AUTHORS NOTE: Thanks everybody for the support! Thank you so much to all the readers! Please, tell me what you think. All opinions are welcome! Please, note how extremely difficult it is to write about characters we normally see only in very extreme situations. I'm trying hard to improve in keeping them in character.
Warning: things get hotter. But it's likely only for this chapter, so I don't see the point in moving up the rating for the whole story. Anyway, if your parents let you see 24, I assume you are old enough to read this chapter.
SERIES: Everything went downhill from there
PART ONE: A total eclipse of the heart
Previously: Renee learns Jack became addicted to painkillers because of his decease. He admits being angry because she is planning to leave. She admits being too messed up to stay. But when he suffers from withdrawal symptoms, she promises to help him get detox as soon as he's done with his treatment (in six weeks). They have some sort of first date, and they dance and kiss.
Disclaimer: I don't own 24. It belongs to fox, Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran and Howard Gordon.
CHAPTER 10:
IF LOVING YOU IS WRONG I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT
YEAR 2017 – March 24th
8 PM - WASHINGTON DC – FBI FIELD OFFICE
Larry Moss was drinking coffee from a big mug with the FBI logo on it. Then he took an aspirin for his headache. He had lost count of how much coffee he had drunk that day. He hadn't slept more than four hours per night in the past two weeks, and with good reason. A domestic terrorist group had a plan to infiltrate the nation's entire computer infrastructure. God only knew what they could do if they pulled that one off. He sat behind his desk and took yet another glance to Tony Almeida's file. Almeida seemed to be leading the terrorist group, but nobody knew where that guy had been hiding since faking his own demise.
At that moment, Renee walked into his office announcing "The results are back. That body I had exhumed is not Tony Almeida's" That only confirmed what they already knew. But at least they now had solid evidence. Then she noticed how exhausted and frustrated her boss looked. "You should go home, Larry. You need your sleep"
"I can't. If this people breach the firewall…"
"I know how serious this is. That's why the FBI needs a director who rests, not one who just drinks coffee until he hallucinates" She said mocking him lightly. But she knew Larry wouldn't sleep until they had at least made some progress. So she took a seat in front of him noticing the mess of papers that were over his desk, until one file in particular caught her attention. "What are you doing with Jack Bauer's file?"
"I know you already read it. But I decided to give it a look myself"
"Larry, I told you Almeida is not working with Bauer. I ruled out that theory already"
"What if you are wrong? Almeida wants to destroy the government because Charles Logan killed his wife. He's a desperate man who lost everything. Sounds familiar?" Larry asked rhetorically while patting Jack Bauer's file.
"No, Jack Bauer's not a traitor. The man spent two years under torture in China for this nation" She said with profound confidence in Bauer's patriotism. But Larry was not as sure.
"But now this same country he protected is after him for human rights violations. Not that he doesn't deserve a severe punishment for the repulsive things he has done, if you ask me"
"I didn't ask" Renee said quickly with a grave tone. The FBI agent inside her told her to follow the rules, to do the right thing, to serve her country following the same laws she had vowed to uphold. But a different voice coming from the deepest of her broken soul said things like 'stop living in a fantasy world', 'the bad guys have to be punished at whatever cost', 'you are a pitiful wussy'.
Larry realized he had hit a nerve, not understanding why. To him, Bauer was nothing but a thug and Renee had no reason to think otherwise. "Don't you think Bauer might feel exactly like his former friend does?"
"I think he can understand Almeida's thinking. But he's not capable of committing treason" She replied honestly.
"If you are right, we are back to square one"
"Not exactly. Jack Bauer can get Almeida better than anybody. He worked with him for years. He has his same training, knows the same people. He can help us with this. He can lead us to Almeida."
"I don't want to have someone like him around this office. He may not be a traitor, but he's not someone we can trust. You read about how he's used to work. His methods are illegal and morally repulsive" He knew he was stepping into dangerous territory as a man talking to Renee, the die-hard republican. But as FBI director, he would never let his best agent believe even for a second that people like Bauer were right while the law was wrong.
Renee tried to hide how irritated she was. First of all, it pissed her off that Larry was talking as if Jack Bauer would immediately turn the FBI headquarters into a torture chamber. Secondly, she felt it wasn't fair that a patriot like Jack Bauer was about to be crucified for doing what was necessary to save the lives of innocent people. Innocent people like James. Nevertheless, the smart FBI agent in her told her to keep her feelings to herself and just appeal to Larry's desperate need for a solution.
"Larry, this is your call. But with so many innocent American lives at stake, you should keep an open mind. He can give us some ideas to stop this threat. Look at this…" She got up her chair, walked behind him. Then she leaned a bit forward to flit through a couple of pages from Tony's files. To make her point, she showed him the part explaining how Jack had been the last person to see him before the EMT crew rushed Almeida away.
