Thank you for all the reviews. I am so sorry this has taken so long but I've been stuck in college so it's meant I couldn't get home where I post my stories so, I am very sorry and I hope you enjoy.
I watched a great episode the other day (aren't they all) and it actually really worked in with this story so I've kind of used it to bounce some ideas off, so I hope its okay and I hope you like it.
For those who don't like spoilers it contains spoilers for the episode Taboo, which is like series 5 or 6 I think so it has already aired but still, just thought I'd let you all know.
The part in italics is a flashback.
Chapter 10
Olivia was sat in an arm chair in the hospital ward. She was drifting in and out of sleep but wanted desperately to be awake in case Kate woke up. She looked around the empty ward, she hated hospitals, and it occurred to her the last time she was in a hospital with Kate was when she gave birth to her.
Sitting in the hospital brought back a lot of memories. She had thought about Kate everyday when she had gave her up but the time she had most regretted giving her up was when she and Elliot were working a case a couple of years ago, a baby had been found in the trash.
His mother had thrown him out after she gave birth in her dorm room, it turned out that she was a pretty disturbed girl and Olivia had found it hard not to fall for her lies and had even began to relate to her. As she watched Kate she remembered the case more clearly and the way she felt after it.
Olivia sat alone at the bar. It had been a long, stressful and almost surreal day. The case she and Elliot had been assigned to had taken its toll on her. Elliot taking the day off part way through, to be with his kids meant it had been even harder. Sometimes she forgot how important having him as a partner was to her.
Although, having him freak out at Ella in the interrogation room hit a nerve with her. It was a little to close to a memory that she tired to forget everyday, and she wondered how he'd react with her if he knew she and Ella had both abandoned their babies.
She understood Elliot's reasons for wanting to make Ella feel 3inches big but she couldn't help but feel if she did then it would be too hypercritical. She couldn't help but feel like she and Ella had a lot in common, she hadn't put her baby out with the trash but for personal reasons she had given her child up for adoption.
She was looking into her scotch on the rocks like it had all of life's answers at the bottom of it. She became aware of someone sitting next to her and looking at her. She looked up to see a man staring at her. "Can I help you?" She asked.
"What's a gorgeous woman like you doing alone in a place like this?" He asked. She wondered if that was his usual chat-up line.
"How do you know I'm alone?" She asked him, the detective in her never resting.
"Because I've been watching you since you walked in. I think every man in here has." He said making her laugh. She had gone home and changed into a little black dress and had felt all eyes on her when she walked in.
She looked up again and stared at the guy. He was actually really hot. He had hazel eyes that made her stomach do flips, he had dark brown hair and a caramel complexion just like her own, and his smile made her go weak at the knees.
Truth was she had come to the bar in the hopes of picking up a good looking guy like the one sitting in front of her. It wasn't her usual style, she liked to get to know a guy but tonight was different she was lonely and was looking for some company for the night.
She looked at the guy and smiled at him suggestively, his smiling back at her sealed the deal.
- - - - - - -
They both fell backwards out of the lift of her apartment building. They parted for a moment but quickly joined back up for another round of tonsil hockey. There really was nothing romantic about it.
Ray, as Olivia had come to know him, slammed her into the wall next to her door. Her shoulder blades crunched as they hit the hard wall. He grabbed her wrists and slammed them against the wall too, just above her head.
"Easy." She told him. She didn't mind a little fun but Ray was getting too rough and too heavy handed. His kisses came more forceful and his hands where everywhere, grabbing everything. "Ouch, Christ cool it Ray." She said.
Ray just carried on and began to bite her neck. "Get off me." Olivia yelled as she pushed him back. "What the hell?" Ray asked sounding pretty peeved.
"This was a mistake. You need to go." Olivia told him.
"What?" Ray asked in disbelief.
"I said GO!" Olivia told him again.
"You got issues lady. You have no idea what you're missing out on." Ray spat at her angrily. He turned and got into the lift, punching and kicking it. Olivia shook her head as the doors closed and the lift began to travel downwards.
She stood there for a second or two hating herself for letting that crap go that far. She got her keys out and unlocked her door and stepped inside her tiny and lonely apartment.
She walked through the dark apartment she knew off by heart and turned a lamp on in the corner. It easily lit up the tiny place she called home. She walked over to the windows and closed all the curtains. She peeled her coat off and threw it down on the couch.
The need for an alcoholic pain killer was too strong and she headed straight for the cupboard where her small alcohol collection lived. She pulled out a bottle of scotch and mimicked her own home version of the drink she had had in the bar.
As she took a sip from the glass she couldn't help but think about Ella. Ella had mouthed off throughout the entire case, but when she had said that Olivia had no idea what it was like growing up without a father, and to always miss that part of you, and to have a mother who hates you… she had wanted to scream something like 'you wanna bet?' at her.
She hadn't found it hard to feel compassion and empathy for her, especially when she had confided in her that the baby was a product of rape. Not only did it bring back memories of her and her mother but also of her and her own baby.
