The Link Life

Link's "Week" Memory: This time after Ocarina of Time, Windwaker, and Twilight Princess has been a very awkward in period Link's life. He has learned a lot about himself and what the people of Hyrule truly thought about him. There were times in this young man's life where there wasn't always a huge crisis that he had to vanquish but there were always little crimes. There were no little crimes during this time. He was no longer able to rely on the adrenaline rush of being a Hero and always having someone to save. Link became wearily bored, started causing havoc for attention, got married, quit being a Hero and got a job, and even became an enemy himself. Hyrule had completely abandoned the person whom they considered their protector.
Ganondorf had started a prostitution brothel in Gerudo Valley to corrupt the minds of the people. Link visited the brothel during the time when he considered himself evil. He had a change of plans and decided to bust Ganon's operation. Link's plan epically failed and Ganondorf accidentally slept with him while he was passed out. Now Link and Ganondorf are known to be a little jagged in their sexual orientation, Ganon is wanted by police for promoting homosexual activity, and Link and Ganondorf had to escape Hyrule and hide out in Snowhead Mountain. All future plans that Ganondorf had to take over Hyrule were put on halt. Zelda appeared at the mountain, displayed a wicked amount of power that consisted of fireballs and flying, killed one of Ganondorf's assistants, and told Link that she was planning to spread evil throughout Hyrule and to never return.
Link completely ignored Zelda's command and returned to the great field of Hyrule with Ganondorf. He didn't know whether to trust Ganondorf or not, but Ganon was also in a hectic situation, so they minus well stick together…. for the time being. Link acquired his Green Tunic which was sold by his deceased wife a few days earlier and fit himself into his legendary attire. Now he must take on the role of the Hero and save Hyrule from the evil Princess Zelda. Link is not entirely too sure what Zelda's plans are but he is going to confront her to find out. In the process, he will gain the respect from Hyrule and the rest of the lands that he truly and honorably deserves, and became known as the one and only true Hero once more.

Final Day
"It's a freakin' Legend, not a Story"

(Gerudo Desert) Hyrule Local Time: 1:30 A.M.

Setting: Link and Ganondorf ride Epona through the desert, returning from an event that required Link to retrieve his legendary Green Tunic.

::Ganondorf knew the desert with a passion so he was able to direct Link through the sandy maze without running into any harsh sandstorms::
::The two were returning back to Hyrule where they would hide out until they figured out their next move::
::It was a long travel through the night and all the two could see above them was the star filled sky::

Link: I'm going to charge Zelda's Castle at dawn. This will be the best time to reach the princess.
Ganondorf: I believe nighttime would be.
Link: You think? How would I get over the Castle Town walls?
Ganondorf: Trust me Fairy Boy, I am an expert when it comes to Castle Town's security….

(Castle Town during Ocarina of Time) Hyrule Local Time: 12:00 A.M.

::Ganondorf gets caught trying to sneak up the gate towards Zelda's Castle::
::He was dressed as a clown, juggling three balls::

Ganondorf: Need to set up for my new gig near the Castle.
Guard: Beat it!

:: Ganondorf returns the next night only to get caught again and this time he was dressed as a Frenchman::
::He wore a French styled hat with a mustache::

Ganondorf: Quelle nuit belle.
Same Guard: Save it Ganon.

(Back to The Link Life)
(Gerudo Desert)

Ganondorf: Ah you know what, forget it.

::The two reached the edge of the desert and saw the lights of Hyrule beaming into the night sky::
::Three black figures wait in the distant::
::Link pulls out his sword::

Link: Who goes there?

::The air was dry and all Link could hear was the sound of the heavy wind blowing past him::

? Man #1: The heroic Link and the treacherous Ganondorf.

::The three men bow before the two::

Link: (resting on Epona) Please. No need.
? Man #2: We honor the both of you. The good and the bad in love… so magical.
Link: We're not in love.
? Man #1: You mean the two of you aren't together? But all of Hyrule is insisting that-
Link: (interrupting) No. I'm not interested in men.
Ganondorf: I have had an experience with a man, apart from you Fairy Boy.

::Link looks at Ganondorf::

Ganondorf: College.
Link: Right.
? Man #1: Allow us to introduce ourselves. My name is Bloop.
? Man #2: I'm Ploop.
? Man #3: I'm Jelly.
Bloop: And we want to help with whatever you are trying to do.