She was so close to him that Larry couldn't help to take in the sweet fragrance of her Carolina Herrera perfume. He suddenly couldn't think of anything else. That was another problem that had turned him into an insomniac. He still was not over her. He still loved her. But she had never loved him back, which hurt him like hell. All they had ever had was a fling during his painful separation process. But she had ended it for good before things could get serious. He had tried to get back together with her, to no avail, after his divorce became official.
"Larry? Are you listening?" Renee noticed worriedly that he seemed absentminded all of a sudden.
Larry shook his head trying to focus on what was truly important. "Yeah, I'm sorry. What's your point?"
"That Bauer will feel outraged when he learns what Almeida did. He watched him die. He'll most likely want to find him, if only to demand an explanation"
"But he has to testify in the senate hearings tomorrow morning, and after that he's definitely getting indicted for… human rights violations" Larry stressed that last part, with a clear 'is-that who-you-want-to-work-with?' tone.
Yeah, I got it, Larry, he's evil Renee thought sarcastically and rolled her eyes. Honestly, she just wanted Bauer's advice. It wasn't like she was planning to cheer him on as he tortured people. She didn't exactly approve that. She honestly didn't know how she felt about that. She just knew that in a time of crisis, they needed as much help as they could get. "Larry, I'm not the lawyer in this room. But I know there's a way to work around that detail".
Larry absolutely trusted Renee. If she believed so firmly that Bauer could help with the investigation, it was probably the right way to go. "Fine, I'll get a subpoena first thing in the morning"
"Great, now will you go home and get some sleep?"
"Fine, I'll give you a ride home while I'm at it"
Half an hour later, he parked his car in front of Renee's apartment. While they were saying goodbye he couldn't take it anymore and tried kissing her on the lips but she abruptly backed away. "Larry, don't do this, please"
"You are right, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me" he was feeling now like a total idiot.
"It's not you. You are fine. I have… this's a really bad time. That's all" Renee hated seeing him hurt. Their affair had been a mistake due to alcohol and her desperate need for comfort and safety. However, that had never been fair for him. He was such a great guy. He deserved better than her. He deserved someone who actually loved him. She just loved him platonically as a dear friend.
"No, you are right. I was completely over the line. I'm your boss. It's just wrong. We would be risking our careers and our reputations" he tried desperately to rationalize why he had to stay away from her. It was less painful than to accept the fact that she simply didn't want him that way. Besides, he wanted to at least have Renee in his life as a close friend. That was much better for him than not having her at all.
"We are better off friends. Trust me. Now you are just too exhausted. But when this crisis gets solved, you'll see things clearer. Everything will be better tomorrow."
"Yeah, and again I'm sorry. I'm obviously not thinking clearly" He apologized honestly hating making her so uncomfortable. But he knew his judgment had not been clouded by sleep deprivation. It had been clouded by his deep feelings for her. His heart could not be ruled by any book. Yet, he had to accept his defeat as painful as it was.
If Larry Moss had known that would be his last night on earth, he would have been more honest about his feelings.
YEAR 2018 - March 26th, Monday
2. 00 AM - Chelsea, New York City – Jack's apartment
'You mean torture?' 'The argument is crazy. It's illegal. And it's over. As a matter of fact, I want Bauer out of here'
'Damnit Renee, what the hell are you doing with this guy?'
'You're a monster!'
'You killed my little sister!'
'Renee, I'm really scared of what's happening to you. You put these people through hell and it doesn't bother you'
'Larry would not have wanted this. Don't dishonor his death like this.'
Renee just couldn't sleep. She looked at her surroundings as she turned around to lie onto her back and a single tear rolled from her eye thorough her cheek. Renee could hardly stand being there alone. She kept hearing those voices over and over again in her head. Larry had died on March 26th at 2017, a few minutes before 2 AM. It had been a year. It had been exactly a year of that day. March 26th. That day she became everything Lawrence Moss despised, throwing away everything they had always stood for. She had dishonored his death by seeking justice in the exact opposite way he would have wanted. Not to mention the way she had broken his heart. Surely there was no room in the universe for his disappointment.
Renee couldn't think about anything else other than that day. She didn't want to though. It was too painful. Oh, God… I really need to sleep she thought with a lot of frustration. Jack had been a perfect gentleman, letting her sleep in the guest room to make her feel safe. However, now that she was alone in the dark, Renee actually felt terrified, lonely and cold. And she could hear nothing but those voices that felt like slaps across her face.
