-Later that day..
"Dad, how old were you and Mom when you two had Sophie?" Luke asked.
"Well, Son I was 20 and your mother 18." Chandler told him.
"Woah, Mom was 18?!" Luke's eyes lighted up.
"Yes, Son. I also remember when we were having Daniel & Karen"
-September 1990-
"Ugh, why won't they come out yet?" Monica groaned as both the babies started to kick.
"I know, Baby." Chandler rubbed his wife's back and kissed her.
She was two weeks overdue with their twins, a girl and boy. Which was unusual for twins.
-At Central Perk-
"That's right, still no babies!" Monica groaned entering- still pregnant. She yells at two customers " Boy what's the matter? Is the puffy sweaty pregnant lady disturbing your precious coffee time? then turns to the gang and Baby Sophie. "Please make some room!"
"Cara Mia, maybe you'll be a bit more comforable sitting here" Chandler suggested and he sat his pregnant wife in between them all.
"You. You did this to me again" Monica looked angrily at him.
"Honey, soon they'll be out and we'll have two more beautiful babies" Chandler assured her and tickled Baby Sophie who's on his lap.
"Oh Chandler, Mon Cherie that's a great story. Can you tell it to me when you're getting me some iced tea?" Chandler gets up and Monica groaned at her husband getting up. She yells at the babies, "Oh God, get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!"
'Let's" Phoebe said to the rest of the gang and they all get up.
-Later that day-
"Hey little sis, have the babies yet?" Ross asked.
"Do you want me come over there and sit on you? 'Cause I'll do it" Monica threated.
"So, why are you home so early from work?" Rachel questions.
"They said stay home prepare for the babies, and rest. But who cares, screw them." Monica explained.
"You can do volunteer work" Phoebe suggests.
"Mommy moody?" Baby Sophie asked.
Chandler nodded, "Yes, Mommy is very moody"
"Hey. I heard that!" Monica frowned.
"Sorry Cara Mia, you are moody and horny: stage ten." Chandler told her.
"Eww, Man!" Ross exclaimed in disgust.
"Shut up Dino Man!" Chandler fired back.
-Three hours later-
"Still pregnant, you look great" Rachel said.
Monica smiled at her.
"I'm going to the bathroom. If I'm not out yet, it's because I choked to death on the potporri stink. Appartently these babies think my bladder is a chew toy" Monica annouced.
"Okay, you hold her down and I blow in her mouth. Then pop, these kids will come right out" Phoebe suggested to Rachel.
"She's gotta have these babies soon" Rachel sighs and adds, 'She is over a week late!"
"I don't know. I-I think it's still gonna be a while" Phoebe told her.
"Hmm, care to make it interesting? I'll bet you that she'll have "it by this time tomorrow." Rachel smirks.
"You're on!" Phoebe concurred.
"Okay, how much?" Rachel asked.
"One hundred thousand dollars!" Phoebe grinned.
"How about fifty bucks?" Rachel suggests.
"Fine! I'll call Zurich and move some money around." Phoebe repiled.
"All right, who's turn is it to help me get up!" Monica asked from the bathroom.
(They both look at each other, then Phoebe gets an idea.)
"No one's here!" Phoebe called out, then cried "Oh damnit!"
-The guys and Baby Sophie are at Burger King-
"Is Mon still moody?" Joey asks.
Chandler nods. "I don't know if it's because she's pregnant, or if she's just messing with me"
"Well, you slept with my sister: then married her and she still has Geller in her.
So, you are warned." Ross put a chicken nugget in his mouth.
Chandler gave him a death glare, "Shut up, Dino Man!"
"Aunty Rossy, Dino Man" Baby Sophie says confused.
"She's so much like Mon!" Joey said and looked at Ross, laughing. "Aunty Rossy"
-15 minutes later at the Bings apartment.-
"Where's Monica?" Chandler asked, entering the apartment from dropping Sophie to the Gellers.
"She's in the bathroom" Rachel repiled.
"People wonder why we had Sophie at 18, I don't know what to tell them" Chandler glooms and banged on the door, "Honey, we gotta go!"
"In a minute!" a very pregnant Monica yelled at her husband.
Then Monica came out in a tank top and skirt that makes her large belly stick out more.
Cara Mia, do you wanna go change first? The doctor's keeping the office open late for us, but if you hurry…" Chandler asked.
"No, I'm fine" Monica insists.
"Really? You don't think that's a little inappropriate." Chandler questions, looking at her large baby bump.
"God, don't anger her" Phoebe stared at him.
"Chandler, it is 100 degrees outside. For the first time in weeks, I am somewhat comfortable!" Monica snapped at him.
"Went right threw it with when she was nine months with Sophie" Chandler mumbles to Ross & Carol who stared at him and turned back to Monica, "Alright, do what you want. You are the Mommy"
"Hey, Pal, don't you call me Mommy. It's bad enough that you call your own mother that" Monica said firmly.
"I gotta agree with her on that one" Rachel answers.
"Actually Mon, it is me who calls our Mother, "Mommy" Ross pointed out.
"You still call your mother "Mommy"? Oh my god!" Joey laughed.
"Well, who doesn't?" Ross glared at him.
"Tomato, potato. Nobody cares" Monica snapped back at Ross.
-At the doctors-
"…ere ever you this irritating?" Monica asked her husband as he drummed his fingers on the bed.
"Wow!" Chandler exclaimed.
"Excuse me?!" Monica asked, provoked.
"Oh nothing, Honey. Nothing! Just uh, you've been a little short with me lately. I'm not trying to irritate you" Chandler said.
"Well then you just must have a natural talent for it." Monica repiled sarcastically.
"Y'know what? The doctor will be in soon, why don't we not speak until then." Chandler answers.
"Okay. (Pause) Seriously, breathe louder Chandler! That's great!" Monica said.
" Y'know we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver babies that are half human and half pure evil!" Chandler told her sarcasitcally.
(Dr. Golly enters.)
"Hi Dr. Golly, how are you?" Monica asked.
"Oh, you're nice to her." Chandler said, obviously hurt.
"She has the drugs!" Monica states.
"We'll do a quick check." Dr. Golly told the couple.
"Okay." Monica put her head on the bed.
"So, fifteen days late huh?" Dr. Golly asked.
"Yeah." Monica agrees.
"You must be a little uncomfortable."
"Eh, just a tad."
"You're about 80 percent effaced, so you're on your way. It still could last a little while longer. If you're anxious there are a few ways to help things along."
"Do them!" Chandler rubs his wife's back.
"Actually, they're things you can do. Just some home remedies, but in my experience I've found that some of them are quite effective." Doctor Golly told them.
"Well, we are ready to try anything." Monica said.
"Okay, there's an herbal tea you can drink." Doctor Golly reads.
"Okay."
"You can take some caster oil, there's eating spicy foods…"
"Great! We will do all of those." Monica repiled in enthusiam.
" …taking a long walk" Doctor Golly continued.
"Ok done!"
"...and then there's the one that's proved most effective: sex" Doctor Golly added.
(Monica turns and looks at Chandler.)
"You've got to be kidding me!" Chandler said, looking at his nine months pregnant wife.
-Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are there as Phoebe, Rachel and Carol enter-
"Hey!" Rachel greets.
"Hey." Chandler said.
"Hi!" Monica repiled happily.
"What did the doctor say? Any news on when the babies will come?" Rachel asked.
"No. But she did give us some ideas on how to induce labor." Monica answers, adding "Sophie came out right away."
"Oh, c'mon Honey. We were saying our wows on our wedding day, and BAM! Your water broke" Chandler convinced her.
"Shut up!" Monica told him.
"Yeah, we tried them all. We went for a walk, uh we tried a special tea, caster oil, spicy food nothing has worked."
"Well, there is one thing that we haven't tried, but someone thinks that, (mimicking Chandler) "That won't be good for the babies." Monica looked at Chandler.
"Well what is it? What is it? If it's gonna help bring the babies here, like today. I mean, I think you should do it." Rachel asked.
"It's sex." Chandler told the girls.
" Do it!" Rachel cheered.
"Rachel!" Chandler said in a high-pitched voice.
"I'm just saying you guys are rabbits, you guys do it all the time. I mean, women have needs. Do it, get yours!" Rachel tried to convince the couple.
"Oh I-I don't know about that. No, I think that if the two of you had sex while she's this pregnant, the-the-the repercussions would be catastrophic." Phoebe said.
"All right, let's be practical, if Chandler isn't willing to do it, he's not the only guy in the world you can have sex with. You can borrow Barry—Barry is good!" Rachel repiled.
"Ok, ok. Yeah, I don't-I don't think I want to do that." Monica wrinkled her nose in disgust.
"You sure? I'm just saying the baby's head isn't getting any smaller. Yowser!" Rachel questions.
"Rachel, what is the matter with you?" Chandler asks.
"Nothing. I just want the babies to be born today." Rachel told them as a small smile entered her face.
"Why? Why today?" Monica asked curiously.
"Okay fine! I keep betting Phoebe that you're gonna have the babies and I don't want to lose again!" Rachel revealed.
"What?! While she's been going through this hell, you've been making money?! You're betting on your friend staying in this misery?!" Chandler questions and starts to play with his wedding band(Phoebe lowers her head and shakes it yes.)
"I'll take that bet" Monica agrees.
"What?!" Chandler starts to kiss her arm.
"Well, I'm miserable here! I might as well make some money out it!" Monica insists.
'Can I get some of that action?" Chandler asked as he continues kissing Monica's arm.
"Wait a minute! Now I'm betting against all three of you?" Rachel incrediously stated.
"Oh honey, don't worry. I really do feel like tomorrow's the day." Monica assured her.
"Oh, okay!" Rachel cheerfully agreed.
(Monica turns her head to Chandler and Phoebe and mouths, "No way.")
[Central Perk. The next day.]
Rachel:(counting) 60, 80, 100 (hands money to Phoebe) And 50 (hands money to Monica)
Monica: Ah!
Rachel: And 2 (hands Chandler some coins)
ChandlerYeah baby! (shakes the coins)
(Rachel is disappointed)
Rachel: Last, but not least, Baby Sophie!(Hands Baby Sophie some coins)
Sophie: Yay!
-Back to present day-
"Woah!" Luke exclaims.
"I remember when we went, to the first ultrasound for Clara" Chandler told him.
-Janurary 1996-
"4th month of pregnancy. How are you feeling?" Doctor Golly asked.
"A little nausea" Monica repiled as Doctor Golly put gel on her belly.
Then the baby's heart beat came on.
"Oh my god!" Chandler exclaimed, starting to kiss Monica's arm as their fifth baby's heartbeat can be heard.
That's your baby" Doctor Golly told the happily married couple.
-That evening. The gang, kids, Mrs. Bing, & the Geller parents are at the apartment-
"That's amazing" Ross told Mondler as the heartbeat from Monica's ultrasound can be heard.
"I know!" Monica grinned as Chandler kisses up her arm, then he kissed her baby bump- that started to show the day after Christmas.
"Sounds like something from a horror movie" Joey smirks as he heard the heartbeat.
-Back to the present day-
"I remember the first Thankgiving we had with Aunt Rachel" Chandler pat Luke's shoulder.
"Great" Luke put his feet on the coffee table.
November 1994
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is confronting her boss, Terry.]
Rachel: Terry, I, I, I know that I haven't worked here very long, but I was wondering, do you think it would be possible if I got a $100 advance in my salary?
Terry: An advance?
Rachel: It's so that I can spend Thanksgiving with my family. See, every year we go skiing in Vail, and normally my father pays for my ticket, but I sort of started the whole independence thing, you know, which is actually why I took this job.
Terry: Rachel, Rachel, sweetheart. You're a terrible, terrible waitress. Really, really awful.
Rachel: Ok, I, I hear what you're sayin'. I'm with you. Um, but I, but I'm trying really hard. And I think I'm doing better. I really do. Does anybody need coffee? (everyone in the place raises their hand) Oh, look at that.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is approaching a customer.]
Rachel: Excuse me, sir. Hi, you come in here all time. I was just wondering, do you think there's a possibility that you could give me an advance on my tips?
Guy: Huh?
Rachel: Ok, ok, that's fine. Fine. Hey, I'm sorry about that spill before. (picks up the tip he leaves) Only $98.50 to go.
(Monica enters.)
Monica: Hey. Ross, did you know Mom and Dad are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving?
Ross: No, they're not.
Monica: Yes, they are. The Blymens invited them.
Ross: You're wrong.
Monica: I am not wrong.
Ross: You're wrong.
Monica: No, I just talked to them.
Ross: (getting up, upset) I'm calling Mom.
(Joey enters. His face looks abnormally colorful.)
Joey: Hey, hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup?
Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.
Chandler: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.
Phoebe: What were you modeling for?
Joey: You know those posters for the city free clinic?
Monica: Oh, wow, so you're gonna be one of those "healthy, healthy, healthy guys"?
Phoebe: You know, the asthma guy was really cute.
Chandler: Do you know which one you're gonna be?
Joey: No, but I hear lyme disease is open, so... (crosses fingers)
Chandler: Good luck, man. I hope you get it.
Joey: Thanks.
(Ross comes back to the couch.)
Ross: (to Monica) Well, you were right. How can they do this to us, huh? It's Thanksgiving.
Monica: Ok, I'll tell you what. How about I cook dinner at the apartment? I'll make it just like Mom's.
Ross: Will you make the mashed potatoes with the lumps?
Monica: You know, they're not actually supposed to have... (Ross looks at her sheepishly) I'll work on the lumps. Joey, you're going home, right?
Joey: Yeah.
Monica: And I assume, Chandler hubbykins, you are still boycotting all the pilgrim holidays.
Chandler: No, not every single one of them. Especially after we conceived Sophie on Thanksgiving '88(Winks at her seductively)
Ross: Chandler, stop it! I don't need to know what you do with my sister in bed.
Monica: Phoebe, you're gonna be with your grandma?
Phoebe: Yes, and her boyfriend. But we're celebrating Thanksgiving in December 'cause he is lunar.
Monica: So you're free Thursday, then.
Phoebe: Yeah. Oh, can I come?