::Bloop was wearing a red and white clown costume with black and red face paint and an eye patch with a rather squeaky voice::

Bloop: I skip through the vast field of Hyrule everyday with no purpose, laughing the whole time. I skip through towns and they turn into great, exciting carnivals! I rode on a big Farris wheel in Kakariko Village one time but no one believes me.
Ganondorf: (whispering to Link) This guy is a fuckin' weirdo.

::Ploop dressed rather fashionably in a purple and black tuxedo resembling a metro sexual with his tidy hair and cleaned interior::

Ploop: I was the only gay soul in Hyrule, that is, until you two came along.
Bloop: So magical.
Link: (face turning red) We're not gay!

::Jelly was a rugged man with matted hair, an aged face, missing most of his teeth, poor clothes, and spit out chewing tobacco four times since you started reading this sentence::

Jelly: Argghh…
Bloop: We've come because we want to help the both of you for whatever cause you may be promoting.
Ploop: We believe in being different.
Jelly: Arrgghhh.
Bloop: Banished from the mainstream of Hyrule, the two of us travel this land trying to inspire those who are the same way.
Link: The two of you?
Bloop: We just met Jelly last night. He believed in our motives and tagged along.
Link: I see.
Bloop: After seeing that picture of you two in the bed together, we were instantly inspired. You are our Heros and we will do whatever you command.

::The three bow once more::

(Unknown Woodsy Area in Hyrule) Hyrule Local Time: 5:30 A.M.

::The resistance began!::
::Link and Ganondorf spend four hours training the three men the basics for an ambush on Zelda's Castle::
::Link teaches them how to wield a sword properly while Ganondorf shows them how to be intimidating and use strength to their advantage::
::Jelly leans in closer to Ganondorf::

Jelly: Some say I'm the greatest mass murderer of Hyrule.
Ganondorf: Is that so?
Jelly: I get off to death.
Ganondorf: Ha. Whatever. I'm still more evil than you.

::Ganondorf sits uncomfortably::

Jelly: Of course you are, the great Ganon.

::Bloop looks at the two and starts chuckling::

Bloop: Let's celebrate by walking down a glittery road into a nice, warm rainbow.

::Bloop starts laughing hysterically::
::Link and Ganondorf look at each other in confusion::

(Hyrule Field) Hyrule Local Time: 6:33 A.M.

::The sun begins to rise over Hyrule::
::Link and Ganondorf ride up a hill and overlook Castle Town and Zelda's Castle::
::Link was dressed in his legendary Green Tunic with his Master Sword cuffed and his shield ready, resting readily on Epona::
::Ganondorf rides on his black horse next to Link::
::Bloop, Ploop, and Jelly ride up on three horses that they had rented for the day::
::Behind this heroic group lied a little army of about ten people, consisting of all the weirdo's of Hyrule, each on their own horse… and broomstick…::
::Link and Ganondorf look at each other and nod their heads::
::The draw gate to Castle Town lowers::
::Link and Ganondorf take off on their horses, quickly being followed by the army::

(Castle Town) Hyrule Local Time: 6:35 A.M.

::Link leads the group inside::
::He takes out his sword and starts charging for Zelda's Castle::
::Everyone in the town starts clapping, thinking that it was some kind of show::

Bloop: They love me… they love me!

::Bloop gets an arrow to the chest::
::He flies off his horse::
::Castle Town archers organize themselves from the top of the walls::
::Everyone in the town starts to panic and scream, running in different directions::
::Castle Town guards storm the town with sharp swords and specially made shields::

Link: Stay focused everybody!

::Ganondorf takes out a sword and starts swinging it in random directions::
::He hadn't used a sword in forever::
::As he swings, he loses grip of the sword and it flies across town, impaling one of the guards in the chest::
:He shrugs and continues::
::Instead of using a weapon, Ploop figures this was the perfect time to spread his word about the positive affects of homosexuality::

Ploop: (beating the guards with a Pro-Gay book) We need to be equal!

