Chapter 10 - Ana

The man in white, when would she see him next? And why was she seeing him at all? Who was he? And what did he want?

Ana sat on the curb of the barren street as she fiddled with her fingers and looked down at the pavement purposely. Three. Three times she had seen the man in white and each time it felt like her heart was about to beat out of her chest. The first time was outside the bar as she had so wonderfully spiraled down from her high thanks to Christian. The second time had been in the door way of the bedroom, which nearly scared the shit out of her as she awoke to find that she was being watched. And the third time had been just now.

"Go away." She mumbled to herself as she closed her eyes shut.

He never said or did anything. The man in white just stood there with no expression on his face. It was as if he were a hologram. Not completely real, but whole enough to make the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

"Please."

Unsure whether to keep this spook to herself or not, Ana knew that despite her fear of the man in white, who seemed harmless, she did not want to burden Christian with her problems. He had enough of his own as it was.

Ever since that day, when he fell to floor unconscious and awoke distraught and shaken he had not been the same. The unspoken battle that conflicted inside him had shattered his existence, and she wished she knew why, but remained hushed about the matter. He wasn't a man who liked to talk. In fact, they hadn't done much talking at all. Warmth rushed to her cheeks at the thought of how they had truly occupied their time, and any thoughts of the man in white had washed away.

Sex had become a distraction. A welcoming one at most. It took their minds off the illusion of their reality. It was an escape that magnified their senses and focused on the now. It was a body shattering high that was addicting and just the thought of his mouth, his touch, his body pressed against hers was enough to make her crave the distraction more.

"Ana." Her name reached her ears and she was quickly swept away again from one thought to the next. The man in white had vanished, just like he had the two other times before as she reopened her eyes to find the street empty again, except for him. Christian hovered behind her and she rose to her feet brushing her hands against her backside.

"Are you okay?" His concern was laced with knowing. Deep down she knew Christian was aware of what was going on, maybe more so than she did. Deep down she knew whatever ugly truth he held safe inside was bad. Deep down she knew the possibility of her fate, her reality, but was too scared to say it out loud. Announcing what she knew as the worse case scenario would make it real and right now she didn't want to face reality. She wanted the illusion, the chance to be free of responsibility, and the emotional connection that her and Christian had stirred up since day one.

"Yes." She lied as her eyes scanned the street. Nope, they were completely alone. Just the two of them.

"Come, I want to show you something." Christian nodded his head in the opposite direction and she followed, but not before she checked over her shoulder once more. Anywhere and anytime the man in white could reappear and she felt on edge. Not because she feared him, but of what he meant. Some underlying meaning was hidden in his silhouette, she knew it. But what? She had a theory, one that matched her worse case scenario and it sent a shiver down her spine.

A city of this size should not be this quiet, she observed as they passed stores, buildings, offices, restaurants, bars, and the rest of the establishments that made up the lined the streets. She imagined the sound of honking horns, faint music, and the aroma of exhaust mixed with local dining that should be filling the air around them, but none of it could be found. Only the footsteps of her and Christian echoed on the pavement and it made her sad. The silence allowed her mind to wander to the depths of her soul. Somewhere buried amongst the rumble that trapped her was her true self. The girl that lived and breathed with memory. Now, she was nothing more than a body that drifted along reacting to the present.

Ana shuddered at the morbid thought. She hated that she felt all doom and gloom, but it was impossible not to be consumed by such a depressing thought. It wasn't everyday you woke up in a strange place with a strange man with little explanation of where you were and who you are. A lost soul at most.

"I wished you smiled more." His words took her by surprise.

"What?" She asked even though she had heard him clear as day.

"I miss the girl from the first day. She smiled and laughed." Christian noted. He bowed his head and placed his hands in his pockets.

"It's a little hard to smile and laugh when things keep giving me reason not to." Ana replied. Her heart sunk at her response and she cringed knowing how awful it sounded, but it was the truth. Besides the moments that they found their naked limbs tangled together, there wasn't much joy to be had. Sure, there were small instances that made her smirk or briefly forget about the negative side effects that this place offered, but those were rare. And usually those rare moments came on Christian's behalf. He was trying and so was she because somehow they had to find the good in this. Somehow they had to hang on.

"Anyways, most of that was due to liquor."

"Blame it on the alcohol." He playfully snickered.

"Where are we going?" Ana sighed. The street ahead of them seemed long. This had been the farthest they had ventured off from home base, if that's what you would call their initial meeting place.