'You mean torture?' 'The argument is crazy. It's illegal. And it's over. As a matter of fact, I want Bauer out of here'
'Damnit Renee, what the hell are you doing with this guy?'
'You killed my little sister!'
'Don't dishonor his death like this.'
'You put these people through hell and it doesn't bother you'
'You're a monster!'
Now she suddenly couldn't stop thinking on that fateful day. March 26th. It had all actually started on the day before. On March 25th at 8 AM, when she pulled Jack Bauer out of the senate hearings.
Renee recalled meeting Jack for the very first time. She met a man accused of the most terrible things who was stoically accepting the consequences of his actions. The first time she saw him, he was fearlessly facing a man who wanted his heart on a plate. In reality, he had her right there and then. She admired the results he was capable of, his strength and his guts. However, she knew she wasn't supposed to. She was supposed to feel horrified by the way he worked. It was what was expected from Agent Walker. So, first, she acted very uptight and he was extremely arrogant. But at some point, she became a part of his team. Before she knew it, she was doing things his way. She became his accomplice, risking everything for him. Little by little, her consuming desire for real justice changed completely her idea of fair-play. It had all ended her taking justice on her own hands, ruining forever her career and reputation. It had all ended with Larry being dead, Jack about to be dead and her torturing Alan Wilson.
'Larry would not have wanted this. Don't dishonor his death like this.'
Some of her thoughts were like wild animals she had kept on a cage, without any food, for far too long. As soon as they escaped, they eat her alive.
2. 30 AM
The importance of the day had not escaped Jack either. It had been exactly a year since Bill's death, Tony's betrayal and Renee's downfall. He couldn't fool himself. He still felt guilty as hell for everything that had happened that day. But it was obvious she didn't want to talk about any of that. He had respected her wishes. And he had enjoyed having a pleasant evening with her, instead of thinking of all the painful things that had happened a year ago.
Except now he felt absolutely restless, and all he could thing about was that day and the awful things that had happened. Images of those twenty four hours flashed through his head. Those events had damaged Renee deeply, in addition to all the pain she felt because of that anonymous beast that had hurt her. Before he knew it, Jack was craving badly for another fix. He didn't even try to fight it.
Right after giving himself a shot of morphine, he heard noises coming from the living room. But Renee was supposed to be sleeping in the guest room. He quickly took his gun, got it ready and opened the door of his bedroom. He sighed relieved and lowered his weapon when he saw it was just Renee who had gotten up in the middle of the night, simply getting a glass of water. "Hey, you are up"
She hadn't heard him opening the door of his bedroom. Renee turned around, startled, and dropped like five pills she had in her hand. "Jack"
He stared at the pills on the floor for a moment, with a mixture of concern and disbelief. Then he approached her gently. "Renee, what were you doing?"
"I can't sleep" she stated as she lifted her hands in a resigned 'what-do-you-want-from-me?' manner. Aware of how the situation was looking like, she handed him the bottle so he could read the label. Then, with her eyes clouded with tears she tried fiercely to retrain, she repeated feeling helpless "I can't sleep"
He read the label. Those were indeed soporific drugs to induce sleep. For what he could see, he could gather that they had been bought illegally without a prescription. Not knowing what else to do, he simply extended his arms towards her and whispered softly "Hey, come here"
At first she shook her head and tightened her lips. She couldn't fall apart. She couldn't be weak. She couldn't cry. But her entire body was trembling, and she practically fell into his open arms sobbing softly. Once again she found herself lying in his arms and sobbing like a child. And she hated herself for doing that.
It was ironic how, just a few hours before, they had made out a lot. Frankly, the last time she had spend so much time 'just making out' with a guy had been with his high school sweetheart, a popular hokey player. After a certain age people don't just kiss for that long, they either break it off or move on to the next level, but making out like teens had been delightful. Being with him had distracted her. He had given her a reason to vanish the painful thoughts from her mind. He had given her something to hold on to. Now she just couldn't help to fall apart.
Jack rubbed her back and rocked her in his arms as she cried a river. He had no idea what to tell her.
"It's been a year since…" she finally managed to mutter as some sort of explanation for breaking down like that.
"It's been a year" he echoed with a sad nod, to let her know he remembered. He felt about to cry too. Then, since ignoring the subject had not helped, he suggested "maybe we should talk about it"
"Yes, we should" She replied with a tone that meant 'we should, but we won't'. Then, feeling a bit more composed, she knelt down and began picking up the pills that were still spread over the floor.
"You don't need that" Jack said, kneeling down next to her and gently stopping her.
"I really do" She protested a bit weakly. She just couldn't sleep.
"No, you don't" He stated with a firm tone. He knew where she was heading. It was a place he had already found, and he couldn't let it happen to her. He took all her pills and threw them down the sink.
