"Kev, man. Leave my girl alone." Adam warned him as he kept peering into the cot. "She's asleep."

"She actually sleeps like you when you are passed out drunk." Adam looked over his shoulder. Matilda was in her usual sleeping position, flat on her back with her arms flung wide above her head. She looked like a starfish and no matter how much he had tried to keep her wrapped up she somehow managed to get her hands free.

"Funny guy." He slapped his hand as it crept towards her. "Leave her alone."

"But she hasn't seen her Uncle Kev for a whole week." He pouted as he leant closer to the sleeping baby. "She'll forget all about me."

"Whose fault is that?" He dragged him from the room by the arm when he heard a knock at the door. He didn't trust Kevin not to try and wake her up and he had only just gotten her to sleep. One thing he had learnt very quickly was whenever possible you did not wake a sleeping baby. "You were the one that bailed the other night because you had a better offer."

"Hey, you won't let me date her so I gotta find love somewhere else."

Adam closed the door quietly behind them and pushed Kevin down the hallway. "You do know how wrong that sounds, right?"

"Hey Amanda." He gave Kim's sister a quick kiss as he opened the door. Each time he saw her it was getting easier. She reminded him so much of Kim and initially he found it hard but he was getting there and she had been a godsend to them both. He always felt he could ring Amanda if he was worried about Matilda and she would calm him down and never made him feel like he was incapable. His mother sometimes made him more nervous with her fussing. "Hey Zo." He flicked Zoe's ponytail playfully as she bounced through the door. They were babysitting for him but Zoe was disappointed that Matilda was already asleep. Given half the chance he was sure Zoe and Kevin would have been back in her room in a flash.

It had taken him a couple of weeks to summon the courage to go into her nursery. Gradually everything he needed ended up in various places around the apartment so that he didn't need to go in there and she slept in a bassinette in his room at night. If he walked past and the door was open he would close it quickly. In those early days it was a bridge too far.

It was when his mother left him alone for the first time overnight that he took a deep breath, clutched Matilda to his chest and opened the door. Kim had done a beautiful job. He had been stunned when he saw the cost of fitting it out but she wanted it to be perfect and she was so excited and happy that he couldn't deny her anything. The white walls and furniture were contrasted with greens, greys and yellows, it was soft and soothing exactly the way Kim wanted it.

Adam didn't want to find out what they were having but Kim wasn't good with surprises. On her birthday he would have to give her a present the night before because she couldn't wait and then give her something else on her actual birthday and Christmas, forget it. It was a military operation and required every one of his undercover skills to hide her present from her. On the odd occasion he relented and went shopping for baby stuff every time Kim rejected something because it was to girly or boyish she grumbled that if they knew what it was they would have a problem.

Of the many things he wished were different that was one of them. If they had known what they were having Kim could have had more time getting to know her, they could have been more decisive on names and he wouldn't have let her go nameless for weeks. The moment she was born Kim would have known her daughter. Looking around the room now, perhaps she did know. It wasn't that the room was girlish but the animal prints, muted colours and white furniture certainly didn't scream a boy either. He could feel her presence and it felt comforting as they settled into the rocking chair and let it all wash over him.

He had a few hours away from Matilda some days to go to the gym or run some errands but this was the first time he was going out at night and socialising. Atwater was here to make sure he actually left the house. They had tried over the last few weeks to get him to come to Molly's for a drink but he had baulked every time, always using Matilda as an excuse. They couldn't argue with that but Erin had finally called in Amanda and gave him no way of wriggling off the hook

These were the hardest for him, the first time he did anything without her.

He was still dealing with the fallout from attending a single parent support group. That had been his mother's suggestion and he knew it was a bad idea but agreed to go just to stop her nagging. They were either stay at home Dad's or bitter single parents with limited time with their kids. No one was like him.

Some part of him was hoping that he would find someone to connect with which is why he agreed to go yet once he saw the pity in everyone's eyes he gave up and never went back. It set him back a little and reminded him at how alone he was in this world. He had to be happy with his lot in life at the moment. They had friends and family who supported them and that had to be enough right now.

