As it was my birthday a few days ago and I flew home for the occasion, I haven't had time to write too many chapters for any story, but then I got inspiration for this particular chapter. It's multi-POV this time and quite fast paced, beginning to wrap up the entire story. I expect two or three more chapters at the most before this one gets finished.

W00t!

o.O.o

ACME or A Cool Mary adventurE

o.O.o

Meanwhile, after totally kicking Daedra butt in Oblivion, Mary and the Knights of the Thorn returned to Tamriel, having easily located the Sigil Stone and sealed off the gate, no problem. After all, the tasteless décor of the towers they had to trek through meant that there was absolutely no reason to stay there.

She wasn't much into those S&M motives in her current phase. After all, she was just trying to be sweet and pure and overcome all obstacles on the path towards True Wuv.

Nevertheless, there were moments when one just had to stop and admire one's own badassitude. This being one of those moments.

"That was, like, soooooo cool!" Mary whooped when the fire and brimstone behind them vanished into nothingness, punching the air triumphantly, her platinum hair with purple highlights darkening when a cloud of ash whooshed past them, somehow leaving her completely clean.

Life just wasn't fair that way.

However, Farwil, more than skilled in the art of hiding behind others when necessary, managed to easily avoid that by stepping to the side just so that his attendant was the one who ended up with a face full of ash.

"Why thank you, milady!" the Dunmer bowed in an exaggerated manner, his all-too-white teeth providing an unnerving sparkle against his dark skin. "A compliment from a beautiful woman is most valuable to a knight!

"You have to teach me those amazing feints!" Mary insisted, bouncing around. Her colorful clothing had scared off a lot of the Daedra, but… "I mean, those burnt guys totally thought you were a goner and then, POW! Well, I did the ass-kicking and you did the feinting, but it worked well together!

"Indeed! As if we were designed for each other, almost." The maiden was indeed powerful and brave as well… through the powers of the plot and – let's face it – his own inner Leeroy Jenkins, Farwil was actually considering honoring Mary with a date. "You must come and receive a reward from my father, Count Indarys. Also, I believe the bravery and skill you have displayed during our battles is enough for me to name you an honorary member of our order, the Knights of the Thorn!"

Mary gasped prettily. So many secret societies were inviting her into their clubs now… of course, the reason for that was obvious, since she was so perfect, but it was still great!

"Ooooooh, that sounds nifty! Besides, statistically speaking, society names containing "of" or "and" attract many more members than those without them!" she commented wisely. After all, Mary was smart as well as pretty, though she didn't often get a chance to display much more than her street smarts. Needless to say, she was book-smart as well!

Duh!

Farwil was obviously fascinated. Everyone else, less so. "I had no idea! You have to tell me more about all this! Come with us; I will bring you to my father and you can tell me more about the ways of coolness!" Coolness was something that was in eternal motion. Coolness needed to be studied one's whole life. Its ever-changing aspects… you get the idea. "And maybe then we could get dinner or something…

Mary bit her lip prettily. She was supposed to be getting ready for marriage… but she supposed an innocent date wouldn't matter much at this point. "Well, I'm actually on this big quest I can't tell anyone right now, but proper nutrition is very important, kiddies! So what the heck?" she shrugged. "Sure!

o.O.o

As for the residents of the Cheydinhal Sanctuary, they weren't quite yet out of this story.

Thanks to the clever diversion and the assumption that it was cooties that had wiped them out, they were now relatively safe from Mary. They still had to keep watch for her, just in case, but their current task was somewhat more important.

The second letter had detailed that.

"Is that everything?" Ocheeva asked after the pile of books and old parchments was dropped onto the makeshift desk they had in the tavern. Since the current reality was becoming warped due to the presence of a Mary Sue, so there was almost no point in concealing even their allegiances.

"Seems so." Teinaava noted, brushing away sweat from his forehead. He and Gogron – now back to normal and not remembering anything from his infatuation with Mr. Fuzzems – were the ones who had to gather all these things. However, success kept evading them. "There's no map in existence showing where these Seas of Bad Fanfiction are supposed to be. "

"Then how are we going to fulfill these conditions?" Ocheeva despaired, reading through the letter Blanche had brought them a few chapters back once again.

"Watch out!" Telaendril yelped out as the assassins all promptly hid behind the curtains and underneath the table.

Just in time as well – outside, Mary and the Knights of the Thorn were returning into the city with sickeningly triumphant expressions. At least, Mary and Farwil were. The latter, though, was beginning to look somewhat lovesick as well, like any male exposed to the awesomeness of Mary Sue for a longer period of time had to.

It was a terrifying sight.

"Dear Sithis, that's practically grounds for the destruction of the universe." Vicente murmured, actually cringing and hiding behind a map when it appeared that Mary was going to look in their direction.

"This has to be stopped before she remembers…"

"DUCK!" Antoinetta Marie tackled Telaendril just in time. She was quicker than before, after all, refusing to revert into her cheerleader incarnation ever again if she could help it.

