Damn, I'm sorry I'm drawing this out so much. I really didn't intend for this chapter to come out like this, but I felt that I needed to. I think I might have to change some of some other chapters because of this. You know how sometimes in Solviet Russia the book writes you? That happens to me a lot.
There will only be two more chapters. I'm worried about the smut. I have to make it tasteful yet still fulfilling. It has to be fluff but still descriptive. It can't be too explicit but not too vague. The thing is, I get around describing things by using dialogue to imply things that are happening. With sex, the words get in the way. Neither of them are the type to do dirty talk and I wouldn't have them do that the first time anyway. I need to make use of small details and subtle movements. I'm just not as good at that as Lost timemachine is.
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Sybil snuggled up to Sam on the bed. She told him she had no intention of hanky panky and Sam was fine with that. In her arms, with no expectations, he felt safe to think the things he didn't want to remember. Sybil was the only person who could ease this type of pain.
"What's on your mind?" asked Sybil.
"Nothing," he said.
"Really?"
"You wouldn't like it…" said Sam.
"Even if I don't like it, I still want to hear it."
"It's just hard to say. I don't want you to think that I'm… I'm not like that."
"I promise, I will not judge you if you tell me."
"I… I need to tell you," Sam stammered quietly. Sybil could barely hear. "I'm sorry, I just can't. Please don't be mad…"
Old memories clouded his head. Uncertainty made him afraid that it was all a drunken dream. He pressed his body into her soft skin desperately trying not to lose the ephemeral illusion of a woman who could never exist in his life.
"Sam?"
Sybil's voice brought his mind back to him. The doubt and guilt surfaced again. He was so sure of her love before, but now he held her tightly as if she would melt away at any second.
"I want to tell you more," he said. "I want you to know, but I can't. It hurts too much."
"It's okay," said Sybil. "I'll be here. You don't need to tell me right now, or ever for that matter."
He wanted to be a part of her so she wouldn't disappear. He wanted to be inside her and stay in her love forever. His body wasn't enough. He wished he could sink past her skin and be completely covered by her. He wanted to hide inside her and let her pick apart his soul piece by piece.
He wanted her.
No, I can't! I'll lose myself! I'll lose control. I can feel the pressure pushing out on my chest. I can't let that out. I can't make her feel that pain.
He wanted to believe that she could wash away all the horrible things he had seen in his life. He wanted the fantasy to be real. He wanted these things so much, but he knew he would never deserve them.
Can't I watch myself? A small piece that I put aside, a part of myself to keep the darkness in.
Can I really trust myself?
Sybil moved and hovered over Sam. She touched his cheek gently and pulled him out of his thoughts. Her mysterious skill diffused the worry caused by his internal dialogue.
"You look pretty like that," she said.
He looked up at her confused and a little embarrassed.
"Um… I don't think I've ever been called pretty by anyone who wasn't holding a knife."
"Well there's a first time for everything. I think you're beautiful."
"Men aren't beautiful Sybil, especially not me."
"But you look so nice lying there with that light flush to your cheeks. I like the way your chest raises and falls and how it speeds up when you're excited. I love that soft look in your eyes that you only show to me when I can see your lids half closed. I love how you shrug your shoulders when I try to touch your neck. I feel like I could draw a line through all the little scars on your body and draw a picture."
"Um…"
"Oh hush, I'm winging it here. The point is that you're beautiful and there's nothing you can do about it."
Sam came out of the bathroom in his pajamas. He noticed Sybil sitting on the bed in her nightie staring at the ceiling. She looked nervous.
"Are you okay?" Sam asked.
"I'm just thinking."
Sam got into bed. The pillows were so soft. He looked over at Sybil's back. He wanted to know what she was so worried about, but he was afraid that he already knew the answer.
"Will you show me what I can do?" asked Sybil. "I have to know. Please?"
Sam swallowed hard. Sybil turned around to face him.
"I got to look at you but you ran off. I need to know how I can touch you. I passed some boundary, but I don't even know what it was. Will you let me try again?"
