King Rat: Deep Water

Author Notes: The more I go back through this, I realize it's just as much about Hakkai and Gojyo's friendship as anything between Gojyo and Sanzo. Hurrah for platonic (?) friendship! (Platonic here, at least...)

Disclaimer: The characters of Saiyuki are not mine.

7A: The Sensation of Life

SLAP!

"Repeat that for me, please." Hakkai smiled his usual smile as Gojyo rubbed his sore cheek. Goku and Sanzo, appalled and indifferent (respectively) watched from over their campfire and their card games, but looked back down before Hakkai could see them watching.

Hakkai had driven due south for hours solid, only stopping when Gojyo muttered a complaint of hunger. And yet, he had been happy to be sitting in the Jeep again instead of curled up on the cell cot, and smelling the smoke from Sanzo's cigarettes instead of his own sickness and the dank mildew of the castle basement. He was even happier that Hakkai had a jar of kimchi- "and just for you," he'd added, as Goku gagged at the smell- and that he'd kept an entire meal down with Hakkai nursing him through the nausea. Hakkai had nearly exhausted himself with his qigong, as all the work he'd done on Gojyo had been undone with six weeks of neglect, but he still found the energy to examine Gojyo more closely after their meal. He'd also asked Gojyo to tell him everything, including what Yaone had meant by "mistreating yourself."

"I-I said-" Gojyo spit blood, realizing he'd bit his lip at the first blow. "I refused their stupid medicine. I thought they'd make me pay 'em back for it, or it was fuckin' poison or somethin'-" And Hakkai wound back to slap him again. Gojyo blocked it this time and threw his palm back with his wrist. "Come on, man, if I knew you were gonna hit me, I would'a stayed in the cell!"

"No, you wouldn't." Hakkai massaged his temples between his forefinger and thumb and sat down on his camp seat. "But, from what you're telling me, outside of locking you up and refusing to let you go, they treated you fairly well."

"Well, they fed me and stuff." Gojyo folded his arms. "But I didn't appreciate the 'bein'-locked-up' bit."

"Of course not. You're a free spirit, aren't you?" Hakkai giggled, and Gojyo slouched in his chair.

"Somethin' like that." The shadows on the ground were narrow, like cast by light coming in under a locked door. He traced little circles on the sides of his midsection- the baby had become incredibly active after Hakkai had smacked him, presumably from the adrenaline rush. He sat back, but almost slid off the stool. "Ah- damn!" He scooted himself forward, balancing on his heels. Hakkai had jumped up to catch him, and instead patted his back, but Gojyo could feel the chi still flowing out of him. He also felt better, healthier, every time Hakkai touched him, so he couldn't complain.

"The good news is, the baby feels perfectly healthy- just as much as before, absolutely abundant with chi. It's actually nice." Hakkai returned to his seat, folding his hands between his knees. "We spend our days surrounded by death and misery, leaving a trail of bodies in our wake, and now you're creating life. It's an odd inversion of the balance, that it's so difficult to create life and so easy to take it, and yet normally, one is much more frequent than the other." He chuckled softly, the firelight illuminating his genuine, affectionate smile. "But you're overflowing with life. You're even starting to get that new-mother glow."

"What?" Gojyo raised his brow, and looked himself over. He was still wearing the same dirty clothes he'd worn for weeks- though he'd tried to rinse them in his basin, it had been a futile effort without soap- and he was streaked with dirt and dust, his hair stringy and greasy. Hakkai seemed to take his meaning with his usual soft smile.

"It's not in your physical appearance. It's more in your aura than anything else." He glanced to the other two. "Goku, you noticed, right?"

"Huh? Uh, yeah." Goku shuffled around on his seat, and hid the playing cards in his hand against his chest. "It's like there's happy coming out of you." Sanzo kicked his shin.

"Pay attention." Sanzo blew a ring of smoke around his closely-guarded hand. Goku snapped back around, and put a few cards down. Gojyo still seemed less than amused.

"I don't feel especially happy."

"It's not you. It's him." Hakkai gingerly tapped the top of the bump. "He's happy to be alive. It shows through you- like I said, it's overflowing."

"The only thing I'm overflowing with is piss- yeah, gimme a minute on that." He rocked up to his feet, catching his balance with his hand on his middle, and waddled a few meters from the campsite to privacy of the darkness.

"You do that!" Hakkai went to Hakuryu's trunk, and started yanking out sleeping bags. "But maybe a decent night's sleep, a bath, and some clean clothes will help you see it." He unzipped two of the sleeping bags and lay them atop one another. Gojyo returned to see him zipping the bags together.

"Bro, what're you doing?" He watched as Hakkai folded the bags over, and got to his feet.

"I'm certain your back will appreciate the extra padding. So, I will sleep in the Jeep." He displayed the quadruple bag to Gojyo and beamed. "Once we get to town, I'll be sure to get you a camp seat with a back to it, as well." Gojyo scratched the back of his head, ignoring the blush in his cheeks.

"You... don't have to."

"I want to. After all, if you're not taking good care of yourself, I will." Hakkai's sweet smile made his offer earnest, and Gojyo reluctantly sat himself on the mat on the ground. He could still feel the ground through all the layers of sleeping bag, but it was better than just one bag. Hakkai sat by on the camp stool to join in the card game, and Gojyo lay himself down.

Even in the midst of the cracked desert and the dead air, Gojyo couldn't be happier to be there. Surrounded by familiar faces, with the warmth of friendship to bear out his discomfort. Even the "life" he was told he was "abundant" with made him feel complete in a way he couldn't really describe.

As happy as Gojyo had been to just be back with his friends, he was even happier when they finally reached a town the next afternoon. "Food and clothes and a bath!" He had been excited almost out of his mind when he saw the buildings through the rising dust and the steam of the achingly hot sun, bouncing in his seat like Goku when he saw a waiter coming with his tray. Sanzo had scoffed and told him to "stop being obnoxious," and even Goku nudged him in the ribs with his elbows.

"Quit it, you're shaking the car!" He gave Gojyo an uncharacteristically grouchy glare, and Gojyo forced himself to settle.

