Bella tries to discuss life after her transformation, Emmett hijacks the conversation.

A rather silly Cullen family conversation that insisted on being written.

Set during Eclipse before the compromise.

2006

Emmett

"What's it like?" she asked. She turned her big brown eyes on us all questioningly, purposefully ignoring the disgruntled look on her boyfriend's face.

"Transformation?" Esme asked quietly. Bella shook her head. No, she had already been given a very clear idea about the painful fires that she would suffer through as part of the transformation she would soon be undertaking. And none of us wanted to talk about that – it was hardly anyone's favourite memory.

"No, waking up," she said quietly.

"A lot nicer than transforming," I told her with a smirk.

"Weren't you confused?"

"Nope." I purposefully popped the 'p', just to annoy Eddie boy.

"Emmett," he said sternly, glaring at me. Edward always was amusing in a temper. "You thought you'd been apprenticed into a harem of mixed sex angels."

All my family turned to stare at me incredulously then. Even Rosalie looked confused for a second, before her face settled into the 'I have to put up with this idiot' look, as my siblings had nicknamed it. I did not appreciate the nickname, surprisingly enough.

"What? It's plausible," I defended, knowing it was useless.

"No," Jasper informed me with faked sombreness, shaking his head. "It's not."

"A harem of mixed sex angels?" Alice repeated with a smirk. "What exactly did you think you were going to have to do?" She was only asking the question for the sport of having me answer in front of everyone.

"Well, Alice, usually in a harem one-" I began but was cut off by Carlisle. Spoilsport.

"Yes, Emmett, we all know what a harem is. And I think we can all work out what a male in a harem would do," he said tiredly. He pointedly glanced over at Bella. Like an eighteen-year-old in this era hadn't heard much worse. Or done much worse if their boyfriends weren't turn-of-the-century prunes. I didn't even need to look at Edward to know he was glaring at me again.

"But whose harem did you think it was?" Alice asked. Edward's smirk became more pronounced - I was certain he was planning how to get me back for the prune comment. I glanced over to look at my parents, who seemed to be trying their best to ignore our conversation.

"God's," I answered simply. Though I bet the little psychic pixie already knew the full answer and was trying to get me to announce it. Well, I wasn't going to play her game.

My wife, however, gave me away.

"Didn't you think Carlisle was God when you first woke up?" she asked innocently. Innocent my arse!

Alice and Jasper burst out laughing. Edward was still smirking, the annoying little know-it-all. Bella looked vaguely confused but was smiling. Carlisle looked like he didn't know whether to be amused or disgusted, while Esme was having a hard time hiding her own amusement.

"So what?" Jasper asked. "Did you think you and Carlisle were going to have to-"

"Jasper!" Carlisle scolded.

"I was just asking," he stated with false sweetness. He suddenly looked thoughtful. "Weren't Edward and Rosalie there, too?"

Beside me, my wife shuddered. She turned to stare angrily at me. "Tell me you never thought that I…" she let the end of the sentence hang, obviously not wanting to finish it.

"No, of course not," I said quickly.

"Really?" Edward asked.

Shut it! I thought threateningly. There's plenty of things I can tell Bella about you.

My brother, however, chose not to shut his blood hole (since it was hardly a cake hole). "Because I distinctly remember you looking at Rosalie and wondering if only God was allowed to touch the angels."

"No," Rosalie said waspishly. "God is not allowed to touch the angels."

Carlisle opened his mouth to make a reply and then promptly shut it again, deciding against it.

"What Carlisle was going to say was he had no desire to touch any angels, thank you," Alice informed us all, mimicing Carlisle's rarely used sarcastic tone.

"That's actually good to know," Rosalie replied, surprising us all by her lack of temper. "What?" she asked scathingly. "Where you expecting me to want to be part of Carlisle's harem?" She shuddered again, theatrically. We all laughed at that, except Bella who was sat there staring at us all open-mouthed. I don't think she had ever seen our family quite like this before.

"Any angels?" Esme questioned, turning on her husband. The look she gave him was a perfect mix of hurt indignation and resentment. We all know she was acting.

"Except you, dear," he quickly amended, kissing her.

"Better," she said smugly. "Now, if we could move the conversation on from my husband having a mixed sex harem of angels, please."

"Sure," I said. This time it was my turn to smirk over at Edward, while carefully reciting yesterday's football results. Alice give a little squeak of amusement as I'm sure she saw what I was about to say.

"Emmett," Edward growled warningly.

I focused on Bella, who was watching me with worried intrigue. I directed my question at her.

"Who wants to hear all about the time Esme walked in on Edward masturbating?"

I warned you there was plenty of things I could tell her about you.

"Emmett! For the last time. I. Was. Not. Masturbating. I was getting dressed!" I loved getting Edward to the point where he threw a hissy fit. Having Bella watch it was an added bonus.

"Yeah." I drew the word out disbelievingly. "And Esme just happened to walk in when your cock was out!"

