Hey guys! So I'm finally updating, after about a month but I've only just finished my exams this week and ever since I've been trying to push myself to get this chapter out as soon as I could. However when I tried to publish it when it was ready, it kept on saying that Document Manager is down. Great! At least its working now ;-)
The chapter song is called Show Me What I'm Looking For by Carolina Liar.
I hope you guys like the chapter. R&R
Enjoy!
Chapter 10
Edward's POV
High school was no longer a purgatory; it was more like heaven and hell combined in one.
I had never truly been eager to go to school in my 108 years as a vampire, but I found that ever since Bella swan had arrived in Forks, this changed. In fact everything had changed ever since she had moved here.
I would spend my days waiting for one more minute with her and yet I hardly knew her. I may know every curve of her face, every flicker of brown in her eyes but there was so much more beneath all that, and that's what I wanted to know.
Every since the night before, I felt an undying desire to be on my guard at all times. Listen at all times. A month ago I would have cherished at the thought of someone taking away my gift, at least temporary if not, but now I fully appreciated it. Every voice or sound around me felt like a vital piece of information that I might miss if I didn't listen closer.
The number of voices that filled my head at once was confusing to understand, much like the first time I had found out about my gift. The students that passed me as I walked down the corridor, either had filled their minds with the latest gossip and affairs, whilst others thought of their lessons and the complexity that is education.
In the distance, I saw Alice's figure descends closer to me with a knowing smile on her face. I immediately tried to focus on her thoughts amid all of the muffled ones that surrounded hers. Her gaze was impossible to read, and that's what made it ten times harder.
"I know what you're trying to do Edward….Its not going to work. " She silently responded as she realised what I was trying to do and proceeded to recite a terrible country song in her mind to irritate me.
Wait, I'm wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for
As she approached closer, I was tempted to pull her aside and demand for the answers which I knew she was keeping from me, but the heavenly scent which past me in a swift movement stopped all thoughts on the previous subject.
My eyes were begging to close involuntarily, to fully appreciate the most enticing scent I had ever come across. It was just as strong as the very first day and even though it got less profound by the second, due to the distance that was created between us, my throat still burned as though it had been drowned in the most hazardous acid, as the monster within me was reawakened once more.
"What the hell is Cullen doing blocking the fricking way?"
"Move out the way idiot! As if the corridors weren't packed enough, this idiot decides to stand in the middle of it."
Reality hit me; I was standing frozen in the middle of the cramped corridor, whilst students struggled to get past me. A gentle hand touched my arm and caused me to immediately turn towards the owner who wore a sorrowful expression on her immaculate face.
"It's okay Edward." Alice thought meekly, causing me to frown in disagreement.
"How is it okay Alice?" I questioned frustratingly, pulling aside the annoying hair that found itself acquainted with my eyes.
"Oh, don't move. It's fine I'll just walk around you, your majesty." Was the thought of another on-goer that I tried to ignore.
"I'm supposed to love her? Protect her? When in reality, the only one she needs rescuing from is probably me?" I whispered harshly, as I pulled her aside, allowing others to get past us with ease.
"But-"
"Now's not the time for this conversation." I said, cutting her off and looking around at the fellow students who suspiciously starred at us as they walked past, their thoughts filled with curiosity. "We can talk at lunch."
"But-"
"Lunch Alice!"
"Fine! We'll do it your way but don't be complaining later. I tried telling you." she replied, irritation filling her silent voice. Curiosity consumed me, but before I even attempted to search further into her mind at what she was talking or rather thinking about, she began reciting an unfamiliar song and meekly walked away; leaving me to think about what she may have meant by those words.
Save me, I'm lost
I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…
****
Sitting at our usual table at lunch, I awaited the rest of my family to join me. Lunch, for obvious reasons did not carry the same purpose for us, as it did for humans but nevertheless it was invaluable. It was a time where I could almost feel normal after having to interact or rather lack of, with the pupils.