::As for Jelly, well, he never really rode in on a horse at all::
::In the midst of the chaos, he casually walks into the town and starts raiding all of the stores::
::Castle Town guards were jabbing their swords into the resistance's horses and finishing the men off once they were on the ground::
::Blood was spraying everywhere, soon to become just a red midst that was surrounding everyone::
::Archers were shooting from above, doing a great deal of damage to the resistance members::
::Link rides ahead and takes out his bow, shooting an arrow into both guards patrolling the Entrance Gate to Zelda's Castle::
::Link shoots an ice arrow at the gate's bars, followed up by a fire arrow to melt the bars::
::He rides through his melted hole with Epona and heads towards the castle::
::Ganondorf spots Link running ahead and grins::

Ganondorf: Fairy Boy will have his victory. I will have mine. He… he… he…

::Ganondorf grabs one of the Castle Town guards who was carrying a flaming torch and holds him in the air, choking him to death::
::He takes the guards torch and starts engulfing the buildings of Castle Town into a giant fire::

Ganondorf: (taking the role as "commander" of the resistance) All men still alive, help me burn this town to the ground! He… he… he…

(Zelda's Castle) Hyrule Local Time: 6:48 A.M.

::Link shimmies across the side of the castle::
::He looks up and spots Zelda's Room Balcony::
::He shoots his clawshot at the princess's balcony rail::
::He flies up to the balcony, grabbing the side and pulling himself over::
::He walks into Zelda's room with caution and holding his Master Sword alertly::
::Zelda was sitting in a chair, doing her make up and hair in front of a mirror::
::She was humming "Zelda's Song"::

Link: Zelda. I-
Zelda: Ah! Oh my God!

::Zelda turns around and throws one of her combs at Link's face::
::The comb clashes into Link's throat::

Zelda: Link!
Link: ……!!!!!
Zelda: I thought I told you to stay in Termina Field!
Link: ……!!!!!

::Link holds his throat like he was choking::
::Zelda holds her hand out and lighting bolts start to rush into the center of her hand, creating a ball full of electricity, black atoms, and a variety of colors::
::Link gets blown backwards and stuck to the wall, unable to move::
::A strong force of wind blows around the room::
::Objects start to fly everywhere::

Zelda: (hair blowing in front of her face) I told you to stay in Termina for your own good. Now you will pay the price.

::Link was unable to say anything back::
::Zelda cancels her spell and looks at Link oddly::

Zelda: You're a mute again, aren't you?

Link:….

::Zelda laughs::

Zelda: Too bad. I think living without being able to talk would be worse than death. Farewell Link.

::Zelda flies out the window and off into the distance::
::Link runs around the room, beating random things against his throat::
::Words were still unable to leave his mouth::
::Ganondorf kicks the door down::
::The hallway behind him was filled with smoke and resistance group members running around with torches::

Ganondorf: Fairy Boy! We must hurry. This castle is burning to the ground! Did you find Zelda?!
Link:…..!!!!!
Ganondorf: Oh dear God. You're a mute again.

::Part of the ceiling falls on Link::
::Link passes out::
::Fire seeps through the ceiling::
::Ganondorf kneels down and picks up Link, escaping the fire ruins of the castle::
::The castle starts to shake and then crumbles to the ground, leaving behind a massive cloud of smoke, ash, and fire::

(Lake Hylia) Hyrule Local Time: 12:15 P.M.

::Link gets water splashed on him::
::His eyes open::
::Ganondorf stands over him with a pale::

Ganondorf: Say something.

::Link gasps::

Ganondorf: Oh no!

::Ganondorf squeezes Link against his firm chest::
::Dramatic music plays::

Ganondorf: I was starting to feel really close to you. I thought we had a connection. Now you're a mute again. Everything is over.

::Ganondorf holds Link passionately next to the calming waters of the lake::

Ganondorf: Such a cruel world...
Link: (grumbling) You're suffocating me!

::Ganondorf jumps up in excitement::

Ganondorf: Fairy Boy! You can speak!
Link: I had water in my mouth asshole.
Ganondorf: Sorry.
Link: I can still talk. I just had a little episode that's all.
Ganondorf: Good. So what's out next move? Zelda's Castle is an ashy crisp. All of the resistance members have been killed. We're on our own and Zelda is nowhere to be found.
Link: I spotted which way she flew. I remember her telling me long ago that she had a spot she enjoyed visiting from time to time. It was her favorite spot. I believe she may be there.
Ganondorf: Well then we shall find out.

::Ganondorf helps Link to his feet::

Random Narrator: Link and Ganondorf spend the next several hours brushing up on their fighting skills. Link teaches Ganondorf a few tricks with the sword being that Ganondorf was really bad at using one. Ganondorf has Link do some practice sounds with his voice just to be on the safe side.

