A/N: Hey people. First of all, thanks for reviewing, as always. =D Second, for those people who only answer the question of the week, and don't say anything else, I'm staring to wonder if you just skip to the bottom and not read the actual episode. If that's not the case, could you please actually review as well? Anyways, last week's Question of the Week winner is Iris Stardust! Good job! New episode this week of course. Enjoy!
P.S. (Three guesses for what I'm going to say...)
~IlluminatiGirl
Season Nine, Episode Ten
Chess Geeks
IN THE LIVING ROOM
Nicky is playing with French Fry.
NICKY
Hey, French Fry, wanna meet your new friend?
Nicky holds up Joey's Mr. Potato Head.
NICKY
This is Mr. Potato Head. He's a spud, too.
Hmm...maybe I should find you a real friend...
Jesse walks in.
NICKY
Hey, Daddy, can you help me find
a girlfriend for French Fry?
JESSE
Excuse me?
NICKY
He's lonely.
JESSE
Well, put him in the cupboard with the potato chips.
NICKY
But he wants a real friend. The chips are dead.
JESSE
Okay, well, Nick, I don't have time to play matchmaker
with a couple of bugs. But call me if you find anything;
I'll help arrange the wedding.
NICKY
Okay.
BECKY
Jess! Come here!
NICKY
Ooh, Daddy's in trouble!
JESSE
I am not in trouble, Nick.
They go up to the attic.
Danny and Becky are sitting at a table with a chess board, and Michelle is standing by the door, looking horrified.
JESSE
Okay, maybe I am in trouble.
BECKY
We're going to teach you how to play chess!
JESSE
Oh, yeah, I'm in trouble.
DANNY
Come on, it'll be fun.
MICHELLE
I'm sure it will be. See ya.
Michelle tries to escape her doom, but Jesse grabs her arm.
JESSE
No way. If I have to suffer, so does she.
MICHELLE
No fair!
JESSE
Sure it's fair. I'm not biologically related
to either of them. You, on the other hand...
MICHELLE
I hate you.
DANNY
Well, sit down. Let's get started.
JESSE
Nicky, for your own sake, just leave right now.
You're much too young to have the soul sucked out of you.
BECKY
Oh, stop it. Chess is a great game!
JESSE
I never said it's not a great game, but it's
for you two nerds, not us rad, chilling, Elvis-lovers.
Right, Michelle?
MICHELLE
Who ever said I loved Elvis?
JESSE
Work with me, kid.
DANNY
This will make you smarter. Chess stimulates the mind.
JESSE
Oh, we're plenty smart already. Michelle, what's 3x9?
MICHELLE
27. What's 144รท24?
JESSE
6. See? Smart. Bye!
DANNY
Oh yeah? Michelle? What's the square root of 196?
MICHELLE
How should I know? I'm in fourth grade.
DANNY
Jesse? What's the square root of 196?
JESSE
...rats.
DANNY
Are you in the fourth grade, too?
JESSE
Must have slept through that one.
DANNY
That lesson?
JESSE
Yeah, or my entire education. Same difference.
DANNY
Sit. Let us stimulate your shriveled up brains.
MICHELLE
I thought that the more shriveled your brain is, the higher your IQ is.
JESSE
Ha! Smart!
Jesse and Michelle high-five.
BECKY
Here's the deal. You get to leave when you've
completely learned, or you answer one of our trivia questions.
JESSE
Fine.
DANNY
Great. Now sit.
JESSE
What? Can't you just ask us stuff until we get something right?
DANNY
No. You get one question every ten minutes.
JESSE
How about five?
DANNY
Alright, five. Now sit!
MICHELLE
Uh...I have to go to the washroom.
DANNY
No you don't. Sit.
MICHELLE
I need a drink of water.
DANNY
Michelle...
MICHELLE
I'm about to get violently ill and you just waxed the floor.
DANNY
You're making excuses. And I only
waxed the kitchen, not the attic.
MICHELLE
I'm too young to die!
DANNY
No, I think you're just the perfect age.
Michelle sighs.
