"It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone." ― Marilyn Monroe
Everyone deals with crisis differently. And how a person responds to one crisis may be completely different than how they respond to another. With each bad thing that happens to us, a piece of our soul shaves away. When we're little, all is good in the world. We haven't experienced the bad yet. Babies are pure from all that is evil. And we want to keep them pure forever, but we can't.
We all experience horrible things for the first time at different ages. Some of us experience it younger than others. Some of us experience it before we're too young to even conceptualize it, whereas others experience it when they're much older; some are lucky enough to hide from evil until they reach adulthood.
However, when your life is filled with bad and evil and horrible things, it appears you're damned if you don't and you're damned if you do. It's like the universe is out to get you, and there's no hiding. Essentially, though, one might think it's better to experience evil at a younger age, though, because then you come to expect it. You know it's coming because you're used to it, whereas if you're adult and experience bad for the first time, then it can be devastating. You lose sensitivity to evilness with each bad thing that happens to you.
Just because you get stronger, doesn't make coping any easier.
That's why you need a support system. As human beings, we crave the presence of other people. Some of us are more independent than others, but recovering from a traumatic event is a million times harder without a strong support system in place.
Chills ran up Meredith's spine. She crossed her arms tightly and terror filled her face. Her her pounded against her chest, and her neck started to throb as the fear and anxiety traveled through her body. Meredith knew that Alex could tell she was terrified. He stood and grabbed Meredith's shoulders. "Relax, Mer. I'll get the door," he said and started to walk toward her front door. In the meantime, Meredith ran into her bedroom.
The bedroom was dark, and although Meredith was terrified of the dark, she kept the light off. If it was her attacker, and he knocked Alex out, then he wouldn't know she was in her bedroom if the light was off. Meredith laid on the floor and slid her body under the bed.
She shivered and her body ached with chills. A tear formed in her eye as she pressed her nose against the hardwood floor. She swallowed. Meredith Grey had never been so frightened in her entire life. So many bad things had happened to her. She was the intern who had fearlessly placed her hand into a body with a bullet in it, and she hadn't thought twice about it.
Now, suddenly, one person had stolen her strength. One person had destroyed her sense of security to the point she didn't feel safe in her own home. Meredith had never felt so weak and powerless.
"Where is she?" Meredith's heart slowed as she heard a familiar voice outside her door. "Where's Meredith? Mer!"
Meredith's breathing returned to a normal pace as she came out from under the bed and turned on her bedroom door. "I'm right here," she said hollowly. "Cristina?" She opened the door to find none other than Cristina Yang standing in front of her. Her curly black was pulled back, and she looked exhausted. She was wearing her black leather jacket and a gray scarf.
"Mer!" Cristina shrieked and wrapped her arms around Meredith.
"What are you doing here? I just spoke to her a few hours ago, and you were still in Minnesota. Cristina, you can't fly," Meredith whispered hoarsely, and she glared at Alex. He'd inhaled a deep breath and was avoiding eye contact with her. She knew then that Alex had told Cristina.
"Apparently I can, and I did. Took a bit of alcohol in my system, but I did it. I didn't have a choice, Mer. I spoke to Alex and..."
"Alex, I hate you," Meredith rolled her eyes. "I should have known better than to confide anything in you. You couldn't keep a secret if your life depended on it." Her blood boiled and she could feel her face flushing.
"Oh, come on, Mer. I had to tell someone, and Cristina was worried. You needed help. Help that I can't give you alone," Alex said in a raised voice with his eyes staring into Meredith's. There was a pause. She could see the concern in Alex's eyes, the same concern he'd had when Izzie was battling cancer. His face was red, and although she was pissed, she knew he'd told Cristina because he did care..
Meredith knew Alex could be a complete ass a times. She recalled a time when Izzie had told her that Alex was becoming a good man and Meredith had said something to Alex about it. He'd completely freaked out and had acted all asinine. He was a good man, although it seemed like he didn't want to admit it. It was as if he didn't want people to have high expectations of him. Maybe that just happened to be it.
Meredith felt tears building up in her eyes and she looked at Cristina, whose coal black eyes showed worry and concern for her friend. Meredith sighed. "Thank you, Alex," she whispered raspily.
"Huh?" the confusion swept over Alex's face, seemingly surprised by Meredith's sudden gratitude. One minute she had been yelling at him, and the next minute she was thanking him. "You're welcome, then. Uh, I'm gonna go outside, and hopefully not get eaten by bears, so you two can talk, okay?"
Meredith looked at Cristina and they both nodded. As Alex was making a dash for the door, Meredith called after him, "I've never seen a bear in these woods!" She and Derek have moved to the woods a couple months ago, and not once had Meredith seen the notorious bear Alex claimed to have seen when he was living in Derek's trailer. Back in the early days of their relationship, although Derek spent most of the time at her old house, she had visited Derek's trailer on a number of occasions. She'd never once seen a bear. She half-way suspected Alex had made it up for storytelling purposes.
"I can't wait until you do so you can stop acting like I'm making it up. I saw a bear!" Alex called back, leaving Cristina and Meredith alone.
"Sure you did," Meredith said with an eye roll.
After Alex was gone, a silence ached between the two friends who hadn't seen each other in a few months.
