(This is even longer than the fishing trip… my randomness has gotten ahead of me lately…)

TF Crack-Fic

Bars of Scots

He wanted to get drunk.

Straight, flat-out, smashed, impaired-senses-and-intense-hangover-the-next-morning, drop dead DRUNK.

The only thing standing in poor Megs' way was his code of conduct as a leader and Starscream's baby-sitting ways, along with Barricade holding the fishing trip as blackmail over his head if he did anything classified as "stupid". How could he ever get them to agree to it?

Wait a minute, he was the freaking leader! He could do whatever he pleased, despite code of conduct! If he wanted to have a drink, he could have a freaking drink! The only question was if they were going to join him in what the humans called a "smashed party"…

"Oi, Megs?"

Megatron looked up, straightening as Starscream stood in his doorway, leaning against the doorframe. He was wearing tight black jeans that were surprisingly low around the ankles – but by no means girly – and a black shirt with the words "Bite Me" on the front. His hair, blonde-silver with red streaks, was tied back into a tiny man-ponytail. Starscream crossed his arms over his chest.

Megs raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"We're going out to a bar tonight. You coming or what?"

Megs raised his eyebrows. Bar. Bar… it clicked somewhere, but he wasn't sure where. "Bar?"

Starscream let out a long sigh. "Yes. Bar. Alcohol. Drinks. You coming?"

Bar. Drinking. Alcohol. Beer.

Megs jumped up and practically ran out the door past Starscream, stopping at the banister railing. "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M COMING."

Starscream raised his eyebrows while Barricade let out a snort downstairs and Blackout just looked plain freaked out, looking at Starscream with a confused look. Bonecrusher just rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath before literally kicking a curious Frenzy out of the room. Frenzy was still ill, but Megs hadn't punished him for it. While normally poor Barricade had to be the fucker's babysitter, he was going out tonight with Starscream and Blackout for drinks, so Bonecrusher had to be the nanny. Such a drop for him, the poor fork dude…

Starscream took Megs by the collar and began to drag him downstairs, but Megs was so enthusiastic that he wormed out of his subordinate's grip. He ran down the stairs like a giddy little kid who was excited about presents under the Christmas tree. Except it was in the middle of freaking July and the 'Cons had no clue what the hell Christmas was about. The poor deprived things...

But enough about how they fail at life.

Megs was already at the door, resisting the temptation to jump up and down in excitement. He would seem far too out-of-character if he did and he didn't want everyone to cancel the trip before it even began. Starscream whacked Megs upside the head as he passed to open the door, but that, surprisingly, did little to get Megatron to calm down and the man literally ran out to the car, shouting, "I call shotgun!" And he settled himself in said designated seat.

How he was going to handle ANY drink at all was beyond Starscream's knowledge.

Blackout grumbled something about not getting shotgun and Barricade facepalmed. Blackout leaned into Barricade and muttered, "What do we do if he gets smashed?"

"I have a video camera in the car," Barricade replied just as quietly.

"Blackmail?"

"Fuck yes," Barricade said. He gave Blackout a weird look. "You honestly believe we would take our leader out to a bar and NOT take along something to record him doing Primus knows what?"

Blackout saw his comrade's point and shrugged. Barricade snorted and climbed into the driver's seat. Starscream and Blackout climbed in the back seats while Barricade revved the engine. The car roared to life and soon, they were speeding down the highway, heading to the local bar.

It was a high quality bar, actually, complete with a dance floor and no strippers or hookers. However, there were still the smoking bikers, the teasing waitresses, and gay bar tenders, but the beer was the best within a twenty mile radius. It was considered a "gay bar" by the town, but since the 'Cons had no knowledge of human terms concerning sexual orientation, they didn't know that where they might be going might make the night go horribly wrong.

To be honest, Barricade was just the designated driver. He was going to have a small drink – maybe half a shot of tequila or whatever – and drive the others, despite how smashed, back to the home base.