Ganondorf: Say "Ahhhhh".
Link: Ahhhh….
Ganondorf: Hold it….
Link: ….ahhhhhhhhhhh….
Ganondorf: You should be fine.

Random Narrator: Link tries to find another Temple to beat as to help him with his strategic skills….

Ganondorf: I vote Forest Temple. It was easy.
Link: Nah, already completed it. I want a challenge.

Random Narrator: Link completes another Temple. He received new hard earned battle scars.

Link: (brushing the dust off his gloves) I feel much more confident now.
Ganondorf: I'll say. You even beat Mario to this one.
Mario: (walking away with his head down) I really wanted that star.
Link: Yeah that's right you keep walkin'!

(Woodsy Area) Hyrule Local Time: 6:45 P.M.
(Path to Zelda's Hideout)

::Link and Ganondorf creep their way through the woods, staying alert for any of Zelda's henchmen::
::They find an abandoned building that looked condemned::
::It was well rusted and had big holes throughout it::

Ganondorf: If I didn't know any better, I'd say someone was brutally raped and murdered here last night.
Link: Possibly.

::The two of them walk through the building::
::The floor squeaked beneath them::
::A person walks into the building::

? Person: (girly voice) Hey you.

::Ganondorf screams like a little girl::

Ganondorf: Oh my God, It's Zelda!

::Ganondorf pounces on Link::

Link: It's not Zelda.
? Girl: (zoned out tone) Are you joining the alliance?
Link: (going along with it) Yes.
? Girl: Follow me.

::The girl looked dazed::
::Link and Ganondorf follow her::

(Deep into the depths of the Woods) Hyrule Local Time: 7:30 P.M.
(Village)

::The dazed girl walks zombie like into the village::
::Link and Ganondorf stop following her and hide behind a couple of random barrels::
::There was at east twenty dazed people, just like that girl, standing in the middle of the village swaying back and forth, zoning out::
::Each one of the people had a specific weapon::
::They had their hands in the air and were worshipping a man who stood above them on a wooden stage::
::The man was making some sort of speech in an unknown language::
::Princess Zelda walks out of one of the buildings guarded by two strong men in armor carrying freshly sharpened blades::

Ganondorf: (whispering) What do we do? We have to get past these crazies somehow.
Link: I have an idea.

::Link softly plays "Epona's Song"::
::Epona rides up::

Link: We send Epona in as a distraction. Than we make our move.
Ganondorf: I like it.

::The two of them turn around::
::Epona was spotted running the opposite direction::

Epona: (Neigh) Your kiddin' me right? (Neigh)
Link: So much for that.

::A hooded man that smelt like a mixture of tobacco and alcohol stumbles onto the path and collapses behind the barrels::
::The man uncovers his face::

Shigeru Miyamoto: Let me go in.
Link: You.

::Shigeru looked like he hadn't shaved in a week::
::His eyes were blood shot::
::He was holding a 40 oz. bottle of beer::

Link: But-
Shigeru: All my life I have drifted around meaningless, without a purpose. My life has amounted to nothing. Sure I made a few Zelda games here and there…
Link: Yeah Ocarina and Link to the Past were brilliant.
Shigeru: But I'm finished. My life has turned to shit and it would be honor to help you guys out.

::Shigeru runs into the village and drops his pants, dancing in a circle bottomless:
::He draws attention and runs off, having most of the village chasing after him::

Link: Only the brave are truly remembered. So long Shigeru.

::Link and Ganondorf run into the village and past the area where all of the crazed people gathered::
::They continue down the path they saw Zelda traverse::

(Eastern Part of the Village)

::The crazed people pick up Shigeru and carry him in the air like he had just stage dived::

Shigeru Miyamoto: Take my life but you will never take my pride!
Leader: (laughing) Kill him. Kill him hard.

::The crazed people carry Shigeru towards a dark, bottomless pit, where he shall fall to his death::
::They accidentally drop him into a tub of acid::
::Shigeru flops around in agony::

Leader: Uhh… well… pick him up and continue!

::The people put on gloves and start to drag Shigeru towards the pit::
::His leg gets caught up in some random barbed wire::
::The wire rips his leg off::
::Shigeru moans in horror::

Leader: Oh this is just wrong. Can you do the man a favor and kill him please?!