"Mer," Cristina whispered. "Why didn't you just tell me? I'm your person. You can tell me anything."
Meredith swallowed as she felt Cristina's eyes beating on her. "I'm so embarrassed," she whispered. "And Alex was there, and he kind of figured it out on his own. Cristina, I'm so disgusting. This mess is my fault."
"You're not disgusting," Cristina insisted. "Meredith, you were raped, and that's not your fault. It's not something you could have prevented."
"It is my fault, though," Meredith told Cristina; she felt the tears running down her cheeks. "Everything's my fault." She went into her bedroom and sat down on the bed. Cristina sat next to her. She leaned her head against Cristina's shoulder and let the tears flow. Cristina rubbed her hand against Meredith's back.
"It's not your fault," Cristina whispered softly. "But what you can do is help put this guy behind bars. Have the rape kit done, report it to the police, and then he won't be able to do this to anyone else. If you don't report it, then it is your fault if he attacks someone else."
A coiled lump formed in Meredith's throat. When Cristina put it in that context, she felt her heart falling apart. No one should have to endure what she'd just gone through. She was a doctor. It was her responsibility to save lives. If she didn't report, Cristina was right, then there was a chance another woman would have to go through what she had.
"I'm so humiliated," Meredith whispered.
"And you have every right to be," Cristina insisted. "But you're Meredith Grey. Meredith Grey is a fighter and a survivor. She's survived a bomb, a drowning, and a plane crash. She can survive anything, and she can certainly this. You can do this, Mer, and you don't have to this alone."
She cried harder, and then her phone buzzed in her pocket. Her heart fell in her chest as she pulled her cell phone out. Blood boiled inside her skin as she looked at the message that had appeared on her screen. It was another picture. She knew immediately that it must have been taken earlier in the day. It'd been taken in the same spot as the text message she'd received earlier. Derek was holding Zola in his arms. Her mouth dropped as she read the caption. "You're not alone. Happy family?"
"Oh, my God," she said aloud as she threw her phone to the ground and stomped on it. Her iPhone's screen shattered in an instant.
"What the Hell, Mer?" Cristina gasped, and Meredith saw Cristina's shocked expression.
"He installed something on my phone," Meredith whispered. "He's been listening to my conversations."
"What? Who? Your attacker?" Cristina asked with wide eyes.
"Yes," Meredith mouthed. "He doesn't have Zola and Derek. He's been stalking them, though, and sending me pictures to make me think they're in danger. Oh, my freaking God." She slammed her foot into her phone again.
"Good thing you're a surgeon and can afford a new one of those," Cristina murmured.
"Huh?" Meredith stared blankly at Cristina.
"Nothing," shrugged Cristina. "Are you sure he bugged your phone?"
"Cristina," Meredith said slowly. "It's because of where my phone was found that my husband thinks I'm a filthy, dirty cheater. He had my phone, and he planted it in an on-call room."
"Oh," Cristina widened her eyes.
Meredith looked down at her smashed phone, suddenly feeling a sense of relief. The only problem? She knew that if her attacker had in fact bugged her phone, he would also know the bug had been destroyed.
"He knew everything about me," Meredith told Cristina. "About my mother, about Zola...it's like he stalked me."
"Are you sure you'd never seen him before?" Cristina asked.
Meredith shook her head slowly. "I've been replaying every face I've ever seen in my head all day. I'm confident that I've never seen his face before."
"Oh, come on. People don't just randomly attack doctors, do they? There has to be some connection. He chose you for a reason," said Cristina.
"Maybe not," Meredith said slowly. "Maybe he's a random doctor rapist who looks up random doctors and researches them before attacking them. Who really knows? It's not like there's a such thing as a private life anymore. The internet ruined the term privacy."
"Your Facebook page is private, though, isn't it?" Cristina asked.
"Yes," she said, "but people can get around those settings."
"Creepy," Cristina said.
"You're telling me," Meredith replied, releasing a loud sigh. "What if Derek never talks to me again? What if he runs off somewhere with Zola and finds another woman in a bar, a woman who has a friendly womb, and she raises my daughter and gives birth to Derek's perfect-haired children?"
"Oh, come on, Mer, don't be ridiculous. Derek loves you," assured Cristina.
"He loved Addison at one time, too," Meredith pointed out. "I mean, he married her, so he must have loved her."
"I wish you could hear how ridiculous you sound right now," Cristina said with a chuckle in her voice. "You're not Addison, and you didn't cheat on your husband."
"But he thinks I did, and he won't talk to me."
"He will. He has to, you have a child together. He's not just going to take your kid across the country. He might be a McAss at times, but he's not McHeartless. He'll come around. He always does. You just have to give him time," Cristina assured.
"Yeah, okay, let's say he comes around, and then he finds out the truth and finds me disgusting and damaged and…"
"Shut up, Meredith," Cristina cut in. "I don't want to hear it anymore. You're not thinking clearly, and I know you're all dark and twisty right now, but it's time for you to shut up. Now, you haven't showered, have you?"
"Is my hair wet?" Meredith sassed, rolling her eyes.
"Then we're going back to the hospital, and we're doing this rape kit. I'll do it myself, and I'm not taking no for an answer."