Chapter 10

Lord Selwyn had ordered a hole to be dug in the family grounds. Brienne had wanted Duncan laid to rest before nightfall. She knew it was no small task as the ground was frozen, but she needed this to be over. She had to stop holding him, hoping that she would see life that would never come, and the only way she was going to let him go was when she put him in the ground. There would be no ceremony in the sept. Just her family together to lay him in the ground. While they waited, Selwyn had come in to see his daughter. He understood what she was going through. He had lost three perfect children- though he had not carried them. He had shared the excitement and dreams of the future with his wife. He remembered laying in bed with his hand on her stomach and feeling the tiny movements each of his children made. His heart broke for his own child. He imagined that she sat in bed alone with her hands on her stomach to feel her babe move while she thought on the future. He no longer cared that she wasn't married. He had seen how excited she was and it was all he had wanted for her.

Sansa had been moving about her room to pick up the soiled linens and remove dirty basins of water. Arya had come in as well, but she didn't have anything comforting to say. She was sad and she knew Brienne was hurting, but she didn't have the words. She wasn't sure Brienne even knew they were in there. She was drifting between staring at her son and staring out her window. If she knew they were there, she was not acknowledging them. She decided that she would always keep herself supplied with moon tea whether she married or not- she would not go through what Brienne was going through.

When everything was in order, Sansa and Selwyn helped Brienne walk to the wagon to be taken to the burial ground. She was so weak that she was barely able to make it to the wagon. She hated the show of helplessness, but she scarce had a choice. She had been grateful that her father had insisted that he be buried with their family in the grand meadow atop a hill that overlooked the sea. It was a phenomenal place. There were wildflowers that bloomed in the spring and summer in amazing colors that were a vibrant contrast to the sapphire seas beyond and lush, green grass covering the land. There were trees that shaded the graves from the summer sun and coated the ground in red and gold in autumn. He would rest easy there with her mother and her siblings. While she knew that their bodies and graves were merely symbols after death, she felt at peace with him being there.

The sky was black when they reached their destination. The torches were burning bright, leading the way and surrounding the small party with light. Sansa and Selwyn had resumed their positions at Brienne's sides to aide her steps. She was lost in her mind as they moved forward. She couldn't take her eyes off his face. She never wanted to forget the way he looked. She was never going to get to look upon him again. She could feel hot tears on her cheeks. Everything was feeling so real now and so very final. She hadn't been ready for this. She had been ready for crying and feeding and swaddling. She had been ready for first steps and first words and first injury. She had been ready to teach him how to swim and ride a horse and swing a sword. She had not been ready for silence or sorrow or darkness, but that is what she had been left with. She wasn't ready to let him go when they arrived at the freshly dug grave. Arya was the most agile and she hopped down into the hole. It wasn't too deep, but Brienne was not going to be able to reach the bottom even as she sat on the ground. Arya had brought one of her beautiful wolf pelts from Winterfell with them and laid it on the cold ground. She knew it truly wouldn't matter, but it just felt more appropriate. She smoothed the fur out and waited for Brienne to relinquish the body of her child. Brienne's tears fell more freely as she kissed his soft forehead and hugged him close. She held him like that for a moment before she hesitantly placed him in Arya's arms. She hadn't held a baby since Rickon was born. She rarely felt emotions like sorrow any longer, but looking at this baby that should have been a bright new life in their dark world- she felt it keenly.

Arya knelt on the fur and gently laid Duncan in the center. She reached to her belt and pulled a smaller version of Needle from it. When she had learned of Brienne's child, she had the sword made for him, or her as they didn't know what it would be. She wasn't sentimental, but Jon giving her Needle was one of the finest moments in her life and she had wanted to do that for Brienne's child. It had been finished and waiting in her chambers for it's home at his side and now it would be with him forever. Brienne was overcome when the tiny sword was laid next to him. She knew Arya was very much like her and that fur and that sword were more precious than anything she could imagine. It was Arya's way to show how much she cared for Brienne and Duncan, even before he had been born. She felt a bit guilty feeling so sad and so sorry for herself when she was surrounded by so much love.

Arya gracefully pulled herself from the grave. Everyone stood in silence with the exception of Brienne, who sat. Brienne had planned to pray like the others, but when the time came she wasn't sure why. Her son had met the Stranger hours before. No prayers would guide him further nor bring him back. She waited for what felt an appropriate amount of time before she struggled to stand on her own. Sansa and Selwyn were upon her immediately to help her up. All but two torchbearers lit the path back to the wagon. The remaining two stayed behind with Arya, who had taken on the task of filling in the grave.

