Charlie awoke the next morning, with a void of dread surrounding her. She recalled the night before, telling Ruby she was gay. Charlie swallowed hard and sat up, looking around her room she felt isolated and lost. She wanted to take it all back, to hide and pretend this wasn't who she was. Charlie chastised herself, she had to stop behaving like this. She had to accept who she was; she so desperately wanted the pain of it all to stop, she wanted to be relaxed and happy. She needed to see Jess. Charlie rushed to the shower before Ruby could beat her to it, and got ready quickly. Clearing out the house in record time she drove her car down towards the wharf. Jess had said she had some jobs on this morning so she hoped to catch her there.
Sure enough, when Charlie arrived Jess was on a boat looking slightly green.
"Hey!" she called. Jess looked in Charlie's direction and waved and smiled.
"Hey back!" Charlie walked over over to the edge of the Jetty and checked if she could see anyone else around.
"Are you on your own?"
"Yeah, the crew are taking a long breakfast while I fit this." Jess held up a contraption of some description that Charlie had no idea what it was.
"I won't ask." Both women grinned. "I know you said you had a lot on this week, but I er-" Charlie faltered, needing Jess's support but not wanting to take advantage.
"What is it Charlie?" Jess could see her friend was yet again struggling with something
"I um-" Charlie chuckled at herself, "I came out last night. To Ruby. I said I was gay." Jess put the 'contraption' down on the deck and climbed off the boat. She looked at Charlie in her uniform shaking like a terrified child.
"Charlie, are you okay? You look like I feel on that boat!" Charlie's subconscious took advantage of the opportunity to change the subject.
"You get sea-sick don't you!" She chuckled at the thought.
"A little. Okay I hate boats and water, that's why I 'let' Andrew go out on all the interesting jobs. I've never got on with unnatural movement, water, swings, anything that moves off the ground basically. I'm a wimp. But you're changing the subject Charlie." Jess took hold of Charlie's shoulders and looked in her eyes. "You really did it?"
"I did. And I woke up this morning and I wanted to take it all back. Not because it wasn't true, because now I have to deal with it."
"Well, being able to say it to someone else is a pretty big step for you! Considering the other day you couldn't even say the 'g' word." Charlie looked down ashamed. "Hey, it's great. I'm proud."
"Thanks. I'm kinda proud of me too, but I'm not sure what this 'brave with emotions' Charlie is going to do next. She keeps getting a mind of her own."
"I think she's doing pretty well." Jess realised she still had hold of Charlie and dropped her hands. "Look, I really do need to finish this job, but If you want we can meet up later this afternoon. After I've seen Hugo."
"Are you sure? You said that this week was going to be-"
"It doesn't matter, I still have time for you." Charlie smiled at Jess's genuine giving nature. She couldn't help but feel extremely comforted by her.
"Okay, if you're sure?"
"I'm sure, I wouldn't offer otherwise."
"Somehow I think you would; but I do appreciate it. Thank you so much." Charlie leant in and hugged Jess with all her might. The women parted and went their separate ways, all Charlie had to do was make it until the end of her shift without panicking, and then everything would be fine.
The rest of the day passed slowly for Charlie. She constantly watched the clock waiting for her shift to end, which of course didn't help her any. Every time she made eye contact with someone at the station, she panicked and wondered if they knew her secret. By the end of the day she was a wreck again and practically ran out of her office and out to her car. Sitting safely inside she called Jess to see if she was ready. She answered quickly.
"Hey Charlie. You finished your shift?"
"Yes, finally!"
"Long day?"
"Seemed like it. How are you doing for time?"
"I'm all free, I'm at home if you want to come round? I have more carpet on show this time!" Charlie giggled and agreed to meet Jess at her home. When she arrived, she could see Jess at her kitchen window. Charlie waved and saw Jess move out of the room to greet her at the door.
"You remembered where I am then."
"Of course." Charlie smiled as Jess motioned for her to come in.
"Would you like a coffee?" Charlie nodded emphatically. "Okay, coming up. Why don't you go and take a seat on a box and admire my carpet."
"You don't have any lounge furniture yet?"
"I have some, it's just in storage. Not had much time to bother getting it. I have a bed and a kettle and that works for me." Jess went back to the kitchen and Charlie followed her instructions and found a sturdy box in the lounge room. It was less of a mess than when she had first been here, but she still felt a little sad that Jess hadn't felt the need to make it a home yet. She resolved that she should try to be equally as supportive of her as she had been to Charlie.
"Coffee!" Jess walked in with two cups and handed one to Charlie. "I see you found the good box."
"It's a little hard but I don't feel like it's going to give way under me."
"There's two radios and a lot of bubble wrap in there. I shall take the one opposite; cabling. It's like sitting on a rubber ring if you get it right."
"You know, you might get more enjoyment out of a sofa, I could help you if you needed another pair of hands?" Jess considered Charlie's offer, it was obvious she expected Jess to want to make her place more homely. She wanted furniture; truth be told the cabling box wasn't the most comfortable seat, but it didn't feel quite right setting up home again when she had lost the person whom she had already had one with.
