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Chapter 10
"Nii-sama!" the fifth seat of the 13th division exclaimed, giving him a warm smile and a respectful bow, "How nice to see you this morning!"
"Good morning, Rukia. I have an appointment with Ukitake taicho, is he well enough for visitors this morning?" her brother replied, as he entered the division offices.
"Yes, he is. I'll go get him."
The tall redhead was being led silently by a servant of the Kuchiki estate. He was scheduled for a meeting with his captain to go over reestablishing his bond with his zanpakuto. Interestingly enough, his captain had told him to meet at the estate. As he was being led down intricate corridors, his mind kept mulling over the implications of what Rukia had told him the night prior-- that she was not the one he was thinking of.
He had tried to pry more information from the obstinate woman, but she only eluded his most insistent questions with vague innuendo. Ultimately tiring of her teasing at his expense, he rose to leave her, and only then did he receive the most direct answer he had gotten all evening…that it was perhaps time he needed to have an overdue tête-à-tête with his commanding officer.
It took a while to get to his destination; and he realized he actually knew where he was being led to…Kuchiki taicho's personal rooms.
Many of the doors in this part of the estate were already open to take advantage of the fresh morning air and crisp breezes. Next to one open doorway, they stopped and the servant announced him to the man inside; with a polite bow to the lieutenant, she left.
"Good morning, Abarai fukutaicho. Come this way."
With a bow and returned greeting, he mechanically followed his leader. Walking two footsteps behind his captain, Renji stared intently at the raven hair swaying in the light wind. He wanted to reach out run his fingers through it, to see if it felt like the soft silken hair in his visions. Was that what Rukia was alluding to? The idea sets off a fluttering of nervousness in his gut.
He opens his mouth, wanting to ask...something...anything...but the intimidating aura of the man in front of him leaves his words trapped in his throat.
They had reached their destination, a garden on the other side of the captain's rooms. It was truly spring now in Soul Society, and the sakura trees in the noble's garden were in full bloom. The pink and white blossoms hung heavily from their delicate branches; sporadically, a handful of petals would be grabbed from their perches by a gust of wind and dance lazily along the invisible breeze. It was mid-morning, and the soft spring sunlight bathed the garden with tranquility. A sense of peacefulness filled the fukutaicho by just basking in the beauty and serenity of his surroundings.
"None of the servants are allowed here, so we will not be disturbed. You are more than welcome to walk in it, Abarai..." the aloof noble gestured with his hands toward the immaculate garden.
"It's beautiful here, taicho!"
"Yes, it is..." the captain replied, as he stepped onto the well worn stones.
The redhead curiously observed everything around him as he followed the noble; the meticulously clipped grass, the delicate and exotic flowers, the branches overhead that sprinkled shadows upon them as they walked. He breathed in deeply; the beauty of outside Sereitei was nothing compared to this. They were nearing an enormous sakura tree...he turned his head, already knowing there would be a large koi pond around the bend.
The captain was aware of the subordinate behind him; nervousness and tension leaked out of his still foreign reiatsu, one that was unguarded and exposed to the noble. He carefully extended his own, to probe at this unfamiliar spirit, to try and examine it without alerting the apprehensive fukutaicho to what he was doing. It seemed easy enough to do, his second in command was not adept at controlling and recognizing the subtleties in his new spiritual pressure just yet.
The sensitive noble explored the essence of the reiatsu. There were traces of the old Abarai, but placed over and threaded throughout that reiatsu was another…frequency….and it appeared hard-wired to who his soul now was. That result was disheartening for the noble.
They came upon a picturesque view at the heart of the garden. Under the large sakura tree, his captain bade him to seat himself comfortably.
"Kuchiki taicho…is this part of the zanpakuto training?" the curious lieutenant asked, if not a bit skeptically.
"Yes, Abarai…today we shall use meditation in an attempt to communicate with your zanpakuto. We will clear your mind in order to commune with your soul. Remember that the zanpakuto is an extension of oneself…when we can be at one with ourselves, we are most open to counsel with our zanpakuto." His captain moved behind him, out of his line of vision.
"Close your eyes. Empty your mind. Concentrate only on my voice. Now, envision your reiatsu, as it permeates the atmosphere around you…reach out and call it to you…pull it in until it surrounds you ...…now…reach out again with your mind…call out for your zanpakuto…."
Slowly the voice faded from Renji's consciousness. Kuchiki taicho sounded like he was moving farther and farther away, until his voice suddenly vanished.