I felt relieved when I saw Alice walk into the cafeteria, for now I could her what she had meant before. Yet something about the knowing-smile on her face told me that I shouldn't be. I was attuned to Alice but it was still hard to focus only on her thoughts amongst the dozens that muffled beside it and she was already blocking her mind when I did manage to do so.
Standing in the cue, to purchase her inedible food, my eyes suddenly caught the amount of food that she was piling onto her, not one but two trays.
Something isn't right…..
We had always tried our best to not waste food anymore than it was necessary for us to keep up out charades, so for Alice to be doing it so extensively was unusual. Even the humans were eyeing the amount of food, though she paid no interest to them and walked towards our table without a second glance.
Not even allowing her the time to sit down, I bombarded her with my curiosity; "Alice, why are you carrying two trays of food?"
She only shrugged her shoulders innocently but in her mind she was debating whether she should tell me the truth or wait it out.
"Isn't it bad enough that we are wasting enough food as part of charade?" I questioned, trying to find anything that might leak out from her mind for clues. After living with a brother whom read her mind almost on a daily basis however, she did have some practice into locking away her thoughts from me.
She did answer however; "It won't be wasted, trust me."
Somehow the tone that she used sparked up something in me; as though what she had planned was not something that I would consent to if I knew of her plans. "Alice? What are you doing?"
"Helping. Just like I said I would." She replied convincingly before she checked in her mind whether the plan would run as smoothly as she wished and it was then, that I saw the future series of events unfold: Bella walking to the cafeteria, Bella joining us, Me and Bella sitting alone at the table, Bella leaving……..
I was pulled back from her vision as it came to an end; drowning in my ominous musings as the present took over, or anger more like. "This is not going to help! What if-"
She cut me off however, whipping her head around in frustration; "Would stop with all the what-ifs! Trust me Edward; this is the right thing to do."
She replayed the vision again for my reassurance, yet it didn't feel as though it was enough to convince me. Perhaps I wasn't afraid of what I was to, I was more scared of Bella and the effect that she could have on me. "Bu-"
Alice didn't even allow me to finish the word that time. She already knew; "No buts. And you're going to be fine, before you ask; I've seen it before and at this moment, so have you. Now try and act human because she's coming."
"Because I really need reminding!" I grumbled, sounding more and more like a child who wasn't having their way, when in fact, this should have been what I wanted. Deep down I knew there was a part of me that did, but that part was never meant to surface I vowed.
Recognizing my defeat, the pixie-like devil sat in front of me smiled triumphantly before departing her previous seat to the one beside me, allowing Bella to sit in front of us when she was to join us.
I must have become attuned to her heartbeat, for I immediately sensed her entrance as she tentatively entered the cafeteria. Her heart was similar to a set of drums, highlighting her nerves and the glorious blood that were now running rapidly through her veins.
Even though I had hunted fairly recently, I was overcome by the rush of thirst. The monster within reminded me that such fine crystal shouldn't go to waste, and even as I tried to push the maddening thought away, it was repeated in my mind with greater weight.
Would it ever get any easier?
Disgusted at my hidden cravings, I tried to avert my attention by focusing on other details; like how her dark chocolate locks fell carelessly yet beautifully on her slightly dropped shoulders or how the soft blush on her face complimented her pale skin.
She was so beautiful, so breathtaking, if only such phenomenon as breathing was as necessary for me as it was for humans. I was so captivated by her every move in case she was to disappear and I think that was my biggest fear; whether it was through my own fault or through other's.
Nervous eyes searched through the crowds of the cafeteria before they landed on our table. I could already hear the curious thoughts of on-goers as the angel bowed her head down and slowly made her way towards us.
I admired her valour, for I wouldn't have dared approach the likes of ourselves if I was in her position; the intimidation would have been too great. After all the Cullens weren't known as the most warm and easy going of people.
Her friends, who in my opinion held the title very loosely, were already looking in shock as to why she actually was in the cafeteria and why she wasn't going to sit with them and choosing to sit with us instead. It was not only them who noticed, many eyes turned to follow her and their thoughts made me want to role my eyes:
"Is she seriously going to sit with the Cullens?"