MICHELLE
I tried.
JESSE
And I am forever grateful.
They sit.
JESSE
Can we at least get a chance to
save our skin? Ask a question.
DANNY
Who was the third president?
JESSE
Who cares? He's dead.
BECKY
You want out or not?
MICHELLE
Nancy Reagan?
BECKY
Uh...no.
MICHELLE
Nancy Reagan's husband?
BECKY
What's his name?
MICHELLE
Does he even have a name?
JESSE
That's what happens when you
make your wife lead the country.
BECKY
Okay, moving on. Danny, would you like to start the lesson?
DANNY
It would be my pleasure. Now, as you
probably know, this is the board-
JESSE
Really?
DANNY
And these are the pieces.
JESSE
I feel smarter already.
MICHELLE
Try us.
Danny sighs.
DANNY
What is Shakespeare's fifth play called?
JESSE
...uh, so ...the pieces?
DANNY
Yes. The pieces. The pieces go on
the board. One in each square-
JESSE
You know, I just had a light bulb
moment. Could you ask again?
DANNY
Will you let me talk?
JESSE
Sorry.
DANNY
One side get white and one side gets black.
MICHELLE
Why can't you mix it up? Make it like salt and pepper.
DANNY
If you have a question, raise your hand.
Now, you see these short round pieces? Those
are called pawns. They go at the front of the board.
Jesse raises his hand.
DANNY
Yes, Jesse?
JESSE
Has it been five minutes yet?
DANNY
No. Now this is called a rook. There are four of them,
two on each side. They go at the end of the second row.
Jesse raises his hand.
DANNY
What.
JESSE
Why is it called a rook? It looks more like a sandcastle.
DANNY
Does it really matter?
JESSE
Hey, if my mind is going to be stimulated,
I'd like it stimulated correctly.
Danny sighs.
DANNY
If you must know, in the origins of the game, chess was
called Chaturanga and it was different from modern chess.
The piece we call a rook was considered to be a chariot
rather than a castle, probably because of the speed with which it moves.
The Sanskrit word for chariot was "ratha". In Arabic it is
still referred to as a chariot with the name "rukhkh." When the
game spread to Europe, the word "rukhkh" sounded like the Italian
word "rocco", which meant "tower." Since the two words sounded alike,
the Italian word was used but the meaning changed from chariot
to piece is still thought of as a tower in European translations.
Various European countries use their language's word for "tower"
rather than their words for "chariot". In Middle English the
concept of tower eventually turned into castle
since most castles had towers. Got it?
(BTW that was totally taken from some website) =P
Jesse and Michelle stare at him.
JESSE
Yes, that makes a lot more sense now.
I'm glad you cleared it up.
Danny grins.
DANNY
Now as I was saying, beside the rooks, are
the knights. They go on the second space in the last row.
MICHELLE
That's a horse, dad.
DANNY
Well, it's called a knight.
MICHELLE
How come?
DANNY
Let me continue. Now, these pieces are bishops.
JESSE
Um-
DANNY
Raise your hand.
Jesse raises his hand.
JESSE
Pretty sure it's been five minutes.
DANNY
Explain the process of photosynthesis.
...
DANNY
Really? This is grade school stuff.
JESSE
Hmph.
DANNY
These are called bishops. They go next to the
spaces at the back. And finally, this is the
king and queen. They go in the middle.
JESSE
Great. Are we done here?
DANNY
Oh, we're just getting started.
Jesse and Michelle groan.
IN THE LIVING ROOM
Nicky is playing in the living room with French Fry and Mr. Potato Head.
Joey comes in.
JOEY
Oh, there's my Mr. Potato Head.
Joey takes it.
NICKY
Joey, help me get a girlfriend for French Fry.
JOEY
Why does French Fry need a girlfriend?
NICKY
He's lonely.
JOEY
Oh. Sure, I'll help.
Joey looks around and holds up his Mr. Pot head. (Ok that sounds weird)
NICKY
No. It has to be a woodlouse.
JOEY
A what?
NICKY
Aren't you an entomologist?