When Brienne was back in her chambers and in her bed, she could feel the physical pain that came from her exertion. Her entire body throbbed. Days of labor had left her muscles well passed strained and she felt as though her entrails would fall out from between her legs. She writhed in bed in an attempt to relieve the pain, but there was none to be found.

"Lord Selwyn, I will see if the maester will bring some milk of the poppy to help her." Sansa spoke quietly before she left the room.

Selywn wasn't given the opportunity to respond so he just nodded his head as the door closed behind her. He knelt beside Brienne's bed, which had been freshened while they were gone. She was on her side, her eyes pinched closed and her body rocking slightly in agony. He reached out and grasped her hand. There was nothing he could do or say that would make her feel better. He had felt helpless many times and it never grew easier. He was the Evanstar, for goodness sake. He ruled his people with confidence, fairness, and compassion. He was not meant to be helpless. Yet, when it came to his family, he had no control and it pained him. Soon, Sansa had returned with a small vial of the white liquid. It took some work to convince Brienne to drink it, but finally the vial was empty and the effects took hold.

Brienne stirred awake. She was so warm and content. She could feel skin pressed against her back and she realized that she was naked and there was someone with her. She stretched and the arm around her pulled her closer. For some reason, she was not alarmed at this. She rolled over and found herself looking at Sandor. She smiled at him and he pulled her into a kiss. It was like they hadn't been apart. Their legs tangled and slid against each other. Suddenly he felt less solid- his dense bulk pressing against her was dissipating until he turned to ash and he scattered in a sudden wind. She jumped out of the bed and she was fully clothed, in wool and fur. There was snow billowing all around her as the bed and the room faded away. Inside the furs she held her son against her. He was older and had bright blue eyes with that chestnut colored hair. He was watching the snowflakes fall with such wonder. She was so confused. What was happening? Where was she? This had to be a dream, but she felt awake. Sandor's body had felt so real just as the child in her arms did. They could not be real for her child was not alive. She willed herself to wake up as he became lighter in her arms. No, no! Don't take him from me again. Then, just like Sandor had, he melted away into ash and was carried away by the wind. She dropped to her knees, sobbing. The world around her was white and empty. A voice was calling out to her, but she couldn't see the source. She struggled to stand, but she couldn't get up. It was like she was tied down. She started fighting against bonds that she couldn't see. The voice was getting louder, but she couldn't see... She was trapped in the white vastness.

Her eyes shot open and she found Tully blue eyes looking down at her. It was daytime as there was dim light filtering into her chambers. She was covered in sweat, her shift and bedding was sticking to her skin. She was nauseous and pain rolled through her body with every breath she took.

"No dreamwine. No Milk of the Poppy." Brienne managed to say.

"You were in pain. You needed some relief so you could rest." Sansa's voice was calm.

She shook her head, "That was not rest."

Sansa nodded. "Can I get you anything? Something to eat? Or mayhaps drink?"

"No. I don't want anything."

"It has been 4 days since you have eaten. You need something."

"I don't think I can eat. I just want to sleep. Please, see if Maester Myrton has Essence of Nightshade.

"Are you sure?"

"I am, Sansa." She realized how harsh she was being. "Please?"

"I will request it on the condition that you will eat something when you wake up. It doesn't need to be much, but you have to try."

"Fine." Satisfied with Brienne's answer, Sansa did as she said she would. She promptly returned with a small glass of wine with three drops in it. She wasn't about to bring the bottle. Soon, Brienne was asleep again.

Sansa was determined to be there for Brienne. After she had come to her rescue when she and Theon had fled Winterfell... She owed her everything. Ramsey was a monster. She didn't even want to imagine what he would have done to her if she had been returned to him that night. Brienne had been her gallant Knight- despite her sex. By law, however, Brienne would hold no such title. She was a Lady, almost equal to that of Sansa. By birth, she was no servant though she pledged to serve the Stark children. Sansa had been cared for her entire life and partook in all that being a Lady offered her. Brienne had foregone such comforts and spent her life in the training yard. She had not allowed herself to simply be cared for. But now Sansa would care for Brienne as she deserved. She would serve her in the only way she knew how. She needed someone to push her to live. Sansa would not allow her to waste away.