Author's Note: I'm back. After reeling in response to the revelations revealed (say that five times fast) in Breaking Dawn, I've picked my jaw off of the floor and am finally able to write fanfiction again. The usual thanks to Marcy and Robin for their beta work.
This chapter is dedicated to devadasi7, who's hilarious snark in Twilighted's Breaking Dawn Forum entertains me to no end. This chapter would not exist if it were not for both her prodding and her inspiring rants.
I am astounded by the sheer volumes of people who like this story and have reviewed it. Thanks so much for your nice comments! It makes my day when people tell me that I made them laugh or cheered up their day somehow.
Maiden of the Moon suggested that I change the title of this story to something funnier, since she did not feel that "Edward in PE" quite let the potential audience in on how comedic the story itself is. I was flattered enough by her glowing review that I honored her request.
Added: 8:59 PM EST, August 25 I thought that the POV for this chapter would be obvious...since it's titled "Eric Participates in Throwing Sports" and every chapter title so far has been "Whoever's POV This Chapter is from Plays Whatever Sport This Chapter Is About." But, since two people have reviewed already saying that it took them awhile to figure out who was telling the story...I'm adding this comment in: This chapter is told from Eric Yorkie's perspective.
Eric Participates in Throwing Sports
"Hey? What are friends for?" Cordelia Chase said offhandedly, shrugging her shoulders.
"If you ask me, they're for knocking you up and leaving you high and dry," an offscreen voice replied dryly. The staff of Angel Investigations looked up, stunned to see a familiar blonde woman bursting through the front door of the Hyperion Hotel, her hand moving tenderly over her bulging abdomen.
Ben Cheney (who was sitting in the green pleather hospital chair next to me) gasped. I chuckled, more entertained by Ben's reaction than by the actual show. I'd seen the series dozens of times and could quote every script, so nothing surprised me any more. Ben however, who was a newbie to this particular fandom, looked like he'd been run over by a cement truck.
"Let me get this straight. Darla…is pregnant. With Angel's vampire spawn?" Ben's voice cracked on the word spawn.
"She sure is!" I said. Ben's almond-shaped eyes widened and he leaped from his seat to point at the TV.
"What in the blazes of Hellmouth??" The spring to his feet would have been dramatic—graceful even—if it hadn't been for one-pound bag of peanut M&M's sitting in his lap. (The candies had originally been purchased as a get-well-soon present for Lauren, but due to her unconsciousness, they had somehow turned into our breakfast.) The yellow bag slid to the floor, causing a click-click-click-click-click sound as a plethora of multicolored ovals erupted from the bag. They bounced and rolled hyperactively as they hit the floor.
"Good one, Cheney." Mike asked in a grouchy voice from his slumped position in his chair. "Did they teach you that move in Kung Fu class?" He wasn't happy about missing his morning jog with Tyler and Connor to visit Lauren, whom he wasn't a huge fan of. Little Ben scowled as he scrambled to scoop up the stray candies from the hospital floor. Once he'd recovered the majority of them, he poured them back into the bag, mixing them with the clean ones, muttering something that sounded vaguely like "five second rule."
MRSA-flavored candy. Yech. So much for breakfast. It didn't matter though; I'd already consumed at least five handfuls and was feeling as jittery as a Jawa from all the sugar. I glanced up at the clock. It was 7:15 AM. Twenty minutes before we'd have to leave to get to school on time.
We'd been here since 5:30 and Lauren still hadn't woken up, even when we'd shaken her and dumped a glass of water on her head. When we asked the nurse why we couldn't rouse her, she informed us that Lauren had gained consciousness the evening before, but she'd kept pushing the PCA button to administer herself more morphine, which had probably knocked her out again. I turned my attention from my new girlfriend back to Ben, whose response to the retarded-yet-brilliant show had turned from shock to denial.
"This episode must have been made as an April Fools day joke," Ben said in a disbelieving voice. "It's impossible that this is the real story. Impossible! I mean…isn't Darla dead?"
"Nothing's impossible in the Buffyverse," I said with a shrug.
I'd watched so much of the damn show that I'd gotten used to the fact that the story arcs were absurd… In fact, I'd learned to embrace the series' farcical nature. Ben was still on his first time through though…a Buffy virgin, and had much to learn if he was going to become a vampire expert like me. He'd been coming to my house after school every day to watch the boxed DVD sets with me (much to Angela's chagrin) and was utterly hooked. Unfortunately, where we were in the series was three seasons behind where this early morning WB syndicated episode was. As far as Ben knew, Buffy and Angel were still discovering their profound love for each other despite the fact that he was a vampire and she was a human, and to top it all off, they were dealing with the repercussions of her forcing him to drink her blood to save his life. In Ben's mind, Buffy and Angel's love was an unstoppable force of nature. Too bad he's going to dump her for her own good and leave town in the next episode…
"But everyone knows that vampires can't have kids!" he cried indignantly. The dawning realization that they could apparently ripped the fabric of his universe to pieces.
"Shut up, you whippersnapper-feathered-knot-heads!" shrilled Lauren's roommate, from the other side of the thin curtain that separated the two halves of the room. She was a ninety-two year old woman who'd been diagnosed with dementia, incontinence, and a bad attitude, among other thing.