"Ugh." He held his stomach- halting the motion so quickly had made all the liquid in his middle slosh. That's a new one. It happened again when Hakkai pulled the Jeep to a stop outside of the town, but Gojyo managed to hide the disgust and discomfort into his hand this time.

"Just like we discussed last night, Goku." Hakkai patted his shoulder as he got out of the car. "Gojyo, you're staying here." Sanzo got out with Hakkai, and the two started towards the town. Gojyo squinted as they started to fade from view in the dust.

"What the hell?"

"We gotta wait for them so you don't, uh, 'make a scene.'" Goku sighed and put his feet up on the console between the two front seats. Gojyo understood; he was unwashed and smelled distinctly of his own sweat and grime, not to mention he would draw a lot of unwanted eyes in his current state.

"This is gonna be rough, isn't it?" He kicked his feet up onto the console next to Goku's and rested his hands behind his head. "S'gonna be hard to hide this from folks."

"Yeah, 'bout that." Goku glanced over at him. "Hakkai and Sanzo were talkin' about that after you went to sleep. Sanzo says he doesn't want you walkin' around in broad daylight anymore."

"He ain't gonna stop me." Gojyo closed his eyes to shade them from the bright sun overhead.

"Hakkai was talkin' about stopping moving. He says traveling with you's gonna be tough."

"We can't stop just for my sake. We got more important shit to worry about than me." This statement caused Goku to look up and sit upright.

"Wait, for real?" Goku leaned over Gojyo, nose close to his forehead.

"What?" Gojyo let one eye slide open.

"You're serious with that? You're the most important person! At least to you," he added, before Gojyo got the wrong idea. "You're always on about 'great me' and how much everyone loves you- you'd never think the mission was more important than you!"

"It's more important to-" His lips hung open mid-thought when he realized where that sentence was going. His eye slipped shut again. "Uh, the rest of you."

"I dunno. I think Hakkai cares more about you and the baby than getting to India. And if I had to choose..." Goku rubbed his chin, and smiled. "Well, I guess stopping for a little while to take care of the baby won't hurt. We've got a lot more driving to do anyway, I wouldn't mind a vacation!"

"Except it wouldn't be a vacation." Gojyo let his eyes half-open, blinking at the azure center of the sky. "We'd get chased there by youkai assassins all the time, and the townspeople wherever we are will get hurt and kick us out, and you guys are gonna get really fuckin' tired of covering my useless ass."

"Aw, Gojyo, don't talk like that." Goku let his head fall onto Gojyo's chest, and Gojyo shoved him off.

"I dunno. Maybe I-" He halted his sentence again, but he thought the rest of it: Maybe I was better off out of the way. Maybe you all were too.

Hakkai returned with a few buckets of water hooked on his arm and a sheet, confirming Gojyo's assumptions. He got out of the car and stripped his shirt off, and rolled his eyes as Hakkai dumped the cold water onto him. Dirt and dust rolled down his face, draining through his hair, but it didn't wash away the disgrace of being so disgusting. He looked to Hakkai for some semblance of approval or disapproval, but Hakkai's smile told him nothing. It didn't help the insecurity that was taking root in his mind. Yet, as the water rolled down his chest, he at least felt the relief of cleanliness. Gojyo finally grinned as Hakkai lifted a second bucket, and decided it was enough for now to be cared about.

Once Gojyo's skin was no longer streaked with mud and sweat, Hakkai wrapped the sheet around him to dry him off and cover him. Gojyo didn't even have to look to realized Goku had gotten rid of the tunic he'd been wearing, and he was sure the pants would vanish the second he removed them. Hakkai, however, made no mention of it, just asking, "Do you think you can walk the rest of the way in?" Gojyo shrugged. Hakkai touched the Jeep's hood, and the Jeep became Hakuryu and tucked himself into Hakkai's sash. "Then let's be on our way."

Gojyo's strength held out the half-kilometer walk, and he was happy to finally able to stretch his muscles. Each weary sinew ached from the atrophy, but it was a good soreness. By the time they met Sanzo at the inn, he was leaning on Hakkai's shoulders to keep from collapsing. Sanzo had waited for them in the tavern, and flagged the waitress down to bring menus. Gojyo didn't even care that he was wearing a blanket as he devoured his kimchi and pork. He didn't care about the stares he was getting. The happiness was back, though he wasn't quite sure why. I guess I just missed this. He glanced over the table at Sanzo, who was perusing the newspaper and spooning mayonnaise onto his green beans. Even that. Full and content, and not even a little nauseous, Gojyo dragged himself to the room he and Hakkai were going to share, and fell asleep almost before his head hit the pillow. He was just happy to be there, too happy to dream.

When he woke up the next morning, Hakkai was awake, dressed, and had clearly been up and about for hours. He was organizing something in his satchel, but shoved it away when he noticed Gojyo sitting up. "Good morning," Hakkai giggled, smiling at Gojyo as he sat up and rubbed his forehead. "Don't get up too fast- shaking yourself up will make you nauseous." He took a seat on the edge of Gojyo's bed. Gojyo took the chance to lean forward and peek at the satchel. He caught a glimpse of a dangling black sleeve- Clothes? Hakkai touched his forehead. "You've slept a long time. It's past eleven, you know. I was worried you were getting sick from the shock of going from that chilly basement to the heat, but you don't seem feverish." Gojyo shook his head, his mind still a bit too fuzzy to make speech happen, and Hakkai chuckled again. "It's okay, we're taking a day to rest anyway. I'll draw you a bath, you can eat-" he took a bowl of cucumber and grape salad from the bedside and set it near his hand- "And since you may not try on your new clothes until you're cleaner than they are, I'd recommend bathing once you're finished." Gojyo finally shook his head to get his senses, and beamed at Hakkai.

"You're fuckin' awesome, you know that?"

Hakkai left a towel on the back of the chair, and left Gojyo to eat and wake himself up, but not before warning; "Don't go through my bag. It's a surprise." He shrugged, and began to eat the salad. It had a sweet and salty dressing, and Hakkai had put some lavash crackers on the side so he could soak up the last of it off the bottom of the bowl. He couldn't, however, finish the portion- Yaone was right. Even though I want to eat this, there just isn't any room in me. He put it aside, regretting the slivers of cucumbers and sliced grapes left in the bottom half of the bowl. This is gonna start being a problem, isn't it?

