I was carrying two huge bags of groceries that were so full that Paige was worried I might drop half of their content any second.
"Let me help you." Paige offered and I bit my lip to keep myself from saying anything against it.
"Don't give me that look, I can carry some groceries." Paige said with a warning look and I nodded.
"What are you cooking?" Paige asked.
"You'll see. Just relax and let me do my thing."
"Okay, okay." Paige replied, raising her hands in defense. "Just tell me if you need any help."
"Will do." I said smiling, opening the book I had brought with me. It was full of colorful post-it's with little notes that bookmarked the best recipes.
"Since when do you need glasses for reading?" Paige asked confused, wrapping herself in a huge blanket.
"I don't, but they make me look intelligent, don't you think?"
"You're such a dork." Paige laughed, shaking her head. Emily was still too adorable for words.
I started slicing the vegetables and I had to say it felt good preparing a meal in what used to be our kitchen. I still knew my way around, although everything else changed the cabinets didn't.
After a while the whole apartment was filled with a delicious smell and for the first time in a long time Paige found herself to be truly hungry. In the past months eating had mostly been an annoying necessity for her, something she did in order not to starve and to keep her strength, but nothing she truly enjoyed. Now she could feel her mouth get watery, could feel some weird anticipation inside of her belly, looking forward to sitting down with Emily at their dinner table and see her smile when they ate.
Paige sipped the last of her tea, pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands when she felt the cool breeze from the open window blow inside the living room. She loved being inside when it was freezing outside, loved the fact that it was already getting dark in the afternoon. She loved the warm feeling of soft cotton on her skin and hot tea in her belly. And Emily here with her. It felt like home again. It felt right.
Paige gave me a warm smile, getting up from the sofa and walking over to the kitchen , not able to resist the smell for any longer.
"It looks great." She said in awe as she looked at the casserole that was still in the oven. "And it smells even better."
"A few more minutes" I stated, smiling back at her. "I hope you're hungry."
"Yeah, actually I am." Paige said nodding as her gaze landed on the book that was still lying on the counter. I felt the knot around her throat tighten.
The Cancer-Fighting Kitchen: Nourishing for Cancer Treatment and Recovery.
I was aware of Paige's sudden change in mood and made my way over to her, laying a hand on her shoulder.
"What is this?" Paige asked slowly, letting her finger run along the cover of the book.
"I... I did some research." I admitted. "Are you mad?"
The question was barely more than a whisper and Paige felt that all too familiar little pain in her chest. Mad? No. No, she wasn't mad. She was mad at the fact that what had seemed so normal and familiar was now overshadowed by the depressing reality again, but was she mad about her friend doing everything she could do keep her healthy? Of course not.
"I'm not mad." She said softly, looking over her shoulder to give me a small reassuring smile.
"It's just, why are you doing this?"
"I just want to know as much as I can, Paige." I explained honestly. "I want to be prepared. Be involved. Like I said, you are important to me and I wasn't lying. I want you to take good care of yourself and do the best you can, I want you to eat healthfully and... "
"And what?" Paige asked, her look hopeful.
"And I want you to let me come to your appointment tomorrow."
Paige swallowed. "How did you know?"
I stepped from one foot to the other. "I kind of saw your calendar, that little notebook, it was lying in the kitchen, I'm sorry."
Paige sighed. "Don't apologize it's okay. I guess I want you there with me."
We smiled at each other for a long moment until I finally nodded and pointed at the oven.
"We should eat before the food burns. I put too much effort into this to screw it up on the finish line."
"I'm going to burst!" Paige moaned, leaning back in her chair as she was rubbing her own belly above her shirt. "This was a food orgasm."
"I'm glad you liked it." I giggled, eyeing her closely.
"Seriously, where did you learn how to cook so well?"
I went quiet for a moment, the smile frozen on my lips. Most things I knew came from Ava.
"Uh... Ava taught me a bit. She works at a catering service."
Paige looked tired, more tired than usual. She was a little pale.
"Are you okay?" I asked carefully and Paige nodded.
"I'm okay, I just I think I need some rest soon if that's okay with you."
"Are you kidding? Of course it's okay. Energy is important."
Paige was making her way over to the sofa, lying down and supporting her head on the armrest, struggling to find a comfortable position.
I had started carrying the used dishes to the kitchen sink, letting some hot water run over them.
Paige was still fighting with a little pillow, positioning it under her neck so she could still lurk at the TV.
"Paige?" I suddenly asked, my voice shy.
"Mhmm?"
"Your wig, it's..."
Paige stared at me.
"It looks a bit uncomfortable and you're at home after all. You should take it off much better for snuggling on the couch."
Frowning, Paige dragged the blanket closer to her body.
"I don't want to." She simply stated, shrugging and willing to change the subject.
"I think you want to, you just don't want to open up to me as much."
Paige sighed again, curling some strand of fake hair around her index finger.