Monica: Yeah. Rach, are you thinking you're gonna make it to Vail?
Rachel: Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only a hundred and two dollars to go.
Chandler: I thought it was $98.50.
Rachel: Yeah, well it was. I, I broke a cup.
Ross: Well, I'm off to Carol's.
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh! Why don't we invite her?
Ross: (mimicking) Ooh, ooh. Because she's my ex-wife, and will probably want to bring her, ooh, ooh, lesbian life partner.
[Scene: Carol and Susan's apartment, Susan is there. Ross enters.]
Ross: Hi, is uh, is Carol here?
Susan: No, she's at a faculty meeting.
Ross: Oh, I uh, just came by to pick up my skull. Well, not mine, but...
Susan: Come in.
Ross: Thanks. Yeah, Carol borrowed it for a class, and I have to get it back to the museum.
Susan: What's it look like?
Ross: Kinda like a big face without skin.
Susan: Yes, I'm familiar with the concept. We can just look for it.
Ross: Ok. (browsing the apartment) Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about bein' a lesbian.
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you do it.
Ross: (picking up a book) Hey, hey, Yertle the Turtle. A classic.
Susan: Actually, I'm reading it to the baby.
Ross: The uh, the baby that hasn't been born yet? Wouldn't that mean you're... crazy?
Susan: What, you don't think they can hear sounds in there?
Ross: You're not serious, I mean, you really... you really talk to it?
Susan: Yeah, all the time. I want the baby to know my voice.
Ross: Do you uh, do you talk about me?
Susan: Yeah, yeah, all the time.
Ross: Really?
Susan: But um, we just refer to you as Bobo the Sperm Guy.
[Scene: The Bings and Rachel's, everyone is there but Rachel.]
Ross: Look, if she's talking to it, I just think that I should get some belly time too. Not that I believe any of this.
Phoebe: Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can totally hear everything. I can show you. Look, this will seem a little weird, but you put your head inside this turkey, and then we'll all talk, and you'll hear everything we say.
Joey: I'd just like to say that I'm totally behind this experiment. In fact, I'd very much like to butter your head.
Chandler: I talk to me and Mon's unborn Baby Boy Bing all the time. In fact I used to talk to our three kids when they, were in there.
Daniel: Mommy why are you so fat?
Monica: I'm having a Baby around Christmas time in a few weeks, Son.
Sophie: Yeah Mommy, you look really fat.
Chandler: Sophie & Daniel! Don't tell your mom she looks fat.
Daniel/Sophie: Sorry Daddy, Mommy is pregnant not fat.
Chandler: That's better.
(He goes over to Monica who is making the Thanksgiving food, and wraps his arms around her: kissing her neck and then bending down to kiss her large apron-covered belly)
Ross: Eww...guys!
(Rachel enters.)
Monica: Hey, Rach, did you make your money?
Rachel: No, not even close. Forget Vail, forget seeing my family, forget shoop, shoop, shoop.
Monica: Rach, here's your mail.
Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
Monica: (insistently) No, here's your mail.
Rachel: Thanks, you can just put it on the table.
Monica: (gives her an envelope) Would you just open it?
(Rachel opens it. Inside is the money she needed.)
Rachel: Oh my god, oh, you guys are great.
Monica: We all chipped in.
Joey: (to Monica) We did?
Monica: (to Joey) You owe me 20 bucks.
Rachel: Thank you. Thank you so much!
Monica: (hands Chandler a bag) Chandler hubbykins, here you go, got your traditional Thanksgiving feast, you got your tomato soup, your grilled cheese fixin's, and your family size bag of Funyuns.
Rachel: Wait, wait, Chandler, this is what you're havin' for Thanksgiving dinner? What, what, what is it with you and this holiday?
Chandler: All right, I'm nine years old.
Ross: Oh, I hate this story.
Chandler: We just finished this magnificent Thanksgiving dinner. I have-and I remember this part vividly-a mouthful of pumpkin pie, and this is the moment my parents choose to tell me they're getting divorced.
Rachel: Oh my god.
Chandler: Yes. It's very difficult to appreciate a Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse.
Ross: (picks up a yam) Ohhh, what's this? I never saw this at mom's
Phoebe: It's a yam.
Ross: Hello? This isn't a yam. Yam comes in a….purple cans. They don't-they don't come in these.
Phoebe: K, Ross don't take this the wrong way or anything but…Back off!
[Scene: The subway, Joey spots a gorgeous woman waiting. He goes up to her.]
Joey: Uh, hi. Uh, we used to work together.
Girl: We did?
Joey: Yeah, at Macy's. You were the Obsession girl, right? I was the Aramis guy. (pretends to spray cologne) Aramis? Aramis?
Girl: Yeah, right.
Joey: I gotta tell you. You're the best in the business.
Girl: Get out.
Joey: I'm serious. You're amazing. You know when to spritz, when to lay back.
Girl: Really? You don't know what that means to me.
Joey: Ooh, you smell great tonight. What're you wearing?
Girl: (provocatively) Nothing.
(Pause)
Joey: Huhh. Listen, uh, you wanna go get a drink or something?
Girl: Yeah. (she gets up, notices something behind Joey) Oh.
Joey: What's wrong?
Girl: I just remembered, I have to do something.
Joey: Oh. What?
Girl: Um, leave.
Joey: Wait, wait, wait!
(Joey turns around and sees his face on a poster in the subway. The poster says: What Mario isn't telling you...V.D., you never know who might have it. A variety of scenes are shown with the poster displayed all over New York City.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey enters, amongst snickers from the gang .]
Joey: So I guess you all saw it.
Rachel: Saw what?
Phoebe: No, we were just laughing. You know, how laughter can be infectious.
[Scene: The Bings and Rachel's, Joey enters, upset.]
Joey: Set another place for Thanksgiving. My entire family thinks I have VD.
Chandler: Tonight, on a very special Blossom.
[Scene: The Bings and Rachel's, Monica is cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is standing in the doorway, not wanting to participate in the festivities.]
Monica: Mmm, looking good. Ok, cider's mulling, turkey's turking, yams are yamming. (notices Ross is depressed) What?
Ross: I don't know. It's just not the same without Mom in the kitchen.
Monica: All right, that's it. You know what? Just get out of my way and stop annoying me.
Ross: That's closer.
(Thought to himself: Thank god for Mon's pregnancy hormones)
(Rachel enters, excited.)
Rachel: I got the tickets! I got the tickets! Five hours from now, shoop, shoop, shoop.
Chandler: Oh, you must stop shooping.
Rachel: Ok, I'm gonna get my stuff.
Joey: Chandler, will you just come in already?
Chandler: No, I prefer to keep a safe distance from all this merriment.
(Phoebe takes a slice of pumpkin pie and waves it in front of Chandler's face.)
Phoebe: Look out, incoming pumpkin pie!
Chandler: Ok, we all laughed when you did it with the stuffing, but that's not funny anymore.
(Chandler leaves.)
Joey: Hey, Monica, I got a question. I don't see any tater tots.
Monica: That's not a question.
Joey: But my mom always makes them.
It's like a tradition. You get a little piece of turkey on your fork, a little cranberry sauce, and a tot! It's bad enough I can't be with my family because of my disease.
Monica: All right, fine. Tonight's potatoes will be both mashed with lumps, and in the form of tots.
(Chandler reenters the apartment from the balcony.)
Ross: Ok, I'm off to talk to my unborn child.
(Ross grabs for some food, Monica slaps his hand away.)
Ross: Girls are mean! Mean pregnant lady you are.
Chandler: And that mean pregnant lady is my wife and your little sister.
(Ross gives him the Geller 'Screw you' gesture)
Monica: Ah!
Ross: Ok, Mom never hit.
(Ross exits.)
Phoebe: (stirring pot) Ok, all done.
Monica: What, Phoebe, did you whip the potatoes? Ross needs lumps!
Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I just, I thought we could have them whipped and then add some peas and onions.
Monica: Why the hell would we do that?
Phoebe: Well, 'cause then they'd be like my mom used to make them, you know, before she died.
Monica: Ok, three kinds of potatoes coming up.
Rachel: Ok, good-bye you guys. Thanks for everything. (she starts to leave, and hits everyone with her skis) Oh, sorry! Oh, sorry!
(Chandler enters, running.)
Chandler: The most unbelievable thing has happened. Underdog has just gotten away.
Sophie/Karen/Daniel: Yay Daddy, Underdog has just gotten away!
Joey: The balloon?
Chandler: No, no, the actual cartoon character. Of course the balloon. It's all over the news. Right before he reached Macy's, he broke free and was spotted flying over Washington Square Park. I'm goin' to the roof, who's with me?
Rachel: I can't, I gotta go.
Chandler: Come on. An 80-foot inflatable dog let loose over the city. How often does that happen?
Phoebe: Almost never.
Monica: Got the keys? or Got the keys!
Rachel: Ok.
(Everyone leaves the apartment.)
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Ross is preparing to talk to her belly.]
Carol: Anytime you're ready.
Ross: Ok, ok, here we go. (he crouches down near her stomach) Ok, where am I talking to, here? I mean, uh, well, there is one way that seems to offer a certain acoustical advantage, but...
Carol: Just aim for the bump.
Ross: Ok, ok, ok, ok, here goes. You know, I, you know, can't do this. Uh, this is too weird. I feel stupid.
Carol: So don't do it, it's fine. You don't have to do it just because Susan does it.
Ross: (quickly talking) Hello, baby. Hello, hello.
[Scene: The Bings and Rachel's, the group is coming back from the roof.]
Rachel: I loved the moment when you first saw the giant dog shadow all over the park.
Phoebe: Yeah, but did they have to shoot him down? I mean, that was just mean.
Monica: Ok, right about now the turkey should be crispy on the outside, juicy on the inside. Why are we standing here?
Rachel: We're waiting for you to open the door. You got the keys.
Monica: No I don't.
Rachel: Yes, you do. When we left, you said, "got the keys."
Monica: No I didn't. I asked Chandler, got the ke-eys?"
Rachel: No, no, no, you said, "got the keys".
Chandler: Do either of you have the keys?
Monica: (panicked) The oven is on.
Rachel: Oh, I gotta get my ticket!
Joey: Wait, wait, I have a copy of your key.
Monica: Well then get it, get it!
Joey: That tone will not make me go any faster.
Monica: (angry) Joey!
Joey: Ok, angry pregnant lady.
Monica: Shut up and get the damn key Tribbiani!
(Joey leaves to get the copy of the key.)
[Scene: Carol and Susan's, Carol is reading, Ross is talking to her stomach.]
Ross: And everyone's telling me, you gotta pick a major, you gotta pick a major. So, on a dare, I picked paleontology. And you have no idea what I'm saying, because, let's face it, you're a fetus. You're just happy you don't have gills anymore.
Carol: Look, you don't have to talk to it. You can sing to it if you want.
Ross: Oh, please. I am not singing to your stomach, ok?
(Susan enters.)
Susan: Hi, how's it goin?
Ross: Shh! (singing) Here we come, walkin' down the street, get the funniest looks from, everyone we meet. Hey, hey! (to Carol) Hey, uh, did you just feel that?
Carol: I did.
Ross: Does it always, uh-?
Carol: No, no that was the first.
Susan: Keep singing! Keep singing!
Ross: (singing) Hey, hey, you're my baby, and I can't wait to meet you. When you come out I'll buy you a bagel, and then we'll go to the zoo.
Susan: I felt it!
Ross: (singing) Hey, hey, I'm your daddy. I'm the one without any breasts.
[Scene: The Hallway, Joey has a tray full of keys, and is trying each one in the lock.]
Rachel: Oh, this is just really great! 5 o'clock, my plane is pulling away from the gate.
Phoebe: Maybe you can take a later flight.
Rachel: There is no later flight.
Phoebe: Oh maybe you can go tomorrow.
Rachel: But tomorrow is not Thanksgiving!
Phoebe: K, look if I'm going to try to cheer you up, you're going to have to meet me half way.
Joey: Nope, not that one.
Monica: Can you go any faster with that?
Joey: Hey, I got one keyhole and about a zillion keys. You do the math.
Monica: Why do you have so many keys in there anyway Joey?
Chandler: (sarcastic) And Baby, for an emergency just like this.
Rachel: (grabs Chandler by the shirt) All right, listen, smirky. If it wasn't for you and your stupid balloon, I would be on a plane watching a woman do this (makes a gesture like a stewardess pointing out exits) right now. But I'm not.
Monica: I swear you said you had the keys.
Rachel: No, I didn't. I wouldn't say I had the keys unless I had the keys, and I obviously didn't have the keys.
Phoebe: Ooh, ok, that's it. Enough with the keys. No one say keys.
(Short pause.)
Monica: Why would I have the keys?
Rachel: Aside from the fact that you said you had them?
Monica: But I didn't.
Rachel: Well, you should have.
Monica: Why?
Rachel: Because!
Monica: Why?
Rachel: Because!
Monica: Why? Because everything is my responsibility? Isn't it enough that I'm making Thanksgiving dinner for everyone? You know, everyone wants a different kind of potatoes, so I'm making different kinds of potatoes. Does anybody care what kind of potatoes I want? Nooooo, no, no! (starting to cry) Just as long as Phoebe gets her peas and onions, and Mario gets his tots, and it's my first Thanksgiving, and it's all burned, and, and I... I...
Chandler: Ok, Monica Sweetie, only dogs can hear you now, so, look, the door's open. Here we go.
(They walk in. Smoke fills the apartment.)
Joey: All right, Chandler don't lose this. (throws it do the drawer with all the other zillion keys)
Chandler: Oh, n-n-n-n-…..
Monica: Well, the turkey's burnt. (checking pots) Potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined, potatoes are ruined.
(Ross enters, singing.)
Ross: Here we come, walkin' down the—this doesn't smell like Mom's.
Monica: No, it doesn't, does it? But you wanted lumps, Ross? (picks up the pan of badly burnt potatoes) Well, here you go, buddy, ya got one.
Ross: Oh don't yell at me, you're the one who burnt dinner.
Phoebe: (hits him) Hey! Don't make the pregnant lady squeak again!