::Shigeru crawls across the village ground, bleeding in despair::
::Suddenly one of the crazed people simply stabs him in his back with his sword::
::Shigeru lives through it::

Leader: For God's sake just kill the poor guy!

::The crazed people finish off Shigeru as fast as they could::

(Western part of the Village) Hyrule Local Time: 7:47 P.M.

::Zelda stands next to a cage full of little kids and infants::
::It appeared to be some sort of sacrifice getting ready to happen::
::Zelda lifts her hands in the air and closes her eyes, breathing heavily::
::Link and Ganondorf watch her from behind two different barrels::
::Zelda's two bodyguards walk past the barrels::
::Link and Ganondorf snatch them from behind and break their necks::

Ganondorf: Now is our chance.
Link: Wait for my call.
Ganondorf: Nonsense.

::Ganondorf walks out from behind the barrels and creeps silently towards Zelda::
::He pulls outs his sword::
::He wields it high::
::Zelda opens her eyes right before Ganondorf is about to strike::
::She fires a fireball at Ganondorf, knocking him on his back::
::Link flies out from the smoke of the fireball and falls on top of Zelda, holding his sword to her throat::

Link: Why are you doing this Zelda?!
Zelda: Because I can. I'm sick of acting all of the time. I'm not a precious princess, I am a monster.

::Zelda grabs ahold of Link, sending electric currents throughout his body::

Ganondorf: Kill the bitch Link!

::Link starts to shake uncontrollably::
::Smoke rises from his body from the electric::
::Link turns his sword towards Zelda and with all of his might, he rams his sword into her body, twisting the blade::
::The electric stops::
::Link falls over and dims his eyes::
::He looks to his left and sees Zelda… dead::
::Ganondorf runs over him, saying something but Link was in too much of a daze to understand::
::Link passes out::

(The Next Day)

::Link wakes up::
::He was resting in his hut::
::Ganondorf walks in::

Ganondorf: I'm leaving, Fairy Boy.
Link: Zelda?
Ganondorf: Dead. I made sure of it.
Link: Thing's will be much different now. One thing, why were you loyal to me that whole time?
Ganondorf: Well, I was thinking about turning on you while we battled in Castle Town but then I realized, ah what the hell, there will be other times when I can take over the world.
Link: So you haven't turned good.
Ganondorf: Of course not. He.. he.. he…
Link: I can understand that.
Ganondorf: What will happen with us?
Link: Well, Im sure Nintendo will completely ignore this section of my story and continue on to the next videogame, probably to be announced sometime in late 2010.
Ganondorf: Man if it isn't I'm gonna be pissed.
Link: Likewise. So I'm sure we'll just become enemies again cause we all know, It's not Zelda without Ganondorf.
Ganondorf: Far enough. Until our next meeting, Fairy Boy.

::Ganondorf walks out of the hut and rides off on his black horse::

(Kokiri Forest) Hyrule Local Time: 8:30 A.M.

::Link walks out of his hut and is greeted by hundreds of Hylians::
::They were cheering for him and calling his name::
::Apparently, as Link later finds out, Zelda had been causing havoc for some time::
::She put nearly all of Hyrule into a daze and people slowly started to forget about Link::
::She was slowly turning Hyrule into a dark and evil place::
::Link's huge acknowledgment outside of his house made him feel great inside::
::He finally felt what it was like to lose what he had and to regain to back::
::It felt great and he savored every minute of it::
::Link was the Hero of Hyrule again and with Zelda gone, it appeared that that wasn't going to change anytime soon::

Random Guy: We don't care that your gay, Link. We still love you!
Link: (turning blood red, almost black) For the last time, I'm not gay!
Random Guy: Sure ya are!

::Link's reputation from that picture will forever haunt his dreams::

(Lon Lon Ranch) Hyrule Local Time: 10:18 A.M.

::Link had his Hero status but there was one thing he was missing::
::He was brainwashed into thinking that he loved Zelda but what he didn't realize was his real one and only true love, Malon::
::Malon stands before Link::

Link: I love you Malon. As a soul mate and well… as a sister.
Malon: Yeah I kind of think of you as my Brother.
Link: Oh boy this is awkward.
Malon: We'll see where thing's go. How about that?
Link: (smiling) Sounds good.

::Link and Malon go in for a hug::
::The two of them bump heads accidentally::

Malon: I'm sorry Link.
Link: …..
Malon: Link?
Link: …..!!!!
Malon: Oh no. You're a mute again.

The End.