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"Stupid, stupid Bella," I spat out loud. How had I been stupid enough to fall madly in love with two men? The tears that had threatened to spill at Jacob's finally got the better of me and I had to pull over when I was blinded by them. I started hyperventilating and had to remind myself to breathe. My mind replayed over and over again the look on Jacob's hardened face and the horrible words he had said to me, and I covered my eyes with my hands, willing the visions to stop.

Were those the same emotions running through his mind when I said such things to him? All those times when I told him I couldn't be with him, were these horrible feelings of self-depreciation and hate what he felt toward me? How could he even still want to talk to me if this was how he felt? My stomach turned over on itself. I felt horrible; it was as if he had given up on us…if there ever was an "us." Why did this have to hurt so much? Why did I have to care? I knew I shouldn't care, but how could I not? This was Jacob, my best friend, my…I didn't know what else to call him. I sighed; that in itself was the problem.

"I won't stand by while you let your heart turn to stone. Should I start mourning you now, Bella? You're already gone." His words spun around and around in my head.

"I'm not gone, not yet, Jacob," my own words echoed in my mind. Maybe he was right. Maybe I was already gone. I sighed. I had left him, I had made the decision to leave. And yet here I sat on the side of the road, on the way to my faithful and loving fiancée, crying and wishing I could be back with Jake.

"What's wrong with me?" I hissed aloud. Apparently all this time with mythical creatures was rubbing off on me. I had started talking to myself and actually expecting an answer. Seriously. Maybe I needed some professional help.

"Go run along to death, and see what he brings you." Jacob's voice was getting louder in my head. I moved my hands to my ears wishing his voice would just go away. While I loved listening to the sound of it, I couldn't handle the words he had said.

Was Edward death? I suppose he was, at least on some level. I mean, I had to die to be with Edward. Even though I knew that, I couldn't help the feelings of terror that came over me when I thought about it. My body started to shake, and I took a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself. It wasn't like that, I told myself. It wasn't as bad as that. While it was true that I had to die, it seemed like a small sacrifice. I would die, but for that momentary death I got forever with the man I love.

Still, I had to die and that fact couldn't be ignored. Not like it had been up to that point. I couldn't ignore it when Jacob's voice screamed it over and over again in my head. Chills ran down my spine, how was it that I was just realizing how important this was? This little fact only hit me right now? The fact that I had to die…stop breathing, stop…being.

Jake had put his hot-skinned hand against the sweat-dampened valley between my breasts and felt my heartbeat. Even though I knew he was alarmingly angry, I couldn't help but think about how extremely sensual that moment was. I should have shied away from his touch, but I couldn't, not even after I knew Edward was home.

I took several deep, shaky breaths in hopes of calming myself down and stopping the tears. Edward was waiting for me at my house and I was still anxious to see him. Because despite everything I had been tangled in this week with Jacob, I still missed and loved Edward. He was everything to me. I knew this, or at least I had known this.

Why did I suddenly doubt everything? I sighed as I racked my brain for reasons before it finally it hit me. This was normal, I mean, doesn't every woman doubt their choice before they get married? There had to be a reason it was called cold feet. Any commitment triggers this…let alone an everlasting one.

But that still didn't explain why I couldn't resist my best friend. I could not believe I had slept with him. I mean, who has sex with their best friend when their boyfriend is out of town? Not girls like me; I didn't even have the excuse of being drunk. Well, maybe I had been drunk. It seemed like every time I was around him, I got drunk on the mere presence of Jacob.

I shook my head. No, that wasn't an excuse. Not a good one anyway. Why was I doing this to myself, to Jacob, to Edward? The best excuse I could come up with was that I am a fickle girl, forever breaking the hearts of the men around me. I wished I could just make a decision. Edward or Jacob. Jacob or Edward.

Thinking of Jacob was not going to make me want to head to Forks. Thinking of Jacob was going to make me turn around and beg for him to take me away from here, away from this awful place, to hold me in his warm arms and never let me go. Yes. That was exactly what I wanted. I needed Jacob, right now.

The tires squealed as I put the truck into drive and pulled a u-turn to head back to Jacob. Then I stopped in the middle of the deserted road. I felt my heart pounding in my chest and I closed my eyes. I groaned.