Rachel: Oh, god, this is great! The plane is gone, so it looks like I'm stuck here with you guys.
Joey: Hey, we all had better plans. This was nobody's first choice.
Monica: Oh, really? So why the hell was I busting my ass to make this delicious Thanksgiving dinner?
Joey: You call that delicious?
(Monica is about to snap something else but then feels a pain)
Monica: Oh god, no. Oww!
Chandler: Mon, Mon, are you all right. Cara Mia?
Monica: No. No, I'm not; I think... I think I'm going into false labor!
Rachel: What? Are you sure? That hasn't happened to you since you had Sophie, five years ago.
Monica: Yes, I'm sure of it! I never forgot what it felt like!
Joey: Well, then we'd better get her to the hospital just to be sure.
Monica: Okay, but Chandler and I should go by ourselves; the rest of you stay here, clean up the mess, and get all this smoke out of here!
(Mondler leave and their kids & the gang promptly clear the smoke out, then clean up the apartment.)
(SCENE: In the waiting room. Monica and the dr. come out)
Chandler: Hey! So?
Dr. Golly: She's fine. She's experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions, mild discomfort caused by contractions in the uterine wall.
Monica: The last time I had it was when I was pregnant with our oldest Sophie. Five years ago.
Chandler: And-and there's no danger to her and our fourth baby and second son?
Dr. Golly: No-no. Contractions can be unnerving if you don't know what they are, but she's fine.
Monica: Thank you doctor. (Dr. Golly exits.) (To Chandler) I'm so happy I married you after, you knocked me up with Sophie on Thanksgiving 1988.
Chandler: I love you Mon. Let's go home.
(SCENE: At apartment #20)
Phoebe: What happened?
Chandler: Doctor told us Mon was just having braxton hicks contractions.
Ross: Oh. Oh. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.
Rachel/Monica: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
Joey: So, everything's normal; there's no danger to the baby?
Monica: Yeah, everything's fine; just got to take it easy for a while and refrain from any strenuous activity is all.
Phoebe: Well, as long as the baby's all right, that's all that matters.
All: Yeah.
[Time lapse. The gang and Mondler's kids are around the table, eating grilled cheese sandwiches.]
Chandler: Shall I carve?
Rachel: By all means.
Chandler: Ok, who wants light cheese, and who wants dark cheese?
Ross: I don't even wanna know about the dark cheese.
Monica: (holding sandwich) Does anybody wanna split this with me?
Joey: Oh, I will.
Phoebe: Ooh, you guys have to make a wish.
Monica: Make a wish?
Phoebe: Come on, you know, Thanksgiving. Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish for?
Joey: The bigger half.
Chandler: I'd like to propose a toast. Little toast here, ding ding. I know this isn't the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked. And I couldn't be happier with Mon and our kids, I'm in love with you Monica.(Placed his hand gently on her large baby bump) Last but not least, Ross...Man, you are my best friend and the reason me & Mon concieved Sophie on Thanksgiving 1988- leading into our marriage.
All: That's so sweet.
Monica: I'm in love with you too Chandler. Very in love.(They kiss)
Ross: And hey, here's to a lousy Christmas.
Rachel: And a crappy New Year.
Chandler: Here, here!
Closing Credits
[Scene: The Subway, Joey sees his poster and he peels off the caption on his poster, revealing more posters underneath. The captions read, as follows:
Bladder Control Problem
Stop Wife Beating
Hemorrhoids?
Winner of 3 Tony Awards.
-June 1988-
(MONICA AND CHANDLER ARE AT THE NEXT ULTRASOUND. THE DOCTOR LADY JUST FINISHED LOOKING AT THE RESULTS AS MONICA AND CHANDLER ARE HOLDING HANDS.)
DOCTOR:
We know the gender of the baby. Would you like to know now or wait?
MONICA:
Oh, tell us now, please.
CHANDLER:
We would love to know now.
DOCTOR:
You're having… a girl!
MONICA:
Omigosh yay!
(MONDLER KISSES AS THE DOCTOR WATCHES THEM, SMILING.).
(LATER THEY ARE ALL GATHERED IN MONICA'S PARENTS' HOUSE, SITTING AROUND THE LIVING ROOM.)
JUDY:
So what's the big news, kids?
MONICA (SMILING HUGELY):
We're having a girl!
(Everyone starts cheering in excitement.)
RACHEL:
That's so awesome! You get to have a little baby girl!
JUDY:
This calls for celebration! Let's have a girls' day out. Grab your purses, kids, let's go.
(Rachel and Monica squeal, then grab their bags and follow Judy out the door.)
ROSS:
I can't believe she's having a girl. It's amazing.
CHANDLER:
I know, right?
JACK:
You two up for boys' day in?
(Ross and Chandler nod, then turn on the TV. It's time for some quality wrestling!)
(MONICA, RACHEL, AND JUDY ARE ALL AT THE MALL, SHOPPING FOR NEW CLOTHES.)
RACHEL:
Ms. Geller! That would look great on you!
JUDY:
Really?
RACHEL:
Oh, yes! Floral print is totally your style!
JUDY:
I'll try it on. Thank you, Rachel!
(She goes into the changing room, leaving Monica and Rachel alone.)
RACHEL:
Great. Now, Mon, help me pick out something a little bit slutty. Or a lot a bit slutty.
(she winked)
MONICA (Giggling):
Okay!
(They go over to that side of the store.)
MONICA (Holding up a pink tube top):
How about this?
RACHEL:
No. I need my mystery date to sleep with me, not to be blinded by me.
MONICA:
Ooh, a mystery date? That's what this is for?
RACHEL:
Yes! Oh, yes! I'm so excited. He's supposed to be amazing! Tall, dark, handsome, possibly famous.
MONICA:
Possibly?
RACHEL:
Yeah. My friend who told him about me said—ooh, Monica! Look at this!
(She holds up a skimpy red dress.)
MONICA:
Oh, it's perfect!
RACHEL:
I know!
JUDY (Coming out of the changing room):
Oh, that's wonderful, Rachel.
RACHEL (Folding it up):
I know!
(Monica found a pretty green dress next and then they paid and went to get coffee.)
(MEANWHILE THE BOYS WERE AT HOME, AND DECIDED THAT INSTEAD OF JUST WATCHING WRESTLING, THEY WOULD TRY IT OUT. ROSS WAS CURRENTLY ON TOP OF CHANDLER, TRYING TO PULL HIS SHOE OFF.)
ROSS:
Wrawr! My GOD, Chandler! How tight do you tie these things?!
CHANDLER (Shrugging):
Tight enough, I guess?
JACK:
Oh, get off the floor, kids. Ross is just way too good at this for you, Chandler. You'll hurt yourselves.
(Chandler and Ross look at each other, evil grins on their faces.)
BOTH:
DOGPILE!
(They jumped onto Jack, then tried to pull his shoes off, but somehow only managed to get his socks.)
ROSS:
What the hell?!
JACK:
I wear socks outside of my shoes sometimes.
(Ross and Chandler, red-faced, lounged back onto the couch as they turned wrestling back on. Soon the girls came back home.)
JUDY:
How was your afternoon, boys?
MONICA:
Looks like it was quite a work-out to me.
RACHEL:
Yeah. What did you three do?
(The boys all laughed, but soon Monica cried out.)
ROSS:
Mon, what's wrong?
MONICA:
I think I'm going into labor!
CHANDLER:
But—but that's not possible! We only just found out that it's a girl! It's too soon!
MONICA:
The baby doesn't think so!
JUDY:
It's okay, Monica. It's probably just false labor. I got this with you and Ross.
(Monica nods and sits down on the couch.)
CHANDLER:
I'll call the hospital just in case, to make sure that everything is okay. Ross, can you get the book?
(Ross nods, then grabs the holy bible.)
RACHEL:
What good will this do?!
ROSS:
He didn't say which book!
(Everyone in a frenzy, only Judy stayed calm, trying to help Monica keep herself relaxed during this false labor.)
(HALF AN HOUR LATER. THEY ARE ALL AT THE HOSPITAL, MONICA IN THE BED AND CHANDLER AND JUDY BESIDE HER. EVERYONE ELSE IS WAITING IN THE WAITING ROOM, SIPPING THEIR COFFEE AND ICE WATER NERVOUSLY.)
JUDY (Coming out of the room):
Everything is okay.
ROSS:
Oh, thank God!
JUDY:
It was false labor, like I had guessed. Everything is going okay now, and the doctor is just telling Monica and Chandler how to know the difference between real and false.
JACK:
Good to hear. We were freaking out out here!
RACHEL:
Yeah! It was like a bomb went off!
(A few minutes later Monica and Chandler come out of the room.)
MONICA:
Hi guys.
CHANDLER:
Hey.
(Ross and Rachel hug Monica.)
ROSS:
We were so worried! It's a miracle that it wasn't real labor.
CHANDLER (Nodding):
We got these cute pamphlets now and a nice speech from the doctor about how to know when it's real and false. We shouldn't have any more scares.
MONICA:
Thankfully.
(Mondler kisses and they head out the door, everyone safe and everything returned to normal. For now.)
-Janurary 1989-
(Monica and Chandler went to the baby store to look for clothes and toys, because they had a 50% off of everything deal. They decided that it would be the best way to get the most for their baby.)
(While Chandler is looking at all of the tiny robots and aliens, Monica is looking at the rattles.)
Monica: Chandler! Come here!
(Chandler came over and Monica held up a shiny rainbow rattle with clouds all over it.)
Monica: Oh, isn't it perfect?
(Chandler nodded, smiling)
Chandler: I love it, Mon. I think that's the perfect rattle for our baby. Wait! Wow! They have a "Space Invaders" one!
(Monica laughed.)
Monica: We can get that one too.
(Chandler smiled hugely and they put both of the rattles into the basket.)
Monica: Now where are those plushies you were looking at? Our baby is going to need some stuffed animals to sleep with.
Chandler: And play with!
(Monica smiled and Chandler showed her to a few isles over, where there were two whole isles of stuffed animals to choose from. They had teddy bears, aliens, and even little cookies and ice cream.)
Monica: Oh, look at the Girl Scout cookie ones!
(She pointed to a gift set of cookie stuffed toys, which looked like the Girl Scout cookie characters.)
Chandler: Oh! Do-Si-Do is cute.
Monica: I like Thin Mint. He has a pretty sash.
Chandler: We should get that set, Mon. Our baby would love it.
(Monica looked at the price tag. It was much too expensive, even 50% off.)
Monica: We can't afford it.
(Chandler sighed.)
Chandler: That's okay. There are plenty of other good ones.
(As soon as Monica turned her back, Chandler grabbed a Girl Scout Cookie gift set and placed it into their basket underneath two onesies. He had brought some of his old high school savings just in case this happened. He planned to surprise her with them later.)
Monica: Chandler! Look!
(Monica held up a little yellow teddy bear with a purple ribbon around its neck and another on each ear.)
Chandler: Oh, that's perfect! And look! E.T.!
(Chandler held up an E.T. plush and Monica laughed. She looked at the price on it and then smiled.)
Monica: Get it. If anything, it'll be a laugh when they get older.
(Monica turned to put her teddy bear back onto the shelf. Chandler watched her.)
Chandler: I'll only get E.T. if you get the yellow teddy.
(He looked at its place on the shelf.)
Chandler: And the matching blue bunny.
(Monica smiled bigger than he had ever seen, then planted a kiss on his lips and hugged him.)
Monica: I love you, Chandler.
Chandler: I love you too, Mon.
(After a happy moment, Monica pulled out of the hug and grabbed both the bunny and the bear, then picked up E.T. and placed him into the basket next to them.)
Monica: Do we need anything else?
Chandler: Well we're going to get the crib and furniture stuff later we decided, so no, I don't think so.
Monica: Okay. Let's go pay.
(Chandler smiled secretively, then pointed to the stroller isle.)
Chandler: Wait! Monica! We have got to get a stroller!
Monica: Oh, yeah! Let's go pick one out.
Chandler: Actually, babe, I think that you should go pick one. I'll get in line.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah. I trust you will get the best thing no matter what it is. And I'm sure that no one can pick a better stroller than you.
(Monica smiled, then kissed him on the cheek and went to pick a stroller.)
(Chandler waited for two people in line to go, then paid for the cookie plushies first. He pulled out money from his savings wallet to pay for them, and smiled. He couldn't wait to see Monica's face when she found out that he got them.)
(Monica came back right before he finished paying, then placed a stroller onto the register table. It was dark blue with smiley faces on it. Chandler smiled when she put it down.)
Chandler: I told you.
Monica: Told me what?
Chandler: That you would pick the best one in the store.
(He kissed her on the cheek, then finished paying and grabbed the bags to leave.)
-That evening-
(Monica and Chandler went to dinner at a restaurant that night. Monica's parents had given them the money, saying that they deserve a fun night out after all the work they were doing. After they finished eating, Monica suggested ordering dessert, and Chandler thought the moment was perfect.)
Chandler: Speaking of dessert. . .
(He pulled out the cookie plushy set from underneath his chair. He had snuck it down their when Monica went to use the restroom.)
Monica: Oh my God!
(Monica clapped a hand over her mouth as tears formed in her eyes.)
Monica: How did you. . .?
Chandler: I brought some of my high school savings to pay for it. Well, not that specifically, but I knew that there would be something you would really want and say was too expensive.
Monica: Oh, Chandler! That money wasn't for anything important, right?
Chandler: No. Just a car. But I figured that I'm going to live in New York anyway, and cabs are faster. And that smile you have on your face right now is worth more than a million dollars in my opinion.
(Monica smiled wide, then hugged the cookie set close to her.)
Chandler: Oh! And one more thing. . .
(Chandler reached under the chair again, and this time pulled out a tiny pair of baby shoes. They were purple with little ice cream cones on the top.)
Monica: Aww! They're so cute! When did you find these?
Chandler: They were by the checkout. It was an impulse buy.
Monica: Well it was a perfect impulse buy. Thank you, Chandler. I love you.
(She stood up, then went around the table and gave him a big kiss right on the lips, wrapping her arms around his neck. Then Chandler held a hand up to signal a waiter and they ordered dessert. Funny thing is, they ordered cookies and ice cream.)