"I'm sorry!" Ben called.
"I know you're sorry, you boggy-bottomed beetle-brain. I didn't ask for a character reference!" she screamed. Ben ducked his head, as I howled with laughter.
"So about that pregnancy," Ben said, in a quieter voice, ignoring the mirthful tears streaming down my cheeks. Mike rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically. It was moments like this, when Ben and I were talking shop about our love for science fiction and fantasy that Mike Newton usually wanted to crawl into a hole and die. He would have gotten up and walked out if it wasn't for the fact that he was our ride to school.
"No one ever said that vamps can't have kids," I explained. "Just because it's never been done before doesn't mean that it's impossible. I mean…look at Angel. Vampires aren't supposed to have souls, and yet, throw in a gypsy curse, and badda-bing, badda-boom, you have a vampire with a soul." Ben was still reeling, trying to wrap his mind around the concept.
"So what's her baby going to be?" he asked in a resigned voice, once he realized that this wasn't a joke. "A vampire with half a soul? What kind of a creature has half a soul? I mean…when it dies, will it half go to heaven?" I had to think about it for a minute.
"Um…" this part of the series had always been confusing for even a Wikipedia Buffy article writer like myself. "I think Connor—that's the baby—is human. Well…a superhuman of sorts. He's strong and agile and heals quickly like a vamp…but he doesn't really need to drink blood. Oh…and he has a soul. I guess would make him kinda like a half-vamp. I'm not sure if he's immortal though…"
Ben scrunched his straight, black eyebrows quizzically at me. "A vampire with no soul gets groiny with the vampire with a soul and they make super-human half-vamp? What kind of sense is that supposed to make?"
I shrugged noncommittally. "Who knows? Pretty far-fetched and wild by my standards, but, hey…whatever Joss Whedon wants to write is fine by me. I think he's a genius. Totally off his rocker…but a genius. I'd be lying if I said I didn't love it. At least it's original." Mike, who was utterly bored—if not needing a psych consult—from listening to our vampire nerd-fest, began amusing himself by tossing peanut M&M's into the air one at a time and catching them in his mouth. One must have gone down the wrong pipe, for he began coughing uncontrollably for a few seconds. Ben paid no notice.
"So this is what we get…is it? Pregnant vampire Darla joins the Scooby Gang? What's next? Are they going to encounter the Loch Ness Monster?"
"Er…Wrong show. The Scooby Gang in on Buffy. This is Angel. We're in L.A. now. Whole different world."
"I can't believe that you guys watch this crap—the show's ghastly." Mike complained, squinting at the label on the peanut M&M bag where it read WARNING! THIS PRODUCT MAY CONTAIN PEANUTS. Bored, he snatched a crossword puzzle book from old-demented-lady's dresser and began to finish off what she hadn't filled in. She must have fallen back to sleep, for she didn't screech at him.
Ben ignored Mike's rude disinterest and pressed on. "This isn't going to be graphic…is it? It better not be like the birth scene we had to watch in sex-ed with Coach Clapp."
"Definitely not." I cleared my throat, ready to explain what little anatomy I knew. "See, because the baby is humanish and she's a vampire, it's not really compatible with her body. Therefore, she won't be able to deliver it… the normal way."
Ben had to think about that for a second. "So what's Angel going to do? Bite her uterus to get it out?"
"Ew! No! Are you crazy?" I stared at him in horror, stunned that he even knew the word uterus. The idea was revolting. "As a screenwriter, even Joss Whedon had his limits when it comes to weirdness. What kind of person would want write…much less watch a daddy vampire doing a C-section with his teeth?" I rolled my eyes. "Be realistic here. If I remember correctly, Darla stakes herself through the heart to save it."
"I'm surrounded by dorks," Mike complained, rubbing his face with his hands. "I wish Tyler and Conner had come."
"Why would they?" Ben asked. "Lauren's dated and dumped each of them more than once within the last year."
"Oh," Mike said, looking startled. Unable to think of anything else to say, he returned his crossword puzzle. I was as surprised by Ben's news as Mike. When did Lauren date Connor and Tyler in the last year? I wondered. So much for the Noble Valiant Boys sharing our victories with one another. The last time I knew that she had a boyfriend, she went to prom with Connor…but that was almost a year ago! They broke up right after prom! I began to have doubts as to my true love's chastity.
"Guys! Look!" Ben said eagerly, turning his mind from vampires for the first time that morning. "I think she's waking up." The three of us rushed to her side. Lauren's eyelids fluttered and she groaned slightly.
"Edward?" she whispered, disoriented.
"Er…no," I said uncomfortably. Why isn't she asking for me? "Edward's not here. It's me! Your boyfriend."
"Oh! Sorry. Hi Conner," she said in a dreamy voice.
"Er…no. That's Angel's superhuman son," I said patiently. She must have overheard our conversation. A confused look crossed her sleepy face.
"Angels don't appear to me," she murmured. "I sleep around too much and have incurred the wrath of God."
