Hello! It's been a REALLY long time, and Im sorry but hey! in that time, more drama for this autobiography has come up so... ENJOY!
Disclaimer: I Do Not Own One Tree Hill, Or The Music Used
Chapter Ten: You Don't Love Me
"So..." Faith started as she walked down the road with me. "He didn't say anything?" she questioned. She couldn't believe it, I could tell. Then again, who would believe it? When we weren't together, Nathan and I were so in love and now when I finally decide that nothing else matters, he decides, everything else matters.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. I was afraid to speak, because I knew how I probably sounded. My voice was high and broken because of the pressure in my throat. "What should I have done differently?" I tried to justify. I finally looked at Faith. It was cold outside and the wind was blowing our hair every which way. She used her hand to keep her hand back and then stared at me. She shivered and I felt bad for insisting that she come out for a walk with me. But the walls of my house were eating me up and I was so afraid of myself.
"I..." She tried. She sighed, defeated, and I felt terrible again. I was begging everyone else to answer my questions, to tell me what to do because I was so afraid of figuring it out on my own. I didn't want the truth to hit me in the face, because that happened to me before, and it hurt too much. "I'm sorry, I don't know how to help you." She whispered. I nodded and smiled, then continued walking with her.
"Things can't keep going like this? Right?" I tried to be positive, trying to take deep breaths and wanting terribly to get my life back together. "I mean... things really suck for me right now." I actually laughed. I was unable to believe that things had gone from so normal to so bad. "It'll get better right. God, just tell me it'll be okay." All my life I never thought that when someone said things would be fine, it help to cheer you up. But I really needed to hear things would look up, that they'd be fine. But it wasn't there. I knew Faith was trying, but what I was looking for wasn't in her face. But I knew it wouldn't be. There was only one person who could save me now. But he didn't want to.
"He'll be home." She whispered to me. He'd be home. Two days ago, I would have thought that Nathan coming home would be the best thing that ever happened to me, but now, what did it matter? If he came home, it wouldn't make a difference, because he didn't love me.
"Can I come in?" I asked as I knocked on David's door.
"Yeah..." He answered. I swung open the door and stood there in shock. He was sitting on his bed, contentedly rolling a bunch of green fibers into a neat joint. My mouth fell open with shock but he was too busy to even remember I was there. "What the hell!" I gasped.
He laughed at me and went on to the next one. "Been talking to Nathan?" He asked me. I was staring at him, quickly rolling up his joint.
"Ah..." I tried to answer, but I was still getting distracted by my brother's talent. "No." I finally got out. "You're really good at that." I admitted.
"It's a gift." He laughed. He reached under his bed and pulled out the box to his game cube. Within this box, the most unsuspecting place, he pulled out another bag of marijuana. "I heard you crying last night." He continued, as if what he was doing wasn't a big deal, he was in his bedroom for Christ's sakes! And at this moment, his door was wide open. My parents were actually home today.
"Yeah... sorry about that." I sighed. I shoved my hands into me pockets and kept watching him. He was remarkably good at what he was doing.
"Please don't get involved with him. Or Chris." He warned me. He rubbed his hands in his jeans and stuffed his box of stuff under his bed. I couldn't help but wonder how long that had been there, and where he got the money for it. "They're going to hurt you." He said flatly.
"Dav-" And he disappeared out the door, one joint in hand. I heard the front door slam shut and I was stuck there, staring at that box under his bed. I was wondering if he'd care if I just happened to borrow some. I seriously considered it. But shrugged and walked away, trying to resist.
"He don't love me." I whined to Taylor over the phone. I heard her sigh. I felt like I was repeating these words over and over today. I knew I was, because I still didn't believe it. He didn't love me. I needed myself to believe it, so I could get it over with. But I couldn't get it over with.
"I don't believe that for a second!" She reassured me. I must have really fallen this time, because I never talked to my sister about these sorts of things. She was in her early twenties, and never once was in a real relationship.
"Believe it... I told him how I felt, he couldn't return it." I was surprised with myself. I didn't cry this time. There was no point. Crying wasn't going to being him home, and it sure as hell wasn't going to change the way Nathan felt about me.
"What exactly did he say?" Taylor tried to pick it apart.
"He said... nothing... not about that anyways." I answered.
"Did he say, 'Haley, I'm sorry, I don't love you...'?" She tried to justify.
"No..."
"WELL! THERE YOU GO!" She squealed happily. "THERE'S STILL HOPE! Hales, I know that boy loves you... David has told me." I scoffed with surprise. David told Taylor that Nathan loved me. That was something crazy, but definitely not true. I was sure, Nathan Scott did not love me.
"Hey..." I heard him breathe into the phone. I could picture him in that moment, smiling sexily as he laid on his couch. I really didn't think I would have enough strength to ever speak to him again, but I had surprised myself. As soon as my cell phone buzzed and I saw his name on my ID, I almost tripped over myself answering it.
"Hey..." I sighed with a little relief. I had been terrified that he wouldn't talk to me, after finding out how I felt about him. Even after how angry I had been with him in the past few days, just hearing him talk made me feel amazing.
"How are you?" He asked sincerely.
"I'm alright, you?"
"Okay..." I heard him mumble. There was suddenly a change in the way I pictured him, caused by the sadness in his voice. Now, when I thought of him, I saw him sitting on his couch, with his head in his hands.
"What's wrong?" I struggled out, afraid that something terrible may have happened. My heart raced to my throat and I couldn't help but panic at the thought of him being upset.
"Nothing..." He whispered. But his voice sounded as if he were tempted to say something else, though I didn't want to force it out. I dropped back on my bed and twisted my hair into a sloppy bun while I balanced my phone on my shoulder. "How was your day?" He changed the subject.
"Not good..." I sighed.
"Peyton still being a bitch?" He asked knowingly.
"Uh huh..." Our conversation was so flat, but just the silence between us was so personal and comforting, I just wanted to lay back and fall asleep with him breathing on the other line.
"Anything I can do?" His voice shook as he asked, as if my pain actually hurt him. But why would it? He didn't love me. But his concern broke me down and I had to bite my lip to stop it from quivering. I let out a long shaky sigh and heard him gasp at the sound of me crying.
"Come home?" I offered.
"I wish I could. But it's too late now." He answered me. "I've got a house and a job, a life!" He argued before I could start. I didn't bother to say anything more.
"Wanna hear something funny?" He finally spoke up through the silence.
"'kay..." I mumbled, wiping away a few stranded tears
"Haley..." He sighed. "Stop it..."
"Stop what?" I was almost angry.
"Being sad... I won't be gone forever, I'll be home for a visit sometime..." He groaned.
"What does that matter?" I blurted out, "It's not like you love me!"
"Oh..." He said in shock, "Hales..."
I see the blue in your eyes As you fight back the tears
Baby what are you hiding?
I catch a glimpse of the truth
And it don't look good, no
I feel the ground fall away
And choke the words
You don't love me I thought that I really knew There's nobody else You've shattered my heart How could we get so close You've shattered my heart
You can't say it
After all this time
You don't want me
You can't mean it
Tell me your lied
Yesterday everything
Seemed so ok
How can it be that today
You don't love me?
Who you were, baby
But now my world is a mess
And I'm going down
I can't bear to believe
The reason is...
And you've left it for dead
The truth is I've been misled
You don't love me
And end up as strangers?
How could something so good end up like this?
And you've left it for dead
The truth is I've been misled
You don't love me
That song was You Don't Love Me- Stephanie McIntosh... amazing song... and trust me, I may end up using a few of her songs because she's amazing! anyways, leave a review... thank you:)
Michelley P.