She just stared at him looking sad. She didn't even try to stop him. She really didn't want to take them. But how was she supposed to fall asleep now? She complained "and now what?"
"We go to bed" the statement just flowed from his mouth naturally. He meant to say that, right at that moment, they just had to let the storm pass and make it through the night. But he realized how she could have interpreted his words. He felt like an idiot. He rushed to explain himself awkwardly "I meant… I didn't mean it in that way"
Despite everything she was feeling her lips curbed in a tiny smile. Normally, she hated so much being treated like a porcelain doll. But at that particular moment she found the way he was so careful around her truly cute and sweet. She nodded assuring him "I know"
3 AM
They were quietly lying in his bed together face to face. But neither one of them could fall asleep. He kept staring at her, still feeling guilty. He ran a hand through her hair. "Look, I'm truly sorry about… everything was my fault…"
"What do you mean?"
"About what Tony did… about Larry… I'm so sorry. No wonder you didn't talk to me for a year… I'm so sorry" If he didn't get that out of his chest it would continue eating him alive.
"Oh, Jack… no… that wasn't why I… it wasn't about that" She stated, with her eyes wet again. She didn't want to explain everything she had felt during the past year. But she hated to think he was feeling as much guilt. There was one thing she could tell him with all certainty. "It wasn't your fault, Jack. You trusted someone you considered a close friend. How could you know what he would do?"
"I should have known better… I mean, given… given my history… But I truly needed to believe him. I wanted to believe him. I made such a terrible mistake choosing who to trust… again. I'm so sorry" He was glad the room was fully dark at that moment. It made it easier for him to speak honestly knowing that she couldn't truly see him, that she couldn't see the pain on his face. It made him feel less naked somehow. He felt like such an idiot for even trusting another human being after everything that had happened to him. He sighed sadly and added feeling embarrassed "You know? I trust very few people… very few… but I have to… I have to trust someone"
"I understand that", she assured him as she got a bit closer, put an arm around him and caressed his back. "And it wasn't your fault that somebody betrayed your trust. I blamed him for playing us like that" Then she rolled over onto her back not wanting Jack to notice her eyes were tearful, and she added painfully "and I blamed Wilson too, I made that clear…" A tear rolled down her cheek. She swallowed the big bitter lump she felt on her throat, took a deep breath and assured Jack a whisper "But I never blamed you for trusting Tony." She felt Jack holding her hand, and that made her feel stronger. Caught up in a moment of openness, she mused out loud with her voice nearly breaking "You know, Jack? When you've seen so much evil… you promise yourself not to trust anybody ever again… but that's impossible. You have to trust at least someone, even if it's only one person. Maybe it starts out of necessity… but then that person gives you hope that there're still good people left in this world, and you need to believe that… you need to actually see goodness in someone… if not… if anybody can be a threat at any time… then, my God, Jack… where the hell are those innocent lives we tried to protect?"
Jack was too overwhelmed with emotion to say a word. Renee truly understood him. She really did. It was amazing and scary at the very same time. He had felt absolutely captivated by her since the day they met. Renee truly had him from the start. And he felt so glad he had unexpectedly found her again at the park. He suddenly wondered what the hell they had been doing for the past year. It made him angry to think they had wasted twelve months. Time was something he knew should never be wasted. He wanted to ask her 'where the hell have you been?', but a lump on his throat was preventing him from speak at all.
Renee didn't need him to say anything or to give any answer whatsoever anyway. It hit her then how much she trusted him and how safe he made her feel. She cuddled in his arms, resting her head on his shoulder and laying an arm around his torso. She felt sheltered.
He simply held her tight, liking to feel her so close to him. He ran his finger through her dark auburn hair and rubbed circles on her back for a long time. It didn't matter anymore where she had been. She was there at that moment. They had found each other again. Meeting her had been unquestionably a blessing for him. She had saved his life and brought him together with his daughter. On the other hand, meeting him had caused her so much damage. But now he could help her get past all that pain and sorrow. His mind was full of contrived thoughts and doubts. Then, only one of them sneaked through his mouth with a soft whisper "this is right… isn't it?"
'This' he didn't even know how to call what they had together. However, whatever it was, he liked it. 'But is it the right thing?' he wondered. Jack waited for her confirmation. Yet, it didn't took him long to notice she had already fallen asleep in his arms. He decided to take that as a 'yes'.
7.30 AM
'You killed my little sister!'
'You put these people through hell and it doesn't bother you'
'You're a monster!'
'Don't dishonor his death like this.'
