Not much of an Author's Note for ya'll! Hope you enjoy!
When Maura awoke the next morning, she tensed slightly when she felt a body pressed against her back but no immediate memory of falling asleep with anyone.
"Don't panic," Jane soothed when she felt the doctor tense. "It's me. I came in around 11:30 last night but you were still half asleep when I told you it was me."
"I thought you wanted to spend a few nights at your place," Maura said as she rolled over onto her other side so she could face Jane.
"I thought I did, too," Jane said. "But then Frankie and I had a talk and I read the most perfect letter anyone has ever written me and I realized I was being a big fucking idiot."
Maura smiled softly and reached a hand to cup Jane's cheek gently, her thumb rubbing up and down gently.
"I mean everything I wrote in that letter," Maura stated. "I fell in love with you for so many reasons and none of them were because of the siege. I know that you're doubting us because of what your therapist said but please don't ever run off or shut me out again."
"Never again," Jane said with a soft smile.
"I understand needing time alone, but please try to explain your feelings to me before leaving because last night was horrible. Not knowing when you would return or if we were over for good," Maura said.
"I'm so sorry I put you through that," Jane apologized.
Maura simply gave Jane a small smile.
"What are you thinking?" Jane asked, noticing the concentrated look on the doctor's face.
"I'm all in, Jane," Maura finally said.
"All in?"
"Yes," Maura confirmed. "I'm all in when it comes to our relationship. I love you and I want nothing more than to be with you fully and without hesitation. This is real and serious and I'm all in. But if you're hesitant, have doubts, or aren't sure if you're all in…" Maura trailed off, hating herself for the tears that filled her eyes and threatened to spill out. "Please tell me now."
"Maura-"
"Tell me now and we can take a break until things have calmed down. Until you've healed fully or attended your mandatory therapy or had time to really think about this," Maura continued nervously.
"I'm-"
"Or tell me now that you don't think a break will work and we should-"
Maura couldn't finish her statement because Jane's lips were pressed gently to hers, a scarred hand coming to thread in the hair at the side of her head. The kiss was sweet and meant not to arouse but to offer comfort. To act as a promise.
"I'm all in," Jane whispered as she rested her forehead against Maura's.
"Say it again," Maura requested, opening her eyes to examine Jane's face as she spoke. "Please."
"I'm all in," Jane repeated, her voice soft but firm.
Maura pressed her body forward, burrowing into Jane's chest as she clung to the taller woman, a few tears slipping from her eyes.
"I'm so sorry," Jane soothed as she wrapped Maura in her arms. "I love you and I'm all in, I promise. And you gotta promise to tell me if it ever seems like I'm not all in because I never want you to doubt me."
"I never want you to doubt us," Maura murmured.
"I never will," Jane stated. "Not again. I'm not gonna let some idiot shrink ruin the best thing that has ever happened to me." When Maura didn't reply, Jane leaned her head down to whisper directly in Maura's ear. "That's you, by the way. You're best thing that's ever happened to me."
Maura laughed, a few quick bursts of air, as she heard Jane whisper in her ear.
"I took a bath last night, which means I can stay in bed another half an hour and still make it to work on time," Maura said as she pressed her lips to Jane's neck. "Could we stay like this until then?"
"Of course," Jane smiled. "If you want me to drive you to work, we could stay in bed even longer."
"I might take you up on that," Maura chuckled.
"I love you so much, Maura Isles," Jane said as she slid a hand under Maura's pajama top to rest on the skin at the small of her back. "We've only been together a week but I swear I'll love you as long as you let me," she admitted.
"I'll always let you love me," Maura murmured, her breath tickling Jane's neck where her face was nuzzled. "But I was so scared that last night was our end," she admitted. "That my life would once again be filled with silence at home and tension at work."
"Like I said, I was a big fucking idiot yesterday," Jane said as she began to run a hand through Maura's hair.
"Yes, you were," Maura smiled. "But you're my big fucking idiot."