Renji opened his eyes.
He was standing in a lush bamboo forest, trees tall enough to tower into the sky. To his left, he hears the faint rumblings of a waterfall, and walks toward it. The roar gets louder, and as he breaks into a clearing he faces a massive wall of water, spilling into a crystal clear pond. At the juncture of waterfall and pond, the mist is thick and white. As he watches…the white mist moves away from the break and it is clear that the nue was standing behind the waterfall, on a ledge of earth, watching his approach. Although the nue should be soaked with water, he is still dry…it walks along the back of the waterfall and comes towards him. The albino is enormous, its fur is luminescent, the spiritual markings stark against artificial sunlight of his spiritual world.
"Renji…"
The redhead is surprised, more so that he can hear the words in his head, in addition to them echoing in his ears.
"So…you can finally hear my voice…" the rough growl of the nue is comforting to him, "I'm glad your noble has helped you to hear me. We have been unable to communicate for much too long."
"Yesss...Renji, we have missed your spiritual presence on our plane." The snake has slithered its way over the shoulder of the baboon, "We thought, perhaps, a new master would be calling us soon..."
"Che...bastard!" the recovered fukutaicho scoffs good naturedly, "you ain't gettin' rid of me that easy!" The lieutenant can instantly tell that his bond with his zanpakuto is one of camaraderie and ease, not stilted with formality or awe. "Can you tell me what happened?"
"We are an extension of your soul....we mostly only know...what you do...I can say that we were in the middle of battle...when something else came to your attention. You broke away...to attend to something..." the baboon is grasping at its own incomplete memories, trying to help his master...
But the snake, conceited and selfish, tries to direct his shinigami back to their own cause.
"Renji, we are ready to fight again. We are well healed, and you…you are as healed as you will ever be…now…call us forth…
"as Zabimaru…." The baboon finishes…its voice deep and forceful.
He closes his eyes as he hears, finally, the name of his zanpakuto. It washes over him, and for a moment the fukutaicho regains his confidence…that the pieces will all fall back into place, that he can once again take back his life…
He feels a surge in his reiatsu, sees the crimson ethereal flame surround him.
"Howl, Zabimaru!" he commands, the swell of reiatsu pumping adrenalin into his veins, warming him with the caress of his spirit. His sword, now held up in front of him transforms into its shikai state.
Renji is heady with his power rush, he has yet to control it entirely, but takes pleasure in allowing it to release unhindered. A wolfish grin breaks out onto his face, "Alright," he growls, "let's get this started…"
"Not so weak after all, huh?" he taunts his zanpakuto.
If it's at all possible, the nue smirks, "You should see us in BanKai, Renji. Then you would see what we are really capable of."
"Just show me the way, Zabimaru..." the redhead replies, clearly exhausted, but eager to continue.
"You must learn to walk before running." the nue chides him gently.
The redhead snorted. It had been so long since he had had anything good to celebrate, to be proud of or feel happy about…he didn't want Zabimaru to bring him down off his metaphoric high just yet.
The nue saunters toward him, "You've been injured badly, Renji…I was sure we had fought our last together. Even now, your reiatsu isn't what it's supposed to be…"
"Yeah,…I know I'm weak…but with your help I can be strong again," the linked soul replies.
"No, Renji…your reiatsu is different…something's changed…we will have to learn to fight together again…." The rumble of the nue's words alarms the shinigami.
"You mean I won't be who I was?...Isn't it all just going to come back to me?..." a little desperation tinges his words.
"You are a different person now…even your noble has already figured it out…"
These words are not what the subordinate wants to hear…but he also picks up on something else…
"Why do you keep calling him my noble?...He's my captain…"
The nue looks knowingly into troubled, agitated amber eyes, "I am an extension of you, Renji…and although I cannot account for why you have changed, I am aware of what you once were."
The fukutaicho is suddenly nervous, like the next words out of his zanpakuto will alter his reality….
"You and the noble…"
"Don't spoil it for him…" hisses the serpent, winding itself around the back leg of its host, "His noble must be given the honor of informing him…."
Memories of Rukia flash in his head…
Nii-sama hasn't said anything to you?…..you two need to talk, Renji.
"Go back to your noble, find the answers. When your mind is at peace, we can move forward."
