obvious he'd been fed. There wasn't a crumb left in his bowl but the pizza sauce ring around his mouth had been replaced by one of gravy brown.
House nuked breakfast and made ready for work at his usual snail's pace. His cell phone rang when he was considering if it was still too early to go into work. House read the text message.
"Bozo's lonely."
House made a face. Which Bozo, House thought with a smile. He decided to try the direct approach and see if she scared easily. Maybe he could pass her along to Wilson later…she did a great job grooming Hector.
"Foursome around noon?" House typed and hit send.
"You're on." Fired back before House was in his car. He raised an eyebrow as he snapped the cell phone shut. Brave but needy; Wilson could use one of those. And she had the other bookend to go with…House thought it over. If Wilson started seeing her she might rob him of the odd weekend adventure with Hector! He did make an excellent "hunting" dog for House's species of "DEAR."
Lunch was more fun. House decided to hang on to that number after all. There were still two more to go and it was only Thursday! House wondered what day Wilson's ex was getting back. Surely she'd like a day or two to get settled in without a handful like Hector under foot. No reason he couldn't stay the weekend!
There were no telltale hickeys for Wilson to see at lunch. But he'd run into House that morning in the hall and noticed a different shirt now. "You went home." Wilson commented.
"I've been known to. I live there." House said, stuffing in some more food.
"You changed shirts."
House nodded. "Underwear too."
Wilson rolled his eyes. "Why is it you're always twice as impossible on poker night?"
"Getting in the proper frame of mind. You should try it sometime, Wilson. You don't know what you're missing." House grinned, thinking of a lot of other things his clueless friend should be trying as well.
Poker night meant pizza and lots of it. It also meant an amount of beer equal to the task of washing it down. Pizza was the meal part. There were also snacks. There were pretzels and chips and bean, sour cream, and chili and cheese dip; more flavors of Doritos than you could shake a stick at, and Scoops for getting even more dip. Chex mix and nachos were on the menu as well. These guys knew how to eat and they were doing their best to educate Hector in the fine art of junk food from the time they got there.
"Hey…you got a dog?"
House made a face and stared at dry cleaning guy. "I thought he was a short old hippie! No wonder he's been so quiet!" House snarked.
"Cute little guy."
"Thanks, he's mine." Wilson said, wandering in behind as dry cleaning guy stopped to pet Hector. He ripped open his pretzels and gave one to Hector.
"Yours?" House raised an eyebrow. "You've got visitation rights." House said, snagging a beer from Wilson's case and pointing toward the kitchen. "Better put those away before they get warm."
"I'll get right on that." Wilson said, starting to close the door as accountant guy wandered in behind. Him.
"Hey…you got a dog!" He said, falling in line behind the other two. All three of them and House watched as Hector saw the open door. Wilson dropped the beer on the floor as Hector ran past him.
"Grab him!" Wilson said as everyone stared at Hector as he made his way to freedom.
Wilson panicked and ran after him. Everyone's head turned to follow the procession as Hector bounced off of waiter guy who was just coming up to the door, and kept going.
"Hector!" Wilson yelled as he disappeared out the door behind his snow-white escape artist. House shook his head and grabbed the laser pointer off the piano and hobbled after his idiot friend.
"Hector?" One of the guys asked House on his way out to the street.
"Wilson's an idiot, remember?"
"Oh yeah…"
Everyone gathered on the sidewalk to watch Wilson lose the footrace.
House couldn't resist with a real audience this time. Hector was hot on the trail of the laser light and heading toward the door.
"Cool." One of the guys said.
"Even cooler when Wilson's out of breath." House said as he gave Hector a chance to run. He turned the light back up the sidewalk and ran Hector past Wilson as Wilson was crossing the street. Wilson shot House a dirty look as House ran Hector past him one last time on the way to the door. "Make way, guys. Here he comes." House grinned.
Everyone watched Hector turn the corner and disappear inside. There were manly nods and comments of "way to go" and several more votes of "cool" as they filed inside.
Wilson was the last one in and House closed the door. "Thanks." Wilson huffed.
House wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic or actually grateful. He shrugged it off, tossing the pointer on the card table.
"Maybe you ought to get one of those." Dry cleaning guy advised Wilson.
"It's on my list." Wilson said, leaning against the sofa to catch his breath.
"Probably the only accessory he didn't come with." House snarked as he sat down. "Hey, Wilson, you look like you could use a beer. Why don't you get me one while you're out there?" House said, making a face as the group got situated for the evening's festivities.
The poker game was under way…
There is a God! It's raining food! It's all so tasty! What is all this stuff? It smells delicious! It tastes delicious! There's another one. It's tasty too. It's all so …tasty!
The guys laughed as they tossed snack after snack on the floor for Hector. "Look, it even dusts as it vacuums!" House snarked, tossing the odd pretzel and an occasional Dorito.
"House…remember what happened the last time." Wilson cautioned.
"Like he'll be the only one." House made a face. "Loosen up Wilson! Hey, and since you're getting up…" House waved his empty can at Wilson.