The thing about the 'Cons – as they had come to realize – was that they could drink twice as much as a normal human before being considered "drunk", yet the mornings were twice as bad, too. Decepticons plus headaches equaled a shitload of destruction.

Oh, well, moving right along…

They pulled into a parking space right up front by the door and Barricade cut the engine. They all piled out, the car beeping as it was locked, and Megs was the first one inside. They settled at the bar, taking up all of the seats except for one at the end, which was occupied by a biker who was smoking a very long and thin cigarette. Megs had to sit next to him and he sniffed at the thing. It smelled AWFUL.

Megs scrunched up his face and gave the man a look. "How can you stand that thing?"

The biker turned and blew nicotine smoke right into the poor 'Con's face. "Ya got a problem with it, hoe?"

"Hoe?" Megs raised an eyebrow, knowing it was some form of insult even in the midst of trying to get the smoke away from his face. And the smell. The awful smell.

The biker rolled his eyes and took another drag. Starscream tapped Megs' shoulder as the bartender came up. The man was wiping a glass with a towel, eyeing the group with interested eyes. He had shoulder-length brown hair and a stubble of a beard. He could've been anywhere between 21 and 36. "What will you have, newcomers?" He was Irish.

Barricade tilted his head. "Just a shot of tequila for me. Extra lemon."

"Blah," Blackout said, waving his hand. "Belzebuth for me."

Starscream raised a finger. "Miller Lite."

Megs was the last. The bartender eyed him expectantly. Megs just threw his hands up. "Strongest shit you have."

Starscream's mouth dropped open, Barricade buried his face in his hands, and Blackout nearly fell out of his chair. The bartender just smirked. "Coming right up."

As soon as the bartender was gone, Barricade got down off his stool and mumbled something about forgetting something in the car before he walked out of the building. Megs watched him with a weird look before shrugging and taking a look around. The waitresses were flirting with more bikers as they served out foaming glasses and sweating beer bottles to the customers.

"Here we go, then!" The bartender was back. Or to be more precise, he was at the other end with Blackout and was sliding down glasses. A foaming glass came at Megs like a bullet and he snapped out to grab and stop it in its tracks. He looked down at it before watching as a bottle of Miller Lite was pushed down in front of Starscream. Barricade had just gotten back with something in his coat pocket and he had just enough time to sit down and stop his moving tequila glass lined with white sparkles and two lemons. Blackout received his last – a bottle written in French. How he had gotten a French Beer in the United States, Megs would never know or understand.

The others began to sip, with the exception of Barricade who just sucked on one of the lemons to start off with. Barricade was weird like that. Megs looked down at his glass. He wasn't sure what the hell the man had given to him, so he asked.

The bartender (actually, let's just call him Bob) looked over. "A Sam Adams Millennium. Strongest stuff we have and the most expensive."

Megs gave Bob a look. "Price won't matter. Just HOW strong is it?"

Bob laughed. "You a lightweight?"

Megs colored. "NO!"

Bob just shrugged with a grin on his face as he tossed a glass onto the top shelf, where it placed itself without breaking. Miraculously. "It weighs 21 percent ABV."

Megs blinked. "ABV?"

"Alcohol by volume," Bob answered. "How much alcohol is in your beer, expressed as a percentage."

"Oh…" Made perfect sense. "So that's considered strong?"

Bob gave Megs an incredulous look, as if shocked at the question. "Dude, have you never had a drink in your entire life?" Without waiting for an answer, he went on. "Sam Adams Utopia has 32 percent ABV. We just can't have it cause it's too expensive and not many people want to get as smashed as you'd think here."

Megs nodded and muttered a small, absentminded, "Thanks."

Starscream choked on his second sip at Megs' expression of gratitude – he said 'thanks' to a HUMAN? – and asked for a water. Bob left and Barricade had something silver in his hands, fiddling with it.

Megs shrugged and took a sip. Cherry wheat? No, something different… he couldn't put his finger on it, but it tasted REALLY good… He took another, much longer sip and he soon drained a little more than half the glass.

