Harper's POV
I have so many mixed emotions right now that I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty for Lonnie getting hurt in the accident, even though he insists that I am no way at fault and blame should be placed on Derek's shoulders. In my mind I know that's true. Our divorce had been final for almost two years, assets and property had been divided, so there was absolutely nothing that bound us together any longer other that Derek's deranged notion that I belonged to no one other than him. My heart, however, is another matter, and I'm not exactly sure why. I think it has to do with the fact that I am so in love with Lonnie Jamison that it hurts. Seeing him laying there, and knowing exactly how bad he is injured, knowing that he is going through all that pain because he was protecting me makes it even worse. I broke his heart all those years ago, yet he still insists that he would go through all that again so that he could keep me safe. Thinking about it all makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do, but I know Lonnie knows something is wrong, and I can tell he wants to ask, but doesn't feel up to grilling me just yet. Thank God, because I'm not exactly sure how I would answer anyhow. For now I'm just going to do my best and keep up the façade that I'm fine, and maybe one of these days I'll start to believe it. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Lonnie loves me. I see it in his eyes when he looks at me and feel it when he puts his arms around me, but right now I feel so unworthy of the love he has for me. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I ever allowed myself the chance to really take in what happened to me. I was so wrapped up in grieving the loss of the opportunity to be a mother that I never really gave myself the opportunity to let it sink in that the man I was married to tried to kill me. Now that I've had the chance, it more than scares me because I spend almost five years of my life in such a dysfunctional relationship, that I'm afraid that I won't know how to make a normal one work. That was my normal, and it scares me to death that I might mess this up and hurt Lonnie again, albeit unintentionally. I'm a mess and I don't know what to do. I know I need to talk to him about my worries and fears, but he needs to get stronger before we have that conversation. I just need to hold myself together until then and try not to fall apart.
I've been released from the hospital, but I can't leave Lonnie by himself, so I got a hotel room across the street from the hospital and spend most of my time with him before the STICU staff kicks me out for the night. Today has been a good one for him. He was actually sitting up in a chair when I came in right before lunch, and he looked so much better. The pained grin on his face told me that he was pretty proud of himself for that monumental feat, but it hurt like hell getting there he would later admit. He should be moved out to a step-down unit tomorrow, hopefully, he'll get the chest tube out, and then come home a few days after that if there are no set-backs that throw us off course. Thankfully mother has let the idea of taking Lonnie back to their house drop. I need to get myself sorted out and talk to Lonnie and I sure as hell don't need my mother, God love her, privy to all that. That is another shit-storm waiting to happen, and I have enough blowing back at me as it is.
Lunch came and went, and afterward Lonnie was getting tired, so I took a walk while the nurses got him situated back in bed. When I returned, I found him propped on several pillows struggling to keep his eyes open.
"I was waiting for you to come back", he sheepishly replied at my questioning look.
"I'm not going to run off. I promise", I reassured him
"Good", he sleepily grinned motioning for me to once again sit beside him on the bed.
I carefully lowered myself down facing him, careful not to jostle his broken arm and ribs and took his good hand in mine while his eyes fluttered closed. I used my free hand to brush an unruly lock of hair off his forehead and he sighed contentedly at the contact.
"Love you", he murmured without opening his eyes.
"I love you too, babe. Now get some rest, okay?" I tell him gently.
"K", he says as he drifts into a peaceful looking sleep. He looks so adorable in his sleep, and years younger without all the stress from his job that makes its way on to that handsome face of his.
I owe it to Lonnie and our relationship to tell him how I'm feeling, and the worries I'm having. I'm also going to start seeing a therapist again to help me sort out all these feelings and concerns. There is nothing I won't do to make sure this relationship survives this rocky start.
Slowly I rearrange myself back into the reclining chair beside his bed and carefully switch hands so that my left is now in his right, lean back in my chair and drift off as well. I awoke to the nurses telling me visiting hours were over. Lonnie was still out, so reluctantly I pressed a kiss to his forehead, promising to return in the morning, and made my way across the street to my hotel room. I was grateful to my dad for upgrading my room to a suite that included a Jacuzzi tub. A good soak in the hottest water I could stand is what I needed as all the bumps and bruises made themselves known more prominently today. Running the water in the tub, I quickly rid myself of my clothing, grabbed a bottled water from the mini-fridge and sank into the steaming water in a boneless heap. The hot water seeping into my sore muscles felt wonderful. I sank further down into the tub, resting my head back as the jets massaged my battered body. I wasn't long before once again I was asleep.
The ringing of my cell phone woke me up from my peaceful nap. Blindly I reached for the offending object I had on the ledge of the tub. Looking at the display, I recognized the hospital's number, and I began to panic, wondering if something had happened to Lonnie. I answered, trying to remain calm until I knew for certain if anything was wrong.
"Hello", I say with a practiced calm.
"Hey babe, I woke up and you were gone", he said with traces of sleepiness still evident in his voice.
"Visiting hours were over. I had to go before they kicked me out." I said wistfully.
"Oh, I guess I forgot about that. I just got worried when I didn't see you. You've been acting like something's wrong. Talk to me Harp. My body might be busted up pretty good, but my ears are just fine", he pleads with me.
"I really don't want to do this over the phone, Lonnie. Let me get want I want to say together, and I promise you we'll talk about it tomorrow after they move you, okay?" I beg him.
"Ok, but whatever it is, we can get through it. I don't want to lose you, Harper."
"I know. I don't want to lose you either. Try to get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning and I promise we'll talk", I reassure him.
"I'll try. Love you, babe", he yawns.
"I love you too, Lonnie", I return and disconnect with him.
I should have known better than to try and hide what I am feeling from him. Only, Lonnie would be seriously injured and yet be worried enough about me to call me out on my unusual behavior. Maybe I am being ridiculous about all this. I'm trying to make myself believe that, and that I do deserve to have that fairytale relationship, but in the next instance, I think that I don't deserve it for letting him go to begin with. There are just so many thoughts that keep running around loose in my mind. Maybe not being able to have my own children is my penance. At any rate, I need to share all these thoughts with him and get this weight off of my shoulders.