Disclaimer: Disclaimed.

Dear Diet Coke. You have always been there for me when I have needed you. I love you. Never leave me.

Ziva fed coins into the vending machine in the NCIS break room and made her selection. The machine whirred and pushed another can of Diet Coke off the ledge, and it hit the bottom of the machine with a thunk. Tiredly, Ziva bent to retrieve the can. She usually tried to stay away from the delicious sugary elixir of the Gods because she knew that she could form an addiction to it all too easily. But today was the kind of day that needed some sugar added to it.

McGee had come out of his surgery the previous afternoon as well as could be expected. The bullet that hit him had missed his major leg artery and his femur, and there had not been significant damage to his tendons. His doctor expected him to make a good recovery after a few weeks of rest and some rehabilitation. The news had brought them all enormous relief, and seeing him awake (albeit groggy) after his surgery and trying to assure them that he felt 'completely fine' went someway towards assuaging Ziva's guilt. His shooter, too, would make a recovery. For now he was handcuffed to his hospital bed and guarded by police until his doctor declared him fit to be interviewed. Gibbs couldn't wait.

After leaving the hospital around dinnertime Ziva had returned to NCIS with Gibbs, Tony and Abby. She had spent several hours writing her report of the shooting and justifying her actions, and although she knew that she was justified in firing her weapon she was aware that her name had linked to too many investigations in the last few years. She knew her team did not doubt her actions, but she doubted she had a very good reputation amongst other NCIS or FBI agents. That wasn't to say she would do things differently, but it was career limiting nonetheless. Even if she weren't interested in advancing through the ranks her growing reputation as a troublemaker and wildcard would make it difficult to change teams. Not that Gibbs would let that happen. He had made that very clear. Although perhaps he would be more open to the idea after she had left McGee open for attack. And after Abby argued for her transfer to Antarctica.

She leaned back against the vending machine, opened her Diet Coke and took a sip of liquid energy. Every day that she thought she couldn't get any more worn down by her life, or make any worse mistakes, she proved herself wrong. Her father would be so proud, to say nothing of what Gibbs must think of her performance lately. She was losing control, and it was beginning to show.

"Ziva?"

Ziva startled at Abby's voice and her eyes snapped up from the floor. Despite being in two-inch thick platforms and with chains hanging off her dog collar Abby had somehow managed to creep up on her. Not only was Ziva losing control, but she was also losing her edge.

She stood up straight and squared her shoulders, and prepared for more anger to be leveled at her. "Yes, Abby."

Abby chewed her lip beneath wide eyes and stepped timidly around the table towards her. "I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry about what I said yesterday." She pressed her hands together over her chest. "I was just freaked out and panicking and it all came out of nowhere, you know? And you were there and I just fired at you, but I shouldn't have and I'm so sorry, Ziva."

Ziva blinked slowly at her as she tried to absorb the extreme turnaround from 24 hours ago. Her actions yesterday had been playing on her mind from the moment she heard the gunshot. She knew immediately upon seeing McGee bleeding that she should have paid more attention to the people on the street outside the apartment and identified anyone who looked suspicious. She should have scanned the apartment complex for a little longer as they approached to look for signs of trouble. She should have stayed with her partner as they searched the apartment, particularly when they knew that the killer was still on the loose. She should have prevented the shooting. Abby's words at the hospital may have been harsh and delivered in anger and panic, but that didn't make them wrong. Ziva was the team's bodyguard and she had failed in her duty. Yes, McGee was a trained federal agent and he knew how to look after himself. But when that failed it was her job to be there to cover him. She wasn't supposed to fail. So although Abby may have regretted some of the charges she had laid against her, Ziva knew she was still guilty.

She shook her head at Abby and squared her shoulders as she accepted blame. "No, you do not need to apologize," she said. "You were right. I should have kept eyes on him."

Abby's eyes widened until her face took on the expression of a guilty child. She shook her head vigorously sending ink black pigtails flying, and took two steps over to her. "No, Ziva, I was wrong," she insisted, and reached out to hold on to Ziva's forearm. "I was just so worried and I'm so sick of you guys getting hurt but it's not your fault. I had to vent and you were there so you got it. But you didn't deserve it."

