INTERMISSION

Shinji – in school.

Shinji: "First day of school… I wonder what'll happen…"

He lay back into his seat and absent-mindedly fiddled with his pen. The girl sitting next to him turned towards him:

Girl: "Hey… hey, izzit true that you hate your dad?"

Shinji: "Hate my… ?!"

He turned. It was Rei.

Shinji: "Ayanami Rei?!"

Rei: "So… izzit true that you hate like your dad n' stuff like that?"

Shinji: "Erm… I think…"

Rei: "Did you know that I'm, like, a clone of your mom…"

Shinji: "What...?!"

Rei: "Yea… totally true – and there's like tons of me floating around in a secret chamber somewhere, and…"

Shinji: "Erm… Ayanami – did you get the wrong script?"

Rei: "Script? What're you talking about – hey, did you know that the reason why I have blue hair is because your dad had like this tottaaaaal colourful hair fetish that he wanted to try out on your mom, but couldn't – and so he was all repressed n' stuff?"

Shinji slapped himself. The classroom didn't disappear.

Someone poked him from behind.

Kaworu: "Accept the truth, my dear Shinji-kun. Now that you've stepped into this sacred territory known as the school – the creator has free reign to turn this story into a school life romcom if he so dearly wishes. Ah, such is fate."

Shinji: "So – I have to live with this Rei… for the rest of my…?!"

Kaworu: "The Rei that you know now has the personality of a giddy schoolgirl. No longer bound to the realm of silence – this signifies the destruction of those all too creepy fan fetishes for silent 'emotionless' heroines."

Shinji: "But – then I won't have anyone more emotionally unhinged than me to help make me feel better about myself!"

Kaworu: "Don't worry – we've got that covered."

Suddenly, Shinji noticed that a certain red-haired girl was sitting in front of him.

Shinji: "Is that… Asuka?"

He poked her back with his pen.

Shinji: "Hey… Asuka, you're still Asuka right?"

She turned.

Menacing red eyes.

And:

"Gott. Ist. TOT!"

And, she bit his pen in half.

Shinji: "GAH!"

"Gott ist tot! Gott bleibt tot! Und wir haben ihn getötet! Wie trösten wir uns, die Mörder aller Mörder? Das Heiligste und Mächtigste, was die Welt bisher besaß, es ist unter unseren Messern verblutet."

Shinji: "What is she saying?!"

Kaworu: "As you can clearly see, this author wants to be more pretentious than Hideaki Anno by throwing in random German phrases that he Googled up, even though he doesn't understand a single word of German."

Shinji: "But… but… what made her turn out this way?"

Kaworu: "Dearest Shinji – the only reason I can think of that anyone would behave towards you in such a fashion, would be that they were made fully aware of your 'conduct' towards them in the End of Evangelion."

Shinji turned red.

Shinji: "But – that… hasn't happened yet!"

Rei: "Oooo – what a dirty boy. Dirty like your dad."

Shinji: "My dad isn't a perv! ... I think."

Kaworu: "Don't worry Shinji-kun, my divine eyes have indeed confirmed that your dad is – truly and greatly – a perv."

Shinji: "That joke will get old after a while."

Kaworu: "It never gets old."

Asuka: "Wovon man nicht sprechen kann, darüber muss man schweigen!"

Shinji: "That's… getting old fast too."

Asuka took her own pen, and stabbed it into Shinji's jugular.

He collapsed and bled out.

Kaworu: "Ah, the closeness of sex and death – is one of the most essential traits of the universe."

Asuka: "I'M the PROTAGONIST NOW! GOT IT?!"

Shinji: "Sorry… for… fa…"

And, he died.

Kaworu: "Oh dear. It's hard to do a school romcom if there's no compatible couples."

Rei: "Heeey – why don't you be the main dude Ka-wo-ruu?"

Kaworu: "But a being as transcendent as myself could not possibly be empathized with. That's very important – the empathy point. Ah, poor Shinji – will anyone love your pathetic nature as much as I do?"

Rei moved to Kaworu's lap. She slung her arms around him.

Rei: "I think your toootes cool Ka-wo-ruu."

Kaworu: "I believe so too – but I'm afraid, my dear, we're going to have to wait until the Instrumentality to…"

And then.

"Ka-Ji!"

That was the squeal made by the 2nd Child as she leapt across the tables and slammed straight into the person who walked through the door.

Kaji: "Am I late?"

Kaworu: "You just missed the death of our lead protagonist."