"What have I left, how much pride, if one of the main things that once made me desirable is gone too now? It's just awkward."
I shook my head, moving closer to Paige so she was sitting right in front of me.
"There's no need to keep up any facade in front of me. I've seen you in all kinds of situations, remember? Hell, you've seen me in all kinds of situations and nothing has to feel awkward in front of me or make you insecure. Remember how I felt when I got chicken pox? I was twenty, or twenty-one, and I was so whiny and embarrassed because I thought chicken pox were only for children, you remember that?"
Paige smiled at the memory, her gaze dropping as the images of said day were flashing in front of her inner eye.
"I do, Em. How could I forget?" She whispered.
"Oh, oh, or remember that one time when I called you at work?" I blurted out, barely able to control my laughter.
"Oh god, Em..." Paige groaned, burying her face in her own hands.
"Hello, Paige McCullers speaking, please make it quick..."
"Oh I know, you like it quick sometimes."
"Em?"
"Hmmm, yes. Do you miss me? I was thinking about you."
"Em, this is a bad time, I'll call you later okay? I -"
"I'm naked right now..."
"Emily!"
"I can't wait till you come home, cause I was at this little shop downtown today, and I bought this thing that you were too shy to get for us the other day. I can't wait to try it out with you, I'm already super w-"
"EMILY I AM IN A MEETING AND YOU'RE ON SPEAKER. GOOD BYE!"
The call disconnected and Paige's face had turned a dark shade of red as she stared at the five men sitting in front of her who were looking at her with widened eyes.
"I... um... excuse me, I'm so sorry, I told my assistant not to ... I mean, I usually don't accept personal calls at work, I thought it was something important, I - "
One of the men smirked, coughing. "It did sound rather important to me."
"Why are you reminding me of this? That was a lot more embarrassing for me than it was for you and now it's supposed to make me feel better?" Paige asked frowning. She had wanted to kill her assistant that day. And she had wanted to kill Emily.
"C'mon Paige, I can see that hidden smile on your face." I grinned, sticking out my tongue. "We totally got over it and in fact..." I mumbled, "I think we had the best sex ever when you came home."
I bit my lower lip, batting my eyelashes in a manner that Paige had always loved.
"Yeah.. yeah, it was pretty good." Paige admitted, nodding and smiling to herself at the inevitable wave of memories.
This had been only a few weeks before Paige had gotten her test results. A few weeks before they had told her she had cancer. Before they had told her it had already spread and it looked bad for her. Before her world had fallen apart and she had slowly started pushing me away. It was a happy memory. A careless one.
My hand was still lying on Paige's. We were looking at each other in a way that didn't require words. There was trust between us. A deep kind of trust that we started building up years ago. Sure there had been lies, sure there had been betrayal but in the end this strong connection remained.
Paige held my hand, slowly moving both our arms upwards until our hands reached her head. We did not once break eye-contact when she let me grab the wig.
Our faces were dangerously close to each other when I slowly removed the fake hair, revealing tousled, auburn hair and a much shorter haircut. I could see Paige hesitate, could feel her insecurities bubbling back to the surface, but I would not let her feel bad now. There was absolutely nothing embarrassing about the Paige in front of me. Paige was a beautiful woman. Absolutely stunning.
Paige smiled shyly and I smiled back, my hand slowly running through her real hair. It felt different than the wig. It felt like Paige. It felt like the good old days.
"You're so pretty." I whispered and I could sense my own tears coming back, dangerously close to running down my cheeks. My thumb was running along Paige's cheek now, enjoying the feel of her soft skin against my hand.
I brushed some hair behind her ear, still looking her in the eyes.
"Still so beautiful."
Paige blushed, closing her eyes for a moment to take in the feel of the soft strokes.
"I'm glad you're here." She whispered but before I had the chance to answer, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. The sudden sound made my heart skip a beat and I was drawn back to reality in an instant.
Ava. Of course.
"Ava? Yeah, yes, I'm still here. No. Well, if you like you can pick me up here, sure, yes. Okay. Then I see you soon."
I cleared my throat.
"I promised to come home to her tonight. I wasn't there last night, so I guess I have to, you know, I don't want her to be - "
"Em!" Paige interrupted. "Em, it's okay. It's totally fine. I want you to enjoy the rest of the night. I'm no fun anymore anyways, I'm really fucking tired. I'm just going to sleep."
"But I'll see you tomorrow, right? I can pick you up! 10 AM?"
"Sounds like a plan." Paige replied before pulling me in for an unusually close hug. Sometimes I wondered if Paige was scared it might be the last time we would see each other.
I put a small kiss on her hair, rubbing my hands along Paige's back.
"Sleep well, okay?" I whispered and Paige nodded.
"You too, Em. And thank you for the food."
I smiled. The food. Yeah.
/
"How was it?"
No response.
"Em?"