JOEY
A what?
Nicky shakes his head.
NICKY
Tsk tsk, Joey. We can't make him date a lump
of plastic...they can't talk to each other.
JOEY
They can't talk anyway; they're potato bugs.
NICKY
They talk in woodlouse language.
JOEY
What is a woodlouse?
NICKY
Come on. Let's go in the backyard and find one.
JOEY
Still have no idea what a woodlouse is...
IN THE ATTIC
Jesse is staring at the board.
JESSE
So I move diagonal, right?
DANNY
Remember how to move a pawn?
JESSE
If I remembered, do you think I'd be asking?
DANNY
Think.
JESSE
Uh...capital L?
DANNY
That's a knight.
JESSE
Straight line?
BECKY
That's a rook.
JESSE
Oh! Two spaces right?
BECKY
No, your pawn is in the middle of the board.
JESSE
So?
BECKY
You can only move two spaces if your pawn hasn't moved yet.
JESSE
Seriously? Why?! Why do they make it so complicated?!
In fact, this entire game is sexist and racist. I mean, why does
the white side always get to go first? And why is the king the most
important piece? Huh? Why not the queen? You send the queen out
to do all the fighting. but you must protect the king at all times.
And if he dies, you automatically lose? What is that teaching us?
That if you're leader is down, you roll over and die? No! You keep
fighting! And if this is really a game of war like you said, I should
technically be able to place a bomb in the middle of the board and
end this madness! I mean, why do the pieces have to move in a
certain formation? Let them go crazy! War has no rules! In fact,
war is about breaking rules. So everything you just taught us, useless.
I mean, is this some sort of life lesson? Oh, if a sandcastle attacks
me, I should just slowly step in a backwards L? Seriously? Who even
thought of this game? Seriously, this would make more
sense if the pieces were playing tea party!
Stares.
MICHELLE
I think they've over-stimulated your brain.
Jesse slumps down in his chair.
IN THE BACKYARD
Nicky and Joey are looking for a potato bug.
NICKY
Found anything yet?
JOEY
Nope.
NICKY
Well keep looking.
JOEY
Hey, where's French Fry?
NICKY
I put him on the ground over there.
Joey looks.
JOEY
You put a bug on the ground?
NICKY
Yeah.
JOEY
Oh boy. I don't see him.
Nicky comes over.
NICKY
Oh no! He's gone!
JOEY
Oh, uh...I'm sure he's around here somewhere.
They get down on their hands and knees.
Stephanie comes outside.
STEPH
Hey, uh...what are you doing?
NICKY
French Fry got lost.
STEPH
Oh, I saw a bug in the kitchen just now...
Nicky and Joey run in.
STEPH
It was right there next to the stove.
NICKY
There he is!
Nicky runs over to the stove.
NICKY
French Fry! I found you...wait a minute.
..that's not French Fry, this is too small.
STEPH
Hey, you're right. It looks like a baby woodlouse.
JOEY
Would you mind explaining to me what a woodlouse is?
STEPH
Oh, look over there! There's another one!
JOEY
What the...
They all run over to the counter.
STEPH
There's a whole litter over here!
NICKY
Yay! A party!
JOEY
How'd they get in here?
STEPH
Oh, dad's gonna freak.
NICKY
Let go show it to them!
They all go up to the attic.
JESSE
So we move it straight?
BECKY
Well, do you want to hit the other team's pawn or not?
MICHELLE
We do.
BECKY
Then you move it diagonal.
JESSE
But then it won't get the white pawn.
BECKY
Then you can't hit it.
JESSE
Then can I just move forward?
BECKY
Well, no, because the other team's pawn is in your way.
JESSE
Then why can't I hit it out of the way?
BECKY
Because you have to move diagonal to hit.
JESSE
Do you see how unrelatable this is to war?
Becky sighs.
JESSE
Can you ask a question?
BECKY
What's the capital of Peru?
JESSE
Ugh.
STEPH
We hate to interrupt-
JESSE
No, please, feel free to interrupt any time!
NICKY
Daddy, French Fry's lost.