"Er…" my face reddened at that statement. Sleep around? Who does she sleep with? She and I hadn't even kissed yet! Could it be wishful thinking? My hopes rose.
It was only yesterday that she asked me to the prom, pretty much sealing our destinies together, making her the beauty that I needed to rescue, in the heroic story of my life as a Noble Valiant Boy. I backpedaled mentally. Okay…so she didn't ask me to prom. But she almost did. Sort of did. And by "sort of did," I meant that Jessica told me, who heard from Mike, who heard from Lauren herself, that Lauren agreed to go to prom with me after Edward suggested that the six of us go together as a group together to cheer Jessica up, since she was all bummed that she wouldn't be able to dance with her sprained ankle. Same thing. It made Lauren my steady girlfriend, which made us madly in love…right? I squinted at her face, which had drool running down the side of it. Funny, without all that makeup she usually wears, she's not really all that pretty. After all those years of fantasizing about falling in love, it was quite anticlimactic now that I actually was in love. So this is love…mm mmm mmm mmmmmmm…so this is love…
"I only make out with Connor behind Jessica's back to get a thrill out of doing something forbidden," Lauren slurred suddenly. "He's pretty sexy, but all testosterone and no brains." Now it was my turn to have my jaw drop. Connor helped her cheat? So much for being noble and valiant!
"Um…I don't think Lauren's a Buffy fan. I think she's talking about the real Connor…Jessica Stanley's boyfriend. I mean…well…he was. I think it's over now…" Ben said awkwardly.
"It is over," Mike confirmed in a strong voice, protective. "Stupid cheating bastard didn't deserve her. She deserves a real man, who will treat her with dignity and respect. Hmmph." I gave him a funny look. Were Mike and Jessica back together? That was fast…must have been a "rebound."
"Who are you?" Lauren asked suddenly, looking up at me with interest. Her eyes were very shiny. "I don't think I know you. You're cute." I scratched my head.
"Do you think she has amnesia?" I asked Ben and Mike. Mike grinned.
"She had a ruptured spleen, not a brain injury, you doofus," he said. His eyes twinkled. "I do believe that she's high though. Some pain medications remove inhibitions. People say all sorts of stuff on them that they regret saying later."
"Nonsense! I feel fine…no regrets. No regrets ever," she murmured, her eyes closing again. She gripped my hand for a second, thoughtfully, before sitting up slightly. "Kiss me, you fool," she blurted out. "My lips are dripping with desire." Her eyes opened, and she looked me right in the eye, though her gaze was a bit unfocused. I blinked twice.
I'd never kissed a girl in my life. Well, I had online once, in World of Warcraft…okay, several times in Advanced Dungeons and Dragons…and once in the Lord of The Rings MMPORPG (but when that happened I was playing a female elven character, so that one really didn't count). But never in real life. A shock of apprehension washed over me, and my palms felt suddenly cold.
Am I ready for this? I wondered. Your first kiss with someone should be a precious gift…a magical, heroic, epic moment. I don't want to waste the first kiss of my eighteen years on someone who's not going to remember her end of it because she's high…
Lauren's hand was tugging my face closer. "Kiss me! Now!" her long, acrylic nails tangled in my greasy hair. At once my resolve failed.
What the heck. It's now or never. Seize the day? Right? I thought back to my treehouse conversation with Tyler and Mike. I need a beauty to pursue and fight for! That's why I'm here this blasted early in the morning!
Taking a deep breath, I leaned down and kissed Lauren lightly on the lips, tenderly stroking her cheek. Drool smeared beneath my fingers.
It was…not what I expected it to be.
Um…okay…why don't I feel anything? No emotion. No love. No tingles. No rush. It's like I'm kissing my sister. Actually…I take that back. I love my sister. This feels like I'm kissing an inanimate object. There's no chemistry here. I must be broken! I thought about it for a second, my lips still pressed to hers.
Wait! Aren't guys supposed to stick their tongues in girl's mouths when they kiss them? I'll try that! Maybe it will help. I turned my mouth to the side and French kissed her. Our tongues touched. Ew. This is actually kinda gross. It's so…slimy. I pulled myself back, underwhelmed and confused by my anticlimactic reaction. Ben and Mike were catcalling.
"Go Eric!" Mike said, punching me in the shoulder.
"Ow!" I yelped.
"Sorry."
Lauren sighed, her eyes rolling back in their sockets. "You don't kiss as good as Connor or Tyler. Or even as good as David Greenman or Robin McKenzie." I stared at her, revolted. The girl is a whore! I thought. She opened her eyes, blinking rapidly. She squeezed my hand tighter. "I made out with each of those guys within a two week time span. None of them knew about any of the others. I kissed them with stolen lipstick too!"
"Wow…that's a little too much information," I said, repelled. She grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards her face once again.
"I'll grace your lips with mine once more, so you have something to remember me by," she whispered in a barely coherent voice, her glassy green eyes looking rather unhealthy.
"Er…no thank you," I said, backing away. She might give me oral herpes! I thought. Or mono! Ew.
"I'm going to die because you rejected me," she said loudly, her eyes bulging. "Don't reject me Eric! Don't!"