"It's just you and me Tilly." He looked at her that evening and smiled as she curled the corners of her mouth and watched him intently. She constantly surprised him; how she responded to his voice and his touch. They would sit in the rocking chair in her darkened nursery and sing to her and she would slowly drift off to sleep. "We can do it, right?"

Adam rattled off a list of instructions for Matilda, feeling suddenly panicked. He looked at the list again to make sure he had covered everything. For someone who could barely remember to water a plant he had become a master at time management and organisation as long as he had a list. Amanda laughed as Kevin rolled his eyes. "Adam you do know that Zoe used to be a baby? We've got this."

"I know." He bounced lightly on his heels. "It's just…" she rested a hand on his arm.

"The first time." She finished his sentence and he just nodded. "Call as often as you want. I swear I won't bitch once about how annoying you are." She laughed and pushed them both towards the door. "Kevin, for the love of god take him now before he finds some other reason not to leave."

Molly's loomed large in front of them. In the car on the drive over the closer they got the quieter Adam became and the more Atwater talked. He blabbered on constantly but what about he wasn't sure. He appreciated the effort. "You good man?"

Adam dragged his vision away from the darkening evening. The nights were starting to hold a little nip and he made a mental note to make sure that he picked up some warmer clothes for Matilda. "Yep"

"Bro, you can let me know anytime that you've had enough, but not for a least an hour." Kev shot him the biggest grin he could. "Depending on the ladies, maybe two."

"I thought you were off the market?" Adam seriously hoped they weren't thinking about a woman for him. That was not happening, not now, not next week or anytime in the foreseeable future. He had proven to himself that he didn't need to be with anyone when he pulled himself out of the game when Kim dumped him, he certainly didn't need it now. He had to admit he had felt very little desire or urge in that regards in the last two months or so.

Kev winked at him. "I am allowed to window shop."

Adam had prepared himself for it as best he could and graciously accepted everyone's welcome, even though they were a little over the top but after a couple of drinks he started to loosen up a little. When he felt himself sinking he felt for the chain around his neck, the one that held Kim's wedding ring. He had slipped it onto the chain in the days after she was taken for him and now never took it off. Her engagement ring was safely tucked up at home but he needed to feel close to her this helped him navigate his darkness moments. His wedding ring was still on his finger, he was still married, and he was still married to her. Kim was his wife.

Antonio slipped into the stool beside him. "So back at work in a couple of weeks? You ready?"

"Not really but life goes on hey? I am sure once I get back into the swing of it I'll be fine." He really did miss work and was always more than happy to hear about what was going on with the team it was just the leaving of Matilda that he was struggling with. On the odd occasion he did stop in at the District he couldn't help himself and would sit in on case discussions and try and help. Matilda would often sleep in her pram in the corner and they were happy to let him stay, obviously he couldn't really be involved but it made him feel better to still be in the loop. "It's not so much work I am worried about, it's leaving Matilda."

"Yeah but how good is going home at the end of the day gonna be?" Antonio, having kids of his own was a great support to him. When he rocked up at the Gym he would often talk about them and how he managed to be a Cop and a Dad. Adam appreciated that every member of the team bought something different to the table as he tried to find his place in his new world.

At odd times through the night he felt a flash of guilt for enjoying himself, he would feel bad because for just a moment he almost forgot and he almost felt happy. He leant on the bar talking to Otis who was busy regaling him about Cruz's latest dating attempt and he had just noticed something near the till behind the barman when they were interrupted by the strange woman who had sidled up to the bar. "What's good here?" Adam heard the voice beside him. It sounded a little sickly sweet and made the hair stand up on the back of his neck and not in a good way. Probably not the effect she was hoping for judging by her appearance and overly gushy smile and they way she leant a little closer to Adam.

"Beer." He answered flatly as he moved away from her. Otis looked relieved, he didn't need to tell the interloper to back off because Ruzek shut her down. He picked up his beer and headed back towards the table full of Intelligence, he went scuppering back to his safe place. The woman turned her head and watched him go and Otis reached across the bar and tapped her hand bringing her attention back to him. "Is he going to be part of the next ladies night raffle?" she asked hopefully.

He shook his head. "No and I suggest you turn your attention anywhere but that table. Especially him, he's off the books."

"Checking in?" Erin noticed him looking at his phone. He had already called Amanda just as they arrived at the bar and had sent her a couple of texts.