A shiver slides its way down his spine. Renji opens his eyes to find that he is once again back in the immaculate garden of his taicho. Sakura flowers have nested on his head, his shoulders, his lap. He stands to shake them off, and walks over to the pond, watching as the koi lazily circle beneath the mirrored surface. He senses Kuchiki taicho approaching.
Before his captain has a chance to diverge him off his path of thought, Renji turns, and voices what must be asked, "Who are we to each other?" a little more accusatory than he wants it to sound.
The Kuchiki heir recognizes that his second in command has been successful in rebuilding his bond with his sword; he can feel the increase in reiatsu already, and is about to inquire about it, when he is frozen in mid-stride from this sudden attack. He isn't prepared for such a boldly open question, he is blind-sided, and is unable to hide his thoughts…in his eyes, Renji can finally see the hope, the uncertainty of it all. The redhead has his answer.
"We are lovers, aren't we?" he asks, gently.
Byakuya is speechless. He opens his mouth to reply, but his throat is dry and he cannot for the life of him, get this tongue to work properly. Finally, he manages enough air out of his lungs to hoarsely reply, "..Yes.." only to have it sound gravely and strained…he cannot believe that the voice is his own.
Renji nods once at the confirmation, swallowing hard. He too, is at a loss for words, and for a few minutes, the silence stretches between them.
"May I…touch you?..." the captain asks softly, breaking the silence.
The redhead looks up, startled at the gentleness of the inquiry, coming from what he has come to know as a stoic and unapproachable man. His heart softens at the tenderness of the noble in front of him.
"Yes…" he whispers almost shyly, a small smile upon his lips.
The captain walks up to him cautiously, as if he were a fawn about to bolt. A graceful hand moves up to softly stroke the line of his jaw, fingers find their way to his brow, lightly drawing the tattoos hidden under the head covering, they come back down to trace the line of his nose, and finally he closes his eyes as those gelid fingers soothe over his eyelids.
When he opens his eyes again, he is mesmerized by the liquid pools of mercury he has seen in his dreams, they are his taicho's eyes.
Byakuya embraces him, burying his face into his neck, inhaling deeply, the essence of Abarai. The lieutenant tenses for a moment, and considers pulling away, but a deeper contentment is realized and Renji instead returns the embrace, raising his arms to encircle the shoulders of his captain.
After a few moments of basking in the familiar hold of his fukutaicho, Byakuya is the first to move. He nestles in closer to his subordinate's neck, tilting his head up to nuzzle at the back of Renji's ear with the tip of his nose.
It sends a shudder through his second in command.
He exhales, sending a hot breath to the back of the same ear, then opens his mouth to lick at the soft skin at the back of the prayed upon appendage, slowly he pulls the velvety lobe into his mouth, to suckle and nip upon it.
Renji's eyes fight to stay open, but they close, slowly, giving into the pleasure the noble is inducing in him.
In the back of his mind, the captain vaguely reminds himself to be gentle with this Abarai, the one who considers him still a stranger. The call is left unheeded; it has been too long since he has been able to touch anyone, let alone the one we wants to most of all.
Byakuya releases the ear to bestow hot wet kisses to a muscular neck, tongue darting out to lick at the tattoos he hasn't tasted in over a year. He can feel himself give into the hunger, unwilling to hold it in check, unable to prevent himself from touching every inch of the man in front of him. His hands move over the broad shoulders, down to the small of his fukutaicho's back, they circle around front and up to the chest, to fist into the lapels of his subordinate's shihakusho. His mouth begins a hard suck to the adam's apple, and then up to lave and suck at the favorite sensitive spot only he knows Renji has at the juncture of his neck and chin.
"Renji…" he groans, "I have missed you…I want you…"
The thick desire and longing in his captain's voice pulls Renji out of his stupor. He begins to panic instead and pulls back.
"Taicho!" he grabs at his captain's shoulders and pushes him away, holding him at arm's length; his eyes widen in surprise when he sees the passion in his captain's eyes…and then the hurt.
Byakuya snaps out of his lust induced fog…like a chill wave had crested over them both.
The lieutenant feels like shit…the last thing he'd ever want to do is hurt his captain. The man who came to find him and return him home…he owed him his fealty, his life.
The redhead takes a deep steadying breath, "I'm sorry, taicho…I didn't mean to…" lead you on…
"The fault is not yours, fukutaicho. It is my own." He backs away from his subordinate, moving toward the shelter of the sakura tree.
Renji can't help but notice he's back to being addressed by title, not name.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
A rueful smile graces the pained features of the taicho, "I think you know that reason, now."