November 1994.
[Scene: The Bings apartment. It's just Mondler, their kids and Joey there]
Monica: I'm so uncomfortable(Sets the table for dinner)
Chandler: Aww Baby. I'm so sorry, I love you(Kisses her lips softly and her large belly where he can feel their fourth child and second son kick under his lips)
Karen: I wish you were having another girl.
The Geller genetics combined with the Bing genetics, worked pretty well together leading to their kids looking gorgeous.
Monica: Don't say that, you are gonna love having another brother soon. Sweetie.
Karen: No Mom. I hate Daniel, he's mean(Frowns)
Daniel:(In the bathroom) And I hate you too.
Sophie:(Wears her pink ballerina outfit, enters the living room too) Yeah Mom why do you have to have another boy?
Joey: Ah, I remember this is how I acted when I found out Dina was a girl.
(Ross, Rachel and Phoebe enter. Phoebe is on the phone while Ross is holding a box of Chinese food in his hand)
Monica: You guys are home early, what's up with that?
Ross: Phoebe got us thrown out of the movies. She was on the phone talking to Mike in Paris(yeah the one on the show and she met him in chapter four). Well I brought home Chinese food.
Phoebe: I had to talk loud, the movie was loud!
Joey: I can talk in Paris, just gotta go to Paris.
[TIME LAPSE: The gang and kids were eating their dinner]
(The phone rings and Monica picks it up)
Monica(On the phone): Hi Daddy... Nana's in the hospital...Me, Ross and Chandler will there right away.
(Monica's just about to hang up the phone but then felt a hard kick. She then put down the phone)
Monica: It's Nana...she's in the hospital.
(Ross looks up from his food with a look of sadness and disbelief on his face)
Rachel: We can watch the kids for you guys.
(TIME LAPSE: Ross, Chandler, Monica, Jack & Judy are in the hospital waiting for the nurse to let them see Nana)
The Doctor: Only two at a time can see her.
In the room, the Geller siblings enter.
Ross: She looks so small.
Monica: I know. Bye Nana...(Bends down as much as her large belly allows her too, and kisses her grandmothers forehead)
Ross:I love you Nana(Attempts to kiss her forehead also)
Then Nana stirs a bit as Ross tries to kiss her forehead.
Ross: Oh my god!
Monica(By the door): Ross come quick.
They then run out of the room- or in Monics's case, waddles out.
The Geller parents: What just happened?
Ross: It's Nana, she's risen from dead.
Monica is still freaking out and Baby Boy Bing started kicking his mother's ribcage.
Chandler held his pregnant wife stroking her medium length raven black hair. And looked in her eyes, as blue as an ocean.
-Back in the hospital room-
The doctor: This has never happened before!
[TIME LAPSE: At the Bings and Rachel's apartment)
Phoebe: So what happened?
Chandler: Me and Mon need a moment with the kids. Can you guys go right now?
Joey: Okay suit yourself(Him, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe go to apartment #19)
Daniel: Mommy, why you are so big?
Monica: Because I'm having a baby soon. Son(Smiles and ruffles their son's sandy brown hair)
Chandler: Kids, remember when Nana got sent to a nursing home a few months ago?(They nod). Well tonight she's passed on which is why me, your mother and Uncle Ross went to the hospital with your mom's parents.
[TIME LAPSE: The next morning, at the Bings and Rachel's apartment Monica is discussing coffins with her dad.]
Mr. Geller: I was just thinking. When my time comes-
Monica: Dad!
Mr. Geller: Listen to me! When my time comes, I wanna be buried at sea.
Monica: You what?
Mr. Geller: I wanna be buried at sea, it looks like fun.
Monica: Define fun.
Mr. Geller: C'mon, you'll make a day of it! You'll rent a boat, pack a lunch...
Monica: ...And then we throw your body in the water... Gee, that does sound fun.
Mr. Geller: Everyone thinks they know me. Everyone says 'Jack Geller, so predictable'. Maybe after I'm gone, they'll say 'Buried at sea! Huh!'.
Monica: That's probably what they'll say.
Mr. Geller: I'd like that.
[Scene: Nana's house, Ross, Mrs. Geller and Aunt Lillian are going through clothes.]
Ross: I thought it was gonna be a closed casket.
Mrs. Geller: Well, that doesn't mean she can't look nice!
(They open a cupboard which, amongst other things, contains a chest of drawers)
Mrs. Geller: Sweetie, you think you can get in there?
Ross: (sarcastic) I don't see why not.
(He tries pushing against the chest of drawers. Then he opens one of the drawers and climbs into the closet using that; he falls behind the chest of drawers with a shout.)
Ross: Here's my retainer!
[Scene: At the Bings and Rachel's apartment.]
Jack: Sweetie, I just want you to know that your mother and I are really proud of you and Chandler for having such a great family together.
Monica: Thanks, Daddy. I know you two are.
Jack: And I really can't wait for this new Baby Bing to be here soon; I love it when Judy and I become grandparents.
Monica: l know, neither can I. Personally, I hope this one turns out to be a boy; Daniel's always talking about wanting a brother to play around with and honestly, I think he could really use one.(Pats her large belly)
Jack: I agree. It'd be good for the boy's masculinity to have a brother to grow up as opposed to just having sisters. Plus, having two boys and two girls really balances things out.
Monica: Yeah, that's one of the other reasons why I hope it's a boy too.
[Scene: Nana's Bedroom, Ross is holding a dress out from inside the closet.]
Ross: (holding a dress out from inside the closet) This one?
Aunt Lillian: No.
Ross: I have shown you everything we have. Unless you want your mother to spend eternity in a lemon yellow pant-suit, go with the burgundy.
Aunt Lillian: You know, whatever we pick, she would've told us it's the wrong one.
Mrs. Geller: You're right. We'll go with the burgundy.
Ross: Oh! A fine choice. I'm coming out. (Starts to climb over the furniture)
Aunt Lillian: Wait! We need shoes!
(Ross falls back inside)
Ross: Okay. Um, how about these? (Holds out a pair)
Mrs. Geller: That's really a day shoe.
Ross: And where she's going everyone else will be dressier?
Aunt Lillian: Could we see something in a slimmer heel?
Ross: (forages around) Okay, I have nothing in an evening shoe in the burgundy. I can show you something in a silver that may work.
Aunt Lillian: No, it really should be burgundy.
Mrs. Geller: Mm. Unless we go with a different dress?
Ross: No! Nonono, wait a sec. I may have something in the back.
(He finds a shoebox (out of shot), pulls it down and opens it. It is full of Sweet 'n' Lo's.)
Ross: Oh my God..
Mrs. Geller: Is everything all right, dear?
Ross: Yeah, just... just Nana stuff.
(He reaches up higher and knocks down another shoebox 'n' Lo's rain down on him)
[The Bings and Rachel's. Monica and Mr. Geller are looking at Casket Catalogs in the kitchen.]
Monica: Dad, let's just make a decision.
Mr. Geller: You're right. This is crazy. It's just going into the ground. We should just get the most basic thing.
Monica: Great! (looking at a catalog) That would be the non-protective corrugate fiberboard with white laminate. And we can't bury Nana in dresser drawer from Ikea.
Mr. Geller: See, this is why your mother buys all my clothes. I hate to shop. I hate it!
Monica: Dad, don't you think this might be more about the fact that...once you make the decision, it's like acknowledging Nana's actually gone?
Mr. Geller: No, I really hate to shop.
[Scene: The Bings and Rachel's, Chandler , Monica, Sophie, Daniel, Karen and Rachel are preparing to leave for the funeral.]
Ross: (entering) How we doing, you guys ready?
Monica: Mom already called this morning to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears are not my best feature?
Ross: Some days it's all I can think about.
Phoebe: (entering) Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my bearings.
Rachel: Oh, you-you mean your earrings?
Phoebe: What'd I say?
Joey: (entering) Morning. We ready to go?
Chandler: Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?...It's stuff like that, isn't it?
(They all leave.)
(I'm not going to write about the grave falling. It's Joey who falls down the open grave for long story short)
[Scene: At the Geller home in Long Island, Rachel's squatting over Joey, checking to see if he's injured]
Rachel: "Okay, sweetie, don't worry, I'm just checking to see if the muscle's in spasm...huh.
Joey: What, what is it?
Rachel: You missed a belt loop.
Joey: Oh! No-n-
Rachel: Okay, it's in spasm.
(Then Ross appears with a bottle of pills)
Ross: Here, buddy, my mom suggested you take these; she took 'em when she had her golfing accident.
Later on when Joey's stoned on the pills-
Rachel: Hey, look who's up! How do you feel?
Joey: I feel great. I feel- great, I fleel great.
Monica: Wow, those pills really worked, huh?
Joey: Not the first two, but the second two- woooo! ...I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love Monica... (he hugs her) I love Rach... (he kisses her on the nose)
Rachel: Ooh! That's so nice...
slurred by Joey ...Chandler! Ross!
(spoken by Chandler Hey, buddy. How ya doin'?
Ross: Yeah, ya feelin' all right?
Joey: I'm grrreat. I love you guys. (he hugs them simultaneously) And listen, guys, if you wanna bang Monica and Rachel's brains out and give 'em all the kids they want, just do it. Doesn't matter to me.
(He leaves the two men and their respective lovers gaping at him in embarrassment. Then he approaches Phoebe, who's sitting on the nice sofa.)
Joey: Phoebe. Phoebe Phoebe. (he sits down beside her) I love you the most.
(spoken by Phoebe) Oh, Joey, I love you the most too. (she's just humoring him)
(slurred by Joey) No, no, I mean I realllllly love you.
(spoken by Phoebe) And I reallllly love you. (still humoring him)
(slurred by Joey) Oh.. you don't get it! (he passes out and slumps across her)
[Scene: Mondler are away from the guests]
Chandler: Mon, you make me so happy and given me three kids with another on the way. I'm so in love with you.
Monica: And I'm so in love with you too.
(He placed his hand gently on her large belly and kissed her. Then kissed her arm.)
Ross: Eww, guys...cut it out! We've got kids here.
Rachel: And they are so in love!
Sophie/Karen/Daniel: OMG eww, Mom and Dad!
(Cut to Ross watching TV in the corner. He makes an extravagant gesture of disappointment.)
Mr. Geller: Whaddya got there Son?
Ross: (hides the TV, but he still has an earphone) Just a, uh... hearing disability Dad.
Mr. Geller: What's the score?
Ross: Seventeen-fourteen Giants... three minutes to go in the third.
Mr. Geller: Beautiful! (Turns to watch with him)
(Time lapse. A large crowd of men are now watching the game)
Phoebe: (still trapped under Joey) Rach, could you maybe hand me a cracker?
Mrs. Geller: (to Monica) Your grandmother would have hated this.
Monica: Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all.
Mrs. Geller: No, I'd be hearing about 'Why didn't I get the honey-glazed ham?', I didn't spend enough on flowers, and if I spent more she'd be saying 'Why are you wasting your money? I don't need flowers, I'm dead'.
Monica(Chuckling): That sounds like Nana.
Mrs. Geller: Do you know what it's like to grow up with someone who is critical of every single thing you say?
Monica: ...I can imagine.
Mrs. Geller: I'm telling you, it's a wonder your mother turned out to be the positive, life-affirming person that she is.
Monica: That is a wonder. So tell me something, Mom. If you had to do it all over again, I mean, if she was here right now, would you tell her?
Mrs. Geller: Tell her what?
Monica: How she drove you crazy, picking on every little detail, like your hair... for example.
Mrs. Geller: I'm not sure I know what you're getting at.
Monica: Do you think things would have been better if you'd just told her the truth?
Mrs. Geller: ...No. I think some things are better left unsaid. I think it's nicer when people just get along.
Monica: Huh.
Mrs. Geller: More iced tea, dear?
Monica: Oh, I think so. I'm one uncomfortable eight month pregnant woman.
Mrs. Geller: (reaches out to fiddle with Monica's hair again, and realizes) Those earrings look really lovely on you.
Monica: Thank you. They're yours.
Mrs. Geller: Actually they were Nana's.
(There is a cry of disappointment from the crowd of men.)
Mr. Geller: Now I'm depressed! ...(To everyone) Even more than I was.
Mrs. Geller: Sweetie, even though we don't get along you are my baby. And me and your father are so proud of how far you and Chandler have come; three grandbabies and another one coming in a month.
Monica: I know that Mom(Flashed a small smile)
Mrs. Geller: Only 6 more weeks, how are you feeling?
Monica: Uncomfterable, he kicks a lot when I try to sleep.(Rubs her large belly)
Mrs Geller: Soon he'll be out, and you & Chandler will have another son. Another handsome baby boy.
Monica: I know!
ENDING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is looking at old photos.]
Monica: Oh look this is my first grade picture. Oh, please ignore the "Dy-no-mite!" t-shirt.
Rachel: Ha-haa. Hey, who's this little naked guy?
Ross: That little naked guy would be me.
Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing.
Ross: Yes, yes, fine, that is my p...(Trails off so that the kids don't hear). Can we be grown-ups now?
Chandler: Who are those people?
Ross: Got me.
Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'.
Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there?
Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25?
Ross: Looks like a fun gang. (They all look at each other and smile)
Joey: Ooh, look-look-look-look-look! I got Monica naked!
Ross: (looking) Nono, that would be me again. I'm, uh, just trying something.
Phoebe: Whose these toddlers?
Monica: That's Karen and Daniel on their first birthday.
Rachel: Karen looks just like you Mon.
Joey: And Daniel looks like you Chandler.
December 24, 1994.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing. Joey is not there.]
Phoebe: So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman.
Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman.
(Enter Joey)
All: Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy.
Monica: So, how'd it go?
Joey: Ahhhhhh, I didn't get the job.
Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa last year.
Joey: I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager. He's not even jolly, it's all political.
Monica: So what are you gonna be?
Joey: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap in the face, y'know?
Rachel: (Into microphone) Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooh!