Ziva dropped her gaze in favor of the safety of the wall. She knew this conversation was supposed to make her feel better, but it was making her feel worse. "I was there and I could have prevented it, but I did not."

"But you would have," Abby said, as if those were the magic words to make everything okay. "If you'd been in the room you would've had that guy on the ground and in cuffs before he even saw you."

Ziva's eyes snapped back to hers as she felt the need to point out the obvious. "But I was not in the room."

Abby looked at her with something verging on sympathy. "You were distracted with something else," she said with a shrug. "You've got a hundred things going on when you're in the field. And lately you've had all this other stuff…" She stopped abruptly as Ziva stiffened at the words that cut instead of calmed. "I mean…"

Ziva shook her head and gave Abby a tight smile. "Yes, that is true. I have been distracted, and to the detriment of my performance in the team."

"No, Ziva—"

"I have been letting you all down by allowing my emotions to get in the way," she continued, keeping her tone even so as not to invite more undeserved sympathy. "McGee paid the price for that. I owe you all an apology and a promise that I will regain my focus."

Abby stared at her in silence for a full five seconds before the barest of frowns creased her forehead. "You don't owe anyone an apology, Ziva."

Ziva let out a soft, bitter chuckle. McGee had gotten shot because she wasn't watching his back. Gibbs was down a team member. Tony was uncomfortable with her. Abby missed Tony spending time with them. And that was all just from the last few weeks. She did not see the point in arguing further with Abby, though.

She put her hand on Abby's shoulder and gave her a polite smile. "Thank you, Abby, for your kindness."

Abby gave her a skeptical look. "Are we okay?"

"Of course," Ziva nodded. "I should get back to work."

Her friend pulled her pout into a weak smile and gave her a wave as Ziva headed for the door. As she walked the hallways back to the bullpen, Ziva wondered if she had just hit on the key to solving all the problems she had been creating lately. She had been letting her emotions get in the way, so perhaps now was the time to ignore them completely. Before arriving at NCIS she had been adept at the skill. As a child she had been trained to give nothing of herself away while drawing everything out of others. While working for the Mossad the practice made her an effective officer and contributed to the success of her missions. She may have slept with her fellow officers, but she did not talk to them about her interests or feelings, or invite them to find out who she really was. She had intended to continue that when she arrived in Washington, and for a while she thought she had successfully remained emotionally distant while inserting herself into her teammates' lives. Life had seemed so much easier back then. Surely returning to the woman she had been, the soldier without distraction, would turn things around again. She had to focus on her job and dedicate herself to it completely without getting tangled in personal relationships. She had to protect her team and do her job.

She had to become what Tony called 'the old Ziva'.

"You coming to the hospital?"

Ziva looked up from her computer screen at Tony hovering in front of her desk. She had been so absorbed in her work that she hadn't noticed him getting ready to leave for the evening. In fact, she hadn't noticed that it was time to go home. The afternoon had slipped away without her paying it any attention, and there was a part of her that was proud that she had managed to be so focused.

She gave Tony a polite but dismissive smile. "No. I spoke to McGee this morning."

Tony hitched his backpack further up his shoulder as he looked down at her curiously. "Okay," he said. "Is everything all right?"

"What?"

"You've been focused like a laser pointer today."

She frowned briefly but shook her head before she invited further discussion. "I have had work to do."

Tony continued to stare at her for a few moments, and she stared back at him with the blankest expression she could muster. Tony breathed out heavily and gave up. He looked over at Gibbs.

"You coming, boss?"

Gibbs didn't look up from his paperwork. "I'll be by later."

"Okay, then," Tony said, his tone tinged with defeat. "See you all in the morning."

Ziva returned her gaze to her computer screen, but watched Tony leave out of the corner of her eye. Her fingers were still on her keyboard as she listened to him get into the elevator, and once the door closed as she was sure he was gone she refocused on the words on her computer screen and tried to recapture the train of thought she had when Tony interrupted her.

