She woke at once, her eyes trying to adjust to the grey shadows and blue light filtering in. It felt cold, but a blanket was wrapped around her, keeping her warm. Her body felt so tired, but comfortable, she just wanted to lie here for a while and stretch out. The past two days had drained her. How long had she slept? She still remembered seeing the last sunlight, it must have been 9 or 10 hours. Has it really been that long? She inhaled deeply, smelling him. At once she remembered. It was his blanket and his bed. Her head whipped around, she was alone in the room. Then she heard him bustling in the kitchen.
As she was listening to him, she could smell herself, in bad need of a shower. That would waste some time and give her one more reason to avoid him, not wanting to deal with him right now. With a last stretch, she got up and quietly walked out to the hallway and up the stairs and found the bathroom in the first door. Stepping to the sink, she turned on the faucet and splashed her face with cold water, washing her sleep away. It was so cold that it stung, but it cleared her head. She tried to sort through the thoughts bombarding her. Yesterday, he had caught her red-handed trying to send out a message to SHIELD, she had honestly expected not to walk away from that. But he had held back, that had been obvious. After their falling out, he had dragged her over to his bed to let her sleep there. He was playing games. She didn't like any of this at all, looking at herself in the mirror.
Her reflection was frowning, and tired. She had scratches and scabs on her throat. She would decrypt his damn file and get the hell out, one way or another.
She looked around. This bathroom wasn't actually half-bad looking, it wasn't as dirty as the rest of the house. She turned around and tested the shower, yep, it produced warm water. She felt dirty and sticky from the previous day, her stay in the cabin like an eternity ago. The door lock worked and snapped shut. Not in a hurry, she took off her clothes, even as it hurt to move and twist all her muscles. She inspected her naked body. There were too many bruises to count, all in various states of red and blue color. She traced over them lightly. She supposed she should be angry at him for those, but she wasn't. It was an all too familiar sight to her, with or without him in the picture, her lifestyle brought that with it. She inspected her stitches, they still looked good, healing. Finally, she stepped into the shower, just standing under the hot water for a while, letting her mind go blank. When she felt calm and relaxed, she started scrubbing herself clean, there was a soap bottle and towels for her to use. Probably things that he had brought in.
He hadn't bothered her during her shower. With her hair still damp, she walked back downstairs and into the kitchen. His laptop was sitting on the counter, next to hers. She looked at the code blurring in long lines, rattling down the screen. It hadn't found a way in yet. She had been too fixated on the laptop, when her eyes discovered a surprise on the rest of the counter. There were new grocery bags sitting on it.
"Found the shower?" he asked her quietly behind her.
She flinched. "Mhm." She answered without looking up. He stepped towards the counter and started going through the bags. No trace of anger from yesterday. He paused when he found something, then held it in front of her with one arm. A can of instant coffee. She looked up at him incredulously, his face expressionless.
"Is that for me?"
"Yep."
"How did you.. when did you go buy all that?" She finally turned to face him.
"This morning." He was still holding out the can."You were sleeping pretty deeply, I didn't want to wake you up."
She took the coffee out of his hands. Staring at the several full bags, she couldn't believe that she had not heard him leave or come back.
"I got a few groceries, there are some things for you in there, too."
She started going through the bags, he had bought her - or stolen, she wasn't sure - toiletry articles, shampoo, a toothbrush, and other things. She was stunned. He had been close to killing her yesterday, and she hated him immensely for his intrusion and constant nerve wrecking manners. And at the same time he acted as if he cared about her. He didn't have to do all things, if he hadn't wanted to.
He was being manipulative, she saw right through it, there was an intention to this all. He wanted to keep her long enough for something. Not sure what to say, she glanced at him. But he wasn't watching or expecting anything from her, he was making a cold sandwich, which took all his attention. She followed his idea.
000
They ate their breakfast in silence. She was enjoying the instant coffee, which was probably the second best thing of this morning, right after the shower.
"Natasha."
She met his eyes.
"Who were you trying to contact?" His brows furrowed, as if he really didn't know the answer, or pretended.
"SHIELD." She answered with a sigh. "But it didn't work, the signal here is terrible."