Phoebe: (Takes mike) Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. (Shakes bell as an introduction) (Sung:)
I made a man with eyes of coal
And a smile so bewitchin',
How was I supposed to know
That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
(shakes bell) La lalala la la la la lalala la la...
(Cut to later. Everyone is totally depressed by now.)
Phoebe: (Sung)
...My mother's ashes
Even her eyelashes
Are resting in a little yellow jar,
And sometimes when it's breezy...
Chandler: Let's get the kids from my mom, Mon.
Monica: OK.
Monica was still weak and tired from giving birth, about three days ago. But nothing's gonna stop her from making the food for the Christmas eve party they were hosting that evening.
(Exit Mondler)
[SCENE: The Bings and Rachel's apartment. Mondler brought home Baby Lucas "Luke" from the hospital, the day before]
Rachel: Aww, Luke looks just like you Chandler.
Ross: Poor Baby Luke.
Chandler: Shut up Dino Man or I can tell you all the details of how, me and Monica conceived all of our kids.
Ross: Eww, Dude, No!
(Monica was making the food for the Christmas eve party they were hosting that evening. Chandler came up and wrapped his arms around her: kissing her neck)
Chandler: Cara Mia, what are you doing? You just had a baby three days ago.
Monica: Making the food for the Christmas eve party. Mon Cherie.
(He started kissing her as she was making the food)
Ross: Eww guys...!
(Phoebe started to play with her guitar. And Luke let out a loud cry from the nursery)
Chandler: Pheebs, um can you keep that down?(Goes into the nursery and returns a minute later with Luke)
Chandler(Blows on Baby Luke's tummy): Who's Daddy's little boy.
Karen: Daddy! Daniel hit me.
Chandler: Daniel, get your ass in here!
Daniel: What?
Chandler: Did you hit Karen?
Daniel: Yeah only, because she and Uncle Joey were making fun of me.
Chandler: Oh I don't know what to do with you kids.(Feeds Baby Luke, patting his back)
Ross: Haha.
Chandler: Shut up Dino Man. You don't know how much trouble me and Mon have raising our kids.(Baby Luke then starts crying for his mom) Cara Mia, Baby Luke wants you.
(Monica picks up Baby Luke, kissing him)
Monica: How's Mama's handsome little boy?
(Luke then let out a soft cry)
Monica: Why won't you stop crying, Baby Boy?(Rocks him)
Sophie: Mommy, he's so cute! Can I hold him?
Monica: Yeah just sit down. (Hands the little baby boy to Sophie after she sat down next to her Uncle Ross at the kitchen table)
Sophie: Hi Luke. I'm your big sister Sophie...I will always have gum.
Rachel: Aww Mon, Sophie already has your love for kids and she's only five.
Monica: I know!(Goes back to cooking the food and Chandler starts to kiss her arm.)
Joey(Karen's holding on to his leg, not letting go): Woah Mon, she"s freakishly strong...like you. Well I gotta go to the mall and give the fake Santa a piece of my mind.
Chandler: Karry Sweetie, let go of Uncle Joey's legs OK?
When Sophie, was a few months old, she couldn't say 'Karen' and called her baby sister "Karry' instead. Everyone catched on with it.
Karen: Fine, Daddy!(Let's go of Joey's legs, which caused Joey to fall into the closed door.)
(Exit Joey)
Ross: Hi Luke, you look just like your dad who is ugly.
Chandler: Shut up Dino Man. One last time or I'm gonna tell you all the details of me and Monica conceived all of our kids.
Ross: Hey, you got Monica pregnant on Thanksgiving '88. So who's to talk?
(Both men sat down across from each other at the kitchen; looking mad and sheepish)
Rachel: Can you guys be grown ups for once?(Placed both hands on Ross's shoulders)
(Luke started to cry once he got placed in Rachel's arms)
Ross: Poor Baby Luke.
Chandler: Alright Dino Man, that's it. I'm telling you how I knocked up Monica on Thanksgiving 1988!
-Thanksgiving 1988-
Monica: Boy, I love carrots! Oh! (She picks up a bunch of them and holds them between her fingers.) Sometimes I like to put them between my fingers like this and-and hold them down here while I talk to you. (She is rubbing her hip with the carrots.) Umm, and-and-and y'know if I get really hot umm, I-I like to pick up this knife (She picks up a knife without putting the box down. She's holding the box between her cheek and shoulder) and-and umm, I-I put the cold steal against umm, (Pause) my body. (She doesn't have any exposed skin within reach of the knife, so while holding the carrots in one hand and the box between her face and shoulder, she rubs the knife on her stomach.)
Chandler: Are you all right?
Monica: Oh yeah, of course. I'm fine it's just that—(She drops the box and in a reflex action tries to catch it with her arm, the knife slips out and slowly flips through the air and comes point first down into Chandler's shoe.
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler has been rushed to the emergency room.]
The Doctor: What do we got here?
The Paramedic: Nineteen year old has got a severed toe on his right foot.
(They go through the doors into the trauma room, opening them by ramming the gurney through them, only Chandler's foot is hanging off the end and he screams in pain.)
Ross: Can you please not do that feet first? You know where his injury is! Severed toe, you just said it!
The Doctor: It says here that the knife went right through your shoe.
Mr. Geller: Of course it did. They're made of wicker.
The Doctor: Did you bring the toe?
Monica: Oh yes! I have it right here, on ice! (She takes a bag of ice out of her purse and hands it to the doctor.)
Chandler: Toes On Ice! Coming soon to Madison Square Garden.
Ross: Save your strength man!
The Doctor: (opening it) Don't worry son, we'll just attach it and—(Stops suddenly.)
Monica: What?! What is it?
The Doctor: You brought a carrot.
Chandler: What?
The Doctor: This isn't your toe, this is a small, very cold piece of carrot.
Rachel: You brought a carrot?!
Mrs. Geller: Oh my God! There's a toe in my kitchen.
Monica: God, I'm sorry! I'll go back and get it!
The Doctor: It's too late, all we can do now is sow up the wound.
Chandler: Without my toe?! I need my toe!
Monica: Wait, no-no-no, I can go really fast! Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche!
Mr. Geller: I'm not falling for that one!
[Scene: The Geller home. Ross and Rachel are holding Chandler up]
Ross: You ok Buddy?
(Chandler shaked his head)
Rachel: We should bring him up to the guest room. So that he can get his rest.
(Ross and Rachel then carry Chandler upstairs into the guest room)
12am.
Monica: Hey there Buggerface.
Chander: Hi.
Monica: Listen I came into here to apologize. Not just because Ross and my parents made me, because I really wanted to.(Rests her head on his chest)
Chandler: I accept. Mon?
Monica: Ya?"
Chandler: I wanna hold you in my arms, kiss you and make love to you.
(Pushes his lips up to hers)
Monica: Bedroom?
(He nods and they go into her bedroom)
[SCENE: Monica's bedroom]
In the bedroom, Chandler started to rip off Monica's pj shirt then played with the clasp of her bra.
He pulled her pj pants down.
They were undressing each other and he forced himself in her.
Chandler: Am I hurting you Mon?
Chandler knew Monica was still a virgin, he couldn't bring himself to hurt her.
(Imagines Ross' angry face)
Monica: No no(Started to cry a bit)
Chandler: Baby just tell me, am I hurting you?
Monica: I don't care. I need you so badly. I want to have my first time with you.
Chandler: Okay, Mon.
(Makes love to her as gentle and careful as possible)
Afterwards, Monica lay in Chandlers arms.
Chandler: Did I hurt you Mon?
Monica: No you were amazing. I love you.
Chandler: I love you too Mon.(Kissed her hand then her lips)
She looked at her naked body then at his: she can't believe she is a woman now.
They had sex, she gave her flower to him.
The Geller home at AM time.
[SCENE: Monica's bedroom at AM]
(Monica turned over and saw Chandler in her bed. Then looked at her naked body and back at his)
Chandler:(Saw who's bed he was in) Oh my god! I slept with Ross' little sister. I took Ross' little sister's virginity.
Monica: Chandler, Chandler calm down.
Chandler: OK. I still can't believe this though.
Monica: Let's get dressed and pretend this have never happened.
(Instantly found her pj shirt and pants. About to put it on)
Monica: Could you not look?
Chandler: Maybe, I don't wanna look.
(He found his clothes too finding it: putting it on)
Chandler: I'm going back into the guest room. Love you.
(Kisses Monica's forehead then going back into the Geller's guest room)
Monica was staring at the dark bedroom celling, watching the sky light up.
Trying to wish the pain away.
Then fell back asleep and before she knew it; is was morning time.
Ross: Mon, wake-up, it's breakfast time!
Monica: OK, gimme a second. Will ya?
(Back to the present day)
Ross: Eww Dude!(Covers his ears immediately. Groaning in disgust)
Chandler: Told ya so(Kisses up Monica's arm)
[SCENE: The Bings and Rachel's apartment. The Christmas eve party is going underway]
(The door opens. Joey is standing there. His Santa coat is muddy and torn, his hair is disheveled and his face is bruised. Everyone turns to look)
Monica: Oh my gosh! Joey, honey.. are you okay? Where-where's everyone?
Joey: Berlin. They missed their flights.
Joey: No. Okay. I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocketbook- starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts- starts pulling me out by my hair! So I'm blowing my attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show up, and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles me. The I hit my head on the curb and cut my lip on my whistle... And then all these kids started attacking me. Oh...everybody having fun at the party? (To Monica) Are people eating my dip?
[Sophie's Room. Phoebe and Monica are watching Joey put on make up in the vanity mirror.]
Joey:. K, that looks ok don't it?
Phoebe: You…umm…went a little wide on the lip.
Joey: Oh! Right there?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Joey:It's hard for me to tell. My eye's closing up.
Monica: Let me get it for ya. (pencils in on his lip) Ok.
Joey: All right. (winces in pain)
Monica: You know what? You look fine.
Joey: Ok here we go! Screw those mischievous kids. Screw that psycho cab lady. It's Christmas Eve. Let's have a good time.
Monica: Yes! Ok. (Phoebe exits)
Joey: Ok, here we go! (gets up)
Monica: Ok. All right there you go. (Joey walks the wrong way.) No this way. You're fine. There you go. And change out of this Santa costume.
Joey: OK.
Monica: Well I hear Luke crying. I'm gonna tend to him.
(Exit Monica)
[SCENE: The nursery where Luke is]
Monica: Hi, Baby Boy.
(The little baby boy starts to cry when his Mother picks him up)
Monica: Please don't cry, Baby Boy. It's me- Mommy. See?
(Luke calms down)
Monica: Oh my god, you are such a handsome baby boy. You look just like Daddy and Danny, Baby Boy.
ENDING CREDITS.
[SCENE: Mondler's bedroom. They are cuddling]
Chandler: I love you so much, Mon.
(Starts to kiss her)
Monica: Oh, I see where this is going. We can't do it for another 5 weeks. The Doctors orders. And doing it with you, got me into this...again.
Chandler: How can I help it when I've got an extremely gorgeous wife?
Monica: I love you HubbyKins.
(Rested her head on his chest)
-October 1994-
Monica lay in Chandler's arms staring at their dark bedroom celling.
Worried about her due date in seven weeks, Chandler woke up kissing her neck.
"Hun I was thinking about the one weekend before christmas eve 1988, me and Rachel came to your and Ross' dorm party. We had recently started to date secretly: only Rachel knew and a few days after that I found out we were expecting Sophie" Monica snuggled up close to him.
"Oh yeah our before-christmas love" Chandler grinned then proceeded to make love to his pregnant wife again, that night playing vividly in his mind.
{December 19, 1988. 7pm. The dorm party at the college in NYU. Let's say Joey goes there too and shared a dorm with the guys}
Chandler made sure nobody was looking; especially Ross then pushed Monica up to a wall.
His hands roamed up and down her body as he starts to kiss her hungrily, "Mmm this must be some party goin' on here" Monica let a soft moan out.
"Let's go to a bedroom before Ross and everybody see us" Chandler picked her up and carried her into someone's vacant bedroom.
In the bedroom, Chandler placed Monica on the bed and started to kiss her.
He then moved down her neck with kisses, then started to undress her until she was just in her undies and she undressed him until he was the same level of clad.
"Mon you okay doing this here?" Chandler asked, Monica nodded then he positioned himself on her.
He pulled down the last of her clothing and she wiggled out of it panting, leaving her completely naked underneath him.
"Screw-" Chandler muttered, him and Monica go back to their thing but then they hear the door open and someone gasped.
"OMG! Lock the door before you fuck!" Will closed the door.
Back to the present day...
"Oh I remember Ross' fat ass friend walked in on us doing it" Chandler grinned.
"That was one crazy night" Monica snuggled closer to him.
"I love you" he placed soft kiss on her lips.
The next morning Joey entered the coffee house and handed Ross a thin white box.
"What is this?" Ross asked eyeing the box.
"Just open it dude" Joey poked his shoulder.
Ross opened it revealing four hockey tickets.
"They are for you, me, Chandler and Daniel tonight as your birthday present." Joey told him.
Phoebe then woke up, Rachel asked "Pheebs you okay?"
"Yeah but my grandma's got a boyfriend now and they...they keep me up all night" Phoebe explained as Joey handed her a cup of coffee and wrapped his arm around her in a friendly but secretly romantic way.
"Me, Rach and the girls decided we'd have a girls night on this evening, y'know before Baby Boy Bing comes in a few weeks" Monica stated then added "So Pheebs you wanna come spend the night with us on tonight?"
"That'll be great" Phoebe replied and fell asleep on Joey's lap.
"Hun can you be my servant and get me a muffin?" Monica asked her husband.
"Sure thing Babe" Chandler then gave Monica a long romantic kiss before going to the counter.
"Eww, Guys! Get a room" Ross exclaimed grossed out.
"Oh my they love each other so much" Rachel gushed.
(They all get their wallets out and give generous tips.)
Guys: Hockey! (They go to leave but are blocked by three of Rachel's friends, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne. The guys pause to stare at them.) Hockey! Hockey. (The guys.)
Leslie: (looking around) Rachel?
Rachel: Oh my God! (Rachel, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne all scream and hug each other.
Monica: (to Phoebe) I swear I've seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom.