Fickle, fickle, fickle Bella. "Edward," I murmured, and the mere mention of his name brought his beautiful face to my mind. I heaved a final breath, opened my eyes, and turned the truck around once more before I slammed my foot on the gas pedal, leaving La Push and a part of my heart behind.

My spirits lifted the closer I got to my house. It was like the pull Edward had over me was already in effect. I had to admit I welcomed it right then. I needed that pull to tip the scales in Edward's favor so I would not lose my mind. Without Edward's pull, I would lose it and everything I had thought I wanted up until that point in time, due to the hold Jake seemed to have on me. Freaking mythical creatures screwing with my life. Damn it.

I pulled up into my customary parking spot and as I silenced the engine with a twist of my key, my door swung open and I was pulled out of my seat, finding myself enveloped in Edward's cold arms. I had almost forgotten how fast he could be in the short time he had been gone.

I sighed in relief and smiled against his chest as I leaned into his arms, reveling in the familiar embrace. I seemed to still fit perfectly in my old place, regardless of what I had done. This put me at ease. I snuggled against his chest, breathing in the scent of him. Being with Edward was like an ice pack on a bruise…he numbed the pain of leaving Jacob. As I lifted my eyes to meet his, the details of that terrible night became fuzzy in my mind.

"Hello, love," he said, pressing his lips to my forehead. I clung to him, tears prickling the backs of my eyes, though unlike my time sitting in the truck, these were tears of happiness. "I've missed you." He brought his lips down to mine and kissed me slowly, gently. His taste lingered on my lips, reminding me just how intoxicating this man could be. I was breathless and stunned by what he could do to me just by kissing me.

"I missed you more," I said in a half whisper.

"Right," he smirked.

A chill went through me as waves of guilt crashed around inside my head. Could Edward know what had happened? I took in his calm, blissful expression and the crooked smile that had spread across his face. No, his wasn't the face of a man who knew the love of his life had slept with her best friend. He started to move away, but I grasped his hands, not wanting to let him go. I wanted to have just a little more time with him like this before I broke his heart.

"Relax, love. I just wanted to get your bags," he said. Confusion and worry flashed across his perfect features.

I hurried to explain my strange reaction. "I didn't bring them. I…wasn't thinking. I'll go back to Emily's tomorrow to get them," making the lie up on the spot as I looked into his eyes and held my breath. He always said what a terrible liar I was. Would he believe me? He simply nodded, closed the car door, and led me into the house and up the stairs into my bedroom.

I plopped onto the mattress, trying to forget what Jacob and I had done on these sheets. Hoping to hide the blush that was inevitably taking over my face, I glanced at the clock. Was it really almost six in the morning? I had no idea what time Edward had called me, but between the time I spent arguing with Jacob and then arguing with myself in the car, I wondered how much time had passed. Had Edward waited long? I couldn't be sure, but he didn't seem to be upset, so maybe it hadn't been as long as I thought it was.

I sighed as the exhaustion began to set in. The last time I had pulled an all-nighter like this I had gone to Volterra with Alice to bring Edward back after the whole cliff-diving incident. Was it simply a coincidence that Volterra and the Volturi were somehow involved in the fact that I was up this late again? Edward sat down next to me, wrapping his hard arms around me and pressing kisses to my face. As he nuzzled me, I noticed the tell-tale scrunching of his face. Ah yes, Edward thought I smelled because I had been in La Push.

"You had to know that I would pick up the scent of them while I was there," I said, with a half laugh at his confused expression. "I know that look." He grinned. "What, did you think I had learned one of your tricks while you were away? That your crazy mental abilities were beginning to rub off on me?" He snorted, and I couldn't help but laugh. This moment was wonderful, being with Edward was a piece of Heaven on Earth.

"I don't mean to offend you love, but you do sort of smell. Did you do anything besides spend your time with Jacob? His scent is all over you. I mean, I can still smell you…but there is something else there. Something that has never been there before," he said, sounding slightly put off and frustrated. What was he talking about?

I felt the urge again to tell him what had happened, but the feeling of being with Edward when he was light hearted stopped me. "Don't worry. I'll go shower." I hurried to reassure him as I stood up. A look of relief came over his features as he stood up with me, taking my robe from the hook behind my door. I grabbed an older pair of pajamas, cursing myself for leaving my bags at Emily's. It meant I didn't have my good pajamas or my new favorite blackberry body wash. The smell of it brought back naughty images in my head of Jacob and I naked, with me finger painting my name over and over again on the russet skin of his chest. Shaking that image out of my head, I turned and opened the door, tiptoeing towards the bathroom. I heard Edward's silky voice as he chuckled behind me.