"Thanks, might take you up on that."
"You don't seem keen?" Jess sighed, Charlie was going to be as good a friend to her as she was trying to be. It wasn't fair to Charlie to make her face her demons if Jess wasn't willing to face hers.
"I just haven't been in a 'homely' mood. Emily always had the big ideas and I let her shape our home. It's too easy for me to just get by. I don't really have any ideas what I want to do with the place."
"Well, as proud of it as you are, this carpet has to go!" Jess looked down at the almost red flooring. She figured it might have been red once, or maybe brown, she couldn't be sure.
"I guess, it's not really a colour is it?"
"No, it's awful." Charlie smiled cheekily at Jess who found herself easily responding.
"I guess, I should do something about it. I'll tell you what, there's a shed free from next week. You can help me shift these over to the wharf and in return I'll let you help me pick out a carpet."
"You drive a hard bargain."
"Come on it's a damn good offer and you know it. Hey you can get Ruby to help too, that's got to be worth it."
"Okay, you have yourself a deal." Both friends took a break to sip their drinks.
"So, how are you feeling?" Charlie had put it off long enough.
"Better now I'm here to be honest." Jess smiled reassuringly.
"You're welcome any time."
"Thanks." Charlie didn't make a move to continue the conversation so Jess tried to further it herself.
"So, you've moved on from 'Joey' to 'gay'." Charlie sighed.
"I guess."
"Geez Charlie; blood, stone?" Jess smiled as she said it so Charlie knew she was joking.
"I'm sorry."
"Hey, don't be. I know it's hard. But really, you feel like it's more than just Joey?"
"Yes I do."
"Why?"
"Because Joey's not the only girl I've had feelings for."
"Oh? This is new, you didn't mention -" Jess's words were cut short as Charlie leant over to kiss her. Both minds exploded with what was happening. They both allowed the kiss to continue for some moments, before Jess pulled away. "Charlie -"
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I shouldn't -"
"Charlie!"
"I'll just go. I'm sorry." Jess stood up and grabbed Charlie's retreating arm.
"Charlie wait. Will you just stop please?" Charlie relented but still couldn't look at Jess. "I'm not mad okay?" Charlie gave a small nod, still looking away. "Come on, sit down again and finish your drink, I won't have you wasting my expensive Italian coffee." Charlie gave in and sat back down. Jess reached out and grabbed her free hand to try to show support and resolve. She made sure the fact that her head was spinning at a hundred miles an hour, was missed by her companion.
"I'm sorry." Jess chuckled at her friend as she apologised yet again.
"So you said." Charlie sighed.
"It was out of order I shouldn't have -"
"You must have had a reason. But I don't think it was the right one."
"I like you."
"I know. But you're in love with someone else Charlie. What would you do if Joey walked through the door right now?"
"I would run into her arms and beg her for forgiveness." Charlie said through fresh tears.
"See, you didn't even have to think about that. She's the one you want to be with."
"I'm so lost. I feel like I've finally found myself, but even now I can't have what I want. I've screwed everything up, you probably think I'm being all crazy and stalker like now as well." Jess laughed and smiled broadly.
"No, I don't think that. I think you've finally admitted to yourself what you really want and you realise you can't have it right now and you're lonely and scared."
"That sounds like a good explanation."
"It does, doesn't it." Jess watched Charlie's sadness return. "Hey, come on. Maybe if we weren't both madly in love with other people we'd be great together." They both laughed as Jess's phone started ringing. "Sorry, Andrew's off again I have to get this."
"No worries." Charlie sniffed a little and wiped her tears away as Jess walked off with her phone to her ear. She still couldn't believe what she had just done. She felt stupid and even though Jess was being so nice she really hoped she hadn't just ruined a perfectly good and honest friendship. In that moment Charlie realised that if she had the guts to do that, then she had the guts to be with Joey, properly. The only problem was she wasn't here to convince her of that. Jess came back into the lounge room with a sour expression on her face. Charlie instantly worried she had changed her mind and was really mad.
"I have to go out. Andrew's wife is really in labour and there's a boat around the coast that is losing communications. I can't leave them out there."
"Oh no of course you can't. Will you be okay, on the water?"
"Yeah, I'll have to leave now and drive round as far as I can. I'll have to get someone to get me out to the boat though."
"Let me know when you leave dry land, and when you get back on it again?" Jess smiled, glad for Charlie's concern.
"Sure I will. And hey, we're okay by the way. Friends?"
"Yes, definitely." The two women hugged each other and Charlie made her way to the door followed by Jess.
"You really should be proud of yourself Charlie. I think you're doing really well."
"Thanks, I know I've been a mess today but I can do this."
"I'll text you later okay?" Jess reassured Charlie.
"Yes, you be safe."
"I will."
"And thanks, for everything. Again."
"No worries." They shared a simple smile and Charlie made her way to her car. Jess turned back into the house and gathered what she thought she needed before making the drive around the coast.