Rachel: What are you guys doing here?
Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true!
Joanne: Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play.
Rachel: (to a pregnant Leslie) Look at you, you are so big I can't believe it!
Leslie: I know. I know! I'm a duplex.
Rachel: (to Joanne) So what's going on with you?
Joanne: Well, guess who my dad's making partner in his firm? (She points to herself and they all scream again.)
Kiki: And while we're on the subject of news.. (She holds up here finger to show off her engagement ring and they all scream again.)
Phoebe: (to Monica) Look, look, I have elbows! (They scream.)
Rachel: How come all my friends are either pregnant, engaged or getting promoted? And I have none of those things.
Monica: Don't worry. You will get those things.
Rachel: Oh what are you talking about? You and Chandler have three kids and you are pregnant again. I have none of that stuff(starts to cry)
[Scene: A Street, Chandler and Joey are kicking a can to each other. Daniel is with them too]
Chandler: ...Poulet passes it up to Leetch! (Passes it to Joey.)
Joey: Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there's the pass! (He kicks it to Ross, but Ross is staring into a shop window.)
Chandler: We'll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes.
Ross: Carol was wearing boots just like those the night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she never took'em off, 'cause we-we- (off Chandler's look) Sorry. Sorry.
(They walk on. Chandler and Joey start to talk but Ross stops and whines.)
Joey: What?
Ross: Peach pit.
Chandler: Yes, Bunny?
Ross: (points) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had-
Joey: -Peaches?
Ross: Actually, nectarines, but basically...
Chandler: (to Joey) Could've been a peach.
Ross: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I walked her to the- (looks up, realises, and points) -the bus stop... I'm fine.
Joey: Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's! (They turn to stare at him.) What? Thought we were trying to find stuff.
Chandler: Hey enough with the language. We have a young man in here.(Covered Daniel's ears)
Daniel: Daddy I'm fine.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Lesile, Kiki, and Joanne are talking.]
Rachel: So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt!
Kiki: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the altar!
Joanne: Alright. Let's talk reality for a second.
Rachel: Okay.
Joanne: When are you coming home?
Rachel: What? Guys, I'm not.
Joanne: C'mon, this is us.
Rachel: I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job-
Kiki: Waitressing?
Rachel: Okay I'm not just waitressing. I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies.
Leslie: Well. Your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies.
Monica and Phoebe are watching them...
"Oww!" Monica gasped.
"Mon you okay?" Phoebe asked.
"Ya. Baby Boy Bing's jostling my insides" Monica answers.
[Scene: Chandler, Monica, Rachel and the kids. Monica and the girls are in pajamas and Monica is making something in the blender as Rachel enters.]
Monica: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends? (She and Phoebe scream.) Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death Punch? (She pours the contents of the blender into some glasses.)
Rachel: What's that?
Monica: Weeeell, it's rum, and- but no rum for me.(she pats her large belly)
Rachel: Okay. (Grabs the blender and starts to drink.)
Monica: We thought since Phoebe was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we gotTwister... (The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy!
Monica: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want.
Monica: (on phone) Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? (Listens) Yes, hold on. (To Rachel) Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account.
Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks!
Monica: That is the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay.
Rachel: They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay?
Monica: (pauses then on the phone) Uh- Rachel has left the building, can you call back?
Rachel: Alright, c'mon! (Miserably) Let's play Twister!
Sophie: Yay Mommy you have Twister.
Phoebe: I brought Operation but I lost the tweezers so we can't operate girls(she told C/M's girls)
Karen: Aww bummer! But I have Candy Land.
[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are trying to find their seats.]
Ross: (squeezing past people) Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh.
Chandler: What? There was ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans?
Ross: No, actually I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that night... It was the first frost...
Joey: C'mon, sit. Just sit down, sit.
Daniel: I want nachos Daddy.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, they're all hanging out in the living room.]
Monica: You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing!
Rachel: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what?
Phoebe: You are just like Jack.
Rachel: ...Jack from downstairs?
Phoebe: No, Jack and the Beanstalk.
Monica: Ah, the other Jack.
Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village..
Rachel: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't love him-
Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.
Rachel: But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kinda like...
Phoebe: Floopy?
Rachel: Yeah.
Monica: So what, you're not the only one. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy.
Phoebe: Oh, like that's a word.
Rachel: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it doesn't come together?
Monica: ...Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh, well... 'cause... you just... I don't like this question.
Rachel: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are.. beans?
[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are watching the game.]
Ross: Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal!
Chandler: (to Ross) See buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.
Ross: Pass it! Pass it!
Chandler: He's open!
All: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
(The player shoots and the puck flies off the rink and hits Ross in the face. Chandler looks concered until he notices...)
Chandler: Hey, look, we're on that TV thing!
(Chandler and Joey hold the puck and wave at the TV thing.)
[Scene: An Emergency Room, Chandler and Joey are leading Ross in.]
Chandler: (to the receptionist)'Scuse me.
Receptionist: (holds up her hand—she is on the phone) It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not completely satisfied.
Chandler: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room. (The receptionist glares at him.)
Receptionist: (on phone) Hold on. (To Chandler) Fill these out, sit over there. (Tosses him some forms.)
Ross: (jumping to his feet) Look, I don't wanna make any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is dented.
Receptionist: Well, you'll have to wait your turn.
Joey: Well, how long do you think it'll be?
Receptionist: (sarcastic) Any minute now.
Ross: Hey, this- (she gives him a look and the guys back off) Heyy...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the slumber party continues.]
Rachel: I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to bring you down.
Monica: No, you were right. I don't have a plan. (There's a knock on the door.)
Pizza Guy: (yelling from outside) Pizza guy!
Rachel: Thank God. Food. (She goes to answer the door.)
Monica: Phoebe?
Phoebe: What?
Monica: Do you have a plan?
Phoebe: I don't even have a 'pl'.
Pizza Guy: Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green pepper and onion?
Rachel: (miserably) No, no, that's not what we ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese.
Pizza Guy: Wait, you're not ' ?' Man, my dad's gonna kill me!
Monica: (walking off of the couch and waddles up) Wait! Did you say ' ?'
Pizza Guy: Yeah. This one goes across the street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead!
Monica: Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks?
Pizza Guy: Yeah, that sounds about right.
Monica: Was he wearing a stunning blue suit?
Phoebe: And-and a power tie?
Pizza Guy: No, pretty much just a towel.
Monica: (staggered) Oh God.
Pizza Guy: So you guys want me to take this back?
Monica: Are you nuts?! We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some binoculars, and runs to the window.)
Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus?
Phoebe: Big Bird's friend.
Monica: I see pizza!
Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (She runs up and takes the binoculars.)
Rachel: Hello? Who are we spying on?
Monica: White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?
Phoebe: Mon don't you remember you are pregnant and married to Chandler?"
Monica(looks at her wedding ring then back at her and Chandler's daughtersl
Rachel: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him!
Phoebe: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman.
Monica: Please tell me it's his mother.
Phoebe: Definitely not his mother.
Monica: Oh, no...
Phoebe: Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- (Yelling) Hey, that's not for you, bitch! (Phoebe covers her mouth with her hand)
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Joey is miming hockey pucks kitting foreheads. Chandler realises it's getting tense and goes to the receptionist again.]
Chandler: Excuse me, look, we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? (She slides the gladd panel over and Chandler talks through it in a loud voice.) Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know we both said some things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other. (To the waiting room.) Y'know, I feel like I've lost her.. (She slides the panel back, he turns, and it takes him by surprise.) Ba-!
Daniel: Daddy!
Scene: The Bings and Rachel's, the girls are all out on the balcony.]
Sophie: Mommy?
Monica: Yeah, Girly girl?
Sophie: I have a crush on Kermit the frog.
Phoebe(laughing): And I had a crush on Elmo.
Karen: I like Joey.
(Phoebe looked at Karen angrily, when she said she liked the same Joey Pheebs had a crush on)
Rachel: Aww that's so cute!
Monica: Sweetie you are only four. But I think it's so cute you like him.
(Phoebe breathed a sign of relief)
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is still going on about his first night with Carol. C/M's son Daniel watches the news]
Ross: I remember the moonlight coming through the window- and her face had the most incredible glow.
Chandler: Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here, please?
Joey: He's right, enough, already. What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her for seven years after that.
Ross: Look, it's just a little more complicated...
Chandler: Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women?
Ross: Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you...
Chandler: Then what?
Ross: My first time with Carol was... (He mumbles the last part)
Joey: What?
Ross: It was my first time.
Joey: With Carol? (Ross gives him a look.) Oh.
Chandler: So in your whole life, you've only been with one—(He gets a look too)—oh.
Joey: Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! There was a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight!
[A few minutes later. Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is absent.]
Joey: Man. Can you believe he's only had sex with one woman?
Chandler: I think it's great. Y'know, it's sweet, it's romantic...
Joey: Really?
Chandler: No, you kidding? The guy's a freak.. (Ross enters off camera)
Both: Hey, buddy.
Ross: Hi. (He is wearing a piece of steel bandaged to his nose. He tosses some forms onto reception desk.)
Receptionist: (sarcastic) Oh, that's attractive.
Chandler: Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight.
Ross: Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's my puck?
Joey: Oh, ah- the kid has it.
Ross: The kid...? (To the kid) Excuse me, uh, that's, that's my puck.
Kid: I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers. (Ross looks at Chandler for help.)
Chandler: You gotta do it, man.
Ross: (to the kid) Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever—(to Chandler)—can't do it. (to the kid) Listen, uh- gimme back my puck.
Kid: No.
Ross: 'Yes', how about. C'mere. Gimme!
Kid: No! No! (They start to fight over it.)
Receptionist: Hey! Hey! No rough holding in my ER!
Ross: (tries to snatch it from the kid) GIVE ME MY PUCK! (but it files out of his grasp and knocks out the receptionist)
Ross: ...Now that was fun.
[Scene: The Bings and Rachel's, Joey and the girls are playing twister.]
Ross: (Doing the spinning) Okay, Monica: Right foot red.
Monica: Could've played Monopoly, but nooooo.
(There's a knock on the door, Chandler opens it, and silently hands back the cushion.)
Chandler: Thanks. (The guy nods and leaves)
Ross: Okay, Pheebs: Right hand blue. (Phoebe has to bend over.)Good. (Joey stares at her butt appreciatively)
(The phone rings and Chandler answers it.)
Chandler: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take my place?
Chandler: Alright. (on phone) Yes, this is Rachel.
Rachel: Nooo! (She grabs the phone and Chandler takes her place on the mat.) (On phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven't been using it much. (Listens) Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really.
Ross: Green. To the green.
Rachel: (on phone) I've got magic beans. (Listens) Never-never mind.
Chandler: To the left, to the left- aww! (They all collapse)
Rachel: (on phone) Ohhh... I'm fine.
Chandler: Babe what are you doing? You are almost eigth months pregnant(and pulls up his wife who is on her toes playing Twister.)
Monica: Hun we are fine.
Chandler: I just wanted to make sure you two were okay.(Kissed up her arm then her large belly)
The gang is watching Joey's act of 'Freud!' right now and C/M's kids are with her parents.
(The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is talking to a female patient.)
Joey: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and dance number.)
All you want is a dingle,
What you envy's a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle,
Or play with, or simply let hang...
Afterwards Joey asks "So how did you guys think of it?"
"I must say Joe...it was quite interesting" Rachel responded sarcasitally.
"Did you and the baby like it Mon?" Joey questions his pregnant friend.
"If you say Baby Boy Bing kicking me in the ribs like crazy; well then yes" Monica answers looking at a playboy.
"Hi Baby Boy are you hurting Mommy? If so please don't, we love you so much" Chandler asks the baby.
"Aww I love you two as a couple and your kids are so cute" Phoebe gushes.
"Gotta love Mondler" Ross invents a couple name for the five year married couple.
Back at the coffee house that evening, the six friends are relaxing on the orange couch- still in their fancy clothes.
Joey gets off the phone and wraps his arm around Phoebe(they both have mutal crushes on each other).
"So what'd they say?" Ross asks.
"Estelle was a bitch at first but then she got me a job as Al Pachino's...butt double!" Joey says the last part enthusiastically.
"Wha- you got a job as Al Pachino's second ass?" Rachel is in disbelief.
"This is the first time I've ever seen Joey get the part of someones second ass" Chandler made a quip as his hand is on Monica's large baby bump.
Everybody says that Monica is so big she's gonna pop any second from now.
"Okay let's stop talking about asses now!" Monica shuts them all up and then her cell starts ringing.
She looks at it and says to her husband of five years, "Hun look my mom sent a pic of the kids sleeping. We should just let them stay there for the night"
That evening in C/M's bedroom, Chandler closes the door and sighs to find Monica on their bed waiting for him. She looking even more beautiful and radiant while pregnant with their forth child and second son.
She wraps her arms around him and then they melt in a heated kiss.
"We are alone, no kids this evening and Rachel is out with the others...I guess we can" Chandler starts breaking the kiss.
"No time for that" Monica cuts him off by unbuttoning his shirt.
"Mon you wanna do this right now. I don't wanna hurt you and Baby Boy Bing" he asks unzipping her dress.
"Positive. Now make love to me" She smiled as he slids on her gently removing her clothing and they start making out.
The morning after Monica lay in Chandler's arms watching him sleep so soundly.
He woke up kissing her saying "Cara Mia", "I love you so much. Make love to me again" she responds.
"As you wish" he grinned and starts to kiss her neck sliding his hand up her back. Then starts to make love to her again.
Three hours later Joey is in the apartment rummaging in the fridge for food.
C/M come out of the bedroom and ask "Joey what the hell are you doing?".
"JOEY WANT FOOD" Joey bit into a cheese doodle going all into Monica's face and orange specks flying onto her embarrassing maternity gown.
"Hey Macho man take it easy there" Monica does the middle finger with her wedding ring on.
"Dude why the hell are you freaking doing in our kitchen right now" Chandler longs for an answer.
"I get nervous when I have to go to an audition that day so I eat" Joey chewed a slice of pizza.
"Oh my Joe you are gonna get the part" they hug him.
"Really" Joey asks.