He got to his feet, tilting his shoulders until he found his balance, and took the towel off the back of the chair. He wrapped it around himself just under his breastbone and trundled down the hall, hoping he looked like he was holding the towel out over himself and that there wasn't anything solid underneath. The large bathroom at the end of the hall was left open. He peered in, and could see the deep, barrel-shaped tub was full to the brim, with a layer of fruit-scented bubbles on top, making the room smell sweet, with an undercurrent of soap. A thin, long window lit the room, and with the sun at its current angle, light shafted in as a beam that made the water's reflection glimmer on the walls. Gojyo glanced behind him, closed the door and stripped his underwear off.

He slung the towel on the rack near the tub, and made his way up to the tub's edge. He tried to watch his feet around his belly so he wouldn't bump into anything- a harder task than he had initially anticipated- but hoisted his legs up over the tub wall one by one and slowly slid into the warm water, and leaned his back against the high walls of the tub. He was surprised that the bubbles didn't turn brown with the filth that surely still slid off of him, but it felt good all the same. He felt gravity loosen its grip on him, and spread his legs and arms out. This is so, so good. His joints loosened, tension washing out of him with the last of the dirt, and Gojyo folded his knees to sink deeper in, his chin touching the water, bubbles tickling his nose. Surrounded by water, the movements of his baby shuffling around in whatever he had that passed for a womb were amplified, especially since the warmth seemed to have woken the baby up. "Oof-" He winced when an elbow- or a foot, or something- landed on his full stomach, but chuckled a second later. "You're getting strong, huh?" Curiosity began to nibble at him, and he shifted his hands to explore the dome of flesh at his hips.

Gojyo often touched himself, which he mentally admitted with a chuckle, but so rarely did he do it like this. He traced each millimeter of stretched, taut skin with his fingertips, and chills ran through his bones. Even in the warm water, his belly felt hotter. A fire was burning inside of him, and now that he had his hands on it, it was stoked and burned hotter. Every movement from the inside was a spark in the kindling, a log catching and roaring into a blaze. He shivered, and tried to see through the fire to the creature living within him. Well, it's not a creature. It's a little person, isn't it? It had arms, and legs, and a mouth, nose, and eyes, he knew, and he imagined ten fingers and ten toes. He wondered what it all came together as, what-or who- this baby would look like, and if it was healthy.

Well, Gojyo decided, it's gotta look like him. After all, I'm sterile- this little bastard's probably all him. He sighed. I'm gonna have to live with a little clone of him for the rest of my life. Let's hope he doesn't catch his personality, too. He chuckled- it actually was a pretty funny mental image: a little tiny Sanzo that actually smiled. Bet he'll do cute shit, too. Splash his spoon in his cereal bowl, cut his own hair into a mohawk, be a total pain in the ass... But the health really was probably a bigger problem. I know Hakkai said the kid was good, but... still... For a moment, Gojyo regretted not listening to Yaone or taking the medicine, but he made himself dismiss it. I like a good surprise. Hakkai says the kid's healthy, I believe him. Nothing else matters.

"If you're going to make it, then I'm going to have to be a little bit more careful, huh?" He realized he was still talking to the baby. I only did that before because I was lonely, and it was better than talking to myself. After getting over the notion that he was either stupid or crazy, he realized that there was nothing wrong with it. I've been doing it all this time and I'm not crazy. And I know I ain't stupid. It felt completely natural, and Gojyo decided it probably wasn't entirely unhealthy. He glanced down and drummed his fingers on his front, unsure of what to say. "I mean, you can hear me, after all. Hakkai said so." He gave his middle a squeeze. "Besides, I promised you a hug when we got out." He felt a distinct kick in response, and smiled. "You really can, huh?"

"Gojyo, who are you talking to?" Gojyo froze in place when he heard Goku call from outside the bathroom.

"S-stupid monkey! What are you doing here?!" Gojyo sat stark upright, sitting up and folding his arms over his chest to keep them off his stomach. He wondered how much Goku had heard.

"Hakkai woke me up and asked me to guard the door." He paused, then leaned close to the door and whispered: "'Cept, I wanna take a bath while it's still hot! Gojyo, can I come in with you? I promise I'll still guard you." Goku sounded giggly and eager, and Gojyo imagined him rocking on his heels with his usual childish eagerness. He relented: he might as well be nice to the kid, he'd have one just like him soon enough.

"Whatever. I'm almost done anyway." Gojyo began to soap himself, as Goku bounced in, already naked with a towel around his waist. Oh, he knew I was gonna let him in! Gojyo scoffed as Goku dropped the towel and jumped right into the soaking tub, splashing water onto the floor.

"Aw, man, it's not even that hot!" Goku sighed, and dunked himself all the way under. Gojyo rolled his eyes and continued to rub himself with the soap. Goku stared at Gojyo as he pulled his leg up around his side to scrub his feet, until Gojyo gave him an icy look.

"Do you mind?"

"Mind what?" Goku blinked back at him, shrugging off his glare.

"I'm naked and you're staring at me." Gojyo sat back against the tub wall and scowled. "I don't like it when kids look at me like a piece of meat."

"I'm not a kid, and I'm just looking at how big little cousin's grown!" Goku grinned gleefully, and he spread his hands and wiggled his fingers. "I'ma touch 'im!" With no room to back away, Gojyo was trapped and Goku's hands landed on his taut middle. Goku promptly squeezed him like a ripe melon, then wrapped his arms around Gojyo's waist, holding his breath. Gojyo felt all the fire in him explode, his cheeks flushing hot.

"Don't touch me like that!" Gojyo shoved Goku off and dunked himself fully under to get the soap off, then he quickly jumped out and wrapped a towel around himself. Goku edged his eyes over the tub, still grinning like a shark during senior waterobics.

"Aww, but I had to see. You're just way bigger than a regular pregnant lady, cause I saw some of those, and they weren't as big as you." Goku took the soap, still smiling childishly as he started to lather up. "Plus, I've never felt a baby belly before. I wanted to feel it!"

Gojyo snorted, giving Goku a cold stare as he considered his words. Finally, he demanded, "Well, what did it feel like to you?"

