Chapter 10: I don't need him; I love her

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The second Meredith had locked the door behind her, she turned to Cristina and said, "Spill".

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Looking at Izzie's curious face and Meredith's questioning one she smirked slightly to herself and said, "Well, before I start, I need the bottle of tequila you promised Meredith."

Meredith scowled at Cristina. "You really can't make the situation anymore suspenseful can you Cristina?" she snapped.

While 30 minutes ago Cristina was dying to let everything out to Meredith, but now that she was standing in her living room, she was enjoying building up the suspense for Meredith and Izzie.

"Well, you told me that you had tequila, and I can't relate the story without tequila for my company," Cristina said innocently.

Meredith opened her mouth to reply, but Izzie stopped her saying, "Just get her the tequila Mer, the longer you delay bringing it to her, the longer we'll have to wait for her story."

Knowing that Izzie was right, Meredith hurriedly went into the kitchen to get two bottles of tequila. One for Cristina and the other one for Izzie and her.

Coming back to the living room, she found Cristina making herself comfortable on the couch, while Izzie sat on the loveseat across from her. Handing Cristina her bottle of tequila, she poured one glass for her and Izzie from the other bottle and took a seat on the armchair next to the fireplace right across from where Cristina was sitting.

Cristina took her sweet time getting comfortable. She stretched her legs, then slowly uncorking the cap of the tequila bottle, she took s few sips from the bottle, stopping for a couple of seconds between each sip. She was thoroughly enjoying the agitated looks on the faces of Meredith and Izzie, when they realized that she was purposely acting so slowly. For Cristina however, keeping the two in suspense was turning out to be her new favorite pastime.

When Cristina didn't start speaking after a couple of minutes, Meredith had had enough. Getting up from her armchair, she made her way to where Cristina was sitting. Lowering herself until she was eye-level with Cristina, she snarled, "Are you planning to speak anytime soon? Because this is really a waste of my time. So, if you don't start speaking in 10 seconds, I am going to go up to my room or even better, I will kick you out."

Cristina smirked and said, "Chill Mer, honestly I thought Barbie would be the one to crack first". Glancing up at Meredith, she saw that she didn't look pleased. She sighed knowing that she couldn't drag this any longer. She had to say it, explain everything that had happened, and then maybe she will be able to completely move on from her past. She was hoping that this whole confessing thing would be her closure from the past, from her failed relationship, from Burke.

Nodding her head in determination, she turned towards Meredith and Izzie and started, "Okay, you guys know that I don't do all this sharing and confessing crap, so this is really out of character for me. But, I think that it might help me move on from my past, and honestly I am willing to do anything if the result of it would be freedom from my failed relationship with Burke. I am going to tell you everything, and you will not interrupt. Not with sound effects, or your comments. This is hard enough already without you guys interrupting every ten seconds. So, no interrupting until I am finished letting everything out. Got it?" Seeing Meredith and Izzie nod, she continued, "Today, after the meeting with the chief, Burke managed to corner me. I was very inappropriately standing very close to an on-call room, and he used that to his advantage. He took me in, locked the door and said that we needed to talk. I showed no interest in talking to him, but he wouldn't budge until I gave him a chance to speak. I told him that he had one minute, and he started off by saying that he was sorry. Would you believe his nerve? He said he was extremely sorry for what he did, and what he put me through. He said that one damn word as if by saying it everything would be ok. As if that word will take away the past six months and all the hurt and pain I went through in that time. He thought that just because he said sorry everything would be alright and that I would forgive him and we'd get back together. You should know how it feels Meredith, didn't Shepherd do the same thing to you, not once but twice. These goddamn men, they think that they can hurt us in anyway they want, and when they realize that they made a mistake, they come back to us, say sorry, and everything would be okay again. They're seriously delusional." Cristina paused to take a deep breath before continuing her tale, and Meredith and Izzie shared worried glances. They knew that there was no point in asking any questions right now, what they didn't know was how much Burke had really hurt Cristina. Both Meredith and Izzie had enough problems, but none of them had been left at the altar, and they couldn't possibly imagine the pain Cristina had gone through. She was such a good actress, her "I am fine" façade had everyone convinced that she was over Burke. But listening to her rant, they realized that they couldn't have been more wrong.