He nodded. "If SHIELD showed up here, what did you think would happen? Do you want me to kill more of your friends?" He put an emphasis on that last word, as if it was a lie.
"No, I wouldn't want that." She said calmly. "But you are just one person, and there are a lot of agents." Did he think he was invincible? She thought back on the freeway. He had had resembled a one-man army that day.
"I have fought against worst odds." He shrugged. "SHIELD is weak, they have been crumbling. And what you did, brought them completely to their knees."
She didn't answer, it was partly the truth. But she had uploaded their entire databases to the internet in order to fight the Hydra corruption. She couldn't feel bad for her decision. "Will you go back to Hydra?" She asked him suddenly.
"No." His answer was immediate. "I'm better off on my own."
On some level of her, she could sympathize with him. She had been there, defecting from a former organization, that had treated her badly. He was done eating and put up the leftover food and dishes. Then turned towards her.
"Show me more about your laptop, I want to understand how it works."
She raised her eyebrows. A go to hell was on her lips. But she swallowed it down.
"Does that mean I get it back?" She would rather have it back, than not do anything at all.
He picked it up and handed it to her wordlessly.
They sat back down together. She felt the tension in the air, he must have been aware, too, but he never showed that it bothered him. Her mind kept going back to their fight yesterday. He had acted extremely dangerous, but he had not lost it, like in the cabin. She knew the danger she was in, especially once he didn't need her anymore. She would need to stall him for a bit, afraid of what would happen once his file was open. She could slow down the decryption subtly, although that wouldn't work forever. She just needed to buy more time.
She spent a good part of the next hours showing him how networks and file structures worked and how to access them, and teaching him very basic coding techniques. He soaked up all the information, highly interested. That session had been a long one, and her throat was getting hoarse, from talking so much. She needed to get up. He must have noticed her fidgeting. He let her take a break, and she couldn't get away fast enough from him.
She needed some alone time, it was rare that she spent that much time with a single person, anywhere. The grocery bags crinkled when she looked through them again, taking her new bathroom articles. It was dead silent in the bathroom, but it was heaven to her. She took her time to brush her teeth, tame her messy hair and put lotion on her face and body. This felt about a thousand times better. Her mind was in a better place now, as long as she didn't think about him. She came back downstairs and went on reading her magazines alone in the kitchen, while he tried applying his new computer knowledge on his own.
000
It had turned evening, they had skipped lunch. She hadn't been particularly hungry, but now pangs were gnawing on her stomach. She had seen all sorts of groceries in his bags this morning. Thrifting through them, she got a few ideas on what to cook.
Soon after, bacon was sizzling in an old pan, and she had opened canned green beans with it and boiled dumplings in the other pot. He had followed the smell and she saw his surprise on his usually empty face.
He went to make himself a plate, while she stepped aside, letting him go first. He had been calm all day, but she knew it could turn in a heartbeat. Her tone with him had been formal, biting back her remarks as much as she could.
The food tasted delicious even to her, and to her surprise it had all turned out well. He enjoyed his plate quietly, leaning on the long counter. She preferred to sit on the counter again, in absence of chairs and tables.
"Do you like to cook?" He asked suddenly, cutting through the silence. He had eaten almost everything and was watching her finish her meal. I wish he wouldn't stare all the time. His question made her almost laugh, it was so out of the blue.
"Me? No. I usually don't cook. I can warm things up in the microwave. But that's how far it goes. I have never really learned it." Which was the truth. She didn't enjoy it, it took too long.
"But you just made all this." He pointed out.
"That was all easy, honestly." She explained."It gets tricky when you have to combine ingredients, I can never get the taste right."
"Why not. It doesn't seem all that difficult."
She gave him an incredulous look. "I just don't have the time for it. I'm not exactly at home a lot." Her life simply wasn't very domestic, she had to travel constantly, within the country and abroad. The last years had been especially tumultuous for SHIELD. A life involving a home, a husband and a dog had just never appealed to her, too much baggage. He looked at her, as if reading her mind.
"You seem to have a very colorful life." It sounded like he was trying to hint at something. He looked calculating from behind his dark hair. She shifted around on the counter, not wanting to answer him.