As the plotline required it, their evasive maneuvers proved successful this time, though only barely. After all, Mary was just that awesome. The awesomesauce running in her veins made her almost notice them, but all it caused was for a tragically thoughtful expression to surface on her countenance, giving her the appearance of a constipated soap opera heroine.

"What is it, dearest Mary?" Farwil asked, noticing her peril.

Not wanting to alert anyone to her super-heightened-paranoia awareness, Mary put on her usual imitation of an airhead smile so perfect, it actually wasn't an imitation. "Oh, nothing, I just thought I saw some dead people, but this is the wrong fanfiction for that."

In the inn, several assassins (now looked upon a bit strangely by the others despite the disguises they were wearing) sighed visibly and sweatdropped, anime-style. None of them ever thought they'd see the day, but all agreed with Teinaava's hit-the-mark comment.

"Thank goodness for plot-induced stupidity."

o.O.o

The problem with finding the Black Hand was that the only member of it Blanche knew was Lucien. That was putting a bit of a damper on things, but she wasn't about to come back to Lachance empty-handed, partly because admitting one's own mistake wasn't something she liked doing, but mostly because she really didn't want to go search for Mary.

In any case, she assumed that, as she was now one of the major characters of the fanfic, the information would somehow get to her. The plot couldn't progress otherwise.

This was how she accidentally came upon the scene of the final assassination in Bravil. Now, Blanche had no way of knowing who the Listener was, but she had heard that he had some leprechaun blood from one side of his family and the epic battle in which Ungolim managed to hold Mr. Fuzzems at bay with shamrocks and fake gold coins. However, the former was gulped down by the bunny and the latter got evaded.

The really bad Irish pub singing almost managed to paralyze the Silencer, but in the end, when Ungolim thought he had won, the bunny launched a surprise attack in the form of Easter-bunny eggs that hit all the vital points and finally ended the leprechaun's reign of evil.

Upon seeing the destruction the battle had brought upon the town and the two major X-es in the dead Listener's eyes, there was only one thing anyone – Blanche including – could say.

"Damn, that's not good."

She carefully approached the bunny, who was still munching on the shamrocks sprouting around the leprechaun. It was doubtlessly as dangerous as Mary herself, if she had chosen it as her companion, so she had to be vigilant.

Of course, it had to be just then that one of her least favorite members of the Dark Brotherhood popped up practically out of nowhere behind her.

"Cousin, what are you doing here?"

Blanche jumped and smiled nervously. She hated when they did that.

"Arquen, hi!" She observed the carnage, the dead Listener and the bunny that was now carefully testing if the top of her boot was edible as well "Ah, I have no idea what happened there, I was just coming to see if I could find someone from the Black Hand…"

"I'm Black Hand now." Arquen squinted suspiciously. She had always been the odd one getting all the weirdoes. No one Blanche knew liked the Altmer, not least of all because her rather… specific… tastes in food. "Did Lachance send you?"

As she was mostly involved with his branch of the family, there was little chance of getting out of that one.

"Eh… kind of?" she tried.

The Altmer squinted even harder, obviously struggling to appear threatening and yet serious. The effect was thoroughly neutralized by the ridiculousness of it. "You do realize that we're onto him by now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't play dumb; only somewhat as fangirl-beset as him would have a bunny for a Silencer!" Arquen said, pointing at Mr. Fuzzems triumphantly. as if her logic was flawless, really.

"That's rich coming from the entrail-eating psycho elf." Blanche muttered, folding her arms. Unfortunately, that appeared to be proof enough of the conspiracy for Arquen.

"I always knew you two were in cahoots!" she shrieked, pointing forth an accusing finger. "You're obviously another badly written love interest!"

To that, Blanche took great offense (after a minute, once she understood what it meant, as it made no sense at all). "What?"

"Never trust an OC! Especially when there are fluffy animals around!" But by then, Arquen was yelling like a revolutionary hunting witches and drawing quite a lot of attention to herself, Black Hand robes notwithstanding.

She reached for her weapon, which ended up being a very large and barely realistic mallet that appeared in her hands in a cartoonish manner and charged, weapon raised high. Blanche blinked once, twice and knocked her out with a relatively simple spell to the head.

It worked.

She glanced down at Mr. Fuzzems, who didn't seem to be paying them any attention. Gently, she picked the bunny up and turned it towards her. aside from being upset die to the loss of shamrocks to munch on, Mr. Fuzzems made no protest.

"Hey, Fluffy, just what in Oblivion are you doing? Huh?" The bunny was chewing on the latest orders it had picked up, instructing it to go to Anvil for further orders. Blanche read through them, cringing at the flowery purple prose and the trouble they were in now. "Damn. This is… well, this sucks. Where's your mistress?" The bunny didn't answer, which was answer enough. Blanche made her choice. "All right, Mr. Bun, you're coming with me now."

o.O.o

With the mystical powers of Mr. Fuzzems on her side, Blanche managed to find Lucien and Mazoga rather quickly. Apparently, the bunny could warp reality relatively easily when it suited him. Getting from Bravil to somewhere between Bruma and Skingrad was impossible without such powers.

"Lucien! Trouble! Big trouble! Major trouble!"

