White Hot Darkness
Part 10: Heal
Lord Jin and Lady Ah-lam were both indescribably distraught. At least Jin could think somewhat clearly today, though; his wife was a wreck. She had been half-crying for the greater part of the morning, cursing herself and her neglect towards their son. Jin was hard-pressed to calm her. At last, he told her as gently as he could to go to their room and lie down; he had a meeting with an ambassador coming up soon, although politics were currently the last thing on his mind.
He was sitting slumped on his throne, deep in thought after dismissing an attendant, when he heard the sound of tiny talons clicking against the polished floor.
Jin's head swiveled sharply, and sure enough, there was Shen.
The lord's breath caught in his throat. His son looked terrible – his eyes were bloodshot, his feathers ruffled, and it was clear just by looking at him that he hadn't slept all night. He was shaking from fatigue as well as fear, and all in all seemed to be just barely holding himself upright.
"S…son?" Jin blinked. "What's wrong? A-are you sick?"
Shen gazed at his father with large, pain-filled eyes that gradually brimmed with tears, and he looked down. "N-n-Nana says that when she looks in her bowl, she sees me grown up…so I'm not gonna die…so you can love me now, right?..."
Jin was absolutely floored. There was no emotion that could describe how heartbroken he was at hearing those words.
"Sheng…L…come here…"
Nervously, Shen shuffled forward, his face twisting as he tried to keep in further tears. Jin hesitantly reached down and scooped up the child, holding the feverish little body close. He brushed the chick's head with his long feathered fingers.
He was holding his son. Five years, and now he was really holding his son for the first time.
He lowered himself on to the throne, keeping Shen cradled in his lap. Shen sniffled, raising his arm to suck on the baggy sleeve of his robe. This was a self-pacifying habit that the soothsayer was trying to break him of, the same sort of thing as thumb-sucking, but Jin didn't know that. All he knew was that the simple little action reminded him so much more that this little boy was barely older than a toddler.
"Baba…" Shen whimpered.
"I'm here," murmured Jin tearfully, rubbing his son's back. Shen coughed, his temperature seeming to escalate a couple of degrees in only a second, but he buried into his father as if trying to absorb this rare moment of affection.
Jin softened, growing a bit calmer. "You're sick, son," he said, and instructed a nearby servant to bring him a cool compress.
Shen coughed again. "I was out in the rain yesterday," he admitted, head feathers back.
Jin's heart sank. "W-what?"
"I was sad…'n I thought nobody loved me…so I ran outside in the rain…"
"But the rain!" exclaimed Jin in alarm. "Your condition!"
Shen sniffled, his eyes brimming with tears again at the mention of that word. "Didn' care…"
Jin said nothing, only closed his eyes and continued to hold his son. It was his fault that the child was sick now. If only he hadn't been so arrogant yesterday…
"Do you still hate me, Baba?" Shen asked in a quavering voice.
"I NEVER did…" Jin made his embrace tighter.
"P-promise?"
"I absolutely, truly promise…"
Shen burrowed into his father's arms, his eyes shutting weakly. He was exhausted and felt awful, especially after coming all the way here. But emotionally, his heart had lifted a bit. For the first time since yesterday, he didn't want to cry.
He sank into a half-doze, only really registering a few sensations and sounds that jumped out at him: the touch of a cool cloth against his forehead, the occasional muttering of his father to the servants, the sound of footsteps approaching the throne…
"Sh-Sheng Li?"
With some effort, Shen opened his eyes. His mother was standing over him.
"Mama?"
"Sheng Li, what are you doing here?" Ah-lam stammered.
"I came to tell you that Nana saw me grown up in her bowl," said Shen, his voice faint with sleep, "so I'm not gonna die…so maybe you can love me now…"
Ah-lam gripped at her chest, tears spilling over her cheeks.
"Do you hate me, Mama?" asked Shen softly.
"No…never…!" she sobbed out, burying her face in her wings.
"I had a bad dream…I was looking for you…and you left..."
Shen's eyes had fallen shut again, but there was no mistaking the feeling of his body shifting as his father stood and handed him to Ah-lam. His mother cradled him lovingly, smoothing his feathers, and Shen happily snuggled into her at the touch. He was smiling now. "Mmm…Mama…"
She smiled tearfully, rocking her chick. Half a second later, he was asleep.
Jin wrapped his wing around his wife's shoulders, and they stood there as a family, all together at long last. But the moment could only last until he had an uncomfortable realization.