Kaji: "Does that make me the lead?"

Asuka: "Kaji can be MY lead – ANY day of MY life!"

Kaji: "Anyway – to cut things short. I, the cool triple agent should-be-main-character Ryoji Kaji – am now going to be your teacher."

Cheers and squeals.

Kaji: "My first request, class, would be to clean up that unfortunate mess in the corner."

Someone threw Shinji's corpse out the window.

Kaji: "I assure you, as main character – that by next week, all Angels will be eradicated. The Instrumentality will be stopped. And we can finally turn Evangelion into the school romcom that was promised to us in episode 26.

Cheers, squeals, and shouts of "Kaji for President!"

Kaworu: "Hey now… that's bad news for me…"

Kaji: "That's right. In the end, the only pretty boy that this show needs is going to be – me!"

Kaworu: "I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you right there."

Kaworu took out a brown envelope and threw it to Kaji.

Kaworu: "This, unfortunately, is the future plans for this alternative retelling of the series."

Kaji opened the envelope, and his eyes widened.

Kaji: "They're gonna… kill me off? Early?"

Asuka: "They're gonna WHAT?!"

Kaworu: "If you think about it from a logical dramatic standpoint – Ryoji Kaji is the character that both Misato and Asuka are rooted to. In other words, if Ryoji Kaji is offed before the episode that Asuka debuts comes up – then Katsuragi Misato won't break down by the end of the series because she won't be able to get deeply involved with him, and Asuka's breakdown will be precipitated faster, which means that she'll get sent over to NERV in Japan, probably – and helping her rehabilitate can be an impetus for Shinji to improve."

Asuka stepped away, hands on her hips – and huffed:

"I'm not THAT dependent on Kaji."

Kaji: "So, I'm the bad guy of the series now?"

Asuka: "They're gonna turn me into a ragdoll for that dead perverted sap to get his therapy?!"

Rei: "Does that mean that I … get more screentime since Asuka's out of the picture?"

Asuka: "You… backstabber!"

Kaji: "This is absolutely preposterous."

Kaworu stood up, and pulled out a pistol.

Kaworu: "Unfortunately, such is Word of God. Now, time to perish this illusory world."

Kaji: "Not if I can stop it!"

As Kaworu fired, Kaji dodged down into the teacher's desk.

The bullet did a ricochet and barely missed Asuka.

Asuka: "Hey! That's IT… I'm GONNA!"

Asuka leapt behind Kaji's desk and pulled out a grenade.

Kaworu: "Now where did that…"

Kaworu grabbed Rei and jumped out the back door as the grenade blew up half of the class.

Rei: "So, you can poof weapons here right?"

Kaworu: "I take that to be so."

Rei: "Even an N2 mine?"

Exactly as she said that, an N2 mine appeared.

Rei: "Wow – how is it even fitting into a corridor like this."

Kaworu: "Ah well – so much for…"

As the N2 mine turned the entire school into a crater, Kaworu levitated into the air – carrying Rei in his arms.

Kaworu: "These Children of Lilin are really strange – did they really think they could easily destroy a being like…"

Rei: "Don't get Episode 24-ed."

Kaworu: "Episode what?"

A giant red arm grabbed Kaworu out of the sky.

Asuka: "Did you forget THIS – ASSHOLE?!"

Kaworu was now staring in the massive robotic face of Unit-02.

Classical Music started playing.

Rei: "Sorry Ka-wo-ruu – I'm outta here."

Rei squeezed out of the grip and hopped off with a parasol in her hand. She floated away while waving.

Kaji's voice came through Unit-02 as well.

Kaji: "Sorry – no hard feelings eh?"

Kaworu smiled.

Kaworu: "None at all."

As a massive giant white End of Evangelion Kaworu rose up from behind him and gibbed the giant robot into small metal parts. Kaworu brushed off the metal fingers that were holding him tightly.

Kaworu: "The secret to winning in Evangelion, is to be more cracked up in your imagination than anyone else."

He pulled out the brown envelope and flipped through it again.

Kaworu: "Although, my dear Kaji – I will indeed air your grievances to the guy up there, to see if that is, indeed, the best narrative arc that can be mustered."

As the entire world was flooded over with orange goo, Asuka & Shinji were reconstituted on the shore.

Shinji: "Hey, Asuka – is this still going to be a school romcom?"

Asuka: "How disgusting."

INTERMISSION END – ONE LAST I LOVE YOU