"I'll give it 2 seconds of her sitting down and them leaving."
"That's some brave shit. Even I wouldn't go up to them."
"She's wasting her time if she thinks that she stands a chance with Edward."
Frowning at the thoughts, I looked at Bella who was getting closer to our table by the minute and recognised this as the time to take one last breath as another shouldn't be risked when she was here but even with the distance her sweet scent blended with the plain air.
Save me, I'm lost
I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…
Alice stole a look of my discomfort and gave me a sorrowful smile before her attention was seemingly averted elsewhere.
"Bella!" She greeted cheerfully and I could tell from her thoughts that there wasn't even an ounce of fakery behind her enthusiasm upon seeing Bella; she genuinely cared for her. In Alice's mind I saw them growing to be great friends.
"Hi." The recent addition replied in what sounded to be all the enthusiasm that she could muster, though no match for the ever-so lively Alice.
Looking up at the beauty which stood in front of the table now, hesitating o whether she should sit or nod; I feigned a smile, I allowed her to be at ease, though the look on her face suggested otherwise, despite our attempts. Perhaps having not fully interacted with humans for so long, we had lost our sense of humanism.
"Well sit down." Alice commanded, seeing the uneasiness of her simply standing at the table whilst we were both sat. "I don't know whether you've met my brother but this is Edward and Edward this is Bella."
I almost wanted to laugh out loud at her dismissal of previous events but resorted to a smirk instead. "We've already met Alice, you don't to worry." I stated looking towards my sister with the amused eyes that she too returned.
"Hello Bella." Were the first words that I spoke to Bella that day.
"Hey." She replied before propping her elbows on the table but never looking in my eyes as though she was afraid of them.
"Well….seeing as you two have clearly met, let's eat shall we?" Alice stated, once again amused but this time an underlying sadness was clear but as I tried to read her thoughts to find out why this was, she blocked it and simply said that she'll speak to me about it later if I didn't attempt to search for an answer.
The facial expression of Bella however may have told part of the explanation, her uneasiness towards Alice's statement was obvious.
"Now I didn't know what food you liked best so I get a little of everything, so you have to have some Bella."
"Alice you didn't have to do that." Bella replied, looking uncomfortably at the amount of food that was on each tray.
"Pretend to look away" Alice instructed in her mind and though I was enveloped by curiosity, I obliged.
"Considering how unwell you were this morning, I would have to say that I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't make sure you at least ate something." Alice whispered to Bella, yet knowing fully well that I could hear her as well. "You have to eat Bella."
What was Alice talking about? What had happened this morning?
I heard someone take in a large amount of breath and felt the heat of someone's stare upon my own, whilst I still remained apparently pre-occupied in an interesting event that was happening outside.
"Okay" I heard Bella's voice sinking to a husky whisper before I heard an item being picked up, followed by a crunching sound. Alice may be seen as childish at times but she probably was one of the wisest in the family.
"You can turn around now. Now at least for her sake, try to eat something." Alice spoke silently.
Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for
Eyeing the items on my tray distastefully, I picked up an apple and took a bite. The revolting juice that flowed from it made my stomach twist in knots. I wanted to remove it as soon as I could but when I picked up a tissue, I noticed Bella looking at me and how I was grimacing at the food which to a human probably tasted perfectly mundane.
I chewed on the repulsive food further, forcing myself to keep a natural expression until her gaze shifted to Alice who simply looked away in a daze. My eyes followed the direction in which hers was set and found my brother walking towards us with his own tray of food but as he discovered the human amongst us, his entire expression changed.
Discreetly removing the remains of the apple, I searched Jasper's thoughts for any inclination as to what he was going to do or say but in that moment all of his thoughts remained on how uncomfortable this was going to be for him because after all he was the newest vegetarian of the family. The closer he got however, his thoughts altered to how ridiculous this was going to be and how we were making a mistake by allowing ourselves to get attached to a human.