Jesse spring up from his chair.
JESSE
Well, Nicky, I'll help you find him! Come on, Michelle.
DANNY
Stop. They can find French Fry without you.
STEPH
And, apparently, there's been some sort of Potato
bug spawn session, 'cause they're all over the kitchen.
Danny jumps up.
DANNY
What?!
He runs down the stairs.
JESSE
Bless you.
They all go downstairs after Danny.
Danny stops next to the counter.
DANNY
Oh my god. What are we gonna do?
JESSE
How about we take a minute and un-stimulate our brains.
Jesse takes a deep breath.
Danny gives him a dirty look.
DANNY
We'll have to call an exterminator.
NICKY
No!
DANNY
What? Why not?
NICKY
He'll kill them!
JOEY
That's what he's supposed to do.
NICKY
But they're French Fry's babies!
BECKY
Where is French Fry anyway?
NICKY
I don't know, he got lost. But he can't be far from his babies...
JESSE
Well, we don't really know if they're French Fry's babies...
Alex comes downstairs with two potato bugs.
ALEX
Hey, Nicky, I found French Fry. He was upstairs
cuddling with this other bug.
Nicky runs over and takes the bugs.
NICKY
This must be their mommy.
DANNY
Okay, that's great, but there's still
a bunch of bugs in my kitchen.
ALEX
Oh wow! More potatoes!
DANNY
We're not keeping them, Alex.
NICKY
Uncle Danny wants to kill them!
Alex gasps.
ALEX
Uncle Danny, how could you?!
DANNY
Oh, well...what do you want to do with them?
NICKY
Let's keep all of them!
DANNY
All of them?
They nod.
DANNY
Oh...alright.
The boys cheer.
DANNY
Round them all up and put them in a jar.
A tightly locked jar. Now, Jesse, Michelle, back to chess.
JESSE
Aw...hey, Nick, do you happen to have another family crisis?
NICKY
No.
JESSE
Well, if I give you five bucks, will
you have another family crisis?
NICKY
Nope.
The boys leave the kitchen.
JESSE
Well, don't come running to me when
you need tuition for college!
DANNY
Come on, we have to continue our lesson.
MICHELLE
Ask a question.
DANNY
What's the difference between sublimation and deposition?
MICHELLE
I beg your pardon?
DANNY
To the attic.
They go back upstairs.
BECKY
Where did we leave off?
JESSE
You were just wrapping up.
Becky rolls her eyes.
They sit down.
DANNY
I think we taught them everything.
MICHELLE
So we can go?
DANNY
No. Now let's play a real game.
JESSE
What? But I already forgot everything!
DANNY
Oh. Then I guess we'll have to teach
you everything all over again.
Michelle elbows Jesse in the ribs.
JESSE
Ow! I mean- I mean- who said anything
about forgetting anything? I didn't.
BECKY
Good. You want white or black?
MICHELLE
But you said when we learn, we can go.
BECKY
You have to prove that you've learned. White or black?
JESSE
Black.
MICHELLE
No, white. White gets to go first.
JESSE
Again. Racist.
BECKY
We're black then. Set up your pieces.
JESSE
Uh...you can set up first.
BECKY
Why?
JESSE
Well...because is white gets to play first, then
black should get to set up first...only fair, right?
BECKY
You have no idea how the pieces go, do you.
JESSE
Not a clue.
Becky sighs.
BECKY
Back to square one.
JESSE
Ask.
BECKY
What?
JESSE
A question. Ask one.
BECKY
Are you not capable of forming a complete sentence?
JESSE
Nope. Ha! Yes! Woo-hoo! I answered!
BECKY
You did not.
JESSE
Did too. You asked if I was not capable of forming
a complete sentence, and I said no! Ha!
BECKY
First of all, that wasn't a real question-
JESSE
It had a question mark at the end.
BECKY
And second of all, you are capable of forming a
complete sentence, so your answer was incorrect.
JESSE
Dang.
DANNY
Okay. Answer this riddle. There was one hundred
bricks in a plane. One fell out. How many are left in the plane?
