Losing Everything

Ashley's chapter go!

Ashley

"Hmm I better get moving," I muse as I push myself off one of the only corners of a building still standing. I've been standing for too long, watching others come and sit next to you but I've only watched...it's always been this way hasn't it Skipper? I've only ever watched you fight every day of your life, kill people to survive and lead your squad out to safety. But I could only watch because I could never see what the others could. I couldn't get past my doubts like they did. I watched you doing the impossible...I watched you die Commander and I still couldn't believe you.

I'm at the rim of the crater the sun is dimming into early evening, splashing us all in pink and orange. I sigh I'm not sure where to sit, is there a place for me here at all? I shake my head, more doubts I guess that's all I've ever been good at, biting the inside of my cheek I slide down and sit near Vega but I turn away not facing the exact spot where the beam was. I...I don't want to see where my doubts have left me or taken you for that matter. The only sounds to accompany my thoughts are the quiet murmurs and whispering sobs from your squad members. We've been here all day and yet no one is moving. We won't move without your orders, I scoff, sorry they won't move without your orders but me? I think we both know I failed you Commander.

Instead of thanking you for saving me on Virmire I chose to doubt your decision and shouted at you to save Alenko. I said things that hurt you I couldn't just take the new extension of live as motivation to see that you achieved your missions successfully. I mean of course I was there on occasions to fight by your side, sniping Cerberus and gunning aliens. I was angry you didn't take me on more missions Skipper but then I have no right to be. I watched you die and all I do is yell at you because I couldn't articulate my feelings. I mean you got spaced! Tell me who the hell survives that? And worst of all you were with Cerberus, Commander back on Horizon I wanted to join you but I let my judgements of everything else get in the way of seeing the only clear thing in my life. Commander Shepard, Alliance Navy, First Human Spectre had come back from the dead and I turn my back on her.

Oh Commander I wish you had shot me in the back after I had given you the biggest 'Fuck you,' known to existence. Instead you did one better you showed me that the Alliance wasn't taking the Collector threat serious and took Cerberus and all that they were worth through the Omega 4 Relay and what was I doing? I was watching, praying you'd come back Commander because I don't think I could've handled you dying with our previous meeting being the only one you'd remember me by. You saved me in ways I didn't think were possible, you saved my life twice and helped me bring back honour to my family name when all I did was doubt you.

I can't even be here to say goodbye to you properly like the rest because all I can think about is how stupid I was. If I had trusted you more like Garrus or believed in you as much as Tali or perhaps loved you as much as Liara...maybe I could've been running by your side until the end. However the last three people I just listed are aliens and maybe if I had been a bit more alien and a little less human things could've been better for us.

Even as the Reapers invaded around us I still kept stabbing you with the same blade, questioning your allegiance like that was the only thing that mattered. Maybe it wasn't about Cerberus...ok no it was always about being a part of Cerberus but I guess if you had stayed with the Alliance I could see you as being like me. A soldier always fighting for the greater good of humanity but no you were better than that Skipper. You didn't believe in the greater good of humanity but the greater good of all, regardless of species. Although I will never understand it because of the Skillian Blitz you of all people should distrust aliens like...like me. Argh even now, even now after fighting a galactic war I'm still spouting the same crap but only now I don't have you here to slap me around and tell me to get over it.

I'm the second human Spectre and judging by the size of this hole Commander, I have a lot to live up to, although I know I'll only be able to fill the spot where I'm sitting. I can't even do simple things like keep the Council safe, I shudder, holding a gun at you Skipper was the most terrifying thing I've ever done. In that instant I wished I was by your side, not looking at you as an enemy. The ferocity behind your eyes is something I will never forget. Actually it was one of the reasons I asked Vega to help drink me under. Your eyes haunt me Commander, all the anger and pain I gave you with my doubts burned in that moment and I realised how wrong I've been. How wrong it was for me to even consider doubting you when you had done more for me than any of the other members of the Normandy and yet they were there when you needed them. And I could only watch you from the shadows where my doubts had left me.

Skipper you deserved better than me, from me and I look around to see Cerberus defectors, aliens, criminals all committed to you and your cause. Their doubts washed away from the charming way you interacted with everyone on a personal basis, from the way you pushed everyone to their limits to get the best from them and from the way you made your intentions clear. Join with you to fight the Reapers or leave and I left Commander. I left you and returned hoping to gain another chance just like I always did, please let me back on the Normandy to be by your side once more. Even then you granted me my wish, to be on the Normandy but not by your side. I had ruined my own chance at that privilege instead you brought me back to watch...

The tears are hot against my cheeks, cleaning the sweat, blood and whatever else is covering my face. Commander I shouldn't have been saved...I didn't want to live the rest of life regretting my doubts, regretting holding a gun at you and I didn't want to watch you die again.

But here I am sitting, wishing for more than I'm worth but I can only pray you will accept my apology for whatever good that is now because Commander?

This crater is where I lost everything.

Yeah in my play throughs I do save Ashley but I didn't like her character very much (sorry to Ashley fans out there!) So this is from an Ashley who didn't get taken out on missions very often but let me know your thoughts regardless. Two chapters left now!