Upon reaching the table, he slammed his tray of inedible food down and as a result, startled the delicate human which sat across me. My glaring eyes found his, as they attempted to penetrate the deep hatred that I felt towards him in that instant. I swallowed the growl that built up within me and forced myself to look away whilst he scraped the chair across the floor before sitting silently; well at least to others he appeared silent.
"This isn't going to end well you know. I know how you feel about her but-"He mentally spoke with an underlying irritation in tone.
"Don't even finish that sentence Jasper." I whispered in a voice that was inaudible to human ears, yet when I looked up at the beauty which sat before me, I saw that her curious eyes were focused on my lips in a daze. Did she hear what I just said? I had never felt such annoyance towards my useless gift until now.
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
"As if things weren't complicated enough." He mentally groaned before recalling the emotions he felt from the fragile human of the group. "I hope you're happy with yourself."
My eyes shot to the beautiful chocolate ones before me as they transfixed to mine. A beautiful shade of scarlet covered her warm cheeks at the urgency.
Could she possibly feel the same way?
A few moments past, and no word was spoken; leaving an awkward and uncomfortable silence amongst the unlikely group. Sensing the uneasy atmosphere, as it carried more weight on him than anyone else, he decided to leave.
"I can't sit here and pretend to be okay with everything. I'm sorry." Jasper threw me a sorrowful look before leaving and gaining the confusion of Alice and Bella, who were unaware of what had transpired.
"What happened Edward?" She asked silently whilst she stared fixatedly into the distance as a vision of her and Jasper speaking was unfolded. "Actually don't even bother, I'll see to him."
"Ignore Jasper; he's just not feeling well today." Alice spoke, clearly directing it to Bella. "I'm just going to see if he's alright. Oh! And you don't need to worry about going to English afterschool. I already spoke to Mr Collins and he said that as long as we aren't late next lesson, he's letting it go."
Bella's lips opened to reply but she didn't stand a chance against Alice who had already foreseen the question that she was going to ask. She already knew that she couldn't explain it, so she never allowed it to be asked and instead she added: "I'll see you tomorrow Bella!"
"Yeah….I guess I'll see you then." Bella replied in clear disappointment as she her eyes followed Alice until she was out of view, as though she was silently begging for her to return.
Her weary eyes finally shifted nervously onto mine and her cheeks flushed a beautiful pink. I could almost sense the heat that must have built in her perfectly sculpted cheeks by the teasing blood that rushed to capture each part of the delicate skin.
Catching me starring at her; it turned a rich crimson before she looked away. Dark lines creased her skin almost immediately and she pushed the tray of barely eaten food away from herself.
"I think I should go as well." She said quietly and reaching for her bag, whilst she muttered under her breath "I've more or less pushed away everyone from your family."
"No! Stay…..please?" I replied quickly, leaning my face closer than necessary towards hers and staring deeply into her eyes pleadingly. I was desperate. There was so much that I wanted to know about her and yet I knew that I shouldn't. It would only make it harder to detach myself when the correct time came.
It took a moment for her to fully comprehend what I said; she just stared at me in a daze, whilst her heart ran faster than before. I leaned back in my seat, taking the position that I had before, as she settled back in hers obediently but the air remained tense.
"You should eat." I stated almost commandingly. She looked extremely thin and the dark circles under her eyes which were discreetly hidden to the human eye with make-up, proved the fact that she hadn't been eating properly for quite some time.
Looking at the food distastefully she picked up an apple at random, before taking a small bite and despite her previous contemplation, she seemed to relish at the taste for a timid smile flickered on her pink lips afterwards.
I was in awe of her every move. I wished I could understand how such simple food, could bring one pleasure. When she looked up, her face wore a hint of confusion towards me simply watching her eat without touching any of mine.
"Aren't you hungry?" Starving actually…….
"No, I had a big breakfast. The apple was definitely enough." I replied smoothly and felt a slight pull on my lips as they attempted to form a smirk at her innocent question. If only she knew; then perhaps she wouldn't be sat where she was now. Of course she wouldn't; why would she?