"Erm…whatever. I…well…I think I can do better. I don't really want to date you any more," I said, picking up my backpack and turning towards the door. "Let's go boys."
"You're breaking up with me??" Lauren gasped, wild-eyed. She clutched her heart with her hand. "But…Eric! Why? Don't you care for me at all?"
"Were we ever really going out in the first place?" I asked. The truth of the statement hit me. We never really were in love. It was all a lie.
"Oh! Yorkie!" she screamed.
"Shut up!" the lady across the room screamed. However, we barely registered her screams…for at that moment, Lauren's skin began to look very blotchy. Her breathing became labored, and it appeared that she couldn't breathe. The monitors that she was hooked up to began to beep, as her heart rate jumped from fifty-eight beats per minute to ninety-eight.
"What's wrong with her?" I yelled, alarmed. Oh my god! Oh my god! She said that she was going to die from my rejection…and now she's dying!
"I…can't…breathe…" she wheezed, her eyes bugging.
To my surprise, Carlisle Cullen instantly flew into the room, followed by Edward and Alice. That was quick. Carlisle must have been nearby. But what are Edward and Alice doing here? I wondered.
"We got here to tell you as fast as we could," Alice was saying to her father in a low, quick tone, fishing through a tiny, pink, patent leather purse and pulling out what appeared to be an unlabeled syringe with a black cover on its tip. She ignored our presence entirely. "We tried to call you on your cell phone, but you weren't answering it."
"I never can get a signal in here," he muttered. "Stupid building…"
"What are you and Alice doing here?" I asked Edward, confused. "Shouldn't you be on your way to school?"
I may as well have been mute, for Edward didn't even bother to make eye contact with me. Instead, he took the syringe from his sister, flicked off the cap, and plunged it directly into Lauren's outer right thigh, right through her hospital gown.
"Hey! Why'd you do that? What's going on?" I demanded. Carlisle ignored me, whizzing out of the room and returning moments later with a ventilator. He handed a plastic object to Edward.
"I need to set up the machine," he said to his son. "Can you intubate her?" Edward stared at him like he was crazy. His expression was first stunned, then amused.
"Dad? I know we were up really late last night and you must be tired, but this is just bad clinical judgment. Did you skip your morning coffee or something?"
"Edward! This is an emergency!" Carlisle snapped. Edward raised his eyebrows.
"I'm a mere seventeen-year-old kid. How on earth would I know how to insert a breathing tube down a patient's throat?" he glanced meaningfully at Ben, Mike and I.
"Oh…right," Carlisle said apologetically. "I meant…can you…er…get a nurse in here who can help intubate her?" he was plugging the ventilator into the wall, his fingers flying across its buttons. Edward nodded once and flew from the room, returning moments later with a nurse, who began to attempt to shove the tube down Lauren's throat.
"What's going on?" I demanded.
"Anaphylaxis!" Carlisle said in a harried voice.
"In English, please," Mike said, annoyed.
"Severe allergic reaction to something. She can't breathe because her airway is closed."
"It's not going in!" the nurse cried frantically. "Her throat's too swollen. You'll need to get one of the residents to do a tracheostomy!"
"None of the residents are available," Carlisle said through gritted teeth. "Stupid staffing shortage. Edward! Make the incision!"
Why on earth does Carlisle keep asking Edward to do medical procedures?
"Why on earth do you keep asking me to do medical procedures?" Edward asked Carlisle in an innocent voice, repeating my silent question. "I'm just a kid!"
"Er…right. Nurse Kaltenborn! Finish setting up the machine. I need to get a trach tube in…now!"
"What does all that mean?" Mike asked.
"I need to cut a open her trachea below her voice box to insert a tube, so that she can breathe!" Carlisle said quickly.
"I'm…uh…going to leave now," Alice said suddenly. "No sticking around to watch someone's throat get slit. Ew." She's the reason Lauren's here in the first place! Shouldn't she be more worried about her? I gave her a funny look, and she shrugged. "I faint at the sight of blood." Edward smirked
"I think I'm going to leave as well," he said quickly. "Blood grosses me out as well. Can't stand being around the stuff." He waved nonchalantly to Carlisle. "Have fun saving lives Dad! I think you can handle this one on your own. We're off to school…don't want to be late!" Carlisle began muttering things under his breath. I didn't understand a word he was saying, but something must have registered with Edward, for the handsome young man suppressed a smile.
"Come on boys, we've gotta get out of here. They're about to do surgery." He and Alice steered the three of us out of the room and shut the door behind him.
"Don't worry about her though," Alice said brightly. "She's going to be fine. Well…the lack of oxygen to her brain will leave her mildly mentally retarded…but all together, she's coming through the situation just fine."
"May leave her mentally retarded," Edward corrected pointedly. "We don't know the outcome yet…remember?"
"Oh yeah." She nodded vigorously. "She may become mentally retarded. Sorry."
"So what was going on in there?" I asked. Alice and Edward seemed to have a much better grasp of what was going on than I did.
"Lauren's severely allergic to peanuts," Edward explained.
"She is?" Mike asked surprised. "I didn't know that!"
