A/N - ok so this fic is Shenko from here on out as I've promised you, but I warned you from the start, its not necessarily gonna be a happy or fluffy ride... they have issues... at least now they can start to work on them ;-) Trust me, I am a huge Shenko shipper and anything I break, I WILL fix. In the meantime, Shepard has a few loose ends to tie up, and this chapter may answer some questions you may have about subtle differences between my story and the original... As always, Bioware owns all, I take no credit :-)

Thanks to all of you for your continuing support, and for following, favoriting. Gabe97, Lyv, StoneburntHeart, Letticiae, and InuGuardian1984, thank you for your reviews... Letticiae, I agree with you about Garrus, but the moment was so tense, I just didn't want to interrupt. I promise I will deal with that oversight in this and upcoming chapters :-) InuGuardian1984, Shepard's quick acceptance and forgiveness of Miranda was another ME2 pet peeve that I wanted to fix in this fic... but I have plans for Miranda still, so hang in there with me :-)

As always, special thanks to my beta, StoneburntHeart, for all her help :-)

Shepard began her tour of the new Normandy SR2 where she felt any self-respecting warship captain should – from the ground up. She did it solo, eschewing the overly-friendly Yeoman Chambers' offer of accompaniment. She had turned Chambers down for two reasons. First, she didn't need Chambers' information. She knew her way around a ship – she had grown up on them, even – and she doubted Ms. Chambers could provide any detail that would not be obvious to her own trained eyes. Second, Kelly Chambers was perky, friendly, overly solicitous, and Shepard didn't trust anyone that welcoming to strangers. Counselor or not, that woman needed to learn a thing or two about people. Preferably as far away from Shepard as possible while she did it.

By the time she returned to the CIC and plotted the Normandy's course, she had combed nearly every inch of the rebuilt ship, and met all its occupants. She had left only two rooms unexplored. One was the captain's cabin – her current destination – and the other, Starboard Observation. She knew who currently occupied the latter and she was deliberately avoiding him. That exploration she didn't have the time or patience to deal with yet, she thought to herself as she stabbed the button for the elevator.

~x~

Kaidan knew he had hurt Shepard, wounded her, and perhaps even damaged their relationship irreparably. All in vain, apparently, since she was now on the Normandy, leading the fight against the Collectors, exactly as Cerberus had intended. He cursed himself that he had been the ultimate tool to be used against her in a cruel twist of fate. So, while he knew they should talk, that he should definitely apologize, try to explain, instead he sat brooding in Starboard Obs, blindly staring out the viewport, once again seeing nothing beyond his own thoughts and recriminations.

How could he let this happen? Why didn't he see through Miranda's ruse? He had been so worried about Shepard, so concerned when he saw the attack on Horizon, and had fallen so easily into their kiss when he finally found Shepard that he didn't think straight, didn't check all the angles. He hadn't been careful enough. For a man who had worked so hard at caution and control, he castigated himself now for letting his long-developed habits slide in the face of one woman. That she was the woman he loved with all his heart - and sometimes to distraction - didn't excuse him. He had screwed up and he couldn't face her, not yet. He sighed and turned back to stargazing.

~x~

Shepard had just finished her perusal of the richly appointed 'captain's cabin' and sank into the chair in the office area when she heard the door open behind her. She turned and saw Miranda Lawson enter and saunter toward her.

"Shepard," Miranda began, but Shepard stood, and cut her off.

"It's Commander Shepard," she glared at Miranda, "and I don't know how Cerberus does things, but on an Alliance warship, one does not enter the captain's private quarters without an invitation. In your case, I'd leave it at 'one does not enter the captain's private quarters,'" she finished on a snarl, speaking to the other woman as if Miranda were a wet-behind-the-ears new recruit.

Miranda glared back, not backing down, not dropping her gaze, but she nodded.

"Commander Shepard," she began again, pointedly, "Kelly informed me that we're headed to the Citadel?"

"Was that a question?" Shepard asked, her brow raised.

"Look," Miranda began on a sigh, "I realize we're never going to be friends, but we need to work together." She waited until Shepard gave a slight nod, then continued, "Since we're headed to the Citadel, I thought I'd let you know that I have forwarded a new dossier to your terminal. I assume you'll want to continue Kaidan's-" she broke off at the other woman's renewed glare and corrected herself, "Lieutenant Alenko's mission and recruit your own team?"

"I'm certainly not going boots down with Cerberus troops," Shepard growled in return, then sighed, "I'll check out the file. Is that all?"

"For now," Miranda replied.

"Good, then get the hell out of my quarters," Shepard said in dismissal, returning to the desk chair. When she heard the door close quietly, signaling Miranda's departure, she reached for the terminal in front of her, then her glance slid sharply to the right and she saw her image staring back at her. Kaidan, she thought with a weary sigh, what have they done to you? She pressed her fingers against her eyes to try to push back the tears that threatened to fall, then reached over and slammed the holo-frame down, face-first.

