Title: Ctrl Z

Summary: Matt was always quiet and conservative. But that ideal is subject to change once Mello reads Matt's uncensored thoughts are on the laptop he left behind.

Disclaimer: I don't own DN or anything referenced. The quotes mentioned are not mine.

Author's Note: Matt's Sixth Journal Entry. Another semi-somber chapter. Sorry if it's scatterbrained again!

…

It's been a while since I've written anything. Too long. So, I guess I should catch up on things.

I got my results back from the doctor's. I've officially been diagnosed with Tay-Sachs disease. Apparently, it usually effects an infant and they don't live to see the age of five, but in rare cases –cases like mine, of course –Tay-Sachs remains dormant and undetected until the infected person reaches their early twenties, and then it assaults their nervous system all at once, quickly and effectively shutting them down and causing a rather sudden death. It is incurable and untreatable.

The doctor suggested that I make myself as comfortable as possible at home and avoid strenuous activity. -Thats what they tell old people who are ready to fuckin' croak.

My days are numbered.

B was right.

So, I've been seeing him more often than not, using him as a personal countdown 'til my demise. He's brilliant, in some ways. He says he can see my name and lifespan… And strangely enough, I believe him. He's not completely crazy; there's validity in his thoughts and theories. He has this idea that everyone dies alone, even if they pass away while in a crowded room. In the end, your body is limp and lifeless, sightless and thoughtless, and your soul perishes from this world and rebirths in the next; it's supposed to be more unbearable than any pain. –But B has this impression… that when he murders someone and personally watches the light fade from their eyes, he has a chance to touch their soul for the smallest second, and for that instance, there is no loneliness.

B is offering me that 'piece of eternity,' as he calls it. And… I'm debating on whether or not to accept.

Still, he and I discussed it recently, and there is an alternative solution. It is known as soul-suffocation. It's a form of suicide –now, I know what you're thinking: 'MATT'S SUICIDAL!' But that's not the case. I'm being logical.

First off, forget what you know about religion and all that bullshit. There is a Heaven; there is a Hell; there is Limbo; and there is also Nihility. Heaven and Hell are like you imagine. Limbo is when your soul is trapped on earth. And Nihility is a dark and infinite chasm where the soul goes when someone commits suicide. Supposedly, the moment you reach Nihility, your soul is wiped of all the hardships of living, and it becomes pure. Once pure, it is given the chance to live again, starting over –a form of reincarnation, if you will.

Granted, death is frightening, and none of the choices are appealing, it is inevitable.

I, Mail Jeevas, am going to die.

But not today.

-Oh, and I did it, by the way. A while ago, I drugged Mello and took a tape measure to his dick. The results will not be documented here, but I will say that I was rather pissed off about it. So… yeah, whatever my princess is doing, he's doing very well.

And, he's still my princess, though, with my newfound disease, I've been trying to be a bit more open with him. But… I'm not sure he's noticed. –I don't want to die and leave my best friend without him even knowing that I felt things; I want him to know that I had thoughts and opinions –I fuckin' mattered, y'know?

But how can I tell him? Unless he reads these Journals for himself, but he'd need one hell of a good reason to even touch my lappy-toppy.

-Eh, I'll dwell on this shit later. For now, I'm supposed to meet up with B pretty soon. Last time I spoke to him, he specifically requested that I bring Hydrogen Sulfide and Sanporu. Not sure why. Oh wellz.

…Oh, holy mother of FUCK on an icecream cone! I almost forgot! Before I forget 'em, I'm writing/typing a handful of little quotes B and I overheard when we went out to do a new hobby of mine: People Watching. (I know it's creepy, but you can learn so much by observing strangers –and they sometimes say the funniest shit! Here's proof!)

- A day without sunshine is like, well, night, man. Now, add a hooker, and it's a good night!
- Never forget that you are unique, just like everybody else!
- Tis better to be pissed off than pissed on.
- I'm tellin' ya: he who refuses to listen, is lying.
- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
- The young know the rules; the old know the exceptions.
- Getting sick at the airport could be a terminal illness.
- If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you.
- An 'Aeroplane Blonde' is one who has bleached his/her hair but still has a 'black box'.
- People who say they never fart are full of hot air.
- Two wrongs may not make a right; but two Wrights made an airplane -so fuck you, hoes!
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet, dumbass.
- Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
- An argument between pharmacist and a patient is called a pill-owe-fight.
- What do you do with a year's worth of used condoms? Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a Goodyear.
- The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
- Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless. Use a crayon!
- I had AIDS, but I gave them to you!

-Okay, so not all of them are funny, but I'm pretty sure I was wasted at the time, so it seemed funnier. Whatever, man. I've gotta get going. I have to get going to pick up those chemicals for B, that crazy bastard.

…

/Yeah, the quotes were relatively pointless, but some of them were funny, and I felt that it adds a certain quality to it. I dunno. Review please./