God help me, I think I'm in love with Sherlock Holmes.

It sounds crazy even now, writing it in this journal that no one but me will ever see. It's all a bit ridiculous. I feel a lot like a teenage girl writing about her crush in her diary or something.

As Sherlock pointed out in one of his letters, we've only been writing each other for ten or eleven months, and we only spent a week together before I came back here to Afghanistan. That isn't near enough interaction to develop feelings for someone.

Is it?

But I can't help it. He's just so amazing. That brain of his, Jesus Christ…from the first time we met almost three years ago now, I've been awed by his brilliance. I remember being dumbfounded by it at first. How could he have possibly known all that about me just from one look? But it was true. It was all true. And I couldn't help but think about him almost every day since. Every time I came home from being deployed, I went back to that fountain in Regent's Park with some insane hope that I would meet Sherlock again.

And I did.

I met him again and he was just as amazing as before. Even more so after we chatted over dinner, and he invited me to stay at his flat.

For the record, I never intended to just up and leave Harry and Clara like that. But with my and Harry's relationship being rocky our entire lives, and not wanting to deal with her and Clara fighting all the time, I just wanted to get out. And Sherlock provided me an escape. Going on a case with him was the most fun I've ever had in my entire life. Nothing can compare to the tingling rush of chasing after a criminal, or the breath of relief and satisfaction when you finally catch the guy and solve the case. It was only the one time, but I would trade anything to live that kind of lifestyle every day.

To be by Sherlock's side every day. Even just as a friend.

I can't ever tell him how I feel about him. From the way he reacted to the teasing about us, he obviously doesn't feel the same way. I don't want to destroy what we have going so far just because I can't keep my heart in check like Sherlock seems to do so effortlessly. Being able to detach myself emotionally would make this easier, I think. It would make my job easier, too. I have a hard time with it sometimes, not being able to save everyone. I need to grow tougher skin. I need to not be so…soft.

But the fact of the matter is, I love Sherlock Holmes.

And there's nothing I can do about it.