"Yep."

"And?"

"She's good, sleeping peacefully although I am sure Amanda would be telling me that even if she was screaming the house down. Which I might add she has been known to do. The last week has been insane which is apparently not unusual at this age although it's not entirely pleasant." He showed Erin a photo of Matilda sound asleep before he slipped his phone back into his pocket. "Can I ask you something?"

Erin nodded. "There is a jar behind the counter, the tip jar. It says 'For Matilda' on it. What's that about?"

"The guys here are donating all their tips to Matilda." Erin watched him carefully trying to judge his reaction. Sometimes he appreciated the support he was getting and other times he got frustrated that people didn't think he was capable of caring for his daughter. "There is more."

"Such as?"

"Ladies night, they raffle off a date with a Fire-fighter and Severide had them raking it in. They also managed to rope in Clark from over at Med and I think Connor Rhodes is next on the slab. They have raised some serious cash to help you out with looking after Matilda when you go back to work. And the District has raised some money too."

He squeezed his eyes shut, willing the tears not to fall. Erin jumped out of her seat and came and flung her arm around his shoulder as she whispered in his ear. "They wanted to do it, they all loved Kim and they want to help you and Matilda. They don't want you to worry about paying for things; they want you to be able to just be her Dad. Don't be mad."

"I'm not mad."

"We weren't sure."

"I just hate it, I hate it all. Feeling like this, it hurts so fucking much." He sighed and angrily flicked a random tear from his cheek. This had sent him spiralling towards the bottom and he struggled to pull up before he crashed and burned. "But I get up everyday because of Matilda and I know she has all these amazing people around her that love her and that's a good thing, right?"

"And you too. Those same people love you too." Erin pressed a brief kiss his temple, wary of drawing too much attention to them. He would hate that; he didn't want people to be sad around him.

He was overwhelmed when they presented him with a cheque for Matilda for $5K. It seems that plenty of people were willing to pay for anything to do with fire fighters and women were happy to bid on a date with Kelly Severide. Ladies night at Molly's was a raging success, if not a little wild and all proceeds were for Matilda.

It was the first time he spoke publically about losing Kim. "I don't know if I can even get through this, but I will give it a go." He felt Jay's hand on his back, Atwater stood on the other side. "Thank you. I don't know how to thank you all enough for your generosity and support. I know I probably haven't made things easy for a lot of you at times and perhaps you don't feel like I noticed all the things people were doing for us, but I did and I appreciated it all. More than anything I was comforted to know that everyone loved Kim and she is so sorely missed. I miss her every second of everyday and I am trying to hang on to every glimmer of hope." His voice started to wobble and he took a deep breath and stepped a little closer. "Matilda is that hope and although I didn't expect all this, it will help her have the life she deserves. The life Kim and I wanted for her." He turned away from the crowd into the protective embrace of his family.

Herrmann and Severide filled him in on the Ladies night fiasco and he couldn't help but laugh at their animated description of the night and banter. "He had to jump over the bar to save himself. Next time…."

Kelly held up his hands. "Whoa Herrmann, who said anything about a next time." he protested. "That chick I went out with was fucking batshit crazy."

"Toughen up Princess. It's for a good cause."

"True story." Adam agreed, nodding as he laughed and slapped Severide on the back. "Thanks though. It means a lot."

"As long as I get to take her out on her first date I'm happy."

"You think I am letting you get your hands on my daughter? It is kind of freaking me out, both you and Atwater want to date her and she's what 10 weeks old. It's disturbing."

Severide snorted as Herrmann laughed. "Hey I can be the complete gentleman. Just ask the crazy chick, I am sure she was hoping for me to be a little less gentlemanly."

"And if you had been a little less gentlemanly imagine the crowd we'd get next time." Muttered Herrmann as he poured Severide another drink. Adam shook his head when he offered to top him up. He had no intention of going home drunk because getting up two or three times to Matilda whilst hungover was far from appealing.

"Stop trying to be my pimp." Severide had no such qualms as he knocked back the shot. "Anyway surely next time it's up to the 21st to put some meat on the slab. Halstead will do."

"Good luck getting that past Erin." Adam muttered although he was pretty sure they would do just about anything for Matilda if asked.