"Emmett!" Esme sent me a warning look. I sat back, ready to watch the scene unfold. Sweet little Bella was looking at her boyfriend as though she'd never seen him before.

"But you, you never," she stammered. "You're always so… controlled."

"Because I have to be, love," he told her.

"But when your by yourself," she continued.

"There's no need," Jasper chimed in, grinning manically at his brother.

"Again. I. Was. Not. Masturbating," Edward said forcefully.

"You know, son, it's perfectly normal to-" I wasn't certain if Carlisle was winding him up or just going into doctor mode. I hoped it was the former, nothing better than reaching the point where even Carlisle was teasing Edward. (Getting Esme to join in though, was the true high point.)

"Ugh, can I not have this speech again, Carlisle?"

"Again?" I echoed gleefully, alongside Alice and Jasper.

"Again?" Bella squeaked a few seconds later.

Edward did not look pleased with himself. Someone was going to be having a very interesting conversation with the girlfriend tonight. And judging by the way Carlisle was watching him and Bella disapprovingly, with our father as well.

"Can we please talk about something else?" he asked. Bella was still staring at him, wide-eyed.

"What if I want to talk about this?" she asked stubbornly.

"You really should discuss things like this together," Esme told them. Carlisle nodded his approval at her words.

"Why, did you two?" I asked. Carlisle had been alone for over two hundred years, surely he had to have snuck one out at some point.

"I just meant sex in general," Esme answered aversively. "It's good to discuss these things as a couple."

Edward grimaced at her. He then turned his grimace on our father, who I could only assume was adding to the conversation mentally.

"Or we could just accidentally nearly have sex in an office, that works as well, right?" he asked, sweetly. Overly sweet. The smirk was back. I much preferred it when it wasn't aimed at me.

Now everyone was gaping at the pair of them. If they had been human they would have been bright red by now. Esme was trying to hide her face in Carlisle's shoulder.

"I, well," Carlisle stammered. "I don't like nicknames!" he protested.

"I'll make sure to remember that," I replied with a grin.

"He particularly likes to be called-" I don't know what Carlisle must have thought at Edward then, but he shut up quickly enough.

"So this has been an interesting Cullen family conversation, as always," I commented jollily. I looked over at Bella, still staring at us all in open-mouthed shock. "Welcome to the family, lil sis," I said with a smile. "Aren't you happy to join us?"

She just gaped a little longer, before smiling. No, smirking. She picked that smirk up from her bloody boyfriend. "Depends," she said slowly, as if she was really chewing over the words. She looked round at us all, conspiringly. "You're not really a harem, are you?"

We all smiled at her then. Yes, she was definitely a part of this family now.

"Well, Bella, the thing is-" Carlisle began with a grin.

"NO!" everyone else but Esme shouted over us. She was just laughing at her husband's antics.

"Good to know," Bella replied with a grin. "I should be getting home," she said to Edward, standing up.

"Of course, love," he agreed.

Have a fun conversation, I thought after him as they left. In a movement too quick for Bella to see, he flashed the finger at me. I snorted at that. I could count on one hand the numbers of times I had managed to make Edward that angry. And three of them were to do with the masturbation incident.

"I really wish you wouldn't bring that up," Esme sighed once they had left. "I only said it looked like he was. And I was talking to Carlisle."

"Super-sensitive hearing comes in useful," I commented with a grin. "And what did you threaten Edward with to get him to shut up like that?" I asked Carlisle. "Whatever it is, can I use it?"

"Us too," Alice and Jasper chimed in.

"I've never felt Edward so apprehensive," Jasper commented.

"No," Carlisle replied simply.

"Why not?" I asked.

"It's a special paternal piece of blackmail," he informed us calmly, though he was trying his hardest not to smirk and his eyes were glittering mischievously. A very un-Carlisle-like look

"Oh," Esme said, eyes wide in understanding. "That."

"Is really annoying," I added.

Carlisle shrugged. "Edward just doesn't appreciate some of my speeches."

"Basically, he's a baby who doesn't want a sex talk," Rosalie summarised acidly.

I laughed heartily. "Now I know what to threaten him with!" I remarked gleefully.

"No," Carlisle and Esme said sharply. I hate when they do the in sync parenting thing.

"Well, he does need one," Alice commented. She shared a significant look with our parents.

"What?" I asked. "It's not like he'd dare touch Bella!" Beside me, Rosalie scoffed.

"As much fun as discussing Edward's sex life, or lack thereof, is," Jasper commented dryly.

"So?" Alice asked, her eyes back on me. She was grinning her mischievous elf grin. "Harem of angels?"

"Angel," Esme corrected, her eyes pinned on her husband.

Carlisle chuckled. "Of course, dear. There's only one angel in my life."

Random, I know! This is what happens when you write fanfic in the early hours of the morning!

Still, reviews are greatly appreciated!