She woke up abruptly startled. Sweat was running all through her face. She had to sit down and take some deep breaths. Then she got up and headed to the bathroom. There she splashed a lot of cold water on her face. Then Renee headed to the kitchenette. She stared at Jack who was by the kitchenette, whisking eggs and milk on a bowl. It was so astonishing that she was in Jack's apartment and had slept in his arms. It was baffling, indeed. But there she was, in his apartment. One year after they had first met.
When he heard her coming out his bedroom he turned around and smiled warmly at her. She was wearing his pajama pants and his blue sleeping t-shirt, they were far too big for her, but at least they served they purpose. And her hair was loose but messy. Nevertheless, Renee still looked gorgeous. It was amazing how beautiful she looked even when she had only slept about four hours and was wearing clothes that didn't suit her. "Hey, how are you?"
She blinked nervously, hesitating a little, and then she replied "fine… I'm fine". Not wanting to be useless while Jack made breakfast, she poured black and hot coffee in two mugs and handed him one.
"Thanks" he smiled in appreciation as he took his mug. With his free hand, he caressed her cheek.
Renee sat down to drink some coffee. She watched Jack make some French Toasts as he took a zip from his coffee every now and then. She was still amazed of by fact that it was really them in that time and place. It was so amazing how he was trying to make her feel better. He was truly sweet and caring. Not many people got to see that side of him. When they first met, she hadn't seen it either. She recalled how she had judged him harshly accusing him of having no feelings. Well, he had been acting like a robot with no feelings. But then she realized that was not who he truly was. Now she couldn't believe she had ever dared judging him like that. She knew very well that he had made mistakes. But even on his worst days, he was still everything she wished she could be.
Jack noticed she had gotten lost in thoughts. He put the plate with her toasts in front of her and rubbed her shoulders and neck. "So, is there anything you wanna do today? Anywhere you'd like to go?"
"Nothing in particular" she replied with a shrug. Jack sat next to her to eat his breakfast. And he was wearing the t-shirt and the boxers he had slept on. He hadn't even shaved yet. To her he had never looked sexier. Nobody would believe he had a granddaughter and was retired. It was something hard to picture. She wondered what he did all day now. "So, what do you normally do?"
"All the things I never had much time to do… I look after Teri, work out, read, watch movies, and practice shooting, you know… for fun".
"Of course" She gave him a tiny hint of a smirk. She had gone to practice shooting a lot in the past year too. Sometimes, it was the only thing that calmed her down a little.
Jack handed her a random section of the paper. Renee appreciated the chance to focus on something other than her own problem. She read an interview to Henry Taylor, who was attacking his ex wife fiercely with harsh words. Renee glanced at the former first gentleman's picture. Instantly her mind flashed back to Jack harshly lecturing her and Larry. "You've got one of two choices: you can either phone the president and explain to her that your conscience won't allow you to do what is necessary to save him, or you can simply do what is necessary. Pick one!"
Indeed, not a day went by without Renee wondering what would happened if they had actually phoned the President. What would have Allyson Taylor said if she had known that the plan to save her husband included threatening a baby? Would have the President still ordered them to go ahead? Now they would never know.
Jack noticed Renee was totally lost in thoughts again. She did that a lot. "Hey, are you okay?"
She truly wasn't. She shook her head subconsciously as she said vaguely "yeah… I just… I can't stop thinking about that day" Jack simply took her hand and rubbed softly circles with his finger in the back of her hand. She could still see the guilt in his gorgeous greenish eyes. She recalled the messages he had left on her voice mail after her suicide attempt, and how he blamed himself for her nervous meltdown. And how he thought that was why she hadn't talked to him for a year. A bit awkwardly, she told him, with her voice nearly breaking "Listen, Jack… I know there're things I regret, painful things, things I wish had never happened… but, please… don't think, not even for a second, that meeting you is one of them. It never was."
He looked into her light bluish eyes, gorgeous but so sad. He could tell how honest she was being. But he didn't need to tell her how glad it had made him meeting her. However, there was something else he now wanted her to know. Looking directly into her eyes, he admitted "You know? This might sound crazy… but… somewhere in the middle of that day, I was… I was actually longing for the right moment to ask you out"
A single tear rolled down Renee's cheek from her eye. She had felt rarely connected to him instantly that too. But he had been taken away from her in that gurney. It completely broke her heart how atrociously everything had ended. Jack brushed away the tear and softly caressed her cheek. Then she made confession of her own, she whispered "And I was looking forward to saying yes"
That day had unexpectedly brought them together and broken them painfully apart. Now there they were, a year later. Suddenly, Renee couldn't stand thinking it was too late for them. She needed to believe she still had the chance to hold on to him. She needed urgently the safety and comfort of his arms. So, she sat on his lap and kissed him. She got lost in the kiss as she caressed softly his tongue with hers. They melted in a passionate kiss which tasted delightfully like coffee and honey from the French toasts.