"Really cool," Goku chuckled, and rubbed the soap in his hair. "It was like a barrel really full of fish, but like, the fish can't even move, cause it's so full!" He grinned a little wider. "And it was warm and firm like meat. I bet it'd taste good, too!" He sat upright with inspiration. "Can I bite it? I wanna see if it's meat or fish!" Goku bared his teeth in a wide, wide grin, and Gojyo laughed and backed away from him.

"Hell no! You ain't a cannibal!" He grinned back at Goku, but kept his distance all the same. Satisfied, he toweled himself off and strolled back out of the bathroom. Clean, rested, at peace, and headed for a new outfit, he couldn't think of a much better way to start his day.

Hakkai knocked on Sanzo's door, before tapping the door open and poking his head in. The priest was in the midst of his usual routine for rest and restock days- chain-smoking cigarettes while reading the morning paper. "I thought you'd be here." He smiled, but received no such courtesy in return. Hakkai continued. "You asked me to let you know when he woke up." Sanzo glanced at Hakkai over the top of his paper, raising an eyebrow. Hakkai smiled a little wider. "He woke up." Sanzo nodded to acknowledge him, and went back to his paper. Hakkai took a few steps into the room. "I'm surprised you asked, though. I never thought you got along well." Sanzo snorted quietly, not looking up, and Hakkai chortled to himself. "I suppose you pity him his situation. I suppose… becoming a parent unexpectedly can result in some unfortunate things." He lowered his gaze, sadness creeping into his expression. "After all, look at us. We are all orphans by some means."

Sanzo put his paper down and fixed Hakkai a with hard stare. He didn't like how Hakkai had paused, expecting him to respond.

"Think about it," Hakkai continued, and paced a half-circle around Sanzo. "I was abandoned, you were put in the river, and Gojyo was illegitimate and his parents... Well, you know." He shrugged his shoulders. "Don't be angry with me for saying so but if I didn't know better, I'd say you truly wanted to be sure Gojyo doesn't make good on his threats to send his little one the same path you took. Despite all appearances, you'd rather not see that happen to another child." Sanzo considered this for a silent moment, then reopened his newspaper to make clear to Hakkai that he was ignoring him. Hakkai giggled, high-pitched and oh-so-slightly nervous. "Well, I'd best check on him." He slipped out, leaving Sanzo to his paper. Sanzo lifted his eyes one more time as Hakkai left, then put his paper down and ran one hand through his hair, then rested his hand over his eyes. It had been a difficult conversation, even though he hadn't said a word.

Gojyo got back to the bedroom, and sighed when he realized the clothes he'd removed were gone completely except the towel wrapped around his hips. He spied the satchel, and flipped it open. He knew for sure there were clothes in there, but the bag seemed much deeper than he'd initially believed. He continued rifling through it, not hearing footsteps in the hall behind him. Hakkai spotted him, then tiptoed in, silently closing the door behind him. He leaned close to him and smiled over his shoulder. "Nice and clean?"

"Ah!" Gojyo gasped, and jumped back from the bag, stumbling over his legs. "Don't scare me, I swear to god, man-"

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to frighten." Hakkai placed his hands on Gojyo's shoulders to steady him, and Gojyo caught the towel and put both of his feet on the floor. Gojyo chuckled nervously- Hakkai still had a rather sinister air about him at times, though if Gojyo hadn't just been held prisoner, he might have laughed at being surprised. Hakkai, however, smiled a little brighter. "Ah, you smell nice! And your skin looks so bright and clean! Now, let me see here." Hakkai suddenly reached and grabbed Gojyo's middle.

"Hey! Goddamn it, get off me!" Gojyo snapped, jerking back. Hakkai cocked his head, puzzled.

"I thought you didn't mind when I touched you."

"I... I don't. I'd rather you asked first." Gojyo looked away, cheeks pink again. "Since when did havin' a baby in me give everyone permission to grab my gut?" Hakkai giggled.

"Then, may I?" Hakkai extended a hand again.

"Fine. Go for it." Gojyo slumped his shoulders and slouched. Hakkai folded his hands around Gojyo's abdomen like he was carrying a crystal ball. His palms curved to hold him, and Gojyo flinched- the skin was sensitive, and it tickled a little. Hakkai seemed to notice, and drew his hands away just enough to decrease the pressure. With that, Gojyo could relax, and closed his eyes as he let Hakkai's warm, firm palms trace him, leaving little bursts of qigong energy in their wake. "What're you doin'?"

"Ah, you noticed?" He turned his eyes up to Gojyo's for a moment. "To be frank, I'm reading again. It's the strangest thing- the little one's life force is so strong, but there seems to be something off, something I just can't place my finger on." Gojyo frowned, but didn't stop Hakkai. Hakkai hummed to himself as he worked, while Gojyo waited for him to explain. He didn't. Instead, settled his hands at the very base of his pubic bone, cupping the swell, thinking for a moment, then withdrew his hands and fixed a sharp look on Gojyo. Gojyo shivered; it was one of those even, parental gazes, that never failed to make him feel uncomfortably like a child.

"What's wrong?"

"That's just the thing. I'm not sure." Hakkai rested his index finger on his lower lip for a moment. "You've just gotten so big." Gojyo snorted and put a scowl on, but Hakkai waved his hands in front of him. "Not that there's anything wrong with it! It's just- your basal height- it's more distinct than ever that you're measuring like you're a few weeks ahead of where you should be. Are you sure you can't tell me when you conceived?" Gojyo winced, and shook his head. "I see. Can you at least tell me whether or not I'm right in assuming you're at about 27 weeks?"

"I guess. I dunno." Gojyo realized then that he hadn't counted. Hakkai's smile tilted to show a hint of dismay.

"I'm open, whenever you're ready to talk." He clapped his hands together. "Now that you are clean, you can try your new clothes."

"I'm game." Gojyo stepped back as Hakkai opened his satchel.

"I did not know what would suit you, since you could not go with me when you clearly needed some sleep. I chose two articles, along with underclothes, that I thought would fit you well and serve our purpose." He laid a few things down, and dug a little deeper. "Once you're dressed, we can get you a few more things just so you have some variety." Hakkai yanked a small laundry bag from his satchel and tossed it to Gojyo. Gojyo opened it, to find a few pairs of black boxer briefs. He tossed the towel aside and yanked one on, and grinned.