Half an hour later she was almost finished the report she was writing when Gibbs broke the comfortable silence between them. When he pushed back his chair and stood, Ziva assumed that he was leaving for the night as well. But instead of heading to the elevator he walked around his desk, came in behind hers and sat on the low bookcase behind her left elbow. Ziva looked up at him, her eyebrow lifted in surprise. Kind blue eyes gazed down at her, and though he hadn't said a word yet it was all he needed to do to bring Ziva to the brink of tears.

"You talked to Abby?" he asked.

Ziva nodded and swallowed down the lump in her throat. "Yes. She apologized for what she said at the hospital, but it was not necessary."

Although they were the only people in the bullpen, Gibbs leaned closer and lowered his voice. "I can't have you blaming yourself for what happened, Ziva."

She lifted her chin to take the blame straight on. "I have been letting my emotions get in the way of doing my job. They are making me soft and too complacent."

Gibbs looked vaguely amused. "You gotta stop thinkin' that, too."

Ziva stabbed at a few keys on her keyboard as she let one emotion—frustration—build in her. "I was a far more effective agent when I was solely focused on my job, and not the lives of the people around me."

"You weren't more effective back then," Gibbs stated. "And emotion makes agents better at what they do. Look at DiNozzo."

Ziva shot a deep frown at him that make him chuckle.

"He's the most emotional agent in this team, and he uses it to his advantage," Gibbs said. "You gotta work out how to do what he does."

Ziva stared at him with disbelief. "You want me to be more like Tony?" Her partner may have used him emotions effectively in the field, but he also used them to annoy the crap out of Gibbs at almost any time of day.

"Not exactly," Gibbs allowed. "But you're a better agent since you opened up. So keep going."

Ziva felt tears burn the back of her eyes again, but there was no way she would let them fall. "What if I am not prepared to do that?" she asked. Her voice wavered and she hated it, but she pushed on. "Since I started opening myself up all I have gotten is pain. All I have done is hurt people in return. I do not see the point in continuing to do this." It was more than she had intended to say, and she bit her lip to stop herself from saying more.

"It hasn't all been pain," Gibbs told her gently. "You've been loved as well."

Ziva snorted and looked away. "Yes, I was loved by a man who kept secrets from me and expected me to accept it."

Gibbs sighed. "Yeah," he grunted, and leaned closer again. "But I love you too. So does McGee. Ducky, Abby." He paused and then softly added, "DiNozzo loves you."

She swallowed hard as Gibbs rattled off a list of everyone she had spent the last few months letting down. That they loved her and thought of her as family made her mistakes even worse. "Perhaps you should not," she told him.

He sighed again, but this one told her that he was out of patience. "Because I love you, I'm going to tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself."

"That is exactly what I am trying to do," she insisted.

Gibbs eyed her with the same kind of curiosity that Tony had turned on her before he left. When Tony did it, it irritated her. When Gibbs did it, it made her squirm. After a few long moments he lifted his eyes to scan the bullpen, and she felt like he was trying to give her some space. But his next question went straight to her jugular.

"You want to tell me what happened with DiNozzo?"

Ziva's cheeks flushed with embarrassment before her anger flared. "Nothing," she told him firmly. "Nothing has ever happened between us."

Gibbs nodded easily, and it occurred to her that he wasn't accusing her of having a relationship with Tony as she had thought. "You're not yourselves," he said.

"We are professional," she argued.

Gibbs smirked. "That's my point. Why have you suddenly decided to be professional with each other?"

"It is important for us," she said. "And for this team. I thought you would be pleased."

Gibbs lifted an eyebrow and nodded his head as he considered that. "I might be the only one."

She thought he was probably right. But she had to trust that with time, she and Tony would adjust to the way things were now. Eventually they would be comfortable with the new normal.

Gibbs reached over and brushed his index finger under her chin. "Hey," he said, tilting her face up. "One way or another, I need you to get your head back in the game. Got it?"

These were orders that Ziva knew how to take, and she nodded her head firmly like the good little soldier she was determined to become again. "Yes, Gibbs. I will."