...
JESSE
Uh...is this a trick?
DANNY
No.
JESSE
Well...99?
DANNY
Correct.
JESSE
Wha-
DANNY
There's more.
JESSE
Huh?
DANNY
It's a multiple-part riddle.
JESSE
Oh.
DANNY
Now...how do you put an elephant in a fridge?
JESSE
Um...you...
MICHELLE
You just open the fridge and put it inside.
DANNY
Good. How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
JESSE
Same thing.
MICHELLE
No wait. First you take out the elephant.
JESSE
Right! Then you put the giraffe in.
DANNY
Good. Then, the lion called an emergency meeting for
all the animals in the jungle. Which one wasn't there?
JESSE
Probably two innocent creatures who were stuck in
their cave being forced to learn how to play chess.
MICHELLE
Um...
JESSE
Ooh! The giraffe. 'Cause he was still in the fridge!
DANNY
That's right.
JESSE
Yes!
DANNY
Now, a man was-
MICHELLE
How long is this?
DANNY
Nearly done. A man was crossing a river which was
usually infested with crocodiles at that hour.
Why wasn't he killed?
JESSE
Hm...
MICHELLE
The crocodiles were at the jungle meeting!
JESSE
Oh. Right.
DANNY
Last one. Why was the man killed anyway?
JESSE
Uh...after he crossed the river?
DANNY
Mm-hm.
MICHELLE
Um...I don't know...
JESSE
Oh oh oh oh oh! The- the brick! The brick that
fell out of the plane landed on his head and killed him! Right?
DANNY
Correct!
MICHELLE
Yeah!
Michelle and Jesse high-five.
DANNY
Now set up your board.
JESSE
Wha- but- but-
MICHELLE
You said we can go!
DANNY
Well, you can, but you don't have to.
JESSE
We want to!
BECKY
You do?
JESSE
Yes! You told us when we answered
a question, we get to leave. Right?
DANNY
Well, yeah-
JESSE
Well, you asked, we answered,
and now we're leaving. Good-bye.
Jesse and Michelle get up to go.
DANNY
Okay, fine. You win. Look, I'm sorry we made you sit
through this. I just thought it would be fun to pass on
knowledge of this great game to future generations.
JESSE
I'm only five years younger than you.
DANNY
Yeah, but you aren't familiar with the
process of photosynthesis, so...
JESSE
Good point. But, Danny, not every game is for everyone.
MICHELLE
Yeah. And by the way, photosynthesis
is turning sunlight into oxygen.
JESSE
Oh. Okay, well...hey, wait a minute...if
you knew that, why didn't you answer?
MICHELLE
Uh...what?
JESSE
You didn't say anything when he asked the question.
MICHELLE
Oh, didn't I?
Jesse gives her a look.
MICHELLE
Well, I'm sorry, Uncle Jesse, but I just wanted
to see what chess was. I mean, I wasn't thrilled
about it, but I wanted to give it a chance.
DANNY
See? My daughter is much more open-minded.
Jesse sighs.
JESSE
I guess I was pretty quick to judge.
MICHELLE
If you don't try new things, you'll never
know what you're missing out on.
JESSE
When did you get so philosophical?
MICHELLE
Oh my god. I'm turning into dad.
DANNY
Ahem.
MICHELLE
Which is...great!
JESSE
But you're right. It's not that bad. Confusing
as hell, but not that bad. Okay, I'll play one game.
DANNY
Great! White or black?
JESSE
White. But it's still racist.
BECKY
Okay, set up the broad.
JESSE
Uh, Michelle, you can do that.
MICHELLE
Why me?
JESSE
You're the one who wanted to play.
BECKY
Oh, never mind. I'll set up first. Watch carefully.
First, you put the pawns on the second row of
your side, eight in total...
JESSE
(to Michelle) You will pay for this.
Michelle chuckles.
BECKY
Then go the rooks in the back row, then the knights and bishops...
-END TUNE-
Question of the Week: What is Kimmy's middle name?
(Remember my all-seeing eye.)