After a couple of seconds Cristina started again, "He tried to interrupt, but I knew that I had to let everything out. I told him that even though he thought I was an unfeeling person, he couldn't have hurt me more when he left me at the altar. You know that I don't do marriage and commitment crap, but I agreed to marry him. I still don't know what possessed me to say yes, but I did, and that's where everything started going downhill. I gave way to everything he wanted, I agreed to every fricking wedding plan he and his mom came up with, and what do I get? Him deserting me at the altar before I could even make it inside those chapel doors. I wanted a small wedding at the city hall, but he insisted on inviting the whole hospital. I never imagined myself in a bridal dress, but I agreed because I wanted to make him happy. Mama shaved my eyebrows, and made me wear that fricking choker that nearly choked me to death. I was against all of it, but I did it anyways. Why? Because I wanted to make him happy. But I guess he thought I wasn't good enough for him. When I told him of that, he said that him leaving me at the altar was all his fault, and that I had nothing to do with it. So, I asked him to tell me why he did it. Why he left me on our wedding day. And guess what? He didn't have one legitimate excuse. He gave me crap about us not being happy in the future, and that I changed too much for him, but seriously those excuse are crap and he knows it. He didn't have one excuse about why he left, he doesn't know why he did it. But his one rash decision caused my downfall. It brought out all the emotions in me that I detest. I cried, I stayed up at night, I was hurt, and I was left more vulnerable than I ever was. All because of his one rash decision." Cristina ended her rant trying to blink away the tears that had somehow appeared in her eyes while she was talking.

Meredith and Izzie looked at Cristina in shock trying to digest the information she had provided them. They felt like horrible friends for not realizing how much Cristina was suffering from Burke's betrayal. Cristina had displayed emotions today that she had been denying for the past six months. Realizing that Cristina was done and probably waiting for them to say something, Meredith said, "Why didn't you tell us how much you were hurting Cristina? I am your person, aren't I? We tell each other thing. I would have never bothered you with so much of my personal problems with Derek if I had known that you were so affected by what happened."

"That was exactly why I didn't want to display any emotions. I would have been pitied, people would tiptoe around me, and you know that I hate that. I don't want to be pitied, and furthermore, I didn't want you guys to act weirdly around me." Cristina explained.

"But Cristina, holding all these emotions in wasn't the smartest move. Having people to talk to and share your pain is the best treatment. Had you talked to Meredith or me before this, you would've felt much better, and it would have helped you get over Burke faster." Izzie said.

"I guess it would have helped, but this is me we are talking about. I don't do the feelings and the girl talk crap. The only reason I let this all out today was because of the whole thing with Burke. It was just getting way over my head, and I needed to talk to someone before I would have exploded. And by the way, I am feeling so much better now that everything out of my system," Cristina stated.

"Cristina Burke is an ass. What he did was unforgivable, but you can't crumble because he is here. You have to stay strong and determined not to fall in his trap once again. I see Derek everyday at work, but I am so much more stronger now. I can stand up to him, and he doesn't have the hold over me like he used to. I don't want you to get hurt by him again, I don't want to pick up your pieces like last time. You need to remain strong and firm against him. He's here for a week, and you can't run away from him all the time he's here. You have to face him and be strong against his advances. You don't need him anymore Cristina." Meredith said, trying to say the same things that Cristina would have said had she been in her place.

Meredith was pleased to see Cristina eyes get a determined sparkle in them as she said, "You're right. What he did is unforgivable, and I can't keep running away from him. He won't be able to break me again. I am Cristina Yang, and Burke is not a part of my life anymore. I don't need him anymore. Not now. Not ever.

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BACK AT THE HOSPITAL

Derek was scanning the hospital for Meredith, he didn't know if she had gone home or not, but he decided to check anyways. He really wanted to talk to her. He had finally realized a few things after his talk with Addison and he needed Meredith to understand them as well. He was pretty sure that Meredith would put up a fight, but he knew that he had to give it a try. He had checked the tunnel, the reception area, the ORs and their galleries, but so far no sign of her. Right now, Derek was searching the on-call rooms on the third floor, putting his ears to the doors of each one to detect any noise from the inside; he really didn't want to interrupt anybody or anything.

Stopping in front of the last on-call room, he put his ears to the door to detect any noise. Not hearing anything, he quietly opened the door and walked in. It was very dark in the room, but Derek could tell that the bunks were empty. Sighing in defeat, Derek made to turn away, when he was distracted by some movement from the middle of the room. Squinting, he noticed that someone was kneeling in the middle of the room. Making his way to the figure, Derek realized that it was Burke. Surprised at what Burke was doing kneeling in the middle on an on-call room floor, Derek walked till he was in front of him. Realizing that Burke has still not shown any recognition, Derek put his hand on his shoulder, and said, "Burke? Preston, are you okay?" Still not getting an answer, Derek squatted till he was eye-level with Burke and tried once more, "Preston, are you okay? This is me, Derek." By now, Derek knew that something was horribly wrong to make Burke act this way. But before he could say anything else, Burke seemed to come back to reality. Looking at Derek he whispered, "Derek, what are you doing here?"