Jack savored it for as long as he could. But he had to break it off before his desire clouded his judgment. He used all his will power to break the kiss and keep his hands away from her, which was extremely difficult. He stood up and began to nervously do the dishes as a distraction. But if they stayed more time in the apartment, he would not be able to control himself much longer. They needed to do something to keep their minds away from painful thoughts and their hands away from each other. He suggested casually. "So, what if we go to the park for a run?"
Renee was confused by the suggestion and a bit disappointed that he had stopped their kiss. But she understood him. And she needed desperately to think about anything other than what had happened one year back. Any diversion would do. She nodded. "I would like that. I don't have my working out clothes though" as soon as she said that she realized her statement would raise the question of where she had left all her possessions. That was some explaining she didn't want to do. She didn't want to admit she had brought to New York in a backpack only what truly mattered to her, after abandoning everything else in her apartment like a lunatic. So, before Jack could ask anything, she quickly added "Never mind. I can get them. We'll just meet there"
CENTRAL PARK - 10 AM
Renee showed up with black tights, a matching jacket and her hair up in a neat pony tail. Jack saw her walking towards him and felt happy they were out. It would be much easier to resist temptation that way. Besides, working out cleared his mind and kept him in good shape. He was sure it would do her good too. He challenged her with a smirk. "So, are you ready?"
"I'll follow your lead" She replied thinking to herself 'don't I always?'
They began jogging slowly uptown along the west driveway. They ran side by side increasing their speed. But she was able to keep up with him only for about twenty minutes. Then she had to slow down her pace. After ten more minutes passed, she dropped on the grass exhausted. Back in her old days, she could run over an hour on the treadmill without even sweating and she could hold her breath under water longer than any other agent. She could also swim faster than anyone else she knew. But she had barely done any exercise at all in the past year. And her body was starting to pass the bill.
Jack noticed he had left Renee behind. He realized that she was very out of shape. But he knew her well enough to recognize exactly what she needed to be back on her feet. He ran towards her and offered her his hand as he said teasingly, "okay, I see, this is too much for a girl"
Renee frowned. She was having a good time though. At least it kept her mind distracted. Standing up on her own, she protested, "Nobody has called me a girl since I broke Pete Atman's nose in sixth grade"
Jack was slightly impressed. "You knew how to fight in sixth grade?"
"I was tiny. The other kids teased me. I had to defend myself, my dad taught me to be tough"
Jack had indeed seen a lot of her strength. And he was sensing telling her she couldn't do something was like a printed invitation for her to go and do it. "Really? Show me. I'll race you to the MET. The loser buys the sodas"
"All right, Jack. I never turn down a free drink" Her competitive side was already taking the best of her.
They got ready and went running to the goal at full speed. But this time, Jack wasn't fast enough. She accelerated even more as she approached the building and stopped, realizing she had won. Jack caught up with her and, for the first time, she flashed him a smile that actually reached her eyes. It felt almost like a miracle for both of them. Afterwards, they headed downtown along the east driveway.
Renee was starting to think maybe she wasn't that hopeless when, out of the blue, she got a sharp reminder of how messed up she truly was. A man called out for them from behind apparently to ask them something. Renee couldn't even pay attention to what that person was saying. The Russian accent was unmistakable. It was him. He had found her. It petrified for a second but she turned around ready to face the inevitable. She saw the most horrible person in the world. It felt like she was all alone and defenseless in front of Vladimir. She was dreading what he would do to her. But Jack's voice soon snapped her back to reality.
"Sure, sir. I'll take it" Jack said nicely to the other man.
"Thank you. We wanted a picture of the whole family. It is our first time in New York." explained the Russian tourist with gratitude.
Renee watched stunned how Jack took a couple of pictures of a Russian man, a woman and two adorable little children. Now she felt like the biggest idiot in the entire planet. Feeling extremely mortified, she began to run downtown at full speed.
Jack gave back the camera to the stranger and then began chasing after her stunned.
She could feel tears of anger about to come out from her eyes. What was the matter with her? Just when she was feeling better the slightest reminder of Vladimir had completely thrown her out of balance. Even when he wasn't even around, Vladimir was still haunting her, terrorizing her. If her dad could see her he would be extremely ashamed of her for being so weak. She had become the exact opposite of what he had wanted her to be. And for the life of hers, she couldn't understand why. She had led dangerous field operations as an FBI agent. She had chased terrorists by herself. She had gone after General Juma. She had disarmed a bomb about to explode. Yet, one drunken Russian mobster had totally taken her down, scarring her for life. He had turned her into that monster which had materialized furiously a year before. Yes, she despised Vladimir. But that was nothing compared to how badly she hated herself for having been defeated like that by him. She felt herself about to cry a river. She couldn't let that happen. She couldn't cry. So she kept running at full speed totally blinded by self-loathe.