"Yeah you just need to get a job where you are Tom Cruse's third ass the next time" Chandler retored.
Joey gives him the finger.
The next evening...
[Scene: The Bings and Rachel's, Rachel is there as enter except Joey enter.]
Rachel: Tah-daaah!
Chandler: Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that.
Rachel: Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the floors... I even used all the attachments on the vacuum, except that little round one with the bristles, I don't know what that's for.
Ross: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask.
Rachel: Well, whaddya think?
All: Very clean! It looks great! Terrific!
Monica: ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman.
All: Uh-oh...
Monica: How-how did that happen?
Rachel: I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table.
Monica: Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know what? Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot. (She moves it.) Alright, just to compare. Let's see. Well, it looks good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while.
Phoebe: (to Rachel) I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman.
Chandler: Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out.
Monica: You guys, I am not that bad!
Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you? You were like, a little, y'know, (psycho) Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
Monica: That is so unfair!
Ross: Oh c'mon! When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy!
Monica: Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organized. But hey, I can be a kook.
Ross: Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.
Monica: Why not?
Ross: Because you're a kook! Instead you wait until they send you a notice.
Monica: I could do that.
Rachel: Okay, uh, you let me go grocery shopping…
Monica: (interrupts) No problem!
Rachel: I'm not done yet! And I buy laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the easy-pour spout.
Monica: Why would someone do that?! ...One might wonder. K, I would be fine with that.
Chandler: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood...
Monica: STOP IT! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I?
Ross: Monica? You're Mom.
(Monica gasps.)
Phoebe: Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
Chandler: And Mon our kids have your drive to be the best at everything already. I'm sure Baby Boy Bing will too.(Rubs her large belly and winking at her seductively)
Monica: Can't help but agree with that one and especially after amazing nights of sex I have with my husband(she runs her hand up his chest)
Rachel: Mon!
Ross: Yeah Mon we don't need to hear about your and Chandler's sex life.
Monica: Shut up Ross! You are only saying that because you never had a marriage like mine and Chandler's with Carol.
Ross: Hey! It's not my fault Carol was a lesbian.
Joey then enters back from the balcony...
Phoebe: How'd it go?
Joey: That was Estelle. She said I didn't get the part.
Ross: Why Joe? You were great at it.
Joey then starts to tell them about what happened at the audition...
[Scene: A Film Set, Joey is waiting to do the scene. A crew member passes by him.]
Joey: Could you see if they could warm it up in here? I'm a little concerned about goose bumps.
Director: Okay, everybody ready?
Joey: (enters the shower) Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great opportunity. Look I mean, listen, I know this is just a first step but I hope this…
Director: (interrupts) Lose the robe.
Joey: Me?
Director: That would work.
Joey: Right. Okay. Losing the robe. (He takes off the robe.) And the robe is lost.
Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower starts).. and... action.
(Joey starts to the shower with a grim, determined look on his face.)
Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?
Joey: Well, I'm- I'm showering.
Director: No, that was clenching.
Joey: Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, y'know? I mean, his wife's dead, his brother's missing... I think his butt would be angry here.
Director: I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action...and cut. What was that?
Joey: I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have to ask..
Back to the present day...
"You should looking for an audition for Tom Cruise's third ass" Chandler suggested.
"Shut up" Joey gave him a death glare.
[Scene: C/M's Bedroom, she's lying in bed wide awake.]
Monica: (hums for a while, then gives up, and in her head) If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don't do this. This is stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'm gonna go get them...But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back! ...I need help! (She buries her head in her pillow.)
Monica: Baby Boy Bing's a kicker. The kids were pretty active when they were still in me. Chandler's a pretty active guy so no kidding they are super active. I can't sleep, with him kicking my ribcage!
-November 1994.
Monica is sitting in Central Perk with her kids.
Rachel: Everybody? Shh, shhh. Uhhh... Central Perk is proud to present the music of Miss Phoebe Buffay.
(applause)
Phoebe: Hi. Um, I want to start with a song thats about that moment when you suddenly realize what life is all about. OK, here we go. (plays a chord, then the lights go out) OK, thank you very much.
[Scene: The ATM vestibule of a bank, Chandler is inside. The lights go out, and he realizes he is trapped inside.]
Chandler: Oh, great. This is just...
(Chandler sees that there is a gorgeous model inside the vestibule with him. He makes a gesture of quiet exuberance.)
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone with her mother. Phoebe, Rachel, and Ross are there.]
Rachel: Wow, this is so cool, you guys. The entire city is blacked out!
Monica: Mom says it's all of Manhattan, parts of Brooklyn and Queens, and they have no idea when it's coming back on. Luckily the I just put the kids down
Rachel: Wow, you guys, this is big.
Phoebe: Can I borrow the phone? I want to call my apartment and check on my grandma. (to Monica) What's my number?
(Monica and Rachel look at Phoebe strangely.)
Phoebe: Well, I never call me.
[Scene: ATM vestibule, Jill Goodacre is on the cellular phone. Chandler's thoughts are in italics.]
Chandler: Oh my God, it's her..that Victoria's Secret model. Something... something Goodacre.
Jill: (on phone) Hi Mom, it's Jill.
Chandler: She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (pause) Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot!
Jill: (on phone) Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just stuck at the bank, in an ATM vestibule.
Chandler: Jill says vestibule... I'm going with vestibule.
Jill: (on phone) I'm fine. No, I'm not alone... I don't know, some guy.
Chandler: Oh! Some guy. Some guy. 'Hey Jill, I saw you with some guy last night. Yes, he was some guy. Monica is going to kill me.
(Chandler strides proudly, then shudders at the thought of angry Monica across the vestibule and Jill stares at him.)
[Scene: Monica's apartment, Joey enters with a menorah, the candles lit.]
Joey: Hi everyone.
Ross: And officiating at tonight's blackout, is Rabbi Tribbiani.
Monica: Sophie loves Hannukah. If she saw this we would have to buy her presents.
Phoebe: (at window) Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.
(They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in pain.)
Rachel: That had to hurt!
[Scene: ATM vestibule.]
Chandler: Alright, alright, alright. It's been fourteen and a half minutes and you still have not said one word. Oh God, do something. Just make contact, smile!
(Chandler smiles at her, she smiles back sweetly.)
Chandler: There you go!
(He continues to smile like an idiot, and she looks frightened.)
Chandler: You're definitely scaring her. And you're married what is wrong with me?
(Jill's phone rings and she answers it)
Jill: Hello. Oh, hi, Mom. (listens) Mom, Mom, you're tripping. Dexter's a dog. The blackout is scaring him. You'd pee in dad's shoes too if you didn't know what was going on. All right call me back. (Hangs up) (To Chandler) Mothers!
Chandler: Yeah! That a boy, a word. That wasn't so hard. "Mothers", "Yeah" "Mothers", "Yeah". Work it. (Smiles again at Jill) Don't smile!
Jill: (awkwardly) Would you like to call somebody? (offering phone)
Chandler: Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. Yeah, thanks. (takes phone)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The phone rings; it's Chandler.]
Monica: Hello?
Chandler: Hey, it's me.
Monica: Hi Honey, Are you OK?
Chandler: Yeah, I'm fine. How are you? (trying to cover up what he is saying) I'm trppd in an ATM vstbl wth Jll Gdcr.
Monica: I'm fine the kids are asleep everyone is at our place. What?
Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth Jll Gdcr!
Monica: I have no idea what you just said.
Chandler: (angry) Put Joey on the phone.
Joey: What's up man?
Chandler: I'm trppd... in an ATM vstbl... wth JLL GDCR.
Joey: (to everyone) Oh my God! He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! (on phone)
Monica: He better not let anything happen with her
Joey: Chandler, listen. (says something intentionally garbled)
Chandler: Yeah, like that thought never entered my mind.
(Monica takes the phone back)
Monica: I am here with your three children and walking around with your fourth. If ANYTHING happens you are a dead man.
Chandler: Ma'am yes ma'am.
[Scene: The Bings and Rachel's, time has passed. The five are sitting around the coffee table talking.]
Rachel: Alright, somebody.
Monica: OK, I'll go. OK, senior year of college... on a pool table. With chandler.
All: Whoooaa!
Ross: That's my sister. And my best friend
Joey: OK... my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City public library.
Monica: Oh my God! What were you doing in a library?
Ross: Pheebs, what about you?
Phoebe: Oh... Milwaukee.
Rachel: Um... Ross?
Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All.'
All: No way!
Ross: The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical Dutch children... then they fixed the ride, and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
Phoebe: Oh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go!
All: Come on.
Rachel: Oh, alright. The weirdest place would have to be... (sigh)... oh, the foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back.
Joey: We have a winner!
[Cuts over to Ross and Rachel are talking, Joey is on the couch, and Monica and Phoebe are out of the room.]
Rachel: I just never had a relationship with that kind of passion, you know, where you have to have somebody right there, in the middle of a theme park.
Ross: Well, it was the only thing to do there that didn't have a line.
Rachel: There, well, see? Barry wouldn't even kiss me on a miniature golf course.
Ross: Come on.
Rachel: No, he said we were holding up the people behind us.
Ross: (sarcastically) And you didn't marry him because...?
Rachel: I mean, do you think there are people who go through life never having that kind of...
Ross: Probably.
Rachel: Really?
Ross: But you know, I'll tell you something. Passion is way overrated.
Rachel: Yeah right.
Ross: It is. Eventually, it kind of... burns out. But hopefully, what you're left with is trust, and security, and... well, in the case of my ex-wife, lesbianism. So, you know, for all of those people who miss out on that passion... thing, there's all that other good stuff.
Rachel: (sigh) OK.
Ross: But, um... I don't think that's going to be you.
Rachel: You don't.
Ross: Uh-uh. See, I see... big passion in your future.
Rachel: Really?
Ross: Mmmm.
Rachel: You do?
Ross: I do.
Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great. (she playfully rubs his head and gets up)
(Ross gets up, pleased with himself.)
Joey: It's never gonna happen.
Ross: (innocently) What?
Joey: You and Rachel.
Ross: (acts surprised) What? (pause) Why not?
Joey: Because you waited too long to make your move, and now you're in the friend zone.
Ross: No, no, no. I'm not in the zone.
Joey: Ross, you're mayor of the zone.
Ross: I'm taking my time, alright? I'm laying the groundwork. Yeah. I mean, every day I get just a little bit closer to...
Joey: Priesthood! Look Ross, I'm telling you, she has no idea what you're thinking.
Joey: if you don't ask her out soon you're going to end up stuck in the zone forever.
Ross: I will, I will. See, I'm waiting for the right moment. (Joey looks at him) What? What, now?
Joey: Yeeeeaaaahhh! What's messing you up? The wine? The candles? The moonlight? You've just got to go up to her and say, 'Rachel, I think that...' (Rachel comes into the room behind them) If Chandler could get Mon, you can get rach no problem
Ross: Shhhh!
Rachel: What are you shushing?
Ross: We're shushing... because... we're trying to hear something. Listen. (everyone is silent) Don't you hear that?
Rachel: Ahhhh!
Ross: See?
Rachel: Huh. (she agrees, but looks very confused)
[Scene: ATM vestibule.]
Jill: Would you like some gum?
Chandler: Um, is it sugarless?
Jill: (checks) Sorry, it's not.
Chandler: Oh, then no thanks. That was for you Monica.
[Scene: Monica's apartment, Phoebe is singing.]
Phoebe: (singing) New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour. But to me it is not scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy... la la la, la la, la la... (she writes the lyrics down)
Ross: (to Joey) OK, here goes.
Joey: Are you going to do it?
Ross: I'm going to do it.
Joey: Do you want any help?
Ross: You come out there, you're a dead man.
Joey: Good luck, man.
Ross: Thanks. (Joey hugs him) OK.
Joey: OK. (Ross goes out on the balcony to talk to Rachel)
(Monica walks in, starts to go out on the balcony.)
Joey: Hey, where are you going?
Monica: Outside.
Joey: You can't go out there.
Monica: Why not?
Joey: Because of... the reason.
Monica: And that would be?
Joey: I, um, can't tell you.
Monica: Joey, what's going on?
Joey: OK, you've got to promise that you'll never, ever tell Ross that I told you.
Monica: About what?
Joey: He's planning your baby shower.
Monica: Oh my God! That's so sweet
Ross: Wha-What did he say that was so funny?
[Scene: ATM vestibule, Chandler and Jill are sitting below the counter with two pens dangling from their chains in front of them. Jill is showing Chandler how to swing the pen around his head.]
Jill: Chandler, we've been here for an hour doing this! Now watch, it's easy.
Chandler: OK.
Jill: Ready? (she swings the pen around her head in a circle)
(Chandler tries to do the same thing but the pen hits him in the head.)
Jill: No, you've got to whip it.
(He swings the pen hard, and it snaps back and almost hits him again.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is all sitting around the table.]
Phoebe: Oh, look look look. The last candle's about to burn out. 10, 9, 8, 7... (time lapse)... minus 46, minus 47, minus 48... (someone blows it out, the room gets completely dark)
Ross: Thank you.
Phoebe: Thanks.
Ross: Kinda... spooky without any lights.
Joey: (does a maniacal laugh) Bwah-hah-hah!
(Everyone starts to imitate him.)
Ross: OK, guys, guys? I have the definitive one. Mwwwooooo-hah-hah...
Joey: Hey Ross. This probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but you have to throw a baby shower
Closing Credits
[Scene: ATM vestibule, the power has come back on.]
Jill: Well, this has been fun.
Chandler: Yes. Yes, thanks for letting me use your phone
Jill: Well, goodbye Chandler. I had a great blackout. (she kisses him on the cheek) See ya.
(She leaves. Chandler presses his face to the glass door after her, stroking the window lovingly. He then turns to the security camera and starts talking to it.)
Chandler: Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape. And then I need to hide it so my wife does not see.
-September 1994-
The next week Daniel is seen putting Seran wrap on the toliet seat. Then he finishes and replaces the sugar with salt,
"Quick Dan! Mom and Dad are waking up now!" Sophie and Karen(her name's now Karen not Catherine) shout out. C/M then come into the kitchen with their fingers intertwined.