"Heh, awesome. Fat guy pants." He patted his belly as he worked the waistband up around his navel, then rested his palms on his hips. "They're nice, but unless you want me to go around like this, you gotta have something else. What did you pick out for me?"

"Well, for now, I have two options for you." Hakkai held up two articles of clothing, and Gojyo looked mortified at both.

"You have lost your fucking mind!"

"Quiet down," a low, dangerous voice ordered from the door. Gojyo hadn't heard Sanzo come in, but he now hung in the doorway and was glaring in at Hakkai and Gojyo, as Gojyo looked at his new clothes. Gojyo looked at Sanzo for a split second, then glared back to the outfits Hakkai had selected. Hakkai giggled nervously.

"This was all I could think of for now. We can always go find something else once you're dressed, but for now-" Hakkai held a black, long-sleeved, shapeless, baggy linen maternity-sized frock in one hand and an overly large black monk's robe with a royal blue sash in the other. "This dress, though not especially feminine, is designed for a woman with child." He displayed the robe. "And, present company excluded, it's common for monks to become somewhat rotund after years of meditation, much like certain depictions of the founder of the religion."

"Your fashion taste is way off, dude." Gojyo folded his arms, peeved. "I'm not a cross dresser, and I'm definitely not a holy man. I can't wear those." He stood firm, but Hakkai continued to smile.

"Your only other option is to go naked."

"Give me the damn robe." Gojyo groaned and accepted the article from Hakkai, and pulled the robe on. Sanzo looked away, glowering at the floor, as Gojyo temporarily became a Buddhist monk. He tied the sash around him, and looked at Hakkai. "What do you think?" Hakkai looked Gojyo up and down, and a soft giggle slipped between his tightly smiling lips. The robe fit, but the sash, tied under the bump, made him look a little bigger than he was. That was not, however, the major issue. Hakkai looked at Sanzo in his plain muslin robes, then Gojyo in his black robes, and started to laugh openly. Both Gojyo and Sanzo rolled their eyes as he tried hard not to laugh. It didn't work, and he had to lean against the wall, laughing uncontrollably at poor, unholy Gojyo's expense. Gojyo sighed and ripped the sash off. "Fine. Dress." He yanked the robe off and tossed it at Hakkai's face, muffling his cackling.

"I can die happy now." Hakkai managed to stop laughing and folded the robe up. "It fits, so I'll see if I can't make it a coat for when the weather gets chilly, but for now, here." He passed the dress to Gojyo. Gojyo pulled it on over his head, and smoothed it down. He turned around once, and checked his reflection in the window. The frock was loose enough to completely contain his bump, with plenty of room to grow, and with baggy sleeves and a fairly high neckline, it was almost like an oversized shirt. However, because it fell to his ankles, it was distinctly a dress. To both Hakkai's and Sanzo's surprise, they heard a sad sigh, as Gojyo tugged at the waist of the dress. He looked to Sanzo.

"Tell me I look ridiculous."

"You look ridiculous," Sanzo obliged, his eyebrows furrowed as he stared at Gojyo's feet. "But we won't have to make you pass as a woman if we can get a pair of pants that fit you." He turned his focus to Hakkai. "Cut the bottom off below the hips, and it's a shirt." He turned away, looking at the door frame again. "Until then, I won't be seen in public with you."

"You got a knife, or a pair of scissors?" Gojyo held out his hand, and Hakkai dug in his bag to find his scissors. Gojyo dug the blade into the dress and pulled it around, shredding it off just below hip level and effectively turning it into a tunic.

"That will do," Hakkai agreed, and he sat down on the bed and searched through his bag again. "Give it here, and I'll hem it so it at least looks neat." He pulled out a small sewing kit.

"Right." Gojyo pulled the shirt off and tossed it to him. "Did you chuck my spare clothes too, or we still got 'em?"

"They won't fit." Hakkai frowned. Gojyo pounded his fist into his palm.

"I'll make 'em fit 'til I find a pair that does." As Hakkai leaned over the bed to rummage for Gojyo's pack, neither of them noticed Sanzo, already rummaging in his pocket for his lighter, take his leave.

Hakkai handed Gojyo his pack, and Gojyo found one of his spare sets of breeches. As predicted, they did not fit, even less so than he thought possible. The zipper wouldn't even budge, and the thought of even making the button meet the hole was laughable. "You got any spare rope in that infinite bag there?"

"But of course." Hakkai paused in his sewing to retrieve a length of silk cord. Gojyo yanked it through the belt loops and tied it in a firm knot. It held, and Gojyo thanked his lucky stars that he'd left extra length on the tunic to cover the gap left by the open zipper.

"That'll work." He sat down beside Hakkai, and watched him work. Hakkai was quite deft with the needle, swiftly pulling it in and out in a very quick blanket stitch. "So, uh, did you guys really think you could pass me as a woman?"

"Hm? Oh, no." Hakkai shook his head, though he did not look away from the needle. "We were considering a few different options for how to make your, ah, condition a bit less noticeable- after all, Sanzo is publicly known, as is his mission, and none of us want to have to answer any difficult questions, especially those we don't have answers for." Gojyo lowered his head, and stared at the floor. Hakkai didn't seem to notice. "Goku floated that idea- you know, 'he's got long hair already, just give him some makeup and boobs!'" He tugged the thread tight, gathering the bottom into very slight pleats. "You'll be pleased to know Sanzo beat him for suggesting it."

"Heh." Gojyo grinned. "Yeah."

"There's a smile." Hakkai patted Gojyo's shoulder. "You were so despondent- especially for how happy you were earlier. I suppose the mood swings are rearing their ugly head."

"You mean my hormones are making me sad?" Gojyo looked down again. "Guess that's better'n the alternative."

"Which is?" Hakkai cocked his head curiously. Gojyo opened his mouth to answer:

"That I just realized Sanzo still doesn't give a shit about me. He didn't look me straight on even once, and I don't even know why I want him to." He shook it off and looked away. "That my life sucks."

"It does not." Hakkai handed the shirt to him, and he put it on and rolled the sleeves all the way up. "Things could be much worse. Like I've promised you, we are going to make this work."