To his panic, Jack noticed Renee was heading straight to the South Avenue. He rushed in her direction desperately and physically restrained her before she could reach the street. She had been five seconds away of being hit by cab. Jack stared at her with a mix of horror and disbelief. "What was that? What the hell were you trying to do?"
"I don't know" she said sincerely in profound shock. The truth was she had acted without thinking at all.
Jack knew this had to be a tough day for her, and it was for him too. But how could she even think about jumping in front of a car like that? He was terrified and furious. She was more damaged than he had thought. And he only had a few pieces to put together the puzzle she had become. "Renee, you have to tell me what's on your mind"
"You don't want to know, Jack" she replied with a somber expression. She was climbing the walls. She believed she had lost her mind. And that was terrifying her. Did he expect her to admit that?
"Listen to me, you are going to have to start giving me some real answers soon" he said with a clear hint of threat in his voice. He hadn't meant for it to sound like that. It had been his former self emerging for a second out of his frustration for not understanding the whole picture.
"Or what?" she asked outraged. Then she added acidly, "I see, Bauer. So, they can take you away from the CTU, but they can never…" She didn't need to say the rest. It was too obvious.
Jack looked as if she had punched him in the stomach with a baseball bat. Although he knew she hadn't meant it. He could see in Renee someone pretty messed up who was trying to push him away. He knew that maneuver far too well. He was familiar with the concept of building brick walls around yourself so other people can't see the real you. He knew too well that doing that only left you alone in a very small and deeply dark place.
Renee felt those damn tears about to come out from her eyes again. She had purposely and maliciously hit Jack below the belt and she felt like shit about it. So she turned around to leave him alone. But to her surprise, she felt a strong but gentle hand holding her arm preventing her from walking away. She closed her eyes to hold back the salty tears as she heard that very familiar velvety voice whispering in her ear, "It's okay that you are hurt and angry with the word, Renee. It's okay to feel scared"
But for her it really wasn't. She couldn't even face him as she shook her head and reluctantly admitted, "I just don't want to feel this kind of pain".
He thought that was indeed strange. Renee had always been really tough. Yet, she used to be horrified at the idea that someone could see terrible things and feel nothing. 'I just want to know that you feel something. I want to know that you feel the same kind of pain that I do' Jack recalled that moment clearly.
Then he forced her to meet his gaze and spoke firmly to her. "I understand that you are in very bad place. And if you don't want my help, if you don't want me to be there for you, I'll respect that. But if you are just running away so you don't have to face your own feelings, if you think being hurt makes you weak. Then… God, Renee… you are nothing like I thought you were" That said, Jack simply turned around and began walking away from her.
Renee could see his deep disappointment and couldn't take it. She was so tired of running away scared, of looking for a way out. She didn't want to be that kind of woman anymore. She didn't want to run away. Not anymore. Not from him. She didn't want to lose him "Jack, don't go"
It had been barely a whisper, but Jack could hear her clearly. He could her calling after him. He turned around to face her and saw the tears running through her cheeks. He was about to run towards her and kiss all her pain away. But he didn't have to. She ran towards him, threw her arms around his back and held on to him as if her own life depended on it as she cried her eyes out. Strangely, to him it didn't make much of a difference how broken she was. All he knew was that he wanted to fix her. And he had to. He had no other choice. Once she stopped crying, he gently brushed her tears away with his fingers.
She looked at him with amazement. His light greenish eyes were reminding her of all the reasons why she had never been able to resist him. Putting one hand on the back of his head she moved forward to kiss him.
11.15 AM - Chelsea, New York City – Jack's apartment
Not even knowing how they had gotten there, Jack was suddenly struggling to open the door of his apartment and kiss Renee at the very same time. They were both kissing desperately and couldn't keep their hands away from each other. They managed to get in the apartment as they kissed and crossed the doorway but they couldn't break the kiss. Their lips seemed just glued. Once inside, Renee passionately pushed him against the door closing it in the process. She had completely lost her head to her desire.
Jack was almost completely out of control too. But as much he was craving for her, he couldn't shut his mind up. He was still worried about too many things. Her obvious unstable mental state made him nervous. And it still scared that she might leave at any time. He knew for sure that if he lost her, it would hurt him a great deal. When he pulled away to gasp for air, he said the first thing that came to his mind. "Yesterday you said you'd be here when I get detox. Did you mean it? Because I couldn't possibly…"
But she shut him up with another kiss before he could say anything else. She was in no conditions to make any solid promise for the future. But there was one clear certainty in the middle of all the cloudy chaos in her mind. "I need you. And if you need me to stay, I will"
Jack wrapped his arms around her waist again and kissed her. This time, he took control and pressed her against the door as their continued kissing.