While Wilson was gone House snagged one of the unused ashtrays off the table and slipped it on the floor. He pointed and motioned for the guys to keep quiet. They got a kick out of watching House slip Hector some beer whenever Wilson wasn't paying attention.
This goes great with all this food! Tasty! Did someone say pizza? I know it goes with that! There's another pointy tasty! There's another curly tasty! Raining food…again! I'm going to need some more beer to wash all of this down! Hey, the bowl's already full…again! This is great. We ought to do this more often!
They had a ball feeding Hector. He was getting enough practice to start catching snacks before they even hit the floor. House was impressed. He didn't think the old boy had it in him. Soon enough House was aiming the laser pointer at a spot and then tossing food at the red dot. Then he started putting the red dot on the food the guys were throwing.
It's the read alien! He's after my food! Get off my pointy thing! Get off my curly thing! It's after the food!
In between hands the guys were howling as Hector continually ran his nose into the floor, the pretzels and everything else in between trying to keep the alien being from stealing his food. And while House was distracting them he was making a killing at the table.
A short break for pizza later, the first methane death cloud wafted above the table.
"Oh my God! Who died?" Waiter guy asked. The guys started looking at one another.
"What the…oh man. That's awful." Dry cleaning guy chimed in.
House, did you do that?" Accountant guy glared at him.
"Nope." House said. "It's the dog. It's saying thank you." House grinned as he had the majority of the winnings on the table in front of him.
"I thought that was a belch."
"It's a dog. And it's Wilson's. Stands to reason it talks out its …"
"House!" Wilson griped as the guys burst out laughing.
"Man! You could run a car off of that!" Waiter guy was impressed as another cloud announced itself, complete with sound affects.
"Okay, okay…you win. You got us all beat!" Dry cleaning guy said, waving his hand in front of his face.
"Nobody light a match." Accountant guy said, getting up from the table for some fresh air. "Somebody open a window."
"You're up." House said, not taking his eyes off his cards.
Several paint peeling, room clearing, eye watering blasts from the floor later, the guys decided to call it a night early. They'd been there several hours and weren't getting ahead. Broke or not, they swore to get their money back next time as they readied to leave.
"You win, House. Take the money and get an air purifier or something." One said.
"One of those ion ones…makes everything disappear." Waiter guy advised.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just visiting." House defended his little methane maker.
"So are we! He won. He's smoking us out!" Accountant guy said.
"Yeah…see you later, man." Waiter guy chimed in as they started getting up.
And of course…as they were saying good byes and heading out the door…Hector passed Wilson on the way out the door…again.
There were hoots and howls and cheers as the guys made a game of it. They herded and waved and bobbed and weaved at Hector as House stood on the sidewalk with the laser light and kept the little guy well clear of the traffic.
"House! He's going to get hit you moron!" Wilson pleaded.
"Shut up, idiot. How many grown men are standing in the street? I know what I'm doing." House said as he ran Hector in between two of the guys and they collided trying to catch him. "Hey, can we see that again in slow motion?" House snarked as Hector was finally starting to slow down. "Wilson is having a cow. Time to wrap it up for the night." House said as the guys broke up the party and Hector dashed inside after the red space alien. Wilson raced inside after his rabid animal and closed the inner door.
They laughed and said good night, spilling out of the street and into their cars. Every one of them said it was the most fun they'd had in ages. Waiter guy even offered to bring his dog next time if Hector wasn't there. "It's only a mutt but he likes laser light shows too. It'll keep you from having to vacuum after." He laughed, pulling away from the sidewalk.
House watched the vehicles disappear as he thought it over. Might be fun. But it wouldn't be quite the same. And no matter what they did for an encore, Hector would have done it first. House chuckled and wandered inside to see how his moron of a friend and his way cool pooch were doing.
Wilson was picking up the mess and acting like an overworked maid. House felt bad…for a second. But as he watched Hector park his shaggy white butt on his blue Berber fleece puff ball of a bed, House remembered there was safety in numbers. He propped himself in his usual spot on the couch and grabbed the remote, reaching down to scratch Hector for a bit while he channel surfed.
At some point in the wee hours of the morning House woke up with the remote still in his hand. Wilson was out cold on the couch, his lead leaning uncomfortably toward the back. House took in the sight and thought it would do him good; let him know how it felt to wake up in that much pain.
House hobbled off to bed. As he stripped down and eased his tired body under the blankets he felt a thump and watched Hector appear on the other side. He sat down beside House, tilting his head as an odd noise came from behind. House winced and pulled the blankets over his head. "I suppose I deserved that." He moaned, reaching from under the blankets for his Vicodin to help him get through a long smelly night. As he pulled the blankets down for a moment to swallow the pills Hector seized the moment. He leaned forward and started washing House's face. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, night, Hector."
You deserve that too, Uncle House. Kisses! Lots and lots of kisses! Great party, Uncle House. Tasty! You Da MAN!