"Relax Bella. You know that Charlie isn't here. It is only the two of us. You don't have to sneak." My heart dropped to my stomach. Sneaking. That's what I was doing. I was a sneak. Hearing him say the word pulled me out of my happy bliss and reminded me of Jacob in a completely non-sexual way. What was Jake doing right now? Was he hurting? Was he thinking of me?

"Bella?" Edward's concerned voice brought me out of my reverie. I shook my head and forced a smile. I should tell him. I should tell him right now what happened.

"I'll just be a minute," I said instead, closing the door so I could stop tormenting myself with seeing his perfect face. I started the water as I quickly discarded the very clothes that Jacob had stripped me of earlier. I brought my shirt up to my face and inhaled, smelling the faint scent of Jake, sweat and sex. Oh. Oh dear God, no. The sweet, musky scent of sex must have been the scent Edward couldn't recognize. I could hardly hold in my groan. This was not pleasant. I wondered what he might be thinking right now. I wondered if he was searching in my room, if he could still smell anything from the night I had brought Jacob back to my house with me so I could let him love me.

With this thought in my mind, I checked the temperature of the water and quickly grabbed a washcloth and Charlie's bar of soap, cursing myself again for not having my own soap and shampoo. Pert Plus it is, I thought to myself. As I began to wash my body, I began to remember the feeling of Jake's hands running over my skin, causing my blood to heat. I shook my head, and then turned the faucet to allow more cold water out. A cold shower wouldn't remind me of Jacob. After I washed, rinsed and repeated twice, I stepped out of the shower and dried off before stepping into my sweatpants and tee shirt. My favorite silky pajamas, a present from Alice, were in my backpack…which was at Jake's.

"Crap," I whispered to myself. I was going to have to go back there and get my bag. Dammit. I looked at my reflection in the steamy mirror as I brushed my hair. I wanted to turn away, to not look myself in the eye, but I forced myself. I was going to hell. I was going to hell for what I was doing to these two men, and for what I was doing to myself. I hung my towel on the back of the door and stepped out, padding down the cool wood of the hallway. I took a deep breath before going in my room, where I found Edward laying on my bed with his arms behind his head, staring at the ceiling. I felt a smile spread across my face as I bounced across the room and onto the bed.

"I changed the sheets," he said, pulling my body close to his. "I don't know why, they just really smelled. I hope that's okay." I nodded silently as I leaned into him, resting my head on his stone chest. I felt his cool fingers run through my damp hair and I closed my eyes, letting his aroma permeate my senses. I was happy to be in his arms again, but even still, I couldn't help but imagine someone else's arms around me. Trying to push the wolf out of my thoughts, I wrapped my arm around Edward's waist. His body went rigid, but he didn't pull away from my closeness.

"I'm so happy you're home," I whispered. His ran his hand over my jaw and cupped my cheek.

"You have no idea," he scoffed. "It was hell without you." I didn't say anything in return because I was suddenly too focused on his chest. I was almost willing Edward's heart to beat; I wanted to be reassured by it. "Bella? What's the matter?"

"Oh!" I said, erasing the grimace from my face. "Nothing. I missed you too, Edward."

I forced a smile and shimmied up his body so I could lower my lips to his. I was surprised when he allowed me to deepen the kiss. I moaned, and I swore I heard a growl emit from Edward's throat. I had to admit I liked that sound. It was raw and lustful, but as always, restrained; just like him.

He pulled me on top of him and I stared down at him in shock from his sudden movements. His arms snaked around my middle and he sat up to kiss my open mouth. Forgetting all the rules Edward had in place for my safety, I pressed my body to his and kissed him harder. He broke it off, but he did not stop. Instead, he was kissing my neck, my shoulders. My head was spinning as he brought his lips back to mine and I intertwined my fingers into his hair.

"Edward, please…" I whispered against his lips. He froze as if he finally realized what he was doing. He kissed me once more, and then gently pulled me off of him, tucking me against his side.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. I do know one thing though. I won't leave you again. It was torture and now that I'm back, I feel so much better knowing you're all right." I was confused.