Soon her jacket was off and on the floor. She was very conscious of where they were heading. But she wasn't afraid. She was aware that it was Jack touching her, and that was quite all right.
However, Jack was suddenly haunted by his own ghosts. The worst mistake he had had ever made was letting his lust blind him completely. He remembered his mind being absolutely clouded by Nina's toxic beauty and the tequila they had shared. For months, he had foolishly let that woman play him like a piano, posing as his lover and later as his understanding best friend. He had been totally clueless and unable to see the real Nina until it was too late. The fact that somebody had ever been capable of fooling him like that still terrified him to the core.
Renee could feel him hesitating. He looked frightened for some reason. She assumed wrongly that he was only afraid of scaring her with his sexual advances. "Jack… Don't stop. I trust you completely" Then she took over again and led him to the couch, where she kept kissing him.
But Jack's mind was already in terrifying places. He could see Teri's lifeless body as he helplessly rocked her in his arms. He could hear Audrey babbling robotically and desperately 'Help me, Jack. Please don't let them do this to me'. Then he could hear Heller's severe voice 'You're cursed, Jack. Everything you touch, one way or another, ends up dead'. What was he thinking making the same mistake again? He couldn't let anything like that ever happen again. Abruptly, he broke the kiss and moved away from her. "This is wrong. I can't. I can't do this to you"
Renee totally misunderstood what he meant, so she told him reassuringly, "This is what I want"
"Look, Renee… neither one of us is thinking clearly right now. We have to slow down and think about it"
"Think about it?" Renee asked somewhat surprised. Jack wasn't the kind of guy who normally thought carefully about anything before acting. He was normally ruled by his strongest emotions. And truth be told, thinking was the last thing she wanted to do at that moment. She didn't want to think at all. Not today.
"Yeah, this is a very emotional day. We shouldn't rush into anything right now."
"Okay, you are right" Renee said trying to hide her disappointment. She casually went to the refrigerator and took two cans of soda, she threw one to Jack, who caught it with quick reflexes. They drank the sodas, and then she undid her pony tail, and said "Look, I'm all sweaty for running. May I take a shower?"
"Of course you can" He would desperately need to take a shower too. And it'd have to be a cold one. Renee quickly disappeared into the bathroom. Raising his voice so she could hear him from the other room, he told her "seriously, Renee. It's fine. There is no rush. After you take that shower I'll tell you what we'll do"
"Are you going to tell me what to do? Please, don't keep me waiting. Go ahead. I love it when you do that" She shouted out sarcastically from the bathroom.
He rolled his eyes. Now he could hear the water running. But she could still hear him if he yelled loudly enough. So, he went to get a chocolate pudding, as he elaborated his point firmly, "We are going to slow down. And when we are absolutely sure that it's the right thing… that's when it will happen".
He turned around and to his immense shock Renee was standing there with nothing but a towel around her figure. Her dark auburn hair looked dry but still sweaty. There was no hint of nervousness, fear or hesitation in her. She wasn't even blushing. He was trying to take the high road and do the right thing. But she was making it impossible. He put the pudding on the counter and wiped the chocolate of his mouth trying to pretend he wasn't totally drooling over her.
Renee smiled, aware of the effect she was having on him. She got closer to Jack as she whispered "So, Jack, what if you join me in the shower and turn all bossy in there?"
Jack was unable to resist her. He wanted her so badly. He was desperate to rip off that towel and explore each inch of her body. And if that was wrong, he didn't want to be right. If the right thing was not to take her in his arms, melt in her kiss and cave in to her beauty, he much preferred being wrong than right.
He pulled her closer for a kiss and felt his own skin burning. Soon he had nothing on but his boxers. But she kept the towel right on its place as some form of delicious sexual torture. Instead, she began kissing his chest. She noticed he had fixed the scars on his upper body. But there were still small light traces of them though. It reminded her that he was actually Jack, her hero. And she had nothing to fear.
They walked into the bathroom and got fully naked. The hot water of the shower had already made the room somewhat steamy. They stumbled into the bathtub and he pressed her against the ceramic tiles. As he kissed her breasts, she put her hands behind the back of her head, surrounding herself to him. And with all his fears and doubts momentarily forgotten, he decisively took possession of her.
TO BE CONTINUED…..
(Please, tell me what you thought, thanks!)