"I know." Gojyo got to his feet. He still couldn't look Hakkai in the eyes. "Have you seen my shoes?"

Gojyo wasn't sure how Hakkai had gotten his shoes- he knew he'd lost one when Kougaiji and his party had kidnapped him, and Dokugakuji had taken the other- but it seemed a moot point now. He couldn't get them on. Bending over at the waist was not an option, since his waist didn't bend so easily. He sat on the bed and leaned to both sides, but while one hand could yank the boot up his ankle, he couldn't reach with the other to tie the laces. Hakkai watched as he tried to get on his back and lifted his leg over his head, but this was a futile effort- Gojyo knew it from Hakkai's giggling. He sat upright again, hair disheveled and a glare on his face. "If you've got time to be an asshole, you've got time to help!" Hakkai was still giggling as he got down to lace and tie Gojyo's boots. "You have no idea how fucking embarrassing this is!"

"Just remember, it's worth it." Hakkai glanced up and set his hand on Gojyo's side. Gojyo sighed, and dropped his scowl.

"Y-yeah."

"We'll get you some slip-on shoes so you don't have to be embarrassed by asking me for help." He smiled, and shifted his hand closer to Gojyo's breast, near the top of his stretched midsection. "There- did you feel that?"

"Of course I did." Gojyo brushed Hakkai's hand off. "He's been doin' that all morning."

"Just a reminder of why you have to tolerate all this." Hakkai leaned in and pressed his ear against Gojyo's middle, and Gojyo felt his whole body stiffen at his embrace. "Well!" Hakkai abruptly jumped up and dusted his knees. "Let's see if Goku's done bathing, and we can do a little more shopping."

"Right." Gojyo started getting back to his feet, but Hakkai held a hand out. He took it, and Hakkai pulled him up. "Man, do I need help with everything?"

"Don't be ashamed of asking for help. That's what friends are for, right?"

"Sure." Gojyo smiled, but Hakkai could see the exhaustion behind it- tired of dealing with the problems before him, weary from living life for two people. Hakkai put his arm around his shoulder, and Gojyo instinctively leaned against him. It was a kind comfort to Gojyo, but to the eyes watching from the hall, it felt like a slight.

Neither Gojyo nor Hakkai noticed the smell of cigarette smoke outside the door, nor Sanzo fleeing the rest of the way down the hall from where he'd eavesdropped the remainder of their conversation.

Once Goku finished in the bath, the party ate lunch together. Hakkai noticed that it was quieter than usual, or at least quieter than it should have been. He studied each of his party members, and discovered what didn't quite belong- Gojyo was reticent to talk, much as he had been. Hakkai could at least excuse it this time to his poor mood, but Goku seemed to notice it too:

"What's wrong?" Goku leaned over Gojyo's nearly-untouched plate. Gojyo shook his head.

"I can't eat. It's pissing me off." At this, Hakkai raised his hand to catch their server's attention.

"One to-go box, please."

After that, the foursome went out into the street market. It was a fairly large bazaar, and there was a great deal for all of them to do. Gojyo browsed through the haberdashery stalls, looking for pants that would fit around his hips with extra room, and Goku went to stare at a chunk of meat spinning on a spit, drooling. Sanzo stayed with Hakkai, and they kept Gojyo in their line of sight as Hakkai picked out groceries and other supplies. Sanzo didn't shop at all, instead smoking and staring at Gojyo like a hawk watching its prey.

Gojyo knew he was being watched, but he didn't much care. For the moment, he had been unleashed. Knowing he could walk where he wanted and do what he wanted was good enough. When Hakkai looked away from him to carry on conversation with Sanzo, he was sure he could have run as far and fast as he could and gotten wherever he wanted. I'm here because I wanna be. That's what's important. The freedom he had was hampered by the eyes on his back- not just Hakkai's, but unkind ones that watched his each motion and traced the curve of his figure. Guess I'd do the same if I saw me. I can't just pass this shit off as having a few too many beers. Not only was the unwanted attention starting to get to him, but his failure to find anything that really suited him was annoying. He found one stall that had clothes that looked like they would fit him, but just one look told him he wouldn't be allowed.

The stall clerk wore a pretty pink apron with a stork sewn on it, and the stall was dressed with paper chains shaped like diapers and bottles. One side of the stall had baby clothes, boxes of diapers, and bottles. The other had stacks of clothes that were definitely more his shape, if not necessarily his style. He couldn't resist, and picked up one of the frillier tops near the top of the stack. "This is the girliest shit ever," he chuckled to himself. It was, really- pink lace all the way across and vertically from the neck to the hem? A hot pink ribbon around the waist? A big white bow on the back? This is girlier than Hakkai's apron. He put it down and snickered, but heard another voice giggling along. His jaw locked when he realized the clerk had spotted him.

"Not your taste, right?" He forced a toothy grin as she approached, already pulling a tape measure from her pocket. "Not to worry- we have others!"

"Uh- uh-" He looked behind him for Hakkai, and saw that Hakkai and Sanzo had stopped a few meters away. Hakkai made a "scoot" gesture with his hands, indicating for him to stay. The clerk smiled sympathetically.

"Don't worry- we have options for women of all body types!" Gojyo nearly jumped out of his skin when the clerk closed in, a glint in her eye, and wrapped the measuring tape around his chest. "Boy, they're awfully small for how far in you are!"

"I don't even have those!" Gojyo tried to push her off, and she gasped, withdrawing, eyes wide and hands to her mouth in a pearl-clutching gesture. His stomach twisted. "Uh- What I mean is-"

"Oh, no, I understand! You're just so young to have had both of them removed!" Gojyo's mouth shut as she tucked her tape measure away.

Good enough.

"Yeah, uh, long story. Pretty severe injury." Without even noticing, he'd put his voice in a higher register- not a full falsetto, but he hid some of his gruffer tones. "I also really don't like girly stuff, and I need pants that fit right."

"Sure thing, right away!" She took him by the wrist and tugged him towards the changing area at the back of the stall. His eyes caught on a mannequin, and he leaned to her ear.

"Also- I wanna try that."

Sanzo and Hakkai both sighed as Gojyo vanished- one with contentment, the other with relief. "I guess he's getting over himself! After all, we'll be gone by this time tomorrow, who'll remember one odd guy shopping at the maternity store?"