"Um…does the soothsayer know he's here?"
Both elder peacocks listened. After a few minutes, a desperate clatter of hoofs could be heard outside, along with a cry of, "SHEEEEEEN!"
They couldn't do much more besides look at each other.
The soothsayer burst into the throne room, nearly flattening several attendants as she shoved the doors aside. "Lord Jin!" she gasped. "I cannot find - !"
"Peace, soothsayer," said Jin, glad to hear that there was at least calm resonating in his own voice. "We have him…"
The soothsayer released a shaky breath. Sure enough, she could see Shen now, contentedly curled up in his mother's arms and emitting soft, gentle baby snores.
Ah-lam shook her head. "Do you mean to tell me that he actually came all the way here by himself?" she asked in bewilderment.
"And so sick, too!" exclaimed the soothsayer, a hoof to her heart. "Oh, that chick is lucky he's too sick for me to take the switch to him - !"
"He wanted to tell us that…" Jin swallowed. "That you said he wasn't going to die, so it was okay for us to love him now…"
She sighed. "I…am not surprised," she admitted. "After last night…"
Jin braced himself to hear the worst. "What had he done?"
"I was beginning to think he was losing his mind…"
He swallowed hard.
"He screamed and sobbed for you, reaching out for you as if you were there…demanded to know what he'd done wrong, why you didn't love him…begged for you both to come back as if you had just left the room…"
Jin breathed out a half-sob, recollecting how poorly Shen had looked when he had first approached them. "He said something about a bad dream…I never…"
The soothsayer was finding it increasingly hard to stay angry with her lord and lady. After all, she thought, there was no such thing as an unforgivable crime if the person was sorry, and Jin and Ah-lam were just about as sorry as it was possible to be. And they had not only seen the error of their ways, but also begun to repair some of the damage they had done by showing their son love. Shen was sleeping peacefully now, because of them.
"He can stay here for as long as he wants," Jin declared, then cleared his throat to get rid of the quiver in his voice. "We will take care of him…"
The soothsayer smiled. "He needs to be with you for…a while. He needs time with you and his mother." She pursed her lips, a bit unsure about suggesting this, but she knew it was the best thing. "I have been looking to visit relatives outside of Gongmen," she began cautiously, "and perhaps now is the time…"
Jin seemed uncertain about this. All he said was, "The boy isn't going to like it. He's never been apart from you."
"Which I must remedy." She sighed. "As much as I care about him, I know that it isn't healthy for him to depend on me being there every second of every day. It's best to have him understand this at a young age. It is best that I leave now, while he is sleeping…please tell him that I'll be back in a week."
"You're not even going to say goodbye?"
"He would never let me leave and everything would be ruined if he was awake to see me go…"
Jin hesitated, but nodded. "Whatever you feel is best," he said. "Take your leave; it is well deserved. Ah-lam and I will take good care of Sheng Li…"
She smiled again. "That I don't doubt. Goodbye, my lord. I will see you soon."
"Farewell for now, soothsayer," Jin replied.
The soothsayer approached Shen, who hadn't budged an inch during this entire conversation. My poor tired baby, she thought lovingly. Ah-lam crouched down so that she could give her chick a kiss on the forehead and whisper, "I'll see you later, my dear." He hardly even stirred.
…
Shen was so exhausted that his not-so-little nap lasted for nearly four and a half hours. At some point, he surfaced briefly and realized that he was in bed, but this knowledge had barely dawned on him when he was out again. Finally, in the middle of the afternoon, he managed to open his eyes.
For a long time, he wasn't sure where he was. Somewhere in the palace, definitely, but he had never been in this room before. It was nearly as lavish as the throne room, but much more spacious than the quarters where he lived with Nana. He himself was lying on what appeared to be sheets hewn of silk, on the fluffiest pillow he had ever felt in his life. But where was he?
He stayed where he was for several minutes, blinking sleepily, until his father peeked into the room to check on him. Upon seeing that the peachick was awake, Lord Jin smiled and went to sit by the edge of the bed.
"Morning," he said gently.
Shen yawned. "It's morning?" he mumbled.
"Just an expression, child," answered Jin, still smiling. He reached over to stroke his son's head feathers, and Shen nuzzled contentedly against the touch. "How are you feeling?"
Shen shrugged. He was still pretty dizzy as he tried to sit up, but he could definitely feel that his fever had gone down, if it hadn't broken completely. "Better."