"Hi kiddies" Chandler says with his eyes never leaving his young wife's face(she's 25 and he 26)
"Hi Baby I hope you are a girl. A nicer sister then Karen who is mean and Daniel who is a big poop explosion in his own way" Sophie says to the baby.
"Hey no I'm nice. You are mean" Karen replies annoyed.
"I'm not a big poop explosion right Baby" Daniel asks Monica's bump.
Chandler and Monica look at each other and laugh.
An hour later Rachel is out of the new addition in their apartment, and the rest of the gang is over.
With their growing family, a few months ago C/M decided to add three more rooms to the apartment, which Rachel now lives in on of the rooms.
Joey exclaims "Ooh coffee" then pours a cup and pours sugar in it.
Joey then spits out his coffee and screams "HEY, I SAID NO SALT!"
The kids then get angry stares from their parents and shrug saying "Not us"
But then Rachel sits on the couch and a "TOOT" can be heard very louy.
Ross answers "Gotta use the bathroom so badly" and runs into there where a crash can be heard.
Ross then comes out asking "Who did this" holding up the saran wrap.
Monica then runs in the bathroom "I'll clean the pee up" but then Chandler held her back saying "Babe you are six months pregnant. We got that".
That afternoon at the museum Ross is dusting a fossii when his co-worker says to him "Mr. Geller your ex-wife is here to see you". Ross' eyes practically came out of his eyes when Carol told him she was having their child and raising it with Susan.
An hour later C/M enter the apartment with the kids to see Rachel, Phoebe and Joey on their hands and knees with the couch cusions out.
"What the hell are you three doin'?" Chandler questions them and tells the kids to watch TV in one of the new additions.
"Rach's lost her engagement ring to Barry" Phoebe explains.
"Oh my I have a ring in my couch?" Monica asks then says, "No Rachel it's in the lasgana. I gave you one simple task". She tries to look in the dish from a distance. Ross then enters saying "Hi" in a horrifed way, and adds "Carol's pregnant with my child and is raising it with Susan".
That evening they're are all eating spagetti talking about old times.
"See Judy our little harmonica is independent. She got pregnant by Chandler and then they got married five years ago" Jack states eating the rest of his food.
"Ross I know this may seem a little cruel but can you please let out your whole baby-lesbian thing. Baby Bing's jostling my insides and that leaves off steam" Monica asks her brother, Ross announces "Mom, dad Uh Carol's a lesbian so we broke up and now she's having my child". Judy looks at Monica annoyed and asked "You knew about this", the minute she said that Monica ran into her and Chandler's bedroom crying. Chandler runs into there saying "Oh Baby. I can't believe I made you stay in a room with your mother" he hugs his pregnant wife so dearly then slides his hand up her white blouse .
Back in there Daniel gives his grandparents nasty jelly beans. Jack ate a dark brown one then gagged asking "Why do they make dog crap flavored ones", Judy ate a very dark green one which is presumably a mint one or smelly garbage(it was smelly garbage). A little bit later Joey, Sophie and Karen ate the whole pack.
That evening we see Daniel scrubbing the toilet as punishment for pranking everybody.-October 1994-
It was afternoon time, the kids were still at school.
Chandler enters the apartment to see Monica jugging a bowl of cereal on her large belly.
"Eating for two?" he joked giving her a kiss.
"I'm gigantic and my legs are too swollen" Monica complained.
"Aww Baby. I'm so sorry, I love you" Chandler kissed her lips and her ever-growing belly. Where their fourth child and second son was kept for the remander of the pregnancy which is eighth weeks.
"You don't know what it's like to be a seventh month pregnant woman" she looked angrily at him.
"Well hun I was thinking we could go to a romantic dinner Friday evening. My mom said she'd watch the kids and I've already booked it" Chandler loosed his tie
"I love you" Monica wrapped her arms around him.
Back at Joey's apartment, he and Phoebe were talking about their love life.
"Hey Pheebs y'know what?" he asked as an idea popped in his head.
"Yeah?" she asked.
"I think we should set up blind dates for each other on friday night" Joey suggests.
"Ooh great! I already thought of the perfect girl for ya" Phoebe replied enthusically.
Then said "Poopy Diaper Poop".
"Poopy Diaper. Ha ha" Joey laughed.
"Um that rules out Tit Tat as well" Phoebe looked at the man she loved.
"Oh em gi Tit Tat" Joey chuckled.
At the coffee house, Ross N Rachel were talking as she was serving coffee.
"So Rach what're you doin' Friday evening?" Ross asked.
"Laundrama. Monica was supposed to come with me but she just called saying that her and Chandler are going to a romantic dinner Friday evening" Rachel explained.
"Oh really. Who's gonna watch the kids?" Ross asked.
"They said Nora" Rachel replied.
"I love that they love each other so much but I never really approved of the weird stuff Chandler does with my sister in bed. It's like Rambo" Ross groaned.
"Well so do you wanna go to do lawndray with me that evening" Rachel asked running her hands up Ross' chest winking at him seductively. They both have crushes on each other
"You bet your hot mama I do!" Ross grinned.
That evening after their love making Chandler was on the balcony looking at the night sky. Monica waddled with the shawl tightly wrapped around her.
"What's wrong hun. You left me?" she stroked her husband's cheek looking at him dearly.
"I was having some thoughts. Remember the night you cut off my toe six years ago, the night we made Sophie?" Chandler places a hand on her huge belly.
"Oh yeah I remember. We were so young and stupid "Monica smirked.
Then they both leaned on the balcony thinking about the day that changed both their lives for good.
{November 25, 1988. The Geller home. 12am}
(AUTHORS NOTE: You can read that earlier in the chapter)
Back to the present day...
"That was the most beautiful night in my life. Despite getting my toe cut off" Chandler smirked and held his wife.
"Make love to me again" Monica said.
"As you wish" Chandler grinned then took her back into the bedroom but careful not to wake Rachel and the kids up.
Friday afternoon where Joey is eating chinese in his apartment..
Phoebe enters and beamed "Joey I've got the most perfect girl for you. Her name is Alex Garrett"
Joey said "Wow" sarcastically.
"Who do you have for me. What's his name?" Phoebe asked.
"Uh Mike. His name is Mike!" Joey lied.
"Okay great thanks" Phoebe took an egg roll then went to Mondler and Rachel's apartment.
Joey grabbed a black book out of one of the draws and started reading "Mike..Mike".
Then groaned in frustration "There's no guys in here."
At the laundromat, an old woman starts using Rachel's machine...
(I'm gonna use script form for the parts copied over from Lives in a box)
Woman: Comin' through. Move, move.
Rachel: Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that machine.
Woman: Yeah, well, now you're kinda not.
Rachel: But I saved it. I put my basket on top.
Woman: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds.
Rachel: What?
Woman: No suds, no save. Ok?
(Ross arrives.)
Ross: What's goin' on?
Rachel: Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just took my machine.
Ross: Was your basket on top?
Rachel: Yeah, but, there were no suds.
Ross: So?
Rachel: Well, you know, no suds, no save.
Ross: No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. (to woman) That's my friend's machine.
Woman: Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn't in it.
Ross: Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know it.
(The woman and Ross stare at each other. Finally she takes her stuff out of the machine and leaves.)
Ross: (to the crowd in the laundromat) All right, show's over. Nothing to see here. (to Rachel) Ok, let's do laundry.
Rachel: That was amazing. I can't even send back soup.
Ross: Well, that's because you're such a sweet, gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do you...Oh, hey, uh you must need detergent.
(Ross pulls out a huge box of laundry detergent.)
Rachel: What's that?
Ross: Uberveiss. It's new, it's German, it's extra-tough.
(Rachel starts to load her clothes.)
Ross: Rach, do you uh, are you gonna separate those?
Rachel: Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants?
Ross: Rach, have you never done this before?
Rachel: Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, you caught me. I'm a laundry virgin.
Ross: Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle cycle. Ok, um, basically you wanna use one machine for all your whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and a third for your uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and your under-panty things.
Rachel: (holds a pair of panties in front of Ross) Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or delicates?
Ross: (visibly nervous) Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call.
Joey enters Central Perk...
Joey walks in and looks around. He's trying to find a Mike for Phoebe)
Joey: MIKE!
Mike: Yeah?
Joey: (Checks him out) Okay! (Walks over to his table and sits down with him)
Joey and Mike are at the restaurant...
Mike: I gotta tell you, I can't believe I'm doing this with you. Although I did just get out of a three-year relationship, so I guess I should be open and taking some risks.
Joey: Everything is gonna be fine. Just follow my lead, okay? All you have to do is pretend to be Mike.
Mike: I am Mike.
Joey: Atta boy!
(Phoebe and Alex enter.)
Joey: Okay, look...
Everyone: (Ad-lib hellos)
Phoebe: Joey, this is Alex Garrett. So, Mike, how do you and Joey know each other anyway?
Mike: How do I and Joey know each other? Wow, if I had a nickel for every time somebody has asked me that.
Joey: (Laughs) From school.
Mike: Yeah, we met in college. (Off Joey's look) I mean, high school.
Phoebe: Wow, you guys go way back then. So what are you up to these days?
Mike: Well, I'm a lawyer.
Joey: Mike, 'attorney at law'!
Mike: Actually, I just gave up my practice.
Joey: What? That's the kinda thing you usually run by me.
Mike: I always wanted to play piano professionally, and I figured if I don't do this now, I never will.
Phoebe: Wow, that's great! I liked that better than the law thing, so...
Joey: Which is why I waited until now to introduce you to Mike.
Alex: I thought you thought he was still a lawyer.
Joey: No, no, that's not what I meant. Let's get you a cocktail
That evening at the restaurant where Joey and Phoebe are with their blind dates..
Phoebe: You know, it's so surprising that you and Joey have known each other for so long and I've never heard about you.
Joey: Yeah, that's because we had a bit of a falling out. Mike hit my mom with a car.
Mike: No, I didn't.
Joey: That's okay Mike, I have forgiven you. And now we're friends again everything's great!
Alex: Wait, is your mom okay?
Joey: Please, we're trying to have a conversation. (Pushes the wine glass closer to Alex.)
Alex: Wow, you're a lot nicer on 'Married with Children
Mike: 'Married with children'! That's why you look so familiar!
Phoebe: What?!
Mike: What?!
Joey: What?!
Phoebe: Do you not know each other?
Joey: (Laughs) Of course we do! Mike is playing a game that we used to play in high school. Yeah, where we pretend we don't know each other. We played all kinds of games. (To Mike) Hey, remember the one where I punch you in the face for not being cool?!
Phoebe: Mike, let me ask you something. How many sisters does Joey have?
Mike: (Joey holds up six fingers) Six!
Joey: What are you doing? I said seven! (Holds up six fingers.) (Realizes his mistake) Argh!
Phoebe: Joey, why did you set me up with a stranger?
Joey: Because I forgot about our date, I'm so sorry.
Mike: I'm sorry too. And just to be clear, I didn't hit his mother with a car.
Phoebe: (To Joey) You are unbelievable! I spent so much time finding the perfect girl for you, you know. Alex is really smart and cute and loose.
Alex: Hey!
Phoebe: Who are you kidding? (To Joey) You just find some guy off the street for me? Oh God! This is humiliating!
Joey: Look Phoebe I'm so sorry! Hey, look, if you don't like this guy I can find you a better one. (Looks around) Mike! Mike!
Phoebe: I'm out of here (She leaves)
Mike: It was nice meeting you!
Joey: (Alex) You're leaving too?
Alex: I'll stay if you can tell me my name.
Joey: Good night!
C/M and Rachel's apartment, where Nora enters to pick up the kids.
"Ookay kids be good for Grandma Bing" Chandler tells his and Monica's kids.
"They are always good. We'll have fun, won't we?" Nora grins.
"Yah!" the kids agreed.
"Mom why are you so happy right now?" Chandler asked his mother.
"I get to spend time with my beautiful grandkids" Nora replied then saw a pic of Ross and gushed "Ooh that Ross guy is so dreamy"
"Seriously Mom?" Chandler questioned sarcastically.
Then Monica came out in a red jacket and leggings, very much so displaying the bump(same outfit she wore in 1x5 when her and Joey were going out with Angela and Bob but this is definitely AU).
"Oh my you look so beautiful" Chandler embraced his wife unaware that his mom and their kids are watching them.
A few days later Mike comes in the coffee house to apologize to Phoebe...
Mike: Excuse me, hi. I was hoping I would run into you. Can we talk?
Phoebe: Sure.
Mike: I'm sorry, really, I'm so embarrassed. Really, I'm a pretty nice guy. Just ask my parole officer...Apparently I'm not a funny guy.
Phoebe: Why did you go along with that?
Mike: Because I was told I'd get a free dinner, which I didn't. And that I'd meet a pretty girl. Which I did.
Phoebe: That's true. (Pause) Well, is anything you told me about yourself true?
Mike: My name in Mike, and I do play piano.
Phoebe: Prove it.
Mike: There isn't a piano here.
Phoebe: That wouldn't stand in the way of a true pianist.
Mike: (Plays 'air piano')
Phoebe: You are really good! I play a little guitar myself.
Mike: Really?
Phoebe: Uhuh.
Mike: That's great. What kind of music do you play?
Phoebe: Well, like acoustic folksy stuff. You know? But right now I'm working on a couple 'Iron Maiden' covers.
Mike: Do you think that maybe, sometime, I could...
Phoebe: It's okay. Go ahead, ask me out.
Mike: Okay. Do you think maybe sometime I could take you out?
Joey: (Walks In)
Phoebe: (To Mike) Oh, you just caught me off guard! Yeah, that would be nice.
Joey: Look at this. My two best friends!
(Phoebe and Mike look at him, and he goes over to the counter.)
-Back to the present day-
"I'm so in love with your mother. She's the love of my life" Chandler said.
"I can tell by the way, you two act around each other, all the time" Luke smirked.
-That evening when Mondler are cudding-
"I'm so in love with you, Cara Mia" Chandler kissed his wife's arm.
"I'm so in love with you too, Chandler" Monica replies.
Chandler smiled lovingly, then proceeded to make love to her