"Hrmph." Sanzo tucked his arms into his sleeves.

"Ah, yes- as long as nobody knows he's with you, right?" Hakkai chuckled, but trailed off. Sanzo let the silence fester for a moment, then looked up at him.

"Oi." Sanzo paused, thinking for a moment, rephrasing his question in his mind, but he knew he had his attention. "It would be fair to say you love Gojyo. Correct?" He looked away. Hakkai chuckled into his cupped hand, and turned his attention back to the changing room.

"In a manner of speaking, yes." He put his hands behind his back. "Of course. He's my closest friend, and I love him like I would a brother." Sanzo raised an eyebrow when he looked back to Hakkai, but Hakkai continued to smile. "Is there any reason you bring this up?" Sanzo forced himself to look Hakkai straight on.

"Did you father his child?" Sanzo asked, staring through him. Hakkai's smile twitched, unnerved at Sanzo's heartless gaze.

"I did not." His smile faded, but his eyes were stern. "Unless I slept with him in an unremembered, uncontrolled state, I could not have." He turned away from Sanzo, escaping his icy eyes and silent glare. "And quite frankly, you would know if that child were mine." He rested his hands on his hips and let his gaze drift across the street. "I would have told you and Goku if I had fathered the child. In fact, I probably wouldn't shut up about it." He giggled. "I would be immensely proud, not to mention most excited to have a son or daughter I could call my own. But no." He turned his lips down, and his hands dropped to his sides. "I don't think I could ever fall in love with someone like Gojyo." Hakkai's gaze became distant, and Sanzo averted his eyes. He felt a twinge of guilt in his gray heart, but Hakkai brought his smile back and turned to Sanzo again. "Why do you ask?"

"He told me he only slept with one man, Hakkai," Sanzo replied, unable to bring his eyes to meet Hakkai's again. "I wanted to know if it was you."

"I see. It was not." Hakkai folded his hands behind his back, and faced the stall again, watching as Gojyo reached around the stall to grab another tunic. "I find it odd that he would admit to being so… inexperienced. After all, you know how he brags of his prowess with the ladies!" Hakkai laughed softly, then continued in a lower voice: "That he would confess to you that number of male partners means that whether or not it is true, he's either ashamed or tired of the way he is seen. Perhaps both." Hakkai shrugged. "Perhaps he does not wish to be seen as a philanderer anymore, to make a better impression on his child... or perhaps he just wanted to tell you. After all, he's not stupid. He knows you look down on him." Hakkai got on his tiptoes, trying (with limited success) to see into the fitting stall as Gojyo tried a few other things on. "So he'd rather you think he was good. My, if I didn't know better-" Hakkai put his hand over his mouth as he set his heels flat again. "I'd think he's come to view you with respect, and wants the same in return." Sanzo's eyes darkened as he stared at the ground, still unable to look at Hakkai or respond. He knew it to be true.

The truth could be terribly painful.

After finishing the shopping, eating some dinner, and checking the skies, the party was back on the open road that evening. While the party wasn't keen on traveling at night, Hakkai and Sanzo agreed that it would be best if they moved quickly westward to avoid their rivals.

"Somehow, I'm not certain Dokugakuji is finished with you," Hakkai suggested to Gojyo as he helped him into the back seat. Gojyo grunted as he settled into the seat.

"Whatever. Hey, we got any spare pillows? My back is killin' me."

"I'll see what I can do." Hakkai giggled and passed Gojyo his seat belt. "But you don't mind trying to sleep in the car, do you?"

"I'll sleep anywhere s'long as I don't have to see those assholes ever again." He glanced up at Hakkai. "Uh, when're you gonna sleep?"

"I'll sleep tomorrow, perhaps around breakfast." He patted Gojyo's back, then popped the trunk open to load his and Gojyo's bags. Gojyo had purchased quite a few things- two pairs of pants in a baggy, comfortable cut and a waistband that could accommodate the Buddha himself, and a few oversized tunics bought two sizes too large just in case. Hakkai had promised to take in the seams on the tunics to decrease the bust space, and to launder the lot when they next stopped. Gojyo had thanked him, as he always had when Hakkai did him favor after favor, but all this on top of skipping a night of sleep started to sound like way too much to Gojyo. He twisted around, still clutching the belt buckle.

"Bro, you don't-"

"I do." He smiled, and tossed a pillow over the seat to Gojyo. "I owe it to your brother to take care of you, including protecting you from him." Gojyo stuffed the pillow under his lower back, then buckled his seat belt.

"You're too good to me- bought me clothes, carried my shit, all this shit you've done... I can drive for a while tomorrow if you'd like."

"I don't think that will work." Hakkai finished loading the bags, leaving a space for Goku's pack, and crossed around to the front of the Jeep. He couldn't quite look at Gojyo as he explained: "The wheel shaft doesn't adjust." Gojyo's face fell, knowing exactly what he was implying.

I can't fit behind the wheel. Can't fight, can't run, can't drive. So, I'm completely useless.

It was at about that moment that Sanzo and Goku came out onto the street, Goku with all the bags and Sanzo with a fresh pack of cigarettes in one hand and his lighter in the other. The smell of smoke was heavier around him than usual, an iron ring looped around his brow, but it gave Gojyo some peace when he got in the Jeep and enveloped the others in his fog. Goku vaulted the Jeep door and landed on the seat, perching on the bench and bouncing.

"So, are we gonna have a car sleepover? Is that what this is?" Goku grinned, but Sanzo rolled his eyes and clambered into his seat himself.

"This is, 'we keep moving so we don't get killed.' I don't care what you do back there." Sanzo lit a fresh cigarette, and Goku settled in his seat.

"You're such a goddamn killjoy!"

"Yeah." Gojyo chuckled, to his own surprise. "Killjoy." Still, he adjusted the pillow under his back into the corner of the back seat bench and the console and leaned back into it, setting his knees at an angle but spreading them to stretch his thighs. With a deep breath, he took in the cigarette smoke that wafted into the air around them. Even as Hakkai started the Jeep and put it in gear, the smoke colored the atmosphere a warm, comfortable heather gray, and everything else might as well have been dust to him.