The perpetual weight in Sam's stomach doubled. He had hurt her and now she thought it was her fault. Sam's frown made Sybil's hopes fade. She didn't expect him to stand up.
"Will you turn around?" he asked.
Sam watched her follow his request. It was so strange that a woman like her would be at all respectful towards him. He took a breath and removed his pajamas. He felt cold and exposed, even more so than in the boathouse. There he could escape. There he had her word that she wouldn't touch him, but now he had to. Now he chose to. The fear churned in his chest, as he reached out to tap her shoulder.
When she turned around, he couldn't look her in the eye. He tried, but the highest he got was her chest. Even though her breasts were barely covered by her negligée, he wasn't thinking about them. He wasn't thinking about anything, because he knew that his thoughts would be incomprehensible anyway.
He stood firm and tried to separate himself from his body just as he had done years ago when that woman had broken his sense of self. It hurt but back then he had forced himself not to care that it hurt. His body meant nothing. It was all he could do to cope. Now he called upon that skill out of desperation. He had to hide the things that he would normally use alcohol to block out. He readied himself to let Sybil touch him as she liked.
This is what you want. Sam thought. You want her to touch you. You want to do those dirty things to her. You love her right? Let her have what you've been keeping from her.
Not like this. A small voice in his head whispered in his ear.
You can't keep her waiting anymore. You'll lose her. You can't be selfish.
I don't want this! This isn't right.
You have already taken too much time! This is how it should be. You're her husband. You're a man. You want this so much. Just let it happen.
No! Sybil isn't like that woman! She's not like anyone!
You want her to stay with you. You have to make her happy.
I can't let it happen like this! I have to watch myself!
The Guarding Dark started to cry. The tears silently dripped down the blank face of Samuel Vimes.
You… I… can't. I won't! I want to do this right! I want to know how it should have been.
I trust myself. I just need to listen.
Sam felt the soft touch of an angel on his cheek, those hands that could pull him so gently back into the monotonous realm of reality where time passes and people forget. She brought him back to a bland world of taxes and paperwork, of burnt food and smelly socks, of window washers and pushy salesmen. It was a world where the years separated him from his memories once again. It was the place where Sybil lived.
"Open your eyes, Sam."
Sam threw his arms around her. He didn't care that he was naked or that Sybil was not hugging him back. The only thing that mattered was that she was real.
"Is… is it okay for me… to hug you?" Sybil stuttered.
"Don't ever let go."
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[Why am I crying about something I'm writing myself? This must be how the guy who wrote My Little Dashie felt.]
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Her kindness was surreal. She could have easily taken advantage of him last night. Just a little push and he would have done everything and anything she asked. He had been one step away from losing himself and she stopped him. He had stopped himself. He wanted to give her the love she deserved, not just the passion his body wanted. He needed to trust her and he had to do it quick because he had slept all night beside her naked. She didn't say anything, but that just made him feel worse.
"Sybil?" he said. "I didn't do it right. I was hiding. I… need to do this slowly, piece by piece."
"I can do that," she said with a faint smile. "Piece by piece, until I know."
Sam took off his clothes. Sybil tried hard to take this seriously and not simply smother him as payback for last night's frustrating lack of sleep. She wanted to take him whole but piece by piece would work too. She faced him on the bed and placed a hand on the back of his neck.
"Is it okay for me to touch you here?" Sybil asked.
"I suppose so…" he said.
Her hands were so soft and gentle. A weight settled into Sam's stomach, but he let her continue. He wanted to feel her just a little longer.
"What about here?" Sybil asked. "You let me touch you there before."
"I'm perfectly fine with that, but you should warn me before you touch the scar."
"Here?"
"Um… I'd rather you not. It's okay if you brush over it but don't go spending any attention on it."
"How about here?"
Sam smiled.
"Yes. That's nice."
"Can I do this then?"
Sybil squeezed his butt making Sam smile even wider.
"Yes you can definitely do that," he said.
"How close can I get in the middle? Is this okay?"
"Yes, just don't go any lower than that, but you can get closer on the side if you want. I don't mind that."
"How far can I go without your guidance?"