He nodded and slid off her desk, and then stooped to put his mouth at her ear. "My door's always unlocked, Ziva," he told her, and then pressed a fleeting kiss to her temple before turning and walking away.

As she watched him go, Ziva considered the offer of a shoulder to cry on or an ear to scream in that hung in the air. It was tempting to go to her father figure and hug him until the smell of coffee and sawdust reassured her and his silence calmed her thoughts. But she had never been a daughter who buried her fears in her father's arms, and she was not going to start doing it now that she knew she had to step as far away from them as possible. Let Gibbs rock Abby as she cried. Let him be Tony's sounding board and even keel. Let him turn looks of approval and encouragement on McGee. But Ziva would not seek anything more from him.

Tony watched with no small amount of jealousy as Maxine leaned over the side of McGee's hospital bed and kissed her boyfriend's forehead. He couldn't remember the last time he had a beautiful woman show him affection while he recovered from an injury, and that wasn't because he had stopped injuring himself. Okay, so Abby was always there with a smile and a kiss and a hug. That was nothing to sneeze at. But Abby didn't love him like he wanted to be loved. And the last time Ziva stood over him when he'd been in McGee's position she had given him a critical look and seemed disappointed that he had not bled more. He was fairly certain that was her cover for being relieved that he was okay, but still. Just once before he died he wanted her—and it had to be her—to lean over his hospital bed and kiss his head. He thought they'd had a nice moment last night when they said they were grateful for each other, but by lunchtime today she had been closed off and silent. If the trend continued he doubted she'd turn up by his hospital bedside at all, let alone kiss him.

He winced at the sharp feeling in his chest and rubbed his hand over his heart. He suddenly felt the need for some gin.

"Well, you seem to be in capable hands, probie," he said, drawing McGee and Maxine's eyes. "I should go and let her capably handle you some more."

McGee looked fleetingly embarrassed. "Uh, yeah. Thanks for checking in."

"Are they going to send you home in the morning?"

McGee nodded. "Yeah, most likely. And I'll be back at work the day after."

"Tim," Maxine said with alarm. "You gotta be kidding."

McGee looked at her wide-eyed as he tried to navigate her thought process. "I don't mean I'll be in the field, but I'll be fine to sit at a desk."

Maxine looked to Tony for help. "Can you tell him that he can at least have the rest of the week off?"

Tony froze like a deer in the headlights. Getting into the middle of a couple's argument was a bad idea. If he agreed with Maxine, he'd be betraying McGee. If he agreed with McGee, Maxine would hate him until the end of time. "Uh…I don't really have the authority to grant or revoke leave. That's…that's a Gibbs question. You should ask Gibbs."

"I will."

Tony met McGee's eyes. He wasn't sure, but the probie looked a little paler than he had a minute ago.

Tony clapped his hands together and shot them a big smile. "Well, this was fun. Glad to see you're on the mend, McGee. Pleasure to see you again, Maxine. And I am out of here."

He left the room with a wave and walked down the hall in the direction of the elevators. He glanced in other rooms as he passed them, finding each with wives and husbands and parents and kids, and found himself rolling his eyes. The universe really seemed keen to show him what he didn't have tonight. On the other hand, he wasn't a patient. He supposed that was the silver lining.

The elevator doors opened while he was still a couple of feet away, and he started to jog to catch it. But when Gibbs stepped out he slowed his step and then waited for the boss to join him.

"Hey, boss," he said. "He's doing good. Maxine's in there with him."

Gibbs lifted his head in acknowledgement.

"He said they'll probably release him in the morning," Tony went on, falling into his habit of debriefing Gibbs on any situation. "He reckons he'll be back at work day after next but he's going to need rehab for sure."

"Yeah."

Tony cocked his head to the side and continued talking to keep his mind off the depressed place it wanted to be. "Has Vance said anything to you about a replacement yet? Because I don't want to deal with an honest-to-God probie, and I know how you feel about interlopers. I guess Ziva can go either way. She's either grr, I'll kill you," he made tiger claws, "or she's way too polite. Which I think is actually a front for wanting to kill them, but you can never quite tell with her. Sometimes it's not. I swear there's no rhyme or reason to how she reacts to people."