"How was she?" Adam made Amanda a coffee when he got home. It wasn't a late night and he certainly wasn't drunk although the edge had been well and truly taken off. It was the first time he'd had more than one drink since he had taken over looking after Matilda full time. He'd had one night not long after she was born where he wrote himself off completely. It dulled the pain momentarily but the subsequent hangover piled on top of his crushing grief was unbearable, so he pulled back. It would have been easy to drink his pain away on more than one occasion but that pain was still there the next day. It changed nothing.

"Slept like a baby, much to Zoe's disgust. She was hoping for a little more action."

"I bet she won't be saying that when she is awake and screaming for a bottle at 3am." Zoe was staying the night; she had already crashed out in the spare room and had begged to stay. It was the only reason she agreed to come with her mother. Adam was more than happy for her to sleep over as it would give him someone else to talk to in the morning because Matilda wasn't exactly the conversationalist.

"So the million dollar question. How was your night?"

"Pretty good. You'll be glad to know I wasn't a complete miserable bastard." He reached into his pocket and handed Amanda the cheque. "They did this for Matilda."

Amanda gasped when she saw the total. "Wow."

"Yep. I may have been a bit of a blubbering mess then but I pulled it together." He smiled a little. "It's pretty good huh? They want it to help out."

"It's great." Even Amanda had tears in her eyes. "This kid has a tribe in her corner."

Voight was surprised to see Bob Ruzek sitting in his office. How far had they come? The last time he had set foot in the 21st he refused to come upstairs not wanting to give Voight the upper hand. Back then he had hated the thought of his son working in Intelligence and more than that, he hated him working for Voight. Over the years he had accepted it to a point because Adam seemed happy and all the information he received told him that he was doing well and had flourished in his Unit. His son was becoming a bloody good cop and for that he was damn proud.

"Bob." He shook his hand. "How you doing?"

"You know. Busy as always. Serving and Protecting."

Voight leant back in his chair, he had a feeling he knew exactly what this visit was about but he wasn't in the mood to make it easy for Bob. They may have reached a mutual level of civility but friendly they were not. "What can I do for you Bob? I assume you are not here to give me a pep talk."

"I'm here about Adam." He looked Voight straight in the eye. "I'm not sure Intelligence is the right fit for him anymore."

"Has he said something?" Voight had already had this conversation with Ruzek and he had insisted that Intelligence was where he wanted to be. He would be surprised if that had changed considering the amount of time of the past couple of weeks he had spent sitting in on cases. Some days they needed to literally push him out the door.

"No. Not to me but do you really think he can be up here and look after Matilda?"

"We will soon find out."

"And that's good enough for you I suppose?" he leant forward and narrowed his eyes. "You know as well as I that he is too stubborn to admit he can't do something."

Voight crossed his arms across his chest. "So you want me to kick him when he's down. Tell him he can't come back and do the job he loves?"

"It's not about that. It's what's best for both of them."

"He's family. He wants to come back. If he comes to me in a week, a month or a year and says he can't do it I will support him 100%, but right now he promises me he wants to be here surrounded by this family and we will do whatever we can to help."

"He doesn't want to let anyone down."

"You know what Bob. You underestimate your son. He's a bloody good cop, one of the best I've had the pleasure of working with and I absolutely want him in my unit but Matilda comes first and I will make damn sure he knows that."

"I don't underestimate him. I just know how loyal he is to this unit, perhaps to his detriment."

Voight stood up and offered Bob his hand, signalling that they were done. "You've raised a good man. We've got his back."

The one time Bob had tried to bring it up with his son he was firmly put back in his place. "It's my job, it's what I am good at and I know Kim would not want me to give up."

"It's not about giving up, it's about Matilda."

"I can be her Dad and a cop. If you don't want to help me do that, fine tell me now and I will sort something else out." He felt like his Dad had ambushed him and was undermining him, putting doubts in his mind. He had already thought long and hard about where he now found himself, he had a lot of time at night to do that and it always came back to what Kim would want. She would want him to do what he loved. Half his world had been obliterated in the blink of an eye; he desperately needed the stability of the Intelligence Unit.

He needed to figure it out himself what was right for him and his daughter and all he wanted was for people to let him do that.