"Oh." Curiosity took over her unforgettable face; her brows arched slightly, highlighting her sceptical nature as a slight pout played on her pink lips but she didn't press the matter any further, much to my relief and surprise. Nevertheless, I knew she must be thinking about it and the frustration of not knowing what she was thinking was slowly eating up every last resistance that remained.
"So….How are you liking Forks High?" I questioned, needing to change the subject for her sake and my own.
She smiled and I think it was the first time I had actually witnessed it, or even if I did before, it was nothing like this. "You're going to ask about school?"
Now it was my turn to be confused. "Yes….."
"You don't like to do things the right way round do you?" What?
Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Just save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I can't do better than this
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
I'm sure the confusion must have been evident on my face for she elaborated her point. "I've been at this school for…… 2 months now and it's taken you that long to ask those types of questions?"
I still couldn't understand what she meant by it. Yes, that question should probably fit in a better context if asked previously but……
"Do you remember the first day that I joined this school?" How could I not?
"Yes…...what about it?" I replied, trying to sound nonchalant but failing miserably.
"Do you remember what you said to me, right after you dropped me off at my house?" she asked enquiringly, looking into my eyes with her dark chocolate eyes. Of course I remembered. I did what needed to be done at the time and if I could, I would still stick to my word. Yet I remained silent, nodding my head in response and awaiting her elaboration on the subject.
"So what's changed since then? Why are you sitting with me right now or even talking to me for that matter?" Because I think I'm falling in love with you. Is that a good start?
"Let's just say the factors which stood before us are no longer there." My voice spoke with certainty, yet I knew that it was a lie. The factors were even greater than before and in many ways Jasper was right; I should stay away from Bella because surely if I was in love with her, then the best thing I could do was to remain as far away as I could. But it was too late now, not when I've already mindlessly got myself involved and not when those animals are engrossed with her.
"What factors?" she suddenly asked, as though the question had just immediately come to mind and for a second I swore she knew or at least was very close to guessing exactly what those factors were.
"Nothing that matters anymore." I replied, but her eyes were still sceptical and intrigued. "I made a mistake Bella, in refusing your friendship before. I shouldn't have done that. Can we just start again? For what is probably the third time?" I added with a genuine smile.
Her eyes softened at my last words and a small smile played on her lips before she spoke. "We can start again; fresh, clean start." She stated simply before hesitantly adding, "As long as you give me some answers."
Why can't life ever be easy?
"Answers to what?" I questioned curiously, though I had a good idea as to what she was going to ask.
"Like why you lied to me last week." Was her answer; squinting her eyes slightly, as though she was glaring into to the sun whilst she looked into my own eyes.
"I'm confused as to what you are referring to." Liar…..
"When you were dropping me off at my house after the whole-"She paused, looking away as her small hands fidgeted nervously on the table before she continued. "Thing that happened at school. I was a second away from slipping to the ground but with one blink you were right next to me. How did you get to me so fast?"
"I already told you Bella, I simply saw that you were going to slip and just slid across the ground to get to you faster."
Wait, I'm wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for
"You're lying." She simply stated as she looked deep into my eyes; seeing the blasphemy behind each word. "And if that is the truth, then how do you explain escaping a car accident without a single scratch or bruise?"
"Well…there are many variables, speed, car size, make, model, safety features-"
"I didn't ask for the laws of physics or about how great your car is. I asked why it didn't happen to you, not a theory that is based on a model."
"I don't know. Maybe I was an exception to the rule. Maybe I was extremely lucky. Is it really that important?"
"I guess not." She paused, deep in the thoughts that I so desperately wanted to hear, "Not to you anyway, but to me, it is. And if you can't even answer a simple question like that, then I don't see how this is going to work."
Her shoulders sunk and she looked defeated; giving up. She was slipping away. This wasn't how it was supposed to be and I briefly acknowledged the fact that the bell, signifying the end of lunch hour, had been rung. I hadn't even begun ask her anything, nothing of high importance anyway and yet I felt that she got more out of this small conversation that I had.
