That evening, Tilly ran herself a bath, filling it with her favourite bubbles. She couldn't relax, and hoped the hot water and soothing scents would somehow soothe away the nausea that had settled on her after the meeting. Although she knew it had gone well, she was beginning to feel sick with the unfairness of the situation. She was still struggling to come to terms with what Jen had done to her. She felt worthless. Completely, and utterly worthless. Jen had meant everything to her. Last summer, she was genuinely ready to give up everything and run to the otherside of the world. Not just because it meant they could be together properly, but because she thought it was what Jen wanted. The way she'd spoken about how carefree life was whilst she was travelling. After the bush crash, despite Jen choosing the job over her, she had seeked confort in her. Writing her e-mails that she never sent. Just to feel close to the one person that she knew could stop her hurting. And when she'd finally come back, telling her she loved her, Tilly had thrown caution to the wind and given in to Jens baiting. Despite every instinct screaming at her not to, she'd melted into Jen once more. Well, that had been the biggest mistake of all time. So whilst Jen had been the life and soul she'd breathed, what had she really meant to Jen in return? What made Jen so incapable of showing her emotions? The woman blushed everytime she said 'I love you', for God sake. What was strange, was the fact that Jen so openly loved the world around her. Seeing beauty in everything, captivated by nature. She was so passionate about everything she saw, feeling the potential to turn the most simplest of things into a mesmorising piece of art. So why did she completely shut herself down when it came to Tilly? It wasn't all the time. Sometimes, she'd let herself be vulnerable. Showing Tilly how much she cared with simple gestures that meant so much. But just as quickly, she could turn it off and it was like coming up against a brick wall.
Here I go again, Jen, Jen, Jen.
She sighed. Her composure was slipping. She had her first meeting with the counsellor tomorrow. She'd already planned what she was going to say. That yes, she'd struggled with the grief and it had made her do some stupid things. But she was feeling alot better now, time off from school and the pressure of her exams having helped a great deal. She wasn't sure if it would work. As great a liar as she'd become, she knew they could spot someone like Tilly a mile off. Someone who was refusing to accept what had happened. Someone pretending to be ok, when inside they were broken.
Once out of the bath, Tilly changed into her comfiest pjamas, enjoying the feel of the flannel like material against her skin. The bath hadn't really helped, if anything it had made things worse. Relaxing meant the wall had lost a few bricks, and the pain and anxiety had sensed the oppurtunity to descend into her heart. She climbed into bed and pulled the duvet tightly around herself, trying to block everything out and focus on the task ahead. Tomorrow was a new day. Another chance to show everyone how well she was doing, how determined she was to move forward. She knew she should start working out phase two of her plan, but her heart wasn't in it. She typed out a goodnight text to George, then snuggled down into the duvet, letting sleep engulf her. She dreamt of many things through the night. Mostly random happenings, full of people she didn't recognise. But at some point, Jen was there. Stood at the end of a long, dark tunnel, just like the one she'd described to the governors. Reaching out her hand. A smile on her face. The smile that had melted Tillys heart ten times over.