"Weren't you supposed to be looking for the rest of the Black Hand?" Mazoga simply didn't understand how someone could simply grunt in a relatively dignified and bored manner when a flying My Little Pony shapeshifted back into a bunny that sat down on its rider's shoulder and began chewing on her sleeve.

These people were too weird for her.

"There's no further need for that – they're coming here!" Blanche looked around a bit frantically, hoping that the Great Plot wasn't yet acting against them. She had gone through Arquen's pockets before deserting her and it revealed rather disturbing things.

"What?" Lachance frowned, nudging Shadowmere to stop. "Why?"

"Apparently, there's an actual traitor in the Brotherhood! Your dead drops got switched… half the Black Hand got killed… by that… thing!"

"Say what?" Mazoga actually almost cringed. Now that was a menacing tone if she ever heard one.

"Just what in Oblivion is going on here?!" she asked, but it was too late.

The trees began to shake and a herd of wild animals stomped by. And, after all that, five figures, dressed completely in Black, all carrying cartoonish weapons with the ACME logo on them, charging in a dead sprint towards them, with one word echoing in a terribly cliché chorus.

"BANZAI!!!!!!!!!!"

"That's very reckless of them…" Lachance commented once he managed to get over the very weirdness of the image.

"Why isn't anyone lynching them?!" Blanche decided that this was a very good moment to make a getaway, but couldn't bring herself to move.

"This calls for an equally subtle strategy." The Speaker commented.

"That being?" Mazoga, drawing her weapon, asked.

"Run away!" And, before the Orc could react, Lachance grabbed Blanche by the collar of her robe and pulled her up on the horse – partly because he didn't want her to get killed, but mostly because he assumed that having Mr. Fuzzems with him would ensure his survival – and Shadowmere was galloping away.

The Orc, considering her chances, followed suit.

What followed was a highly comical chase that had to be cut from this fanfic due to lack of time. Suffice to say that the heroes managed to lose the Black Hand through the subtle technique of riding in circles.

Naturally, Mazoga arrived to the hiding spot much later, after Lachance and Blanche had already dismounted, shared information and had something to eat.

"You… you idiots! You…made me… run…" The Anti-Sue panted, trying to catch her breath.

"Well Shadowmere wouldn't have been able to carry three people." Blanche wasn't trying to apologize, just to rationalize the escape. "Besides, the spikes wouldn't be comfortable for either party."

"What… the hell… was that?"

"I'd be more concerned with the fluffball you picked up." Mr. Fuzzems had given up on the robe Blanche was wearing and decided to try his luck with Lachance's. it was thoroughly irritating the Speaker, but he knew better than to try and stop the creature. "Where did you find it?"

"Apparently, this is your new Silencer." Blanche said seriously and showed him the papers she had filched.

"What? Where's the creature?" he couldn't even bring himself to say her name anymore, lest it summon her. "Is this a shapeshifting trick?"

"No, it's her pet. He doesn't know where she went."

"You can talk to animals?" Mazoga deadpanned, finally having recovered from her fatigue.

"No, but he's a major character. Someone has to understand his communication method."

Her companions decided not to comment on that.

"Fine. What do we do now?"

"With the Black Hand chasing us-"

"Chasing you." Mazoga countered. "I didn't sign up for this."

"They saw you with us. They'll consider you the enemy now." It was annoying when someone was being reasonable about unreasonable things.

"As I was saying, we need to deal with this problem before going in search of the creature." Lucien continued, folding his arms. They needed a plan now, if they were ever to deal with these disasters that kept following them.

"Do we have to?"

"Mary Sues never vanish from stories they consider theirs. She would show up sooner or later." Blanche pointed out again, though this time, she had the presence of mind to appear rather upset about it.

"Fine. Anyway, we're going to Anvil to sort out the mess and then search for her."

"I think she'll find us before that happens."

Lachance was quite certain that the ominous thunder in the distance wasn't just for dramatic purposes.

o.O.o

Far away in Cheydinhal Castle, Mary stood up from the dinner table abruptly, feeling the ominous ominousness of doom pass through the air. Something was up, she knew.

"What is it, my dear?" Farwil asked, seeing her sudden statuesque distress.

"My Sue Sense is tingling." Mary announced dramatically. "Mr. Fuzzems is near a plot point, I believe! I must be off!"

"But we didn't go to the amusement park or get cotton candy – you can't have a proper high school date without that!" The Dunmer pouted childishly. He had a point, of course, and Mary could admit as much.

She was a born heartbreaker.

"Oh, don't worry about that." she said, brushing her crimson curls away from her face. "I actually had fun today, even though it meant getting a bit sidetracked from my starring role. But alas, the plot is calling me. I just can't help being the focus of attention."

Farwil nodded fervently. "I completely understand that – it's my predicament as well. I do hope you'll stop by when you're in Cheydinhal next, though." he noted, kissing Mary's pale (but prettily, not deathly or sickly) hand.

"Definitely!" Mary smiled blindingly. "Once the main plot is finished, we totally have to hang out."

And with that, the main plotline was restored.