"Maybe here… Wait, don't move."
Sam shifted her hands and let go.
"There, I'm comfortable with that," he told her.
"Can I move like this? How about this?"
"Those are fine."
"And this?"
"No! Stop it!"
Sybil froze her hands and waited. Sam moved her hands a little to the side.
"You can only do that to here. Nothing closer."
"I understand."
"But you can only do this when I'm here, don't move."
Sybil decided not to question his logic about touching him only when he's there.
"I won't."
"Don't move."
"I'm not."
"Just stay."
He started to tremble. Sybil looked up at Sam's face. His eyes were shut tightly and his shoulders were covering his neck.
"Open your eyes Sam."
"I can't! You're almost touching my asshole! Don't move!"
"Will you help me let go?" Sybil asked.
He was all too eager to do that. He pushed her hand onto the bed and held it there just to make sure she wasn't going to suddenly get any ideas.
"Can I hug you?" Sam asked hesitantly.
Sybil nodded and Sam almost crushed her with the hug. He was crying but not as much as Sybil had expected. Considering what had happened before, she thought he would have made her stop by now, but he hadn't
"Are you okay, Sam?"
"No but I will be. Just don't move. Don't touch anything."
Suddenly, Sybil broke free from his arms and got off the bed. Sam sat up on the edge of the bed confused. He watched Sybil retrieve something from her little desk. She kneeled down in front of him with a pencil and paper and started drawing.
"Hey what are you doing?" shouted Sam as he clapped his legs shut.
"I'm making a diagram," Sybil said flatly.
"You can't just go around drawing pictures of a man's fruit and veg, that's pornography!"
Sybil looked at Sam then at the drawing then at is crotch then at the drawing then back at Sam.
"Stop that!"
Sybil looked down at her drawing and tossed the notebook away. It was a stupid idea to begin with.
"It's just that I've never done a procedure this delicate without proper documentation," she said shamefully.
"I'm not a dragon!"
Sybil nervously looked up at him.
"What am I supposed to do then, grope around until you start crying? I'm not going to do that! I'm not going to put you through unnecessary distress like that when I can just be scientific about it."
Sam saw her frightened expression and looked at her with those beautiful delicate eyes. He moved so he could sit on the very edge of the bed. He leaned down and took the pencil from Sybil's hand. They were both trembling. Sam held her hand and flattened her palm. He spread his legs and hesitantly guided her to touch him.
Sam held her hand much too firmly, but Sybil didn't mind. Sam was finally allowing her to touch him out of his own free will. She tried to keep her hand as still as possible but she was shaking too much. She knew this was important to him, that one small mistake could scare him. She had to do this right the first time.
"Will you help me let go?" she asked.
Sam did. He seemed both relieved and disappointed. Sybil climbed up onto the bed.
"I need you to sit against the headboard so we're on a level plane. I was starting to lose feeling in my arm because I was reaching up."
A miniscule smile graced Sam's lips. He looked at her softly and followed her suggestion. He took Sybil's hand more gently this time and placed it. He held it there firmly, never giving her the option of moving. She wouldn't have anyway. Her heart beat madly nothing else seemed to matter except Sam. He cried but not the same violent sobs as he had before. His shuddering shoulders reflected more than just fear. In his eyes, Sybil could see hope, he wanted this so much that he had turned to faith. Samuel Vimes didn't do that sort of hogwash but right now it was all he could do to keep his eyes open. He had to see her, to know it was her. He had to see her expression, the fear and worry in her eyes. He had to know that this was scary for her too, that she knew why this was so important.
"Thank you," he whispered softly. "This is exactly how it should be."
"I don't want to ruin it. Can I let go?"
Sam allowed her to pull her hand away on her own. He didn't guide it away. He didn't have to.
"Oh, Sam, I'm sorry. Did I do it right? Are you okay?"
Sybil hugged him. Her body lay between his legs but Sam wasn't thinking of that. He was too focused on holding her tightly. He didn't want to let her go, not ever. He tried to comfort her, to tell her she had done well, but he couldn't get the words out. There were much more important words that he needed to say.
"I love you."