"How can I give you answers to something I don't even know myself?" I quickly retaliated even though I understood everything perfectly.
She examined my eyes again, looking for any signs of truth.
"I think you already know….." She quietly answered, more to herself than me, before slipping her rucksack on her frail shoulders and retreating from the chair. "I'll see you in Biology."
It was only when I started to look at the empty cafeteria that I realised everyone else had attended their lessons and I rushed towards my own. Giving the teacher my most apologetic look and excuse I got through the lesson without another word being spoken on the matter. My mind was elsewhere, much like it had been this morning; I had to ask Bella one way or another. There wasn't ever going to be a right time and time was valuable in this case.
Taking needless notes during the lesson, my teacher finally decided to call it a day when the bell was just about to go. Once again the first to leave the room, I made my way towards the family car and looked around the car park for Bella's car.
This was it. I had to ask. Feeling the air bring her sweet scent along, I knew this was my opportunity.
"Bella." I somewhat spoke loudly to grab her attention. Her heartbeat raced as she turned around. Perhaps subconsciously she knew that talking to me would not be in her best interest. "Can I just ask you a question and just for this one occasion could please not require a reason as to why I'm asking you this?"
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for…
Uncertainty was evident in her voice when she replied: "Sure. Go ahead."
I took a deep breath unconsciously before I asked my question, whilst my inner demon rejoiced to Bella's scent inflaming me. "Do you know anyone that lives on the La Push reservation?"
Her face saddened immediately as though I had opened up an old wound and water gathered around her eyes, simply waiting on the edges for release.
"I thought I once did, but a lot has changed since then." She replied with her eyes sparkling at the memories that I so deeply wanted to know and she briefly smiled. But it didn't reach her eyes. Not the way it did before. Whatever had happened since had obviously caused her a pain that she didn't want to admit to.
Seeing the answer as enough, she once again turned around before stepping into her car. But I remained in the same position; trying to somehow find an answer through this mess. Because whoever this person was, it was someone she probably knew.
Yet the question that remained was whether she knew. Whether she knew what this old acquaintance had turned into……
Bella's POV
To say that today was weird would be an understatement. The word just didn't measure up, and yet it seemed the only way to describe it; from the awkward introductions at lunch, to Edward's last question.
The fact that he knew, I once had a connection to someone in La Push intrigued me. I hadn't spoken of it to anyone and he couldn't have known- unless he knew them before me. Did he know them? Did he know about-
A knock broke the silence of the empty house, as the sound echoed in the living room in which I was sat. Checking the time on the old mantel clock I saw that it was past 9 and confusion released as to who it may be. It knocked again, twice, much harsher than before, causing my pulse to race.
I was almost scared to check, even with the door separating me and this intruder but curiosity was slowly overtaking that fear as I stood up and made my way to the door. It was times like this that I hated living in an old house; the door had no peepholes and I had to open the fully.
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for
The knocking returned, startling me in the process, as this time I was right behind the door. Panicking, I looked around the room for anything that might potentially be used for defence.
You're overreacting!
In the corner of the room, a baseball bat suddenly came into my view and I ran to retrieve it before returning to my previous position. Taking a deep breath, anticipation raced through my veins blending with the fear that lurked. I slowly opened the door.
The door creaked open, the same it did in horror movies as the person slowly came into view. The light from the house highlighted his russet brown skin, whilst the gigantic shadow that formed behind him mirrored his size.
The bat slipped from my hands, clashing onto the floor.
"Jake"
Show me what I'm looking for…oh lord
Finally! I've been waiting to get him out of the shadows for a while now. Lol. So what did you guys think? If you can leave a review, it'll be greatly appreciated.
Big shout out to my reviewers: FRK921, TRDancer, ange87, Rae2404, Major Grai, Hallie, Link's Ocarina Babe, razmataz13drums and everyone else.
Thank you…