"Forever," Jane promised.
The two remained locked in a tight embrace, their closeness working to heal the wounds they each had suffered the previous day, until Maura reluctantly pulled herself away from Jane to get dressed for the day. The doctor couldn't help but smile when she walked down her stairs to see Jane pouring coffee into two travel mugs for them, explaining that she would drop Maura off at work and then run a few personal errands before heading to start her part time desk duty.
The doctor was sitting in her office, working through a report when Susie appeared in her doorway with a large bouquet of flowers.
"Dr. Isles?" she asked. "Officer Jenkins just brought these down for you. Said they were delivered to the front desk and he wanted to make sure you got them."
"Thank you," Maura smiled as she stood up and accepted the vase from Susie with a smile. "Are you heading out to lunch?" she asked.
"If that's okay with you," Susie replied.
"Of course," Maura grinned. "You've been working tirelessly and I really appreciate the hard work."
"Thank you," Susie blushed. "See you after lunch," she said as she left the office, leaving Maura alone with the flowers.
Maura set the vase down on the table in front of her couch and immediately sat down, pulling the envelope that was nestled at the top of the bouquet into her hands. There was a small pouch as well as a card in the envelope and she quickly opened the card.
My Maura,
Ranunculus flowers mean radiant, which is what you are.
Forget Me Not flowers mean forever, which is how long I'll love you.
But there's something more important than flowers in your hands. Reach into the small cloth pouch and pull out what's in it. Go ahead. I'm waiting.
Doing as Jane's card instructed, Maura turned the small drawstring pouch upside down and a poker chip fell into her hand. Furrowing her eyebrows, she picked up the card and continued to read.
When I was in the academy, I had a mentor who was basically the woman who kept me going during the shit times. When Ma tried to tell me to quit, when men were assholes, when people told me I'd never make homicide, she was there. When I graduated, she gave me this poker chip and told me that it was a reminder to me to always go all in. To always give everything I had to get where I wanted to be. When I got my first kit belt, I asked Ma to sew this pouch to it so I could always carry the reminder with me.
Now the poker chip is yours. It's your very own reminder that I'm all in and that I'm going to give everything I have to keep our relationship strong and loving.
I'm all in.
Jane
P.S. Chicken alfredo for dinner?
Maura couldn't stop the tears that filled her eyes as she looked between the card written in Jane's scratchy handwriting and the poker chip in her hand. There were so many things she wanted to say to Jane and yet none could be done via text message. So when she pulled her phone from her lab coat pocket, she sent a text that she hoped would bring Jane to her in person.
Chicken alfredo for dinner sounds lovely.
Within a minute, Jane was knocking on Maura's doorframe with a shy smile on her face.
"Hey," she greeted, watching Maura lean against her desk with the poker chip in her hand.
"Hi," Maura smiled as she met Jane's eyes.
"Did you like-"
"Yes," Maura interrupted, nodded her head for emphasis. "And I would really like it if you shut the door so I can show you how much I like it."
Laughing softly, Jane stepped fully into Maura's office and shut the office door behind her, shutting the blinds next to the door for good measure. When she turned around, Maura was already in front of her and wrapping her arms around Jane's shoulders with their faces only inches apart. Jane's hands automatically came to rest on her hips as they looked at each other.
"So the errand you had to run after dropping me off this morning was really a trip to the florist?" Maura smiled.
"Guilty as charged," Jane replied. "You really like the flowers? I'd never heard of the ranunculus but when I saw what they meant, I knew I had to get them for you."
"They're beautiful," Mayra said. "But the poker chip…" Maura trailed off, rubbing the chip still in her hand. "It's the most meaningful gift I think I've ever been given."
"Well, I'll be sure to let my old academy mentor know that her chip is still being put to good use," Jane smiled.
Maura found herself unable to respond verbally and instead rested her head in the crook of Jane's neck and nuzzled closer to Jane.
