Hannah had been outside in the early morning darkness, walking up and down the sidewalk, praying when she'd seen the flare light the night sky. Guthrie, Ford and her had sat together through most of the night talking, praying and crying. The boys had told her every funny story they could think of their oldest brother, and they all had laughed. She told them the story of the very first time they had met, and they loved the part where he had fought a rude customer. "The first time he saw you, he got a black eye!" Guthrie had said laughing.
"Well," She had said considering.
"It's true, Hannah!" Ford had teased her.
They had finally fallen asleep. And she had gazed down at their faces covering them with blankets. They looked so much younger asleep. She couldn't imagine loving her own children any more than she loved her husband's brothers. She had risen then, wrapped in Adam's coat, and stepped out into the predawn darkness.
She was standing on the sidewalk looking out at the small town that was now her home again, when a bright light had shot up through the darkness, dispensing all the darkness. There'd been a rush then, people running scrambling, vehicles starting, but she stood frozen watching the brightness of the flare fade like a falling star. Then there had been near silence as they all waited for word. Guthrie and Ford had found her then. They stood on either side of her again. Her two boys; protective and frightened.
After what seemed like hours, Sheriff Hawkins approached them, and she reached for their hands, afraid she would be unable to receive whatever news he brought.
"It will be okay, Hannah." Ford said softly just before the Sheriff stood before them, his triumphant grin erasing their fears.
"They found him Hannah! Crane and Daniel found him! They are taking him by helicopter to county right now. I'll drive you there. Let's go!"
She hadn't even had time to react because then they were all running to jump into the cruiser and with sirens wailing they'd sped out of town.
They got to the hospital, and to step into the brightness of the emergency room was a shock. A nurse had directed her to the waiting room and handed her a stack of forms, but holding the pen in her hand, she couldn't seem to remember how to spell Adam's name. She stared at the page trying to remember the shape of the letter A, but all her mind could come up with, was the fine line of his cheekbone and the way it felt as he rested his fingers along her hip.
She was still staring at the page when Crane, Daniel, Evan and Brian all walked in.
The Brotherhood.
She looked up and tried to stand but her legs failed her, and the clipboard with the forms fell to the floor. They ran toward her then, Guthrie who sat beside her reached out and caught her arm. He helped her back into the chair, and they all skidded to a stop in front of her. It was Brian who spoke, kneeling in front of her and taking her hands in his.
"Easy there." He said. "He's alive, Hannah. Didn't they tell you that? Guthrie didn't they tell her?"
"No one has really talked to us." Guthrie said softly, and Crane wrapped his arms around Guthrie who was trembling visibly.
"He's alive." Brian repeated. "He's dehydrated, and it looks like he's got a concussion, but he's alive."
Hannah stared dumbly at her brother-in-law, trying to take in his words.
"Honey, are you listening?" He asked her.
"They rushed us here, and I can't fill out the forms." She said and hearing her own voice she thought, I sound like a lunatic. "I can't remember how to spell his name." She looked into Brian's face. "He's alive?"
"Yes. Alive." Brian said again.
"Mrs. McFadden?" A doctor stood in the doorway of the waiting room and they all turned their heads toward him.
"Here." She said trying again to stand, and somehow managing it.
"Your husband's in pretty bad shape." The doctor began and Brian wanted to slug him in the jaw.
"He was out in the cold for a long time. He has frostbite on his fingertips, but we are treating it. I don't think there will be any permanent damage. Two of his ribs are fractured. He was badly dehydrated, and had a pretty serious concussion. There are some other minor injuries - a small cut on his leg, bruises. We are going to closely observe him for the next forty-eight hours. Right now we are working on bringing his core temperature up, and getting him hydrated."
"But he's gonna be alright?" Daniel said.
"He'll be pretty out of it for the next twelve hours. His body's suffered a pretty good shock, but he'll recover. I'm confident of that."
A feeling of utter relief flooded her system. She heard a sound escape her own lips, but didn't recognize it. It was something between a shout and a cry, and her brothers turned to look at her. She took a step away from Brian and Daniel who had been holding onto her. She meant to tell the doctor how grateful she was. She meant to shake his hand. She meant to throw her arms around him and thank him over and over and over. She meant to ask if she could please, please, please see Adam. However, she did none of those things. Instead she fainted.