~x~

Garrus gave them time, he gave them space. He knew that Kaidan and Shepard had not had an easy relationship – he had been there from the start. He had watched, first out of curiosity, then growing interest, then finally supportive friendship as they had endured their dance of avoidance, trying to ignore their growing attraction out of respect for regulations.

He didn't really understand it - turian ships rarely had such concerns - the occupants of such vessels were expected to conduct themselves properly and no one questioned what happened off the battlefield. But he understood duty and honor and had respected their choice to do so as well. Until their battle against Saren became more desperate than duty or honor could endure and they had finally given in to their feelings. Seeing his two best friends find such solace in each other and their love had made Garrus realize that, turian or not, he was a romantic. He wasn't sure the gap between them could be bridged, but he wouldn't deserve to call himself their friend if he didn't try.

With that resolve, he entered Starboard Observation and found Kaidan exactly where he expected to – staring out the viewport. He approached quietly and came to stand beside his friend.

"Are the answers out there in the stars?" he asked quietly.

"If they are," Kaidan replied quietly without looking at him, "I'm not seeing them."

Garrus nodded and they stood quietly for another moment before he spoke again.

"If you'll pardon a little unsolicited advice from an old friend," Garrus turned to Kaidan now, "you need to go talk to her."

Kaidan remained in position, eyes focused on the view he wasn't really seeing. "I hurt her - I was trying to protect her - but the damage remains," he said quietly, "she's not going to want to talk to me."

"Anyone with eyes could see what you were doing, Kaidan," Garrus replied, "and Shepard's far from blind. She knows it, too, deep inside. And she will forgive you eventually. But she's as stubborn as you are – maybe more – and she won't come to you. Haven't you learned by now that life's too short to leave the important things unsaid?"

Kaidan winced a bit as the comment hit a nerve, but he appreciated his friend all the more for saying it. "I guess I'm being an ass, huh?"

Garrus chuckled and patted him on the back. "We all have our moments, my friend." Then he left him to his stars.

~x~

When a knock interrupted her this time, Shepard figured that Miranda had learned at least that lesson, barely looked up from the terminal where she had been reading the thief's dossier and snarled, "Enter."

When she didn't hear Miranda's voice as she had expected - in fact, she heard nothing - she turned and stood. She saw Kaidan standing at parade rest waiting for her to acknowledge him. It didn't improve her mood. Still, she sighed, reined in her legendary temper a slight notch, nodded a greeting, and followed it with, "Kaidan."

Kaidan was sure there were plenty of things he should say in that moment. Things that a wiser man would say. But he had heard the Normandy's destination while he took the long route to her cabin, so instead, what he did say was the thing that first came to mind, "Word is we're headed to the Citadel, can you tell me why?"

That it echoed one of their first conversations didn't go unnoticed – by either of them.

Shepard studied the face of the man she had mourned for two years. That she had only been able to love for only a short time before he was stolen from her. That she still loved to this day. He looked the same, sounded the same, hell, he felt and tasted the same if their embrace on Horizon was any indication. But as much as she longed to throw herself into his arms, to have everything be the same again, she couldn't forget, couldn't ignore the way he acted on Horizon, the things he had said - the things he hadn't said. She knew he hadn't come here to talk about their destination, but she wasn't going to make his life easier for him, not now. So she answered the question he asked, instead of all the ones he didn't.

"A number of reasons," she began, her tone neutral and business-like. "First, I need to recruit a pilot – because I'll be damned if that sorry excuse of a nugget Samuels is gonna stay at the helm of the Normandy – SR2 or not."

Ah, Kaidan thought, that was the pilot's name – Samuels… not that he needed to memorize it now… he watched as Shepard began to pace, ticking off her list on her fingers.

"Second, I've heard that Dr. Chakwas is working in a clinic on the Citadel." She continued pacing, almost thinking out loud now, "and while I like Dr. Solus – so far – and I'm sure he's competent, I think his skills would be more useful elsewhere, so I need a dedicated doctor on board."

"Third, apparently Cerberus thinks I should recruit some type of master thief for the crew," she said this scornfully and Kaidan rather agreed, "although I haven't completed my review of the dossier." She gestured to the open terminal on the desk.

"Finally, I need to speak with Councilor Anderson," this time she stopped in front of Kaidan and looked directly at him as she continued, "to let him know that my mission – at least part of it – is complete. That I have determined that the threat to human colonists is real and that Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko is in fact alive – again. Then I have to respectfully tell him that I will not be completing the last part of my mission – to return Lieutenant Alenko, safely, to the Alliance. Then, we'll be leaving council space before the Alliance can court-martial me."

Kaidan stared at her in shock for a moment as the full implications of what she said hit him. The first three parts of her plans weren't unexpected, but the last? He opened his mouth and gave his opinion before actually thinking about what he was saying.

"Shepard, that's career suicide! You can't…" he stopped as heard himself and tried to rein it in.

"I can't?" Shepard wasn't going to give him the chance, instead her anger jumped from simmer to full boil while he searched for better words, "Now you're going to give me orders? Really, Kaidan, dying didn't change you for the better."