"Well, I was looking for Meredith, but that's not the point. The point is that I found you in this pitch black on-call room, kneeling on the floor, apparently very far away from reality. Are you okay?" Derek asked in concern.

"Okay? Oh yeah, I am okay. I am great, just great. I just talked to my ex-fiancée, who hates my guts, and doesn't want or need me in her life anymore." Burke said bitterly.

Derek immediately knew what had happened to get Burke into such a state. Looking at Burke, he said, "Okay, you don't need to say anything else. The first thing we do is go to Joe's, get some hard core alcohol and then you tell me what happened."

Burke contemplated the idea for a couple of seconds, and then with a sigh nodded slightly.

"Good, let's go." Derek said, satisfied.

Burke got up from the position he had been sitting in for the past three hours, stretched his legs, and followed Derek into the brightly lit corridors of SGH.

Burke and Derek got to Joe's without bumping into either Cristina or Meredith, something Burke was thankful for.

Entering the crowded bar, Derek said, "You go get us a booth, while I get the drinks. What would you like?"

"Anything that's strong enough to numb the feeling of pain and worthlessness I have now," Burke answered shortly.

Nodding understandingly, Derek made his way to buy the drinks while Burke went to find them a booth.

A couple of minutes later, Derek arrived with a full bottle of tequila and two glasses. Burke had found a booth in the back of the bar, where the activity level was low, giving them an opportunity to talk without interruption.

Pouring out a glass for both of them, Derek passed Burke his glass and saw Burke swallow the whole thing in one gulp.

Sipping the contents in his glass slowly, Derek turned to Burke and said, "So, you want to um, talk about it now?"

"Talk about what? About how royally I screwed up my relationship with Cristina? Or hoe much pain and hurt I have caused her over the course of six months? Or how I don't even have a legitimate reason why I left her at the altar? I have been trying to find a reason about why I left Cristina on our wedding day, and you know what, I haven't found one that I am satisfied, how am I suppose to satisfy her. She asked me for my reasons, and I didn't have any. For the first time today, I saw the first hand damage I did to her when I left her at the altar. And then I was such a coward that I didn't even bother to come and say goodbye. I asked to you to break the news to Cristina and left my mom to get my stuff. I was a coward, because I couldn't bear to see how much I had hurt her."

He stopped for a second to gather his thoughts and feelings, and then continued, "Today, after the chief's meeting, I cornered her, and took her to the on-call room you found me in. She was pissed. I asked her to talk to her, and she was very reluctant at first, but then gave me one minute to speak. I started off with the only thing I thought suitable, I told her I was sorry. Just hearing that word made her lash out. She screamed at me, she said that sorry wasn't enough to take back the pain she went through over the past six months. I didn't realize how much she had loved me, I didn't realize it till I was too late. I was so insecure about our relationship, while on the other hand, she was ready to commit. The timing couldn't have been any better. While the rest of the hospital was counting on Cristina to bail on the wedding, I was the one who got cold-feet just when she was ready to give herself to me. Do you know how much is hurts to see the person you love in pain?" Seeing Derek nod, he said, "Then just imagine how much more it would hurt to realize that the person you love is in pain because of you, and there's no one else to blame for. I took my relationship with her for granted. While I spent my time pointing out our differences, she was trying to patch our differences, she was trying so hard to make us work, and I ended up hurting her up so brutally. I crushed her, her pride, her identity, everything she was made of. I am the reason of every ounce of pain she went through over the past six months. They say, you don't hurt the person you love, but I did the exact opposite. These six months made me realize how much I love Cristina. How much she means to me. And today made me realize how badly I have hurt her. I love her, I love her so, so much, but after what I did, I doubt that she will ever want me back in her life."

And with that, he slammed his glass on the table and made his way out of the bar, not wanting Derek to see the tears that had appeared in his eyes. Getting out in the cold Seattle night, he realized that no matter how great of a surgeon he was, he had failed horribly in the parts of life that had really mattered.

A/N: Wow, another long one. Hope you guys liked it. I want Burke to realize the full effect of his mistake, and for him to realize how much he had hurt Cristina. I just got 8 reviews for the last chapter, but I decided to post anyways because my next week is really busy. So, for the next update I need 10 reviews, so whenever that happens, I will post the next chapter. Just a little spoiler for next chapter, Jacob (Cristina's date) enters the story, and an event that will shock you guys! So with that said, enjoy the chapter, and please, please, please REVIEW!