"Why wouldn't I be all right?" I was genuinely curious.

"You are a bit of a danger magnet, love," he said with a grin. "But I guess I should be thankful. I mean, if you weren't such a danger magnet, you wouldn't have such a need for having me around." I made a face at his first statement that soon melted to a smile as he went on. I grinned at him and he kissed my head.

"Why did you have to stay in Volterra so long?" I asked as I nuzzled into him. "And why did the rest of the family have to go too?"

"Ah, no real reason." He rolled his eyes at the impatient expression on my face and went on, "Aro wanted to see Carlisle, and meet the family. They've already met you, and were afraid of any…erm…mistakes." His crooked grin lit up his face and his eyes went out of focus while he bit his lower lip breathing in the scent of my hair.

Ah, mistakes, like being the meal for the likes of Jane and Demetri. No, thank you. For the first time since he left, I was glad I had been left behind. Well, if I was being honest with myself, it wasn't the first time I was glad I had been left behind. However, it was the first time the reason didn't involve wanting to sex it up with my best friend. I was trying hard to block those times out of my head but it seemed as if I was failing miserably.

Edward laughed and then changed the subject. "How was La Push?"

My body went rigid. I should tell him. Just get it over with, like ripping off a band-aid. "Not bad, not good. Fought a bit with Paul. Sort of dull, I guess."

"Did you spend much time with Jacob? Did you set him straight about him kissing you, and how I'm not giving up without a fight?"

"Uh…" Crap. What was I supposed to say? Tell him, my mind screamed. "We didn't really talk about it. I only saw him a couple times. I worked a lot." Liar.

Edward nodded with a half smile and started to open his mouth to say something. Okay, it was time for a distraction so we could get away from the topic at hand.

"I do wish I could have come with you. I missed you," I said, bringing my thigh around his midsection. Yep, I'm so going to hell. Instead of telling him that I slept with someone else, I'm trying to entice him.

"Bella," he warned. I sighed. Apparently the passion from earlier was gone.

"Sorry," I muttered, letting my leg fall back down.

"I wish I could give you what you want. I told you that I'll try, but only after we're married, because that's who I am. I want to give you everything you've ever wanted and let you experience everything. I don't want you to miss out on anything at all."

Tell him that you took it upon yourself to ensure that you wouldn't miss out on anything.

His voice reminded me I really was running out time. I felt my heart rate quicken and my breathing become shallow.

"Bella? Love, are you all right?"

The words I had heard earlier in my mind screamed at me again. Die. I was going to die. I was never again going to see my mother or father. But the worst was knowing Jake would never want to see me again. I'd never feel another of his bone crushing hugs, I'd never hear him call me Bells, I'd never kiss him again…

I started gasping for air and Edward became alarmed. "Bella!" he said loudly, taking my shoulders and giving me the smallest of shakes. I forced myself to calm down. Taking a deep breath, I forced a smile.

"I'm fine. It's just…I'm worried that if we don't make love, that you won't want to be with me, that you'll change your mind," I improvised, but cursed myself to hell for making something like that up. His embrace softened as he pulled the blanket up and around me so I wouldn't get chilled by his body. I felt him hesitate, and then he stroked my cheek and looked into my eyes.

"I love you Bella. I love you for who you are, not what your body can do for me. I made the promise to you that I won't ever go away again, that I will give you every moment of my existence," he said softly. His face was firm, he was so sure. I wished I could be as sure as he was.

"I just missed you so much," I murmured. This was true.

"I know, that's why I won't ever leave again," he promised. He almost seemed to be promising something more but I didn't fully understand through the fog that was taking over my mind. I glanced at the clock; it was seven-thirty in the morning.

"I've been up for twenty four hours," I said. "I worked a sixteen hour shift yesterday with Mike." He chuckled.

"Well after a day full of Mike, I'd say you deserve to sleep. I'm here, Bella. I'm not going anywhere," he said. I yawned. He began to hum my lullaby. As I drifted into the darkness, lulled by his melodic voice my head reminded me that I belonged to Edward. My heart though? I knew that my heart used to only belong to Edward, but I wasn't so sure that it did anymore. It suddenly felt as if my mind had my heart in a headlock, and I didn't know which side would win.

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