"Neither did I," I said. Weird. She's my girlfriend…or was…did we break up? Anyways, there's so much that she and I didn't know about each other, even if we did start out as friends first.
"Yeah. If she eats anything with even the slightest trace of peanuts in it…even peanut oil, her throat will swell up. The only thing is…how on earth did she get her hands on peanuts? Carlisle said that she hadn't eaten anything since the surgery. It's so weird." I gulped. Oh my god! It was when I kissed her! Some of the peanut M&M's must have been stuck in my teeth and gotten into her mouth!
"How did you know about the allergy?" I asked suspiciously. Edward shrugged.
"It came up in conversation once," he said smoothly. I narrowed my eyes.
"You've never dated her…have you?" How many guys has this girl gone through! Edward made a horrified face.
"Oh God no. Her thoughts give new meaning to the term 'venomous'. Besides, blondes aren't my type."
"So what were you doing here anyways, this early in the morning?"
"Delivering her purse," Alice said easily. "I grabbed it from the locker room yesterday so that I could give her ID and insurance card to the ambulance crew. I accidentally took it home last night though, and wanted to make sure that she had it, so that if her parents called on her cell phone, they'd be able to reach her."
"But…how did you know what was happening? And why were you rushing in like that? And Alice…how did you know the combination to Lauren's gym locker?"
"Um…" Alice faltered.
"Hey look over there!" Edward said suddenly, before I could finish asking questions pointing up at a TV in the corner of the room. "It's that episode of Angel where Darla comes back pregnant!" He laughed out loud. "Man, that story arc was kooky. Who would have expected that a vampire could father a super-human mutant?"
"At least he had the sense to stop having sex with humans," Alice said, pointedly. "That never turned out well for him." Edward glared at her, though I couldn't figure out why.
"You guys watch Buffy?" Ben said, awed. His eyes were shining. Alice grinned at him.
"We love vampire shows," she said. Edward chuckled.
"That we do. That we do," he admitted. Mike moaned as the four of us launched into an animated discussion of the pros and cons of holy water versus wooden stake versus decapitation as we made our ways to our cars.
By the time lunch rolled around it seemed that the whole school knew about my kiss of near-death.
"Eric, is it true that you almost killed Lauren by kissing her?" Jessica asked, bobbing up and down in her seat next to Mike. She had the crazed look of a girl who was dying to start a rumor.
"Er…yeah. Apparently, if someone who has a peanut allergy kisses someone who has eaten peanuts, it can kill them."
"Lauren kissed you?" Jessica asked loudly. The attention of the entire lunch table was on me.
"Well…no. I kissed her. But only after she asked…no…begged me to." Squeals and shrieks erupted from the females at the table.
"Was it everything you thought it would be?" Jessica asked. I cringed, before shaking my head.
"Erm…no, actually. There was no chemistry there. It was actually kinda gross. Plus, she said that I wasn't as good of a kisser as Connor, Tyler, David, or Robin, all of whom she was apparently making out with at the same within a two week time period." Jessica gasped.
"Holy crow…" Jessica's voice trailed off and the entire lunch table went completely silent.
"She was high on morphine," I said quickly. "I'm sure that she was just making it up." My listeners didn't seem convinced.
"When was the last time you kissed Lauren?" Tyler asked Connor suspiciously.
"Er…yesterday," Connor said.
"I kissed her four days ago, at a party," Tyler said, realization dawning on his face. At once, the table burst into a new discussion, trying to figure out who'd been cheating on who with Lauren. I screwed my eyes shut and fell silent, focusing on my sandwich. That's when I overheard Bella and Edward were speaking to one another in low, hushed voices.
"For the last time, Edward! We can't get married! We're only eighteen, for crying out loud!" Bella said indignantly.
"But we're in love! People get married when they're in love and financially secure. Thanks to Alice, we have more money than anyone else in the world, and we're definitely in love, so it only makes sense."
"Everyone will think I'm pregnant!"
"No they won't!"
"Yes they will! Only pregnant girls get married that young."
"Well, you're obviously not pregnant, since vampires can't have kids."
Vampires?? I thought. I wondered what the heck Edward and Bella were talking about. Are they part of some kinda role-playing game?
"Rosalie and Emmett's characters got married in game just last week, and no one ever once asked them if they were pregnant," Edward said quickly. "I just think that it's just your character's fear of commitment that's making her hold out!"
"That's not true! If your character hadn't…wait…what?" Bella said, confused.
"Fine. Forget I asked about marriage. Just focus on upping your experience points and finding the portal to Pylea," Edward said.
"Erm. Uh. What are you talking about?" she said, confused.
I took the bait. I couldn't help it. I whirled to face them.
"Edward! I knew you were a Buffy fan, but I didn't know that you were that much of a Buffy fan!"
"Huh?" Bella said, her wide brown eyes squinting with confusion.
"You two actually play the Buffy RPG!!" I was wild with excitement. I'd wanted to play the game for months, but had been unable to find anyone to play it with…which was the whole point of hooking Ben into watching the show with me.
"We play the…what?" Bella said, acting like she had no idea what we were talking about.