"Oh."
The silence stretches uncomfortably between them again, more so for the subordinate, who was never one for silence. "Can I ask you questions…about us?...uh,...if its okay with you…I mean."
The noble closes his eyes, and turns away from his second in command, but nonetheless Renji hears a soft, "..By all means…"
"Do people know about us?"
"Those that choose to see, see."
"How long have we…?" he can't even say the words.
"Two years prior to your disappearance…"
Two years…he is floored by this answer. How much has he lost?
"How long has it been since the ryoka invasion?…" …since we fought.…
"It has been five years since that event."
Five years…
He feels childish for asking this last question…but he must know.
"Do we…love…each other?"
"Yes."
The response is so softly said, he can't be sure if he heard or imagined it.
Abarai is honest to a fault, an open book. The answers he receives from the noble start to unnerve him; make him feel like he's supposed to be able to just pick up where he left off. With a heavy heart, he tries to express his uncertainties…
"I know I feel something between us, taicho. I just…don't know…if its love…"
Stop.
"...or gratitude or...I want to give back to you what you deserve, not something I think I might owe you."
Stop please.
"If you give me time, I know I can learn to love you... if that's what it is."
He had never felt white hot pain, burning through him like those words searing into his mind, his heart. He had heard them before, those words, coming from the delicate lips of a fragile woman. He had taken those words to heart then, had bet for a future where he could have had those words paid in full. It was not to be. His wife had died before they had borne fruit.
One promise he had made to his own soul, above all other promises to dying spouses or dead ancestors, was to never settle for those words ever again. He would be damned first.
That's where he felt he was.
In hell.
The tentative proposal he had discussed with the Thirteenth Division now seems like his only salvation. He had originally submitted the plan as an alternate, in the event his fukutaicho could not connect with his zanpakuto. He would not send his subordinate out to patrol if he could not even call his soul slayer into shikai. Ironically, he would now use it to save himself.
Empirically, his analytical mind takes over for his failing emotional one. He is able to find some fragment of comfort in the cold, calculating, detachedness of duty. Wrapping the last vestiges of self preservation around him like the tattered and threadbare cloak it now was, the Kuchiki heir makes the only decision he can.
"Abarai fukutaicho...you will report for your mission to patrol Karakura town as directed, tomorrow. After this last duty to the Sixth Division, you will be transferred to the Thirteenth Division, under Ukitake taicho. Do not report to me or the Sixth Division taisha upon your return."
Renji is stunned. He could see that what he had said had changed his taicho; the captain's entire reiatsu had shifted. It was glacial…and protective of the one inside.
"K-Kuchiki taicho! Don't do this!" he argued.
"Abarai fukutaicho. It is apparent that you are not the same man I used to know. That Abarai Renji died in the war over a year ago. I cannot be your captain any longer...do not ask me to do so." His voice is steady, but the Kuchiki can barely stand, his knees are weak and his head is throbbing...but he knows he must get through this...he has withstood harsher…physical…pain before. "You will not suffer a demotion or blight to your record with this transfer...."
"Fuck the demotion! Fuck the records! Taicho!"
"Silence Abarai!" the noble struggles to keep it together...he clenches his teeth; he will not debase himself by faltering his words. "Remember your place. It is my final decision...now...leave."
"Kuchiki taicho....please!" the subordinate begs, taking a few steps forward in entreaty.
"Leave me!" the tense noble can feel the man move towards him, and wants nothing to do with the imposter in his presence. The deluded captain can't believe he has raised his voice...that he has betrayed his body to this kind of petulant emotion....but neither can he comprehend this ending that is laid out before him.
Distressed, the fukutaicho is at a loss. He can feel his captain's reiatsu rise up in front of him like a barrier, telling him in no uncertain terms to keep his distance. He wants to say anything that would change what has just occurred. In truth, he knows his words would be false, their meaning empty to this man he has just eviscerated with his honesty.
Defeated, he leaves.
As the noble feels the unfamiliar reiatsu fade into nothingness, he finally allows himself to falter.
Staring into empty space, he feels the coldness wrap around his heart, seep into his bones. His legs, no longer able to support him, fail, and he sinks onto his knees onto the cold ground. He remains there, trembling, unseeing...unable to direct his body to get up.
Sakura petals float down softly around him…they fall like the tears he is unable to shed... surrounding the noble in their sorrow.