"How do you like your life so far?" She asked him instead.
He studied her. "It has been… interesting." Pausing. "Do you like being a SHIELD agent?"
She furrowed her eyebrows. Where did that come from?
"It is what I chose to be." She evaded his question and put her plate down next to her. "There are good and bad days." The bad days are, when I meet people like you. But she didn't say it out loud. She felt this conversation was taking a wrong turn. He was steering her into a direction.
"You haven't been with SHIELD for a long time. It says in your file. I did take the time to read it all."
She knew that he had. Her hands were on her lap, clasped together. Putting her file out there had been a huge mistake, even though it had been unavoidable at the same time.
"It's quite interesting in fact. You have moved around a lot." He continued, observing her, measuring her reaction. He was finished with his plate and stepped next to her, sitting it next to her on the counter. She could feel his presence on her, being only in arms reach. She sensed that he wanted something and hoped he wouldn't see how nervous he was making her.
"Well. My file is an open book now. Unfortunately." Something she wished she could undo. "Did you like what you saw?" Her voice cynical. It was all out there for everyone to see, her aliases, her past relationships, the crimes she had committed.
"You have done quite a lot of things. Impressive things. I knew I wanted you to work on my file as soon as I became aware. Also-" he cocked his head. "Nobody would miss you. You work notoriously solo for long periods of time." She didn't answer him, there was nothing to say.
"But, as big as your file is, it also has big gaps." He continued, looking at her. She just returned his gaze, keeping a neutral expression on her face. He stepped around to face her. It had the characteristic of a predator, ready to pounce. She tensed innerly, readying herself for whatever.
"Before you became SHIELD, you worked in Russia." Cutting to the meat of it. He was facing her. It's about Russia then. Of course it was. A lot of those parts actually weren't public info. Especially the parts that included him and her, they had never been documented in her SHIELD file. She looked up to him, strands of red hair falling in her face, his eyes bore into her, digging for her secrets.
He slowly brought his hand up to her face, she moved her head back away from him and swatted it away.
"Stop." She was angry, but he wasn't backing down.
He stepped even closer and pushed his way in between her legs, putting his bionic hand on her thigh to hold her there. Her right hand shot out, pressing flatly in his chest, to keep him at arms length. All 230 pounds of him were towering over her, she wouldn't be able to stop him.
"Don't come any closer." She said quietly, warning him.
He looked at her between his dark chunks of hair. "Tell me more about Russia."
"I can't." She lied, her voice husky. "The KGB did something to me, I can't remember. Sound familiar?" His hand felt heavy on her leg.
He put his right hand under her chin, she tried to evade it, but he forced her look at him. He studied her eyes. She drew in a deep breath, holding it. Studying him in return. The messy dark hair, always falling in his face, the deep, pale eyes with a storm behind them. He had a hint of stubble on his sides and chin, the curve of his mouth. In another life he would have been very handsome. His hand reached over to her hair, holding a red strand between his fingers. She was suddenly very afraid he would see something in it that he recognized.
"Stop-" Her voice just a whisper. His eyes darted back to hers, connecting. Something dark and unspoken passed between them. As if both had come to a realization. As if he understood something now. His expression changed to something that was somehow familiar to her, but she couldn't categorize it. She had to look away, glaring down on his armored vest right in front of her. She could feel his breath, just inches away, feel him between her thighs, pushing against her. A knot was pulling in her stomach, she was standing on the edge of an abyss, vast emptiness right beyond her feet and if she took one more step, she would be falling. She couldn't take any more.
"Please-" Her hand was still on his chest, she pushed him back.
He didn't react at first. His weight pushing back into her, trying to get her to respond. Then he slowly stepped back, his arms fell off her. She couldn't look at him, keeping her eyes on the floor.
She slid off the counter and wordlessly almost ran past him, out of the kitchen, out of this intensity, and lied down on the blankets, facing the wall. She shuddered, her heartbeat racing. Her mind was a storm and completely blank at the same time. She forced herself to not think.
Something had happened between them and it had shaken her to the inner core, it felt like the deep, dark place that she had been trying to avoid. She lied awake alone for a long time, before sleep finally came.