Thanks again to my readers, and the happy few who decided to review. I'd love to know what the rest of you are thinking. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Chapter Ten "A Long Night"

Standing on the sidewalk outside his house for the first time in ten years, Billy reached for his keys. He knew he still had one after all this time. Though, the wasn't sure why.

Olivia stood next to the gate as if waiting for him. The little front yard didn't look any different. There was still a flower box under the front window and volunteer daisies along the fence. The door was still faded red and the house was still faded white. It was like coming back in time, only it wasn't at all because things weren't the same. Billy couldn't stay here. It was only temporary.

Still, he headed up the walkway first and slid his key in the lock. It was still sticky and he had to jiggle the key around for a second. He'd almost forgotten that.

Once the door was open and everyone was inside, a whole new series of memories came back to Billy. The clutter, the dusty books, the piano in the corner that looked so very out of place with only Billy's grandmother's vase sitting on it, full of thirsty-looking daisies. The vase had been a wedding present and it always sat on Olivia's piano which was also a wedding present. It was too big for the living room, but there was nothing to to about that, save buy a bigger house and at least when Billy had lived there, neither of them had wanted to move. It seemed that nothing had changed. Next to the piano sat Billy's guitar, recently dusted. Or played.

In the tiny kitchen there were dishes in the sink and the little table was full of mail and other reading material.

The guest room was the first door and Olivia showed Michael and Casey to it while Billy continued looking around. As she left, Olivia had nodded down the hallway, as if to say she was okay with Billy venturing farther into the memories of their life together.

As he walked down the hall, Billy wasn't sure he wanted to do this, but his feet kept moving. He came to a stop before the white door with the brass knob. His fingertips brushed the wood and the door moved open a little. Olivia never closed it all the way. Billy pushed it the rest of the way and his suspicions that nothing had changed were confirmed. It was as if he'd never left; the same white curtains hung to the floor and the same white bedspread lay a bit crooked across the bed. The closet door was half open and clothes were peeking out. The dresser had drawers open and various items scattered across the top, rendering the mirror basically useless.

Billy sat down on the edge of the bed and let out a long sigh. Everything was as he remembered it, as he had imagined it thousands of times in the last ten years. And now that he sat in the middle of his past life, he allowed himself to remember:

Olivia stood by the window, staring out at nothing. Her long hair which she usually wore up was hanging loosely down her back, curling unevenly. She looked small and frightened even from behind. Her shoulders shook.

"Are you all right?" Billy asked with a worried tone.

He watched her head shake, but she didn't look at him. So he came closer and put his hands on her shoulders.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly.

Finally, Olivia turned around and buried her face in Billy's chest. She no longer tried to hide her sobs as she clung to his vest, as if afraid he might disappear.

"Is it your father?" Billy asked. Olivia's father had been suffering from cancer for some time.

"No," she choked, shaking her head against him.

Billy couldn't understand. He considered that it might be hormones, but Olivia seemed genuinely distraught.

"What happened?" he asked.

After a few more sobs Olivia managed to say, "It's gone. Our..." She couldn't go on, but Billy instantly realized what she meant. He wrapped his arms around her and blinked hard to try to remove the stinging from his eyes. But it was no use. The tears came and fell on Olivia's shoulder.

But Billy held on. He had to for both of them. He had to pray he was strong enough for this, because he didn't feel like it, but Olivia wouldn't make it through alone.

Billy held on. For a while, anyway.

CHAOS

Olivia knocked on the door and Billy looked up.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey," he replied. "You don't have to knock on your own door, you know."

Olivia shrugged. "I thought you might want space."

Billy shook his head. "Not really. I've had enough of that for ten years."

Olivia sat next to him and looked around the room. "Guess I haven't changed much," she said.

"Yes, the decorating is about fifteen years out of date."

"As I recall, you chose most of this."

"Well, there you go."

They shared a sad sort of smile. There were a lot of good memories mixed in with the bad. But the bad ones just made more noise.

"I was thinking of November of '99," Billy said.
Olivia looked at him for a second, not saying anything. "Why?" she asked.

Billy shrugged. "I don't know. It was so long ago, but I can't help feeling it was a part of... everything."

"Of course it was." Olivia stared straight forward. "You know I think about... about it. I wonder sometimes if things had been different..."

"If we would still be together?" Billy knew what she was thinking.

Olivia nodded slowly. "I can't help it," she said.

"It died," Billy said, uncharacteristically blunt. "Nothing anyone could do about that."

"I guess it was just a dream. I mean, you always said—"

"We are nothing without our dreams," Billy finished. "I didn't mean those dreams. But... honestly, I suppose they're the only kind I have anymore."

"The what ifs?"

Billy nodded. "I mean, you're right. If it had survived, we'd have been parents and it would have changed us... But it didn't."

"Were we doomed?" Olivia asked, seeming to want an actual answer.

"I don't know," Billy said. Then he stood up. "We should get some sleep."

Olivia looked like she was about to say something and then thought better of it. She nodded. "Goodnight."

As Billy walked away and closed the door behind him, he couldn't help feeling she had been about to ask him to stay with her. And he didn't know what his answer would have been.

CHAOS

Michael was still up when Billy returned to the living room. He was sitting on the couch facing the bay window at the front of the house.

"You okay?" he asked, not looking at Billy.

"That is not a good descriptive term for how I am right now," Billy said, sitting next to Michael.

Michael turned to look his friend in the eye. "Martinez said you told him what happened with you and Olivia," he said.

"Most of it," Billy agreed.

"What did you leave out?"

"Oh, just the part where Olivia was pregnant for about six weeks."

"What?" Michael was surprised that Billy would just tell him that.

"It was the fall of 1999. A little over a year before... before everything else."

"And the baby died?" There was obvious sympathy in Michael's voice which was new.

Billy nodded. "I like to think it had nothing to do with what happened, but that's just not realistic."

"I'm sorry." Michael sounded like he really was. "I remember when Fay and I wanted to have kids... Glad we didn't now, but I can't imagine..."

"No." Billy shook his head. "No one can."

"Is that why you split up?"

"No. Not as such. I think... maybe it started something I just didn't realize."

"And after that?" Michael asked cautiously.

"After that, I started to become the man you know today. The unflappable, unaffected, country-less waif you discovered nearly seven years ago."

Michael looked at Billy for a second, as if thinking about that statement. "Not totally unflappable," he finally said.