***7***
Hannah sat on the edge of his bed waiting for him to open his eyes. He was surrounded by all sorts of machines that beeped and whirred. She watched the liquid in his IV drop slowly into the line that lead into his arm drip by drip. She felt like she was holding her breath. She felt like she could drop to the floor in exhaustion, but was too scared that if she were to close her eyes and sleep he would disappear again.
She reached out again with her fingers, and caressed his face. She wanted to climb into bed next to him and wrap her arms around him so that she could be near him, and listen to the steady rhythm of his heart beating.
A nurse came into the room again marking Adam's clipboard and checking over everything.
"He won't be awake until this evening probably. You should try and sleep." She said as she checked his IV. "I promise you, one of us would wake you if he suddenly awoke."
"I'm too scared to take my eyes off him." Hannah said, trying to remember the nurse's name. Carol, no Cheryl. Hannah felt that should know everyone on staff. It seemed that they were always here for some reason or another, some brother or another.
"I understand." The nurse said smiling. "If it were my husband . . .Here, why don't I pull this little armchair right next to him. That way you can at least stretch out while you watch him." She pulled a chair next to Adam's bed. "There see. At least you could be comfortable."
"Thank you." Hannah said moving to sit on the armchair, and in her mind she saw the armchair at home, she and Adam sitting in it together sandwiched in tight.
"You know we got other chairs." Brian had said to them once.
"We like this one." Adam said grinning.
"Seems a little snug." Brian said. "Wait, is there room for me too?" And he'd tried to squish between him, until Adam had risen up and wrestled Brian to the ground.
"Watch it little brother," Adam had said pinning Brian with his knee. "I can still take you out!"
"I let you win." Brian said as Adam let him up. "I didn't want your girl to find out you are all weak and puny." Brian said punching Adam's arm.
"You need anything, just holler." The nurse said patting her shoulder and as she walked out, Daniel stepped into the room and she stood up again to greet him. He said nothing but wrapped his arms around her, kissing her cheek.
"How's he doing?" He asked.
"Just sleeping." She said. "It will be awhile. They need him sedated anyway. His frostbite is pretty painful."
"He looks pale." Daniel said studying his brother. "He looks small."
"Good thing he's asleep. He'd be mad to hear you say that." She grinned at him, but felt a wave of guilt when she saw that Daniel had begun to cry.
"I'm real sorry, Hannah. You can't know how sorry I am. I should've never run off like that. He worries as it is, and me taking off like that . . ."
"Daniel McFadden, you stop it." She said. "Your brother is a worrier that's true, but he's twice as stubborn as you. He didn't have to drive into town. He didn't have to try and walk home. Those were his decisions. You stop torturing yourself, Daniel." She reached out and squeezed his hand.
Daniel sniffled and wiped his nose with his free hand. He nodded at Hannah and looked at Adam's sleeping form.
"After the services, after the roundup, when it was just us again, I felt so lost and alone. I missed them so much, you know?" He glanced at Hannah. "We were all so wrecked, but he seemed so strong and dependable. I knew deep down in my heart that I could count on him. I knew he would watch over me. Even when things were really hard, and I was being a pill, I knew it." He reached out and took Adam's hand in his, but held him by the wrist, avoiding his bandaged fingers. "I never really stopped to think about how he felt. His parents were dead too. I can't ever remember asking him if he was okay, never." He shook his head.
"You were a child." She said softly.
He turned sharply toward her, "So was he! It was only later that I realized that. He was two years younger than I am now. He had graduated high school six weeks earlier. He was a baby! But I never saw that part of it. If he struggled with it, if it was hard for him, he never showed it. He just took care of me, you know?"
"You took care of each other." She said trying to give him absolution.
"No, he took care of us, you know its true. You know him better than anyone. It was like he just flipped a switch inside - one day he was a boy, and then he was a man without so much as a backward glance. I don't know he did it. I could never . . ."
"You don't know that. If you had to take care of your brothers, you would." She said.
"No, I think I'd run. It would be too hard. He didn't want to ranch. Did he tell you that? He wanted to get away, said it was too much work. Dad didn't fight him on it, either. He made sure Adam knew he was free - even though anyone could see that Adam was born for it. There wasn't a job on the ranch that Adam couldn't do perfectly by the time he was twelve. He was so good at it."
"You don't have to be a rancher, Daniel. No one is asking you to do that. Adam wouldn't ask that of you, any more than your father demanded it of him."