"My love," Edward said, nuzzling his neck with her nose. "You don't have to hide the fact that we're gamers from Eric. I know you think it's nerdy…but it's nothing to be ashamed of."
"Oh," she said, looking from Edward to me and back again. She opened her mouth as if to say something, then promptly shut it.
"What game is it?" I asked Edward eagerly.
"We play online in a text-based MUD," Edward said in his smooth voice. "We play a coven of vampires who have superpowers. My character can read minds and Alice's has visions of the future. Carlisle's character has magical healing powers, and Bella plays the helpless damsel in distress. You get the idea. All the typical Buffyverse vampire weaknesses and strengths apply. There's a group of vampire-slayers who we fight. Emmett makes up all the quests. It's very addictive. My whole family is often awake way after midnight." He said this statement quickly, without a second's hesitation. Bella was giving him a look that said you can't be serious.
"Can I play with you?" I breathed in awe. Edward looked uncomfortable.
"You'll…er…have to ask Emmett," he said quickly. "Emmett's really picky about who he lets into our guild. One bad plotline and the whole game is a loss, you know."
"You don't have to worry…I've been playing RPGs since I was about five. There's probably a thing or two I can teach Emmett!" I said, enthused. The whole Cullen clan is made up of gamer-nerds like me! I couldn't get over the coolness of the fact. "Can I have Emmett's phone number? Or email? I'd love to chat with him about plotlines and ideas for quests…"
"Actually," Alice said, jumping into the conversation, her eyes suddenly twinkling with merriment. "Emmett's going to be here at school today."
"He is??"
"Yeah! See…he's majoring in Teaching—with an emphasis in Phys. Ed.—at Dartmouth. He's also on the Track and Field team there as well. His specialty is the shot put and the discus throw. Anyways, since he's home on Summer Break, he offered to help Coach Clapp teach this part of the curriculum. You can ask him when you see him in gym next hour!" With that statement from her, Edward just about doubled over, breathless with laughter.
"What's so funny?" Bella and I demanded in unison.
"Nothing," Edward said quickly, his golden eyes twinkling.
"Nothing at all," Alice said with a grin.
"I'm going to get going now then!" I said with excitement. "If I get changed now, it will give me some time to talk to Emmett before gym even starts!"
"Go for it!" Edward said in a voice that was somehow smug. "Emmett's in the gym right now. He'd love to talk to you about the RPG." I quickly got up from the table and made my way for the locker rooms.
This is going to be so awesome! I thought to myself.
Ten minutes later, I found Emmett out on the outdoor track, making a huge circle around a baseball plate with chalk powder.
"Hey Emmett!" I said, approaching him excitedly. His massive, six-foot-six-inch frame towered over me and his muscles bulged ominously. I gulped.
"What is it, Yorkie?" he asked in a disinterested voice.
"Edward and Alice told me why you and your family stays up all night, every night."
"They did, now, did they?" he abruptly turned from what he was doing, giving me a curious look.
"Yeah! I think it's cool! I can't believe that your whole family loves online games."
"Jasper and I do put a lot of thought into the games we design," he admitted.
"Anyways…I was wondering if I might join your coven!" At the word coven, he dropped the stack of cones.
"You know our secret?" he gasped, utterly taken aback.
"Yeah! Edward let it slip at lunch and told me to ask you about it." Emmett peered at me with a stony look on his face.
"You know what we are." It wasn't a question…if felt more like he'd been sentenced to death.
"Yeah! You're vampires. I think it's awesome!" Emmett was frozen solid, still as stone. He had an odd expression on his face, as though he was calculating something. "I've been playing online RPGs for years…and before that, I did Dungeons and Dragons with paper and pencil. I could totally help you plan battles and strategize ways to outsmart the vampire slayers." Suddenly Emmett stared at me, puzzled.
"Vampire slayers?" his expression was lightening. He looked less angry.
"You know…in the game!"
"The game…" Emmett looked like he was trying to put two and two together.
"The vampire versus slayer game that you and your family play online every night!"
"The vampy…what…" Emmett's head suddenly shot up and he narrowed his eyes. I looked to see what he was looking at, and saw Edward, Bella, and Alice sitting in the bleachers, watching our interaction with interest. They waved at Emmett. He growled.
"No! You can't join our coven!" he snapped at me. My heart sank.
"But…why? I'd be a good asset to your team!"
"Because…er…well…"
"Yes?" I pried.
"Well…" he paused, as if trying to think of a good excuse. "Because just a few days ago, you had the audacity to ask my wife to prom!" he snapped. I took a step back and stared at Emmett.
"Huh?"
"Rosalie! You asked her to prom! Idiot!" I squinted at him.
"You and Rosalie aren't married," I said. "At least…I'm sure I would have heard about a wedding, if there was one…"
"Er…" he seemed to be thinking very quickly. "We're…er…um…married in the game."
"OH." Now it all made sense. "Well…I'm sorry about that! I didn't know about your online involvement with your adopted sister at the time." Emmett growled again.
"Either way, you're not allowed to join. Now butt out."