Starscream was eyeing him, as though he were going to do something stupid. Megs gave his general a look before looking around again. Everything was still in focus, but everything seemed a little more… quiet. Not as much whooping and hollering as it was when they had walked in.

Megs drained his glass and called Bob over. "This stuff is good. Got any more?"

Bob nodded. "Sure do." And not two minutes later did another glass of foaming golden-brown liquid come sliding down. He drained that and soon asked for a third one. And a third one came sliding down.

Starscream had only drunk half of his bottle, but Blackout was already smashed, as he was a lightweight. His bottle was completely empty. Starscream groaned and put down his bottle, escorting the flailing ex-decepticon out the door and locking him in the car. Barricade had his silver camera sitting on the bar table, on and recording the scene of the general guiding the other soldier out.

Starscream returned with a huff and Barricade snorted over his tequila glass, licking at the salted rim and taking a small sip. Starscream threw the other 'Con a dirty look before settling down and draining his bottle. He was about to call another when he heard a few girls letting out giggles. Like, more than normal. Bob was laughing and pointing beyond the rest of the 'Con group. Starscream and Barricade instinctively turned around.

Bet they regretted it.

Megs was dancing with one of the waitresses, swinging his glass of Sam Adams beer while his other hand was sliding down her back. The waitress was giggling and going along with it, but also teasing him by moving out of range so the man would follow. First step. WHAM! There goes Megs on the floor. His glass broke.

Megs pushed himself onto his knees, looked at his broken glass and burst out into tears. "NOOOOO! THE MAGIC BOOZE HATES MEH! AHHHHH!" And then he began bawling.

Starscream cursed and walked out, grabbing his leader by the arm, and pulling him away. He pushed Megs – sniffling all the way – into his stool again and facepalmed. Megs mumbled something before suddenly perking up as Bob gave him a refill "on the house". Megs grinned and began drinking again.

Barricade was trying soo hard to not to laugh while he held his camera, his mouth covered by his hand. Starscream gave the camera a dirty look. "This goes on the internet and you're a fried 'Con."

Barricade saluted his understanding, but snorted when Megs slid off his stool and vanished into the crowd. Starscream turned around and muttered something about having never asked Megs to go drinking with them before he turned and began looking for his leader. Barricade followed Starscream with his camera and immediately found Megs.

Megs was currently trying to get up on the dance floor, the new beer-filled glass in hand. He raised his hands in attention and the lights, for some reason, focused on him. "Humans and Decepticons all, welcome to the entertainment that ish the great leader, Lord Megatron!" And he did a little jig thing, more so getting people giggling than freaked out.

He saw them laughing and suddenly crouched. "You dare defy me, humans?! I'll have ya know I am a gigantic fucking robot and I can pummel you to a pulp!"

More laughter. Megs drained his glass before tossing it up and watching it land in the middle of the bar. Luckily, no casualties. Megatron called for attention again. "HUMANS! I shall show you meh ultimate powah! Ka… me… ha… me… HAAAAA!!"

Someone fell out of their chair in laughter while others began shaking their heads. All were laughing. Barricade was still filming, positioning it on the counter so he wouldn't drop it. Starscream was in the middle of the laughing crowd, mortified.

"Starschream!" Megs called, waving his hand. "Yoohoo! C'mere, meh best bud!"

Starscream shook his head and took a step back. Megs flailed around before falling off the stage. Barricade with Bob at the bar, banging their fists on the table.

Megs popped up and began looking around randomly. "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ SupaStar! Bow before meh!" He flailed with his arms, but no one bowed. "NO ONE?! But Imma the Juggernaut, bee-otches! YOU DARE DEFY THE JUGGAHNAUT?!"

The waitresses were off in a corner now, giggling while the men of the bar were laughing their asses off. Barricade tried to stand, but ended up on his knees. Damn, who knew Megs could be so damn funny?!

Megs raised his hands and called for silence. "All right, let's all be 'I'm the shizznit' now, okie-day?" There came a few thumbs-up from the crowd and Megs clapped his hands in delight. "Goodie! Now who wants to see me drop my pants!?"

