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I sat there in Dr. Gearing's office and cried. All this time. Everything could have been fixed if I had just known what was wrong. All the pain and misery could have been spared. I was angry. I was embarrassed. But I was also relieved. These problems that I had could be fixed. Thoughts of suicide at seven years old, my intense depression, cutting, hurting myself, and the ones that I love, now had a name. The name being my last and final disorder, Bi-polar Disorder.
"Bi-polar is not what most people describe it like. It is not completely defined as switching moods at any given time. Bi-polar Disorder can have long-term periods of a continued mood. Like depression, ecstasy, and intense anger. Can you think of examples of these periods in your life?"
Camp Rock 2 Tour – South America
I got up from after fainting. I heard the song for "This Is Me" already playing out on stage. How long have I been out? I got up quickly. Crewmembers and wardrobe stylists were coming after me. They were trying to make me cool off before I went back out there. Just then Mr. Jonas Sr. walked in
"What happened here?" Someone whispered that I fainted and he looked down at me and said,
"Well you're fine now aren't you? Get out there!" At least he was in the same mindset as I was. I walked out on stage pretending everything was fine. Wearing that face-eating smile I have perfected so very well. I noticed Joe's face as I walked out on stage. Concern was marked deep in his skin. I hated that look. It was the only look of emotion I have gotten from him in a long time.
The show was over and I was ready to party it up. If you faint once, you probably wouldn't do it again, right? As I began to leave the concert hall I heard a voice trailing behind me.
"Demi, Demi! Wait up!" It was Nick.
"Oh, hey Nick. What's up?"
"You okay?" I wondered what he knew.
"I'm fine. Why do you ask?"
"Demi." I heard that god damn concern in his voice and I turned away.
"Demi, look here please. Please!" I shot him an irritated glare.
"You know I'm here, right?" I began tearing up. He graped the outsides of my arms and pulled me into his chest.
"Shh. It's okay Demz. It will all be okay." I realized what I was doing and quickly pulled for him to release me. I didn't want his pity. I looked him straight in the eyes and said,
"Nick, I don't need your sympathy or your pity. I fainted. It's hot out there. Its no big deal." I began to walk off when he grabbed my arm. I shook him off. I didn't want his help. I didn't want anyone's help.
Dr. Gearing allowed me to leave her office after notifying me that every 12 hours I will have pills delivered to my room that will help control my disorder. I nodded. My head was heavy from the amount of crying and my deep thoughts. I got up from my chair and started walking towards the door when Dr. Gearing said
"Demi, before you leave…" I turned back towards her.
"Tami told me that you have made friends with Ms. Martin. Is this true?" I nodded.
"Ms. Martin, I mean Lauren is facing the same things as you are. In every way. I think if you are comfortable enough with each other you should share your stories." The thing I loved most about Lauren was that we never talked about our issues. We kept it sweet and simple. We enjoyed laughing, harmless gossiping, and partnering together during any project. But I was not in control here. If I was in control, my recovery would be at a stand still. I decided to take Dr. Gearing's advice and go and talk, really talk to Lauren.
I knew just where to find her. She began to realize the serenity and peacefulness of the courtyard as I did. She looked to be deep in thought writing in her daily journal that we all had to keep up with.
"Hey Lauren." She glanced up at me and smiled,
"Hey girl! What's up?"
"I just came from Dr. Gearing's office." Lauren's face dropped a little at the mention of Dr. Gearing's name. I took a deep breath and said
"I've just been diagnosed with Bi-polar Disorder." She looked up at me shocked. We had never brought up anything like this.
"I'm sorry," she said. She quickly looked down at her journal. I felt like an idiot. I thought that's what Dr. Gearing was talking about when she said "Lauren is facing the same things as you are." Whatever I guess. I started walking toward the entrance to the main building. Lauren spoke out a little to loudly, saying,
"Me too. I have Bi-polar too." Tears began to come to both of our eyes and we went in for a big bear hug. She was so teeny tiny. I loved hugging her short little body. Her height reminded me of my little sister. I remembered why I was here. Why I was helping myself. I was here to become the role model my little sister always thought she had. It was time to prove to her and everyone else that I am strong.