"Uh yeah sorry." I had been silent since Ava had picked me up from Paige's place. "We ate together."
Ava swallowed. "You cooked?"
"Mmh."
Ava sighed, changing into more comfortable clothes herself. It was pretty obvious that I was not in the mood to talk so she headed to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash off her make-up.
Was there a guidebook that told you how to deal with such a situation?
"You want to watch a movie or something?" She asked carefully, not knowing what else to suggest. It wasn't that late yet, not our usual sleeping time.
I shrugged.
"Or talk?"
I looked up to her, smiling a little as I patted the spot next to me on the covers. "I just feel kind of drained to be honest." I told her, wrapping an arm around Ava who had crawled next to me on the mattress.
Ava nodded, letting her head rest on my shoulder as she slowly let her hand stroke the my belly, inhaling my familiar smell.
"You were on my mind all day." Ava whispered, snuggling closer to kiss my cheek and neck. She found the spot at my earlobe that always made me giggle when she nibbled on the skin there, except for this time. She travelled her hand upwards, lifting my shirt in the process. We hadn't had sex in over a week. My body stiffened under her touch.
"You okay?"
"Sure." I mumbled, turning my head to look at Ava. The smile on her lips was sad. Should she stop? Should we just sleep?
I reached for Ava's hand, taking it to
my lips to kiss her fingertips.
"Do you need space?"
I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment. I started to think about my response, which was always a bad sign. I never thought long about what I said, usually I would say what I wanted to say, blurted out whatever was going on in
my mind. A quality Ava had always liked and appreciated.
"No. I'm glad you're here. I don't want to be alone."
Ava nodded again, moving closer to finally capture my lips with her own, my eyes pressed shut.
"I love you." She whispered against my lips and I allowed her to deepen the kiss, slowly opening my mouth.
Ava let out a soft moan, relieved to kiss like that again, to have my attention. Her right hand was running through my soft hair, her left hand having a mind of its own as it made its way further under my shirt, lightly stroking my breasts.
She parted my legs with her knee, moving fully on top of me, not once breaking our kiss. I let her, my own hands slowly stroking up and down Ava's back.
Ava opened her eyes, searching the dark brown ones in front of her that were missing their usual passionate sparkle. She eyed her closely when her hand found Emily's nipple, pinching it slightly. A small gasp was escaping Emily's lips and she closed her eyes, frowning.
What was that frown? Was she doing something wrong? She knew Emily's body well by now, almost as well as her own.
Emily's hands kept running up and down Ava's back, her fingertips leaving feather light strokes above the fabric of her shirt.
Ava looked at me again, thumb still encircling my nipple as her mouth was travelling to my neck. Kissing. Biting a little.
Her leg was still positioned between mine, she pressed it down a little more firmly, rubbing along that spot between my thighs.
"Hey, you with me?" Ava asked concerned, taking my chin in her hand to make us look at each other.
"Yes. Yes, keep going." I encouraged her, closing my eyes as I focused on the pressure against my clit and the hand that was slowly making its way between our bodies, tugging on my sweatpants.
Ava's fingers were slowly making their way into my panties. They travelled further down, brushing against soft skin, when her hand suddenly froze, one finger resting at my most intimate spot.
"Wow."
"Wow what?" I asked confused, urging my girlfriend to keep doing what she was about to do.
Ava crawled off of my body, lying down next to me, staring at the wall.
"Why did you stop?"
"It's okay, Em. It's I guess not the right time. Obviously."
I didn't say anything and Ava couldn't help but feel stupid.
It was fucking hard to be understanding all of the time because as sad and fucked up the situation was the fear of losing the woman she loved kept overshadowing all of it.
She could feel her hands getting sweaty, could feel her heart beating a little faster. Emily didn't want her anymore, did she? Yeah, sure, it was emotional overload for her girlfriend, but shouldn't her give her power? Shouldn't she be like her safe haven? It sucked. It truly fucking sucked.
Minutes passed and the silence was suffocating as Ava felt her own fingernails dig into the palms of her hand.
"You would rather be with her, wouldn't you? You're mad at me for picking you up earlier. You wanted to stay but felt guilty, so you came with me. Am I right? I stand no fucking chance against her. You still love her. Just say it."
I closed my eyes, my hands massaging my temples. "Please don't make this harder for me than it already is."
There were so many things I wanted to say to her. So many thoughts that ran through my mind. Such a strong urge to scream that it was fucking hard for her as well because she didn't want to lose her. But no words came out.
"Let's just sleep." Ava whispered, dragging the blanket all the way up to her chin. How was she going to support her? How was she going to be able to see them together, seeing the look on Emily's face when she was around Paige? She didn't know if she could do it. She really didn't know.
"I'm going to go with her to her doctor's appointment tomorrow morning."
It was a strong statement in the otherwise dark and quiet room.
"Yeah. Of course you are."
It was the last thing we said to each other that night.