"Please? Come on! I've seen every episode of each show at least six times! I've downloaded and memorized all the scripts! I've even started my own website called An Expert's Guide to Slaying Vampires. It has weapons profiles of all sorts of wooden stakes and battle axes for decapitations and everything!" For a moment Emmett looked like he was about to crack up, before he composed his face again and gave me a hard look.
"Our initiation process is very painful. I doubt you have the strength or resolve to survive. And also, we have this Manifesto that we've written of all of our rules that you'd have to memorize. If you break one of them…or even think of breaking one of them, we kick you out. No if, ands or butts. Sorry, but I don't think you have what it takes."
"Give me a try. Please?" I begged. Emmett surpressed a smile, his shoulders shaking a little, before answering me in as surly of a tone as he could muster.
"No. Absolutely not. That's my final answer. You may not join our gaming community!" he turned back to setting up for gym.
This conversation is not over…not over…not over. I told myself silently. I will ask Emmett again, and again, every chance I get today! He will let me play the game. He has to let me play.
Coach Clapp blew his whistle, signaling the start of class.
"Good afternoon!" he announced. "Today, we are starting the throwing section of our track and field curriculum. For the first half hour of class, we will be working on the discus throw. After that is done, we will be doing shot-put. Emmett Cullen, who has kindly volunteered his summer vacation time to help me teach, will be leading the guys in their activities, while I lead the girls in their activities.
"Why are you splitting up the guys and the girls?" Mike asked, holding Jessica's hand protectively.
"The guys throw a three pound nine ounce discus, while the girls throw a two-point-two pound one," he explained. "The guys shot putt ball is twelve pounds, while the girls' is eight-point-eight pounds."
"I can throw a twelve pound shot put no problem," Alice muttered. Edward smiled and jabbed her in the ribs.
"Asthmatic," he taunted. She stuck her tongue out at him.
The two throwing activities were very similar, but they seemed to have different techniques. From the center of the circle, we had to launch the heavy objects away from our bodies as far as they'd go. The goal was to cross the line, and get them out of the circle. Emmett was explaining the dangers of using the overhand method and pitching the shot-putt ball like a baseball. Something about rotator cuff tears that I didn't understand. He also explained the different ways to add spin to the discus or launch forces to the shot-put. All in all, it looked like it was going to be an easy gym class.
No running, no asthma attacks, no one whacking each other with hockey sticks. Most of class today is going to consist of waiting in line for my turn. I can handle that!
When it was my turn to throw the discus, Emmett came up next to me.
"Now Yorkie," he said, placing my hand on the heavy disc. "You're going to want to hold this like this, with your index finger up around the edge." He pointed to the outer edges of the circle.
"See that arc?" I looked up and saw that there was a line where about sixty degrees of the radius of the circle was orange instead of white.
"Yeah."
"When you throw the disc, you need to make sure that it lands somewhere in the orange range. Your goal is to make it as far as you can past the edge of the circle, but within the orange arc."
"Speaking of arcs...story arcs that is…please give me a chance here! I've dreamt for years of finding a group of fans this die hard. I really…really could help you out with developing some storylines for quests…plots…stuff…" Emmett glared at me.
"What part of 'no' don't you understand?" he roared. I cowered back.
"Nothing! Nothing…sorry I asked." Emmett gave me a hard look.
"You are not allowed to pester me with questions about some stupid TV show while we are playing sports. Is that understood?"
"Yes," I said meekly.
"Good. Now, when you throw the disc, you'll want to start facing away from the orange part of the circle. You'll spin one and a half times to gain momentum before releasing the disc.
"But you see…I wrote this really great fanfic this one time about what it'd be like if there were vampires here in Forks! It would be a great story to role-play out! I mean…could you imagine what it would be like to have demon hunters up here? In a rural, mountainous country instead of a city or a suburb?" Emmett was clenching and unclenching his fists, glaring…for some reason…at Edward, who appeared to be enjoying himself.
"There aren't vampires in Forks!" Emmett snapped. "Get your head in the game!"
"That's what I've been trying to do…"
"THIS GAME!" he bellowed, pointing to the disc.
"Oh. Right."
"Kay. Now…you get a total of six throws, and the best of your six is marked. I measure your distance from the line itself to where the disc lands. At the end of the session, I'll compare the distance of your throw to the distance of your classmates. The most important thing to make sure of is that you don't bring your hand back overhead like this," he twisted his hand back, as if he was trying to touch the back of his head. "If you do, the weight of the disc could dislocate your shoulder."
"I think I got it. Turn one and a half times and throw the disc. Great."
The other ten guys in my gym class were sitting on the grass, bored, waiting for their turns to start. Mike, Tyler, and Connor were playing with blades of grass, while Ben looked like he was about to fall asleep.
"You may begin," Emmett said, gesturing.
My first throw didn't go so far. In fact…it landed on my foot.
"Yeow!!" I screamed.
"You're supposed to throw it, not drop it," Emmett said in an impatient voice.
"I'll do better this time…I swear!" I said. Maybe if Emmett sees my skilz with the heavy Frisbee thing, he'll let me join! I whirled twice and released the disc. This time it went about five feet total…past the edge of the perimeter. Unfortunately, it was in precisely the wrong direction. Howls of laughter came from the guys. The pressure of it made it hard to breathe. I puffed on my inhaler and picked up another disc.