(Suggested Track: "Notion," Kings of Leon)

The Jeep got speed as they left the little town, and as the lights faded, all the stars became clearer. Gojyo watched them twinkle and blink down at him through the smoke from Sanzo's cigarette, until he noticed a new sensation.

"O-ow." He grabbed onto his middle- he wasn't sure what he was feeling, but it wasn't good.

"Eh?" Goku had fallen asleep shortly after the car had started, head tilted back and drool dripping from his gaping lips, but Gojyo's soft complaint had roused him. "S'wrong?" He sat up, sucked in a string of drool, and leaned towards Gojyo. "S'it the baby? S'it time?"

"No. Way too soon, stupid." He hissed- it wasn't pain, not exactly. Instead, it was a strange shuddering inside of him- the same jostling, sloshing feeling he'd felt when the Jeep had suddenly stopped the previous night. "It's moving, when the Jeep shakes. It's like a fuckin' Jello mold. It doesn't hurt, it's just really fucking weird." He shifted his back against the pillow, wincing again. "Makes it hard to get comfy."

Goku smiled, eyes still lidded and body swaying. "I gotcha. I can fix it." With that, he slumped onto Gojyo's front and hugged his middle. "S'okay, little cousin. Big cousin will be your special seat belt when the Jeep gets shaky."

"Hey! Get o-" Gojyo stopped, when he realized the extra support from Goku's embrace was helping. Goku was already asleep again, and Gojyo didn't feel the will to move him off. "Damn kid." He let a smile cross his face, and leaned his head back. The stars still shone down through the haze of smoke from the front seat, and he could feel the baby shifting against the weight on top of him. "It's just your big cousin, kiddo," he whispered down to it. The baby seemed to respond, and the shifting mass settled against his stomach. He chuckled- when it was still, it was almost soothing. The Jeep's sway against the road, the rumbling beneath them, the stars hanging above- this is the life.

As the moon began to sink under the horizon, both Goku and Gojyo were fast asleep in the back seat. Goku remained slumped over Gojyo, and Gojyo had fallen out with his hands resting on his middle. He wore a small smile even in his sleep, even with Goku's whole torso stretched over him and pressing into him. Smoke still billowed from both the exhaust and from Sanzo's mouth and nose- neither Hakkai nor Sanzo had rested for even a minute. He had spent the first hour devouring every article of the paper, lit by the cherry on his cigarette, and had spent the four hours ensuing reading them again and again, and occasionally glancing around it to the rear view mirror at the two in the back seat. Hakkai drove onwards into the lightless sky, and Sanzo finally dropped the paper to watch them without distraction. Then, he tapped Hakkai on the shoulder.

"Hmm?" Hakkai didn't look away from the road, but Sanzo nodded towards the back seat.

"I want to switch with Goku." He glanced at the mirror again. "He'll be sore if he sleeps like that all night."

"I see. You may." Hakkai downshifted and pulled the Jeep to a brake as delicately and softly as he could, and Sanzo got out. He lifted Goku from his seat, and placed him, still asleep, in the front seat, then belted him in. He slid in beside Gojyo. Gojyo grumbled, but didn't wake. Sanzo shut both doors, and Hakkai drove again. The rumbling of the engine lulled the passengers, but the raw motion made Gojyo start to chew his lip in his sleep. Sanzo watched his face, as his brow and cheeks pinched. His fingers, previously resting splayed across his stretched skin, now started to dig into it.

Is that thing giving you trouble?

Tears began to gather at the edges of Gojyo's eyes, unfettered by his conscious machismo, and his fingers plunged deep into the flesh. Sanzo stared at the rounded bulge of Gojyo's belly. Is this the problem?

He slowly reached one hand across the bench, brushing his fingers against Gojyo's knuckles, before laying his palm between Gojyo's hands.

This...

He could feel it- the sensation of life. This was the aura of a new life, sleepy but growing stronger by the second. It swam and turned in its dark cradle- but the cradle does rock. Sanzo shivered and closed his eyes, and put both palms on Gojyo's belly, and Gojyo stopped shaking. Sanzo dared open his eyes to look- the tears had ceased, his hands relaxed, his smile returned. The aura, however, was and had been as peaceful as Gojyo's expression. It was almost exactly as Goku had said- happiness flowing outward. It was pure sunlight against his cold hands. Sanzo shifted his fingers upwards, feeling the whole of Gojyo's middle. It was shifting and soft, yet rigid at the same time, the muscles taut under cushioned flesh. Sanzo rubbed it slowly, fingers tracing small circles, and it became ever more real. He was holding the world against his palms. There was new life sprouting under his hands.

His chest felt tight, his heart was pounding. These hands... They have never held life. He leaned close to Gojyo's face, trying to read his dreams and find answers for his unspoken questions, but none were apparent. He silently begged, hoping for something, some sign, some answer, but Gojyo opened his eyes. He scowled, and all Sanzo got was another question:

"What the hell are you doing?" Gojyo jerked back into the corner. Hakkai glanced around, but had to turn his attention back to the road. Sanzo kept a neutral expression.

"You were making weird noises. I was trying to shake your lazy ass awake so you could calm yourself down." Sanzo sat back down on his side of the bench and buckled his seat belt. Gojyo stared as Sanzo reached into his robe to extract and light another cigarette, and relaxed.

"Guess I ought'a thank you for that." He didn't, but instead stared out his side of the Jeep at the breadth of dark, featureless desert that extended for as far as he could see- anything but looking at the man on the other side of the bench. Sanzo did the same, glaring in the opposite direction. However, he heard Gojyo whimper for a second, cringing and holding his middle, and his eyes darted over his shoulder for a second.

No, he reminded himself, and looked out into the nothingness surrounding them again. Gojyo looked over his own shoulder, knowing he'd been heard, but looked away again, thinking the exact same as Sanzo.

They did everything in their powers not to look at one another, ignoring their hearts' pounding as much as they could.

End Notes: Someone once mentioned that I make Gojyo cry a lot, which is definitely not in character for him. Rereading, I think they might be right! My only excuse is that both times he's cried thus far in this story, he's been unconscious or delirious, and thus not in control. The next time I make him cry, I promise it'll be because he's in physical pain.

Next chapter in two weeks! Please feel free to share your thoughts.