A/N: Wow, holy shit, this one sucks ass. XD' I'm sorry, guys. Christmastime!! XD' And happy holidays to everyone who celebrates anything other than Christmas. ;D And btw-- today, I rewatched The Dark Knight. 8D SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT. Know that one scene near the end, where Batman and the Joker are fighting on the top of the tower, and the Joker gets hung upside down? During one of the earlier parts, where the Joker was (straddling) Batman and about to pull the trigger to blow up the ferries, Vikkie was all, "Bishie foreplay!" And now I'm more compelled than ever to write a BatsyXJoker fic. ;o; (Necury, save me, my love. XD')

Title: Ornamental

Pairing: ZeKonan

Genre: Friendship

Rating: T for mild language

Summary: Konan is always the one left to set up Christmas decor, and sometimes, it gets a little frustrating.

Credits: I own a lot of new ideas for BatsyXJoker fics, ;D but that's it. =x="

Crack Wednesdays 10

Ornamental

Konan hummed happily to herself, fishing in the large, plastic tubs for another ornament. Unsheathing the bauble from its protective shell of newspapers, she held it up to the light, then instantly grimaced. It was an old one that Sasori had made, with a detailed portrait of himself and his former partner, Orochimaru, affectionately holding hands. That wouldn't go off too well with neither the puppet master nor his new teammate.

Quickly crushing the delicate glass beneath a ninja boot, she dug out another bauble. This time, it was one of Kakuzu's. Painted on it was the hostile slogan: 'My only love is in hard, cold cash'. But ever since the arrival of their ever-adorable immortal… Another ornament, ground under Konan's foot.

Pulling ball after ball from the box, she could only seem to find more and more former loves. "God damn, who put up our tree last year?!" She cried, throwing down one of Hidan's old ones. ('Jashin will KILL my fucker of a teammate!') And also, whose bright idea was it to start the Akatsuki tradition of decorating a tree ornament with each member's greatest love? "It's like I'm the only one with any tact in this whole organization," she complained, staring at the huge heap of fragmented glass before her. Since she'd had to get rid of every last trace of Orochimaru and all thirty-two of Kakuzu's late partners, not to mention a few bitter remnants of holidays spent bickering between couples, her heel was getting sore from crushing baubles. "Ridiculous!" She cried, flopping down on the couch exhaustedly.

"Konan..? Is that..?"

The blunette looked up wearily, her own indigo eyes meeting Zetsu's. "Is what, what?" She asked, looking for clarification.

"Is that Montgomery?!" The plant-man rushed to the pine-tree's side, his golden eyes wide in horror. "Oh, oh, Monty! What happened to you? You're so… limp and cold!"

Konan rolled her eyes, slapping the trembling white hand away from the tree. "Get, Zetsu. It's made out of plastic; you'd think someone like you could've figured that one out."

While the black half glared at her angrily, the white side looked ashamed. "Yes, yes, of course. I'm sorry." "No you're not. Go kill yourself, you miserable excuse for a ninja."

The blunette bristled, her nerves already hampered at by the ridiculous glass ornaments. "Zetsu! Out! I'm trying to make this bat cave look somewhat presentable for Santa, alright?"

"Santa doesn't exist," growled Black Zetsu angrily. "We saw Mommy making snow footprints on the carpet so we'd believe in Santa. We saw!" "And then—and then you ate Mommy!" sobbed White Zetsu, tears forming in the corner of his eye. "We ate Mommy," corrected the more aggressive side.

Konan threw another Orochimaru ornament at both of them. "Out!" She screeched, sounding much like a resurrected-from-the-stomach mother.

As Zetsu scampered out, Konan screamed in a deranged way, throwing herself into a thousand origami swords and fluttering to the floor tiredly.

She lay on the floor limply for about thirty minutes, just trying to cleanse her frustration in a thousand simplistic, paper minds.

At that moment, Zetsu returned, his steps timid and respectful. "Uhm, Konan-san, we're sorry for fighting and making you mad. Please don't be upset with us!"

The origami mistress raised one delicate eyebrow. "So who's in control now?" She asked suspiciously.

"I am, I promise!" White Zetsu pleaded, his kindness saturating the air.

The woman groaned, lifting herself to her feet again. "Zetsu… I have a lot of work to do. Christmas isn't just about setting out cookies and milk, alright? I have to set up tinsel around headquarters, hang mistletoe over everyone's doors, change the hallway lights to be fluorescent green and red, and then I have to bake the cookies, set candles and light them, then I also have to dust out the cobwebs that some asshole left out for Halloween and put poinsettias there too. Speaking of which, I need to go buy some, and that's not even considering that I'm not done decorating the tree—why the hell am I telling you all this?!"

Zetsu's hands were folded together sweetly, and he was rocking back and forth on his heels, truly looking like a child at Christmastime. "We can help you with the mistletoe and poinsettias, Konan-san."

The blunette's expression softened slightly. "Nah, thanks, Zetsu. Just… go take care of your bouncy ball, a'right?"

"Tobi? Oh, he's trying to make Itachi play Spin-the-Bottle with Kisame. It's okay."

Konan's brow lifted higher at the care-less attitude. "Odd. You're usually ballistic if you know Tobi's hanging around with the 'corrupt' members. Aren't they a 'bad influence'?"

"Yeah…" Zetsu struggled, obviously attempting to hold back on spitting out Hidan's name, "but we owe you, Konan-san. So how can we help you?"

All business, the origami specialist directed a thin finger at the half-decorated Christmas tree. "With Monty."

The plant-man stood still for a moment or so, tapping his (black) foot meditatively. "…We think it'd be faster if we were in Monty."

Konan's face paled visibly at Zetsu's choice of words. "Meh?"

"We could… we could melt into Monty and possess him, and then scoop all the ornaments onto ourselves, and come back out, and then Monty will be decorated much faster!" Now well excited at his ingenious, the half-bodied ninja clenched his fists, more than ready to possess the tree.

The Ame-nin cocked her head, biting her lower pierced lip. "…Monty's not a real plant, Zetsu."

At her cold reminder, the plant-crowned cannibal's face fell, and White Zetsu's mouth trembled in misery, while Black Zetsu sneered in disgust. His visage combined as a whole was, to say the kindest, putrid.

"…But maybe you should just help me put the ornaments on him?" She suggested brightly, her motherly side returning quickly.

The plant-nin nodded eagerly, both his schizophrenic halves accepting. "Yes, please."

"Do you have an appetite for glass?"

"Uhm."