"I love you," she murmured as she pressed a gentle kiss to Jane's neck.
"I love you, too," Jane smiled as she pressed a kiss to Maura's head. "I gotta head back upstairs before Frost and Korsak think that we're making out or somethin' like that but you'll let me know when you want me to come pick you up after work?"
"You don't have to drive out here to pick me up," Maura said, making no move to pull away from Jane's embrace. "I can see who is here at the end of the day and-"
"Nope," Jane interrupted with a grin. "I'm gonna come pick you up like the good little girlfriend I am and take you home where I'll make you the best chicken alfredo you've ever had before snuggling on the couch."
"Sounds like a plan," Maura smiled as she tilted her upper body back so she could look at Jane's face. "Thank you," she said before pressing her lips gently to Jane's. She couldn't stop her tongue from reaching out to trace Jane's bottom lip or her arms from tightening their hold of Jane's shoulders.
"Okay, I'm gonna leave now," Jane breathed when she pulled away. "Or else Korsak and Frost are gonna be right that we're down here making out."
As promised, Jane prepared a homemade alfredo for their dinner before tugging on Maura's hand until they fell onto the couch, laughing as they laid down with Jane pressed to the back of the couch and Maura in her arms.
"How about instead of me coming back to work, you just take the next month off and we can snuggle nonstop?" Jane mumbled as she placed kisses wherever she could reach.
"Okay," Maura laughed, placing her own arm over Jane's across her midsection and lacing their fingers together.
"Really?" Jane asked giddily, her head popping up to look down at Maura's face.
"If you genuinely wanted me to take a month off to assist in your healing and snuggle, you know I would pull all the strings possible to do it," Maura admitted.
"You are so perfect," Jane smiled as she laid her head back down and nuzzled against the back of Maura's head.
"Jane, I'm hardly-"
"La la la la la!" Jane interrupted loudly. "I can't hear you trying to deny how perfect you are!"
"You are such a child sometimes," Maura laughed.
"Yup," Jane said unashamedly.
"Well, then would you like to turn on the television to watch cartoons?" Maura teased.
"Don't tempt me," Jane laughed. "But, uh, I was actually wondering if you wanted to keep going with the letters I've been reading you? Or if you wanted to take a break from them, that's cool, too."
"Are you up to reading another letter?" Maura asked gently. "I don't want to push you to read one if you're not feeling absolutely 100% after yesterday and today."
"I'm totally good," Jane reassured the doctor. "The letters are in your desk, right?" she asked.
"Yes," Maura answered. "I'll grab the next one," she offered as she slipped from Jane's embrace and quickly crossed her living room, shuffling through the letters in her desk drawer to find the next one before handing the brunette the envelope and returning to her position snuggled in front of Jane.
"Comfy?" Jane asked as she rested her chin on Maura's shoulder so she could read the letter while still holding Maura close.
"Always am with you," Maura smiled.
Jane chuckled as she opened the envelope, noticing that Maura's eyes slid shut as she prepared to focus solely on Jane as she read the letter.
Hey, Maur.
The BPD shrink called me today so we could set up an appointment to talk about the shooting. She came when I was in the hospital just to touch base or whatever but she called me today to set up an appointment, like, for real at her office so I can get cleared for duty. I know that talking to someone professional after something like the siege is a good idea and that it could really help with all the shit I've been feeling. But I really fucking hate the idea of talking to a shrink. She's with the BPD so she's gonna have access to my records, which means she's gonna try to relate everything back to Hoyt.
Do you put yourself in danger because you have a low self-worth after what Hoyt did to you?
Do you feel like you have to prove yourself worthy after what happened with Hoyt?
Do you think part of you has a death wish because of the humiliation Hoyt caused you?
Like, can you just shut up and stop trying to relate everything back to him? It frustrates me because that man's in jail and I'm in your office to talk about something completely unrelated. So cool it when it comes to bringing everything back to him.