"I wasn't trying to give you orders," he let her blow glance off him, for now, since he had earned it, "I just find it hard to believe that you'll leave the Alliance, take the risk of court-martial for…" he trailed off again, unsure how to finish.

"For you?" Shepard finished softly. "Yeah I would. But don't take it personally, cause I'd likely do it for any of my crew."

He nodded. Although he realized she had meant to wound with the words, they weren't any less true.

She sighed. Relented a bit. She reached a hand up to touch his face softly, tracing over the scars that she had noticed when she had first seen him. Scars that looked mostly healed but were a blatant reminder of the torture he'd endured.

"Kaidan," she said softly, searching his eyes, "what did they do to you?"

He reveled in her touch, the feel of her skin against his, even for that brief moment. Then he closed his eyes and sighed. "It doesn't matter anymore," he answered her.

"It does to me," she said, then dropped her hand. "Look, Kaidan, I really need to get some work done before we arrive."

He heard the dismissal – saw it as well – and knew that nothing he would say would reach her now, even if he knew the right words. They were stranded each on their own side of a sea of hurt and two years of death stretched out between them. It wasn't a distance one kiss and another conversation would breach. But he had something that he hadn't before coming to her cabin - hope. He hoped that they would eventually breach it. He'd have to accept that for now. He nodded and turned to leave.

~x~

When they arrived at the Citadel two hours later, Shepard left the Normandy unaccompanied. She had sent a message to Kaidan from her terminal shortly after he left her cabin asking him to understand that she needed to complete her errands alone. His response had been neutral and he didn't appear to have taken offense. She was grateful, because she didn't really need to heap anything else on the pile of resentment between them.

She met with Kasumi first, and was surprised to find that she actually liked the woman, thief or not. After some witty banter, she agreed to have Kasumi join the team. Shepard figured she could always drop her somewhere later if she changed her mind, and truth to be told, she needed a team. Kaidan had gotten a good start. Well, she wasn't sure about the biotic, but other than that, it had been a good start. But it wasn't enough, she needed more. So she took Kasumi.

She headed to Zakera Ward Clinic, where she had discovered Doctor Karin Chakwas was now working. When she entered, she looked at the mass of squalor and sickness around her and wondered if taking Chakwas away from this was entirely too selfish. Still, the Normandy did need a full time resident doctor so Shepard squared her shoulders and waited until Chakwas could see her. Ten minutes later, the grateful doctor was promising to pack her bags and meet her back on board.

Those errands complete, she headed to the Presidium Embassies to complete her last two, knowing they'd be the most difficult.

~x~

This time, she waited patiently in Anderson's outer office until his assistant let her in. He greeted her at the door, noting her casual appearance and the stress and fatigue on her face. As before, he motioned her to the chairs in front of his desk and took his seat behind it.

"Shepard, I didn't expect you to return so quickly," Anderson began, "The Alliance was notified of the attack on Horizon, you were there?"

Shepard nodded then took a deep breath and gave her report, filling him in on the situation with the Collectors, Reapers, Cerberus, and Kaidan. When she was finished, she paused to allow him to process all that she had said.

Because he knew her so well, he heard both everything she said and the things she hadn't and immediately reached the conclusion she had known he would.

"And you plan to stay on the Normandy - to fight the Collectors - to stay with Kaidan?" Anderson asked her softly.

"What choice do I have, Anderson?" Shepard replied grimly, "It's Kaidan."

And that, Anderson thought, summed everything up neatly. "I know what he is to you, what he means to you, Shepard, but this is a huge risk. Not just to your career but…"

She interrupted him with a raised hand. "I know the risks, I understand them," she said firmly, "but someone needs to deal with this threat. And someone needs to get Kaidan out of those bastards' clutches. Who better than me?"

"Alright," he responded, nodding, knowing that nothing would change her mind now, "What do you need?"

Shepard took a moment to be grateful for this man who had been more than just a CO, more even than a mentor, but closer to a father since she had met him, all those years ago after the Blitz. Without Anderson, her career and her life may be drastically different.

"Two things," she told him in response to his question, "First, I need a pilot that can handle the Normandy."

"You want Joker?" Anderson clarified although he knew the answer. When she nodded, he continued, "I'll contact Admiral Hackett and pull some strings." More strings, Anderson thought with a grimace, but he knew the Admiral's favorite brand of whiskey. The favor wouldn't come cheap but he could afford it.

"What's the other request?" Anderson asked.

"Cerberus has the Normandy bugged with eyes and ears everywhere," Shepard sighed, "there's even an onboard AI. Can you get a message through secure channels?"

Again, he understood what she was asking without her spelling it out. "Consider it done, Shepard."

She nodded and stood to leave. Then she paused and looked at him for a long moment, as if memorizing his face in case she didn't return.

"Thank you for everything, Anderson," she said softly, putting years of meaning to her words. Then she left his office. She never heard his quiet reply.

"You're welcome, child."

~x~

By the time she reached the Normandy's airlock, her omni-tool beeped with a message from Anderson. She read it, closed her omni-tool, and then she entered the airlock and headed to the CIC. They were headed to Illium.