He realized now that he must be in his parents' quarters; the royal chambers. He looked around again with wide and no longer red-rimmed eyes. Everything here was so fancy and beautiful, and yet here he was, wrinkling priceless sheets and sprawled out in his oversized and very plain sleep robe. Despite being the prince, he had never been here before; he supposed his parents hadn't wanted a bad omen in their room. He almost drooped at this thought before following it up with the fact that he was in here now – probably brought by his parents themselves, not Nana.
On that note – where WAS Nana?
"Looking for something?" asked Jin.
"Nana hasn't come to get me?" Shen said cautiously.
"Um…yes…" Jin looked down, rubbing a bit at the back of his neck. "She, um…has gone away."
"She LEFT me?" cried Shen, mortified. Losing his Nana was his greatest fear. Sometimes he even had nightmares about her packing up and leaving in front of him, never to return.
"Easy, son." Jin placed his hands on Shen's shoulders and squeezed reassuringly. "She has gone to visit some relatives outside of Gongmen. She'll be back in a week."
Shen breathed out, slightly calmed. At least Nana wasn't gone forever. But a week was still a long time; at least, to a five-year-old it was. "Who's gonna take care of me, though?"
"Your mother and I," responded Jin, smiling again.
"But…aren't you busy?"
"Not too busy for my son."
Shen sniffed doubtfully. They always had been before…
Jin reached down and lifted up the boy's chin so that they locked eyes. "Not too busy for my son," he repeated, more firmly this time.
Shen considered this, thinking about all of the things he had contemplated over the past few days – things that parents were supposed to do with their children. If his parents were really going to take care of him, then maybe they would be willing to act like they were a real family. "Are you gonna play with me?" he asked.
"Yes," promised Jin.
"Can you tuck me in and say goodnight when I go to bed?"
He pulled the child into his lap, cradling him lovingly. "Yes."
"When I get better, can we go on a picnic?"
"A picnic? That sounds like a wonderful idea."
Shen immediately brightened at the prospect of a picnic. "I'm better!" he declared, hopping out of bed immediately. Unfortunately, he wasn't as better as he wanted to be, because he was soon reeling from dizziness.
Jin gently scooped him back up and laid him down again. "Not yet you aren't," he contradicted gently. "Sleep, son."
"But I already went to sleep!" Shen complained.
"Yes, but I've heard you didn't sleep very well last night. You need to get some rest."
"Fiiiine," Shen reluctantly submitted, but he climbed into his father's lap instead of staying in the bed. He didn't know why, but he felt a lot better just knowing that someone who cared was near him – it just seemed to be what he needed after dealing with last night's major emotional trauma.
Jin didn't mind his son's clinginess one bit. If anything, it reassured him that Shen wasn't angry or frightened of him and Ah-lam anymore. He sat there contentedly and smoothed his son's white feathers. White wasn't such a bad color after all, he thought. In fact, when Shen was so peaceful-looking like he was now, the white seemed to be almost beautiful, radiating purity and happiness.
"Baba?" Shen spoke up just before falling asleep again.
"What is it, son?"
"Do you love me?"
"More than anything…"
"Does Mama love me?"
"Yes, very much."
"You wouldn't ever wanna get rid of me because I'm not normal, right?"
Jin barely restrained a gasp at this, and immediately wrapped his son up in a tight hug. "Never…never…never!..." he exclaimed.
Shen yawned sleepily, seemingly satisfied. "I love you, Baba…don' ever leave me…" he mumbled, and dropped back into slumber.
…
This nap only lasted about an hour, though; after that, Shen once again awakened, this time to find his mother there. "Look, Sheng Li, I've brought you a set of dominoes," she said, showing him a small wooden box filled with elaborate tiles. Shen was delighted, although he couldn't seem to stop getting his mother to address him by his full name.
That sick day was one of the best that he could remember. Besides not feeling too poorly after sleeping so much, one or both of his parents was always around to keep him entertained. They told him stories, played games with him, and made him his favorite foods for dinner (although he didn't have much of an appetite). He was almost sad when it was time for him to go to bed for real, until he remembered that he had another week to spend with his parents.
It turned out that there was another small bedroom in his parents' quarters, which had been intended for Shen until he was signed off to the soothsayer. The servants had made up a bed mat for him in here. It was still done up in pastel colors and fluffy shapes, though, decorated for the baby that it had never gotten to see.