But I think it frustrates me in another way. Like, what if the shrink is right by relating things to Hoyt? What if everything I do and everything I stand for all goes back to him? To the things he did to me and the torment he's caused me. I hate that thought. That after all this time, he's still inside my head and fucking with my mind.
I don't want him to still be inside of me and controlling my actions and it terrifies me to think that's a possibility.
Miss you and hope you're doing okay.
Jane.
Jane finished the letter and tossed it onto the coffee table, pulling Maura tighter against her.
"The list of people that I genuinely hate is very short, but Charles Hoyt is certainly on the list," Maura admitted.
"I feel ya on that," Jane sighed, her hands tingling at the mention of Hoyt. "Could you, uh, maybe rub my hands?" she asked tentatively. "It's dumb but sometimes just thinking about him makes them hurt me."
"That's not dumb at all," Maura soothed as she took one of Jane's hands and began to massage the palm, hoping to infuse as much love into her touch as possible. "The science behind psychosomatic illness or pain is certainly valid," she mused as she continued her gentle ministrations. "Or perhaps your mind doesn't register the pain in your hands until Hoyt enters your mind and you can't ignore it."
"Well, whatever it is that's making my hands hurt, it should stop," Jane said with a soft laugh.
"I'm afraid you'll probably have intermittent pain for the rest of your life," Maura said sadly. "The damage done to nerves as well as the scar tissue that is affected by changes in barometric pressure won't go away any time soon."
"Yeah, I know," Jane sighed. "That's what all the doctors and physical therapists said after it happened."
"But there's a bit of good news I can share with you, if you'd like," Maura said gently.
"Yeah? And what's that?"
"I'll always be here to massage the pain away," Maura smiled before bringing Jane's hand to her lips and placing a kiss at the center of her palm.
Jane let out a shaky breath as she felt Maura's lips brushing the scars she had come to loathe.
"Do you think the psychologist is right?" Jane asked softly. "When they make things come back to what Hoyt did, I mean."
"I'm not sure," Maura admitted as she laced her fingers with Jane's and brought their clasped hands to rest just above her heart. "I think that you once felt the need to prove your worth after what he did, yes, but I don't believe that you have a low self-worth or a death wish."
"Sometimes I have shitty self-worth or whatever," Jane confessed. "And when I was recovering and could only wear sweats because buttons and zippers were too difficult for my fucked up hands, I kinda wanted to just crawl into a hole and die."
"I am so happy that you didn't crawl into a hole and die," Maura said. "And if you'll let me, I'll tell you every day how wonderful you are so your self-worth is never lacking."
"Only if you let me tell you how wonderful you are every day, too" Jane smiled.
"Deal," Maura smiled as she felt Jane give her a squeeze. "The subconscious mind is an incredibly powerful thing that sometimes drives us to do things for reasons we aren't fully aware of," she mused. "Perhaps the psychologist isn't trying to tell you that all things relate to Hoyt but is trying to explore your subconscious with you."
"Well, my subconscious can stay un-explored," Jane huffed.
"You and I both know that refusing to dive deeper into your mind, both conscious and subconscious, isn't exactly the healthiest mindset," Maura pointed out. "It's scary but a very necessary thing to do."
"But haven't you heard?" Jane asked with a smile. "I'm a hero and heroes don't get scared. We're fearless."
"Your sarcasm is noted," Maura replied.
"Sorry," Jane mumbled as she pressed a kiss to the back of Maura's head. "Sarcasm is easier for me to deal with than actual feelings."
"I know," Maura smiled gently. "So how about we go up to the bedroom and see if we can make you feel something other than scary emotions?"
This chapter is sub-par, yeah, I know. But one of the things that bugs me about the show is they never talk about traumatic events—Hoyt, Maura and Rockmond, Frankie and his crazy girlfriend, all that stuff. So I'm creating this world where they actually talk about some stuff.
Love to hear your thoughts and suggestions for the future chapters!