"Come on Yorkie! Give it a real whirl!" Emmett said, in his best coaching voice. The disc twisted my wrist at the last second, and I dropped it.
"Gah!" I rubbed my wrist, hoping it wasn't sprained. Emmett sighed.
"Let me demonstrate how this is supposed to be done," he said. He motioned for me to back up to where the other guys were standing. He faced us, gracefully twirled one and a half turns, and launched the discus.
It spun in the air, practically floating from his hand, and landed about thirty feet past the line, dead center down the middle of the sixty-degree arc. The rest of the boys in the class applauded.
"Well done!" called Connor, who had always idolized Emmett. Emmett grinned, pleased with himself, and took a bow.
"Now…a lot of beginners have difficulty mastering the one and a half turn spin, because it makes them dizzy and offsets their throw. If you'd like to try an easier technique, you can jump forward a step to gain your momentum before launching the discus. It's not as powerful, and you won't achieve as much distance, but it's easier to do accurately."
I tried his technique for the four remaining throws. The good news was that I didn't injure myself. The bad news was that not one of the throws crossed the orange line.
After each of the boys finished their throws (Tyler's disc went the farthest), we traded places with the girls and took our places for the shot-put.
It wasn't that much different than the discus throw. The circle was slightly smaller, but the technique was the same: spin or step to gain momentum before launching the ball forward. The only real difference was the handling of the ball. Emmett demonstrated the correct form, which was to hold the ball at your neck before shoving it forward. He warned us, again, that attempting to throw the shot-put like a baseball could easily dislocate your shoulder.
I stood farther back in line, hoping that, perhaps if he had some time to cool down, that Emmett would finally be calm enough to see reason. He has to let me join. He just has to! I'm the ultimate nerd. You can't exclude the ultimate nerd from the ultimately nerdy activity! It's immoral!
When it was finally my turn to do the shot put, I picked up the ball, determined to demonstrate my manliness to Emmett. It didn't go so well. The ball slipped through my fingers as I attempted to launch it and hit my knee.
"Mmmrrrraaaahhh!" I screeched.
"Yorkie! Get a grip on yourself." I sighed and attempted the second shot. Just as I got my hands up overhead, the ball rolled back, hitting me in my face.
"OW! My eye!" I cried.
"For heaven's sake! Let me show you how this is done," Emmett said with a scowl. The other boys cheered as he took his place next to me. He placed his hands over mine on the ball. They were freezing. A shiver ran down my spine.
"Why are your hands so cold?" I asked. He didn't answer.
"All right. Now, Yorkie. I'm going to help guide your hands so that you don't hurt yourself again. Are you ready?"
"Erm…I guess."
"All right. See where my feet are lined up?"
"Yeah."
"Good. Now together. One," he gave the ball a little lift from the shoulder and brought it back down.
"Two," we stepped forward together, gaining momentum.
"Thr—"
"I've written an index of all of the creatures and characters— demons, humans, and creatures from other dimensions— who exist in the Buffyverse. It's yours if you just let me play!"
"ARRRRGGGHHH!!" Emmett's temper flared, and he shoved forward, in perfect sync with my effort. To my surprise, the shot-put sailed high overhead. We looked up and saw it silhouetted against the cloudy sky. Up, up, up it went. It seemed like it would never come down. There was a murmuring from the boys behind me…gasps of disbelief…
THUNK. PLOP.
Silence.
"Coach Clapp!" Bella screamed. The ball had hit Coach Clapp, who'd had his backs to us boys, right smack dab in the rear end, knocking him to the ground.
"Not again," Edward groaned as he sprinted across the field. The rest of the class followed.
"Coach!" Edward said quietly, as he leaned down. "Are you all right? Talk to me!"
"What on earth just happened there?" Coach Clapp said, rolling to his side and rubbing his rear end.
"Eric Yorkie's shot-put went over eighty feet," Emmett said proudly.
"Oh come on!" I said, scoffing. "That wasn't my shot. Emmett was showing me how to do it, and we launched it together. That was both of our strength combined…which was mostly Emmett's strength." Emmett shook his head.
"No Yorkie! I was just guiding the direction of your force. You actually put all the strength behind it. That's some arm you have." The whole class was staring at me with a sense of wonder. A buzz of gossip and whispers of awe went up from the group.
I…I did that?
"You did that Eric!" Edward said confidently. "I was watching closely. Emmett's right. You're a natural at this! A real athlete!"
I…I am?
"You are!" Mike said, nodding vigorously. "I saw it too! I swear! Emmett really didn't have anything to do with it!" Before I knew what was happening, Tyler, Connor, David, Robin, and every other guy in the class was swearing up and down that they saw me launch the shot put with very little help from Emmett. It had to be true.
I'm strong! I'm a natural athlete!
"Not everyone has natural strength and talent like that, Yorkie," Emmett said in a soft voice. "I'd suggest that you spend less time in role-playing-games and more time developing your aptitude for throwing sports." He punched me in the shoulder.
"Ow!"
"Sorry."
"Um…can someone help me up please?" Coach Clapp asked.