He paused to take a breath, and when he stayed quiet for more than two seconds Gibbs spoke up. "You need to talk to Ziva."

Tony shook his head. "Yeah, I'm probably not that well placed to do that right now, but maybe McGee can use the pity of being in a hospital bed to tell her to play nice with others."

He watched Gibbs' eyes go heavenward before he repeated himself. "You need to talk to Ziva."

Tony hesitated. "Uh, boss, you've probably noticed—"

"Damn it, everyone's noticed," Gibbs cut in, and although he didn't slap the back of his head, Tony felt the wake up call all the same. "You need to talk to her."

It was clear to him now that Gibbs wasn't talking about how Ziva might react to a temporary replacement on the team, but rather about the obvious downward spiral of Tony's relationship with her. He felt his shoulders slump under the weight of the task ahead of him, and although he wanted to talk to her, he didn't have a clue what to say.

"And what?" he asked Gibbs flatly. "Fix it? I'd love to hear your suggestions about how to do that, boss."

Gibbs threw his hands up at his sides. "I don't know what's broken, DiNozzo. I don't have a clue how to fix it. But you'd better. And you better do it soon before she leaves."

"Leaves?" he repeated as panic started rising from his stomach and sucking the feeling from his arms. "Leaves for where?"

"Hell, I don't know!" Gibbs cried, beyond frustrated with the conversation. "FBI? Coast Guard?"

"She wouldn't leave the team," Tony said firmly, as if saying it with conviction would make it true.

But Gibbs had to take that hope down. "She already asked," he stated.

Tony stared at him as crushing regret fell over him. The woman he wanted to be with wanted to be away from him so badly that she had asked for a transfer. She might have been grateful for him and loved him, but she didn't want to hang around to fix what was wrong with them. She wanted to do her typical Ziva thing and just walk away from trouble instead of dealing with it.

She was going to walk away from him.

"Oh," he managed.

"I told her no," Gibbs said, giving Tony a spark of hope as easily as he'd just taken it away. "But you need to talk to her. I don't care what you say, but it better be the truth and it better work."

Tony couldn't help his bitter chuckle. "The truth? I don't think that's going to get us anywhere. And even if it did, I don't think you'd approve of the destination."

Rule number 12: Never date a co-worker. Tony didn't need to say it; they were both thinking it. He'd challenged Gibbs on it a couple of months ago when he decided that he was going to pursue a relationship with EJ. Even though she hadn't really been part of their team, Gibbs still had issues with it. God only knew how he'd react if Tony and Ziva started something. Officially there wasn't a whole lot he could do, but that didn't mean that things wouldn't get uncomfortable and difficult.

But Gibbs surprised him. "Haven't I taught you anything?" he asked, exasperated. "It don't matter what I'd approve of. I'm already proud of you, Anthony. Making a decision I don't agree with isn't going to change that."

Tony stared at him with surprise, but felt the tug of a proud smile at the corner of his mouth.

"Be your own man," Gibbs went on. "Stop looking to me to tell you that you're doing things right. Only you know if you are. Listen to your damn gut." He punctuated the pep talk with a harsh slap to the back of Tony's head, and then strode off down the hallway before Tony could say a word in response.

For a few moments Tony stood there, dazed and confused. It sounded like Gibbs had just acknowledged that Tony and Ziva might break the rules. Provided, of course, that Tony could sit her down and say the magic words that would not only fix the rift between them but convince her that she should take back her decision to stay away from him and instead get much, much closer. He honestly didn't have a clue how he was going to do that, but…God, the feeling of hope within him that had sparked last night was sparking again and he couldn't let himself let it go. He had to make a play for her. If she rejected him it was hardly going to make their relationship any worse. But if she didn't? If he pulled off the unthinkable and convinced her that they had to take a chance on each other? Well, then he would get everything he had realized that he wanted.

It was time to roll the dice.