Shen had the pleasure of both his mother and father tucking him in that night, but in an unfamiliar room and in the aftermath of a breakdown, he was afraid of being alone and almost cried until Ah-lam agreed to sit with him while he fell asleep. He clung to his mother's robes while she sang him lilting lullabies, until his eyes finally closed and he fell asleep, feeling comforted and loved.
The night did not pass without incident, however.
At some point during the night – or really, very early the next morning – Shen woke up in his strange bed feeling…funny. All foggy and light-headed. He didn't like it at all, and with quite a bit of difficulty, he crawled out of his room and into his parents' bedchamber, where he blearily nudged his mother until she awakened.
"Hmm? Wha…?" Ah-lam sat up groggily, seeing her chick crouched by the side of the bed and seemingly half-asleep. "What is it, my dear?"
"Mama, I feel funny," Shen mumbled.
She lifted a wing to his forehead. "You have a fever again." She frowned, glancing over at her husband, but he was still heavily asleep and snoring. With a sigh, she said, "It doesn't feel too bad; I don't think we need to get the healer. For now, Sheng Li, dear, why don't you sleep with Mama and Baba? We'll make you feel better…"
"Kay," he muttered, and tried to crawl into bed, but his arms gave out and he fell flat on his face. Ah-lam scooped him up and tucked him in beside her; he instinctively snuggled into her, reassured at feeling his parents nearby. Even though he really didn't feel any better, he was calmer now that he wasn't alone, and fell asleep again.
About two hours later, both Jin and Ah-lam were awakened by a heart-wrenching sound: their son crying.
Shen was laying sprawled out in bed, hardly able to move, sobbing quietly. Even a brush of contact against him was enough to register that he was burning up with fever. "Baby? Baby, what's wrong?" cried Ah-lam.
"D-d-d-don'…f-f-feel…g-g-g-good…" Shen choked out.
The lord and lady exchanged a glance. Shen was sick all the time, and seemed to have gotten fairly used to it; if he was crying about not feeling well, then something might be majorly wrong.
Jin quickly got up and headed off to find the healer, while Ah-lam held her chick close and murmured, "All right…it's okay, Mama's here…calm down, Sheng Li, you'll make yourself even more feverish…"
Several minutes had passed in this manner when Shen suddenly jerked in her arms. "Mama? Mama?" he cried out.
"I'm here," said Ah-lam soothingly, rubbing his back, but he didn't seem to hear her.
"Mama!" Shen called desperately, writhing against her. "Mama…no…m'sorry…please come back!..."
Ah-lam's eyes widened in alarm and horror. "Sheng Li, darling, I'm right here!"
"I soreeeeee!" Shen wailed, collapsing against her in a limp, broken heap. "Mama…come back!"
Mortified, she kept him enveloped in her arms, trying to reassure him that she was there, but he neither heard her nor sensed her presence. The poor thing was overheating himself, bawling until he was nearly too hot to hold, but his mother didn't dare put him down. It seemed like an eternity before Jin finally returned to the room with their preferred healer for Shen, Lady Biming, in tow.
"Where is the child?" was the first thing she asked when she entered the room, and her green eyes shone with concern when Ah-lam tearfully gestured to him. "Poor baby…what's wrong, my prince?" she asked, kneeling down to the chick's level, smoothing his feathers back.
Shen didn't respond to the touch, only wailed incoherently. A few muddled "m'sorry"s were audible in the mix.
"He keeps begging for me to come back, but I haven't left!" Ah-lam sobbed. "Doesn't he realize I'm here?"
"He's burning up with fever, milady," Biming responded. "I think he's hallucinating. But don't worry, we'll soon set him straight."
For the next hour, Biming worked steadily, gently inserting acupuncture needles into her patient and having him gulp down the occasional herb or elixir. She also made sure that he drank plenty of water, so that he wouldn't become dehydrated from the fever and the crying. Shen's sobs grew quieter and weaker, and eventually stopped altogether. Finally, he opened his eyes and appeared to see the room around him.
"M-Mama?" he croaked, looking up at her.
Ah-lam sobbed and clutched to him. Shen looked vaguely confused.
"Whazzgoinon?" he asked groggily.
"You…" Lord Jin groped for words. "You had a bad dream, son."
"Oh." Shen curled into his parents and shut his eyes.
Biming smiled. "That will be all, darling. Go back to sleep."
Shen was out before she even had a chance to finish saying so.