Starscream turned white and automatically shouted, "NO WAY, MEGS!!"

Megs turned to his general and pouted, trying to be cute. "But Screamie… it's fun! Besides, why do I have to wear clothes, huh? I like being naked!"

"NOT IN PUBLIC!"

Megs whined again. "Screamie, you're such a meanie… Well all right, then!"

Megs was fiddling with his belt already. Starscream flinched and practically flew to the man's side. "YOU DROP YOUR PANTS AND I'LL TELL EVERYONE HERE ABOUT YOUR FISHING TRIP!"

Megs looked up with surprised and Starscream wondered if he had actually heard that and registered it. Then, megs began tearing up again and he clung to Starscream like a child to his mother. "No, anything but that, please Screamie! I WON'T GO DIVING IN THE FISHING POND NAKED AGAIN!"

Laughter echoed in the bar. Starscream smacked Megs. "THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED!"

Megs put a finger to his lips. "Oh, you're right, that was my boyfriend, not me…" Megs blinked at Starscream. "Hey, aren't you that one guy… from that one thing… ya know, with Taco Man and a duck…?" Megs scrunched up his nose. "Wait, wait…" He suddenly jabbed a finger at Starscream. "I KNOW! YOU'RE A SCOT!" He looked down at Starscream's waist. "Hey, Scot, where's your kilt?"

Starscream let out a scream of frustration before dragging Megs over to the stools again. "SIT!" He put Megs in a stool. Starscream backed up a step before turning to Barricade, who was trying his damnest to get his laughter under control. "We're leaving. Turn that damn thing off." He pointed to the camera.

While Starscream was trying to get Barricade to turn off the camera, Megs was sitting in his chair, sniffling and trying to figure out why the Scot talking to the police man wasn't wearing a kilt. He watched as the Scot began to fight with the cop and feeling a sudden urge to defend the poor man, Megs suddenly jumped up and pushed the Scot to the floor.

Starscream looked up at Megs. "What the slag are you doing?!"

Megs blinked. "Slag?"

Starscream let out a grunt of frustration and sat up, pushing Megs off him. "Get off me, you Retardicon…"

Megs laughed at the insult, not knowing it WAS an insult. Starscream turned to Barricade. "We are out of here."

Barricade had his laughter under control now and he nodded, but didn't switch off the camera. He watched as Starscream took hold of Megs and stumbled out with him. On the way out the door, Megs waved Bob goodbye with a grin on his face. Bob just shook his head, not asking for payment, as the entertainment had been enough.

Once in the car, Barricade switched off his camera and revved up the engine. Starscream put Megs in the back seat with a passed out Blackout and shut the door before climbing into shotgun. As Barricade pulled away, Starscream glanced back at Megs, who was attempting to catch tiny little white fuzzies that didn't exist. "Megs?"

"What's up, Scot?" said man asked, his blurry eyes on Starscream while his hands still worked on getting the fuzzies.

Barricade snorted while driving. "Scot?"

Starscream growled. "Shut up." He looked back at Megs. "The fuzzies aren't there, Megs." Of course, Starscream would know what Megs was after because he himself had done it when he first went drinking, though he dare not admit to it.

Megs pouted before he shrugged and put his hands down. Starscream watched as Megs turned to Blackout in fascination. "Oooooooh, who's this, Scot?"

"My name is STARSCREAM and that is Blackout."

"Screamie… and Blackie…" Megs reached over and poked Blackout's cheek. Megs grinned and kept on poking the passed out Con until Starscream reached back and smacked Megs' hands away. "Quit it, Megs."

The leader frowned and leaned in close to Starscream. "Quit what?"

Oh, Primus, he was in the seductive stage now…

Starscream pushed Megs back with as much strength as he could without disrupting Barricade's driving and glared. "You know damn well what! Now stop acting like a slut and shut up!"

"But I like to talk… can't I talk to meh bestest buddy in the whole wide universe?"

Starscream began banging his head on the dash. Megs went back to poking Blackout.

Now the Cons knew to never go out drinking ever again…