She had never told anyone but her mother about her rape. Only her mother had told her it was poetic justice for all the pain and suffering she had caused her since the day she had been born.
At a young age Olivia never understood why her mother hated her so much, she would never hold her or tell her she was pretty or she loved her, the things Olivia thought was normal for 'mommies' to do. As she got older and her mother told her why she was nothing more than a thorn in her shoe she understood completely.
In a way she too thought it was justice for her to be raped and have a child and to be raped by an acquaintance of her mother just added irony to the matter. She however had loved her child from the moment she saw her, but she still knew she couldn't keep her.
What was more ironic was she had come close to delivering her baby herself in her dorm room. She had rang her mother and asked her to come take her to hospital but she was drunk and joked that the babies father should do that. So Olivia had no choice but to call a taxi and had the baby alone in a hospital room.
She had to lie there all night and the next day and watch as happy couple cooed over their newborns, giving her the occasional look and shaking their heads because they had witnessed social services take her baby away. She had practically ran out of there once the nurses said she could be discharged.
When Ella had told her about the rape story Olivia had believed her so to find out it was all a lie and she in fact was intimately involved with her father was a kick in the guts for her stupidity at believing someone like Ella.
She walked over to the couch and sat down. She looked around the apartment, there was really nothing homely about it. She preferred to sleep at the cribs but she hated the sympathetic looks she got.
Olivia watched Kate as she slept, she moved a little in her sleep but she still didn't wake up. She wondered about what it would have been like if she had of kept her as a baby. She would never be working in the SVU that was a certain, but she knew if she could go back and keep Kate, that wouldn't bother her.
The night of the case she just couldn't seem to get out of her head had left her heartbroken. As she waited for Kate to wake up she was forced to remember more about it..
As she sat on the couch she wondered where her baby was, her baby who wasn't so much of a baby now. She guessed she was in some great home, going to a great school and living with a great family who loved her and could give her anything she wanted.
She thought about her father and thought about what she would do if she saw him. She kind of thought that most of her would want to punch and kick him, basically just beat the crap out of him for ruining her mother's life and ultimately her life. She knew she sure as hell wouldn't jump into bed with him.
It was safe to say that today had been a pretty tough day. Her tears began to fall freely. She was crying for a lot of reasons, for the way she had let another man treat her just moments before in her hallway, for Ella's baby who was lying alone in a hospital nursery, for her own daughter who she missed with every heartbeat, for her mother, for Elliot and the way things where for him at the moment but for once, she cried for herself.
She put her drink down onto the coffee table and curled up on the couch and began to sob. She reached up and pulled the blanket off the back of the couch over her and nestled her face into it. Then she just lay there on her couch, alone and crying.
She knew she'd return to work the next day the usual Olivia Benson tough, smart, independent, street smart cop.
Olivia continued to remember the way she felt that was until Kate turned on her side to look at her. "Olivia…" Kate mumbled groggily.
"Hey baby…" Olivia said pushing the memory away as she got up and sat on the bed next to Kate.
She looked so little lying in the big hospital bed. She had on a gown which drowned her she really was petite and it made Olivia smile. She was also attached to a drip and the nurses had bandaged up her burnt arm and tended to any other cuts Kate had.
"How are you feeling?" Olivia asked as she smoothed her hair.
"My head hurts." Kate said with a smile. Olivia smiled back, admiring her bravery, the DR's and nurses had give her nothing for any pain she may be in.
"Where are we?" Kate asked a little confused.
"You're in the hospital." Olivia told her.
She suddenly sat upright in the bed and looked around. "Where are Bob and Liam?" She said shaking.
"Sweetheart its okay they're at the station house. They're not gonna hurt you anymore." Olivia said. She smiled at Kate who still seemed a little unsure. There was a silence that fell between them.
Olivia wanted to apologise for a hundred things. Kate wanted to tell her a hundred things. "Did you…" "I need…" They both started to say at the same time. They both laughed. "You go first." Kate told her, eager to know what it was Olivia wanted to say.
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for giving you up I should have done more to keep you." Olivia said her head was pretty confused. Kate leant forward and hugged her. She threw her arms around her and held her like it was the first time she had been able to do it.
"I love you." Kate said. She had summed up all the things she had wanted to say to that one little sentence.
"I love you too, I always have." Olivia said back. She held Kate a little tighter.
"Olivia…?" Kate said.
"Yea baby..?" Olivia asked still holding her.
"Can I call you Mom?" Kate said, secretly crossing her fingers in hopes she would say yes.
Olivia pulled back, so she could see Kate. She had to wonder what she had done to deserve her. She began nodding, she was a little speechless. "I'd love you too." Olivia said.
Kate smiled, relieved, and hugged her again. "Thanks…Mom." She said. It felt a little strange, she'd never been able to say it in her whole lifetime, but being able to say it now to Olivia made her feel like she'd been saying it her whole life.
TBC
I was gonna finish this round about here, but I had a great idea for it the other night so I'm gonna go with that, be prepared for a lot more drama and suspense. Again thanks for waiting for this.
Please review.