"He's just like him; strong, patient, kind. I never once said thank you, you know that. I never once bothered to think about it from his point of view. I'm always fighting him because I don't like him bossing me. I never stopped to think that he might not even want to be the boss." Daniel hung his head.
"You can tell him when he wakes up." She said softly and standing beside him. She wrapped her arm around him and he leaned against her, resting his head on her shoulder. "You can tell him, Daniel but he already knows." She kissed his forehead. He nodded and they stood together silently watching over him as he slept.
"Thanks Hannah." He said after a long time.
"I didn't do anything." She said blushing.
"No, I don't mean this. Thanks for staying, and taking care of us all." He said seriously.
"Oh, well . . ." She felt at a loss for words.
"You should get some sleep. Sit down, at least." And smiling at him, she settled back into the couch.
"We are all just outside." He told her. "You need anything, you give us a holler, and anyone of your brothers will come running." He winked at her and disappeared out the door.
Your brothers.
It was a change that had taken place almost without her even noticing it. She thought again of Guthrie's terror - If Adam's lost, will you leave us? She could understand his thinking. She was there because of Adam. She hadn't even expected any of them to be there at all. She was expecting a traditional beginning - just the two of them. Yet, she was instantly surrounded by his brothers who terrified her at first, until she'd come to a kind of respectful peace, but almost imperceptibly and without any warning, she found herself in love with all of them. She felt a warm, protective, maternal love for every single one of those McFadden boys, and she counted herself eternally blessed that they miraculously loved her too.
She turned and gazed at Adam's sleeping form. Daniel was right. He looked so small. He was pale, bruised, and she felt all her resolve to be strong failing her. She had been holding back for so long now, and all she wanted was for him to open his eyes so she could know, really, really know that he was going to be alright. She longed to hear his voice, teasing her and calling her girl - which never failed to ruffle her feminist feathers just a little. She looked down at her hands and could see them shaking, and trembling she opened the door. They were sitting all around the tiny waiting area, no doubt a tremendous distraction to the nurses. They were a very good-looking group of men, although they all looked exhausted, filthy and weary. Seeing her, they rose, and Brian and Crane who stood closest to the door took a step toward her.
"Brian . . ." She said her voice already failing her. "I . . . I . . ."
Both he and Crane were at her side, their arms supporting her.
"Hey, hey." Crane said, ever perceptive. "It's okay, now. It's okay, honey. We found him. He's okay. Shhh."
She leaned into their arms and it took the very last ounce of her strength to say, "Could you wait with me please?" And it was then, after Adam was safe, that the torrent of fear and grief washed over her. She wept as all six of her brothers held her close; her strong tower. Someone lifted her up and they all carried her back into the room, where Adam slept. They all crowded into the small room, and she sat in the arm chair with Guthrie, as Brian and Crane sat on the arms of the chair. The whole time that they waited for Adam to open his eyes and speak to her, they stayed close constantly whispering encouragement and always one of them either held her hand or kept an arm around her.
She drifted in and out of sleep, feeling safer than she had since he had disappeared three long, horrible days ago. It must have been late in the day that she awoke seeing all the brothers asleep around the room, and as she stirred, Brian, who was sitting across from her, rose and came to her.
"He's still sleeping, honey. His temperature is up some. The doc came by and said that he's progressing really well." He took her hand in his. "You need something? Hungry? Water?"
She shook her head her eyes filling yet again with tears. She wiped at them. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I can't stop . . ."
He sat back on the arm of the chair, wrapping a long arm around her. "Shh. You go ahead and cry all you need. God knows, you kept yourself together strong way too long. I don't know how you did it, Hannah. I was out of my mind with worry. I still can't fathom how you kept standing."
"Thanks Brian. You tell the boys for me too. I never, ever could've made it without all of you. You want to know how I kept strong? You kept me strong - just like you are all still doing right now." He nodded his head and squeezed her shoulder.
"We're family." He said simply and kissed the top of her head. "Close your eyes and sleep some more, Sis. You still look just exhausted. I'll wake you if anything happens, I promise."
She closed her eyes, resting her head on his knee. "I know you will. I can't think of anyone I trust more than my brothers."
"Adam." Brian said and she opened her eye again briefly to smile, and nod at him.
"No one else, though." She said closing her eyes and as she drifted off to sleep she dreamt she was dancing once again in Adam's arms while their brothers all sang over them.