"It's not much further." Christian assured her. His lips quivered daring to rise into a smirk. There was that rare moment. A moment of happiness, excitement that radiated off him and reflected back on to her.

Suppressing her grin, she continued to walk next to him down the street. Somehow the buildings got taller and she began to feel smaller. Behind each door held some secret, some truth and she wondered what answers they could find if they really explored. But the chance of that was slim because the truth was a lot closer than she ever thought it would be. The truth walked, talked, and bottled itself away in the form of Christian. A fire lit within her core knowing he was being selfish, whether he thought it was right or not. His lips were sealed and the key was no where to be found. He was a ticking time bomb because eventually he would spill and the truth would drown her, she just wondered when that would be and if she would ever be ready for it.

Thump. Ana paused as the low sound startled her. One, two, three steps Christian took before he stopped, too. He looked over his shoulder at her with a questioning expression.

Thump. There it was again. At first she thought maybe she had just heard a faint sound that was created in her imagination, but this was real. This was not internal. This was external and near. Ana listened carefully again.

"What's wrong? Why did you stop?" He asked. A shade of white casted over his complexion and he appeared nervous.

"I heard something."

"Heard what?" Christian asked his eyes darting every which way.

"Like a thump." Ana answered and she placed her hand over her heart. Like her beating heart? Maybe she had been delusional because now the sound had ceased. Maybe she had dipped into her soul so deep that she had heard her own heart beating in its rib cage loudly, but that was odd either way.

"I think I'm losing it." She whispered.

His hand touched her shoulder and she peered up at him through her hooded gaze. "Come." He insisted. No agreement on whether her insanity was intact or not, he didn't acknowledge what had just happened. He ignored it and she knew he had heard it, too. But why had he been so quick to dismiss it?

Turning on his heel, he grabbed her hand and she followed again. What was that? First, the man in white and now a thumping sound. Tears formed suddenly in her eyes and she fought the urge to cry. Insane or not, something or someone was trying to reach out to her. A message from beyond. Ana let out a shaky breath feeling the reality sink in and wash over her.

She stayed solemn until she felt her arm being nearly pulled out her socket. He tugged her along as he feet dragged and metaphorically melted into the asphalt because right now all she felt like doing was falling and never getting back up. The depression was taking hold of her again, and she wasn't stopping it. She didn't know how.

"I think it's, yes!" Christian mumbled to himself.

Unsure of where his excitement had stemmed from, Ana glanced up to find what had made him so eager. Her mouth gaped open at the sight before her and she moved freely with him as they moved closer to their destination. "Wow."

Beyond the buildings, skyscrapers, and lonely streets was the most beautiful thing she had seen since she wound up here. A massive body of water crashed along the shore and the concrete barriers that prevented it from trickling over into the uncivilized area. In the distance, a tiny lighthouse painted white with red roofing sat upon a makeshift rock island. The water swayed rhythmically around it. A pier branched off the street that ran parallel to the water sat empty and scarce. From where they stood it almost looked haunted, but so did this entire place as they were the only two to inhabit it.

"I knew it." He murmured and let go over her hand. Christian walked closer to the edge of the hard surface and she watched as his shoulders rose and fell as he inhaled the scent of fresh air. He stayed like this for a minute before he looked back at her and urged her to join him.

"How did you know about this?" Ana curiously wondered seeing as the there was no hint of this from where they had been before.

"At the bar there was a picture on the wall." He explained. His gaze still admired the beauty before them. "It was a picture of a lake and somehow I just knew."

"What picture?"

"In the hallway toward the bathrooms. It caught my eye earlier. It was beautiful and somehow I knew this place wasn't far." Christian sighed.

Silence engulfed them as they stared out at the miles of water that just seemed to go on and on. Blue sky, blue water, and his blue eyes scanning the surface angelically. Ana silently watched him as his face relaxed for the first time in awhile. When he wasn't so worried or closed off, he appeared young. Life was a blessing and right now he was being blessed by so much of it. She wished he would look like this more often, and immediately she thought back on his observation. I wished you smiled more. Like she said, it was hard to find a reason to smile when there weren't many, but right now, here with him looking out at Mother Nature's creation was reason enough. And so she smiled.

Air expanded her lungs. The sound of the water as it danced along the shore and the other solid objects that got in its way soothed her. Her body gravitated toward the ground gracefully as she sat with her legs crossed and let herself accept the moment for what it truly was, beautiful. New tears formed in her eyes not from fright or the unknown, but from joy that she thought she could no longer feel. Up until this moment, she did not realize how much she needed a moment like this to breathe, feel, and let go of her anxiety. It was the closest thing to perfect.

"Thank you." Ana exhaled with her eyes closed.

"You're welcome." Christian answered. Somehow he just knew what her words meant without an explanation. The way he took notice to her actions, reactions, and subtly. Had a man ever been so keen to her before? Had a man ever looked at her the way he was in this very moment?

"What?" She filled the void of speech that appeared to be missing.

"There it is."

What was he talking about? What was there?

Christian lifted his hand and brushed his thumb across her bottom lip. He traced the outline as it moved up and he mirrored her expression. "That smile." The genuine appreciation for such a simple gesture was apparent. Did she really have that great of a smile?

"All thanks to this and you." She motioned out toward the lake and then locked her eyes back on him. Something was shifting. Something was changing. The attraction from before was glowing. It was expanding ten folds. Her heart pulsed at a different pace. The way her palms sweat was new. Why was she feeling nervous? Why was she feeling like this at all?

"I want to kiss you." Christian stated, as if he was asking for permission. Why now? Nothing had stopped him before. In fact, nothing stopped him from ravaging her body and stripping her down to the her very core.

"Then kiss me." The words were out of her mouth before she could process. Leaning in, he touched the back of her neck gently and his eyes fell to her lips. Delicate, careful, and sweet he kissed her. No urgency was behind it. His lips stayed upon hers like this for a few seconds and then it was over. "That's it?"

Hurt. There was hurt in his eyes and she knew this time he didn't understand what she meant.

"Hours before you couldn't pry yourself away and now your just so," she sighed. "Calm."

"Trust me." Something sparkled in his eyes. "It's taking every ounce in my body not to lay you down here and have my way with you."

And there is was, the lust that coursed through his veins for her, and her for him. If he didn't stop looking at her like this she was about to jump him. She wanted his lips upon hers. She wanted him, but it wasn't the time or place. Sex was not the answer. It was not the distraction they needed. Right here, right now, this was all they needed.

Taking the adventures onward, they had traveled to the pier that creaked as the winds rustled past them. A ferris wheel towered over her and the empty cars swung back and forth. With no one inside those cars, it just appeared creepy. A place that normally would gather lot of people screamed abandoned and unwelcoming. It unnerved her.

The once deep blue water was now dark and the way the waves crashed below her were not as enticing as it had been earlier. As light faded and night time shallowed her whole, the ominous lurking of the unknown crept. The lingering of her morbid thoughts swayed inside her head as she desperately tried to push them away. More and more, she knew she could not pretend to be OK with what was going on forever. No matter how wonderful it felt to be kissed, held, and worshipped by him, somewhere past the dark waters was the light. A bright shining light that would guide her to where she should be.

Ana drew in a long breath. Should. She should be somewhere else, not here. However, that didn't mean she wanted to be there. Honestly, she didn't know where she belonged. Here. There. Everywhere. Nowhere. The confusion that came with each waking minute tortured her because she felt as if she was being pulled every which way. One way said, YES! The other way screamed, NO! How was she supposed to chose when she didn't know which was right and which was wrong.

"You're doing it again." Christian's tone showed signs of disapproval.

Returning from his hunt for food, water, and some warmer clothing, he draped a jacket over her shoulders and handed her a tray of french fries. The growl in her stomach had stopped. Her appetite had vanished. But the chill was very much alive.

"Doing what?" Ana asked setting the fries down.

"Letting all of this get the best of you." He waved his hand in front of him. "Don't. I try not to."

"I'm sorry that I can't keep things bottled up inside me like you do." Her voice was a little harsh.

"Ana, stop." Christian warned her.

The pressure was in her chest again. Their peaceful moment from before was now just a memory. She enjoyed it really, but once again it was just another distraction. One she knew would fade. She had just hoped it hadn't been so quick.

"I can't." She confessed.

All these dark thoughts, she couldn't just keep them to herself anymore. Maybe he could keep the truth from her and all his emotions inside, but she couldn't. She needed to vent. She needed to say what she had been thinking out loud since the moment she got here. Whether she was right or wrong, she didn't care. If she didn't, she was sure she was going to burst into a million pieces and scattered her soul across this city and the lake.

"I just," Ana leaned forward pressing her elbows into her legs. She placed her hand below her chin for support. "This place. It scares me, and yet I find comfort in it. That's messed up."

"No, it's not." He whispered. "Because I feel that, too."

"It's like my body wants to be in two places at once. I want to be here, but I want to be there, too."

"And what's so great about there that you want to go to it?" Christian asked.

A minute passed before she spoke. "I don't know." She shook her head. "I honestly don't know. I just feel drawn to it."

This time he did not respond and she figured she wouldn't get one as she continued to spill her heart and soul out to him about how she felt about this place.

"You don't have to say anything." Ana announced. "In fact, I don't want you to say anything. I just want you to listen because I need to talk. I need to get this off my chest, whether I'm right or wrong, it's eating me alive."

The slight nod out of the corner of her eyes told her he understood. She quickly glanced his way and saw how he stared out over the water with intensity. No emotion to he traced along his perfectly structured face.

"I know what happened, I think," Her voice began to quiver. "This place. This is the end. This is where you come to be judged before you die, I think." Nothing. Not a peep out of him or any sign that he agreed. She blinked her eyes feeling the threat of tears again.

"And maybe you were right in the beginning, maybe this is our second chance to redeem ourselves." her hand reached for the tear that fell and wiped it away. "Maybe we have to prove ourselves worthy. I don't know. But how long will it be before our judgement is served?"

Life and death, you don't really think about it until you're faced with it. And right now, she had no idea what she was facing. A second chance at life or death at a young age? If she really was on the brink of departing, then what had happened? How did she end up here and why? Did she deserve to be here or was she put here without choice? So many questions and so little answers.

"I guess we'll never know until it's time."

"Are you done?" Christian finally dared to speak.

"What is wrong with you?"

All he had to do was listen. He didn't have to be so rude. Intentional or not, clearly this topic was off limits with him and she just wanted to know why. Actually, she knew why because something had happened to him back in that apartment. Something spooked him so bad, that he had vowed to not talk about it at all and that bothered her.

"Nothing!" He gritted through his teeth.

"Bullshit. Something is bothering you and we both know it." Ana turned to face him. "You do know it's unhealthy to keep your emotions inside. You do know that at some point you're going to have to tell me what happened to you."

"I don't have to do shit!" Christian argued. His forehead wrinkled as he squinted his eyes and looked at her. "For once in my life, I don't have to answer to anyone but myself."

"What does that mean? Wait, do you remember?" Her defense dropped like a pile of bricks, hard and heavy. The anger that rose inside her evaporated because now she wondered if this was what he had been holding back from her.

"No. I don't remember." The defeat in his voice was genuine. He really didn't know. It had just been statement. "No matter who we are, we all answer to someone. And for the first time, I don't have to do that. I don't have to abide by rules. I don't really have to think. I just can be...free."

"Free?"

"Yes, free." He replied.

"I never really thought of it that way."

"Well, maybe you should start." This wasn't a suggestion. It was more of a request.

Rising to her feet, Ana placed her hands on her hips, "I'll do whatever I damn please, thank you." She stated. "I may take your advice, but that doesn't mean I have to answer to you."

"I never said you did." Christian mumbled.

"Well, you sure act like I should." He would deny that. This argument would get them nowhere, but she heated and so was he and she felt the hateful words leaving her mouth before she could stop herself. "You and I, we're just two passing ships."

"Two ships, huh?" His voice sounded amused.

"Yes."

"Is that all I am to you, a ship?" He rose to his feet and stepped toward her. Oh no. "Because that kiss earlier said otherwise."

"It was just a kiss." Ana protested, but knew fully well that kiss was so much more.

Another step toward her and the distance would be gone, but Christian remained still. "Your body says otherwise. Don't tell me that I'm just some ship to you." He glared and even under the moon light his eyes shined bright. "I honestly don't give a fuck what this place is or what might happen to us because right now, all I want to do is show you how I'm more than a fucking passing ship."

Shit. His anger fumed from his pores and it was hot. She recalled a moment like this before as they argued and how quickly it turned into something else. Something that involved less clothes and less talking. Her mouth became dry and her heart picked up a pace. Shit!

"And what if I don't want you to show me?" That was lie. She wanted him to show her, badly.

"Christ Ana!" Christian stepped toward. His hands touched either side of her face. "I'm about to explode. You getting all fired up makes me all fired up and right now I want to have my way with you."

"Is this just another distraction from the obvious?" She asked not taking her eyes off him.

"Of course it is, but you are much more than a distraction!" His confession spilled out him. "Out of all this shit, you are the only good thing that has come from this."

Forget